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The funny things thread


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'a team of over ninety french programmers were employed to recreate some of the most intricate hallways ever seen in a video game!' :lol:

 

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“He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.” - Albert Einstein
 

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599734_284894638291484_1980334091_n.jpg

 

The great irony: "how to write good."

 

 

Best Korea used to know how to dance under dear leader Kim Jong-il (until arch-enemy PSY came around....):

 

!

 

Just because I was curious about those neanderthals at knowyourmeme, I checked to see if they even knew North Korea is Best Korea. Of course they don't.

Edited by AGX-17
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tvvvf.jpg

This picture isn't quite accurate....the TV's may have become thinner, but they also got wider too. ;)

“Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” – Alan Watts
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^I swear, the dude sounds like a dude I knew in high-school.

"Akiva Goldsman and Alex Kurtzman run the 21st century version of MK ULTRA." - majestic

"I'm gonna hunt you down so that I can slap you square in the mouth." - Bartimaeus

"Without individual thinking you can't notice the plot holes." - InsaneCommander

"Just feed off the suffering of gamers." - Malcador

"You are calling my taste crap." -Hurlshort

"thankfully it seems like the creators like Hungary less this time around." - Sarex

"Don't forget the wakame, dumbass" -Keyrock

"Are you trolling or just being inadvertently nonsensical?' -Pidesco

"we have already been forced to admit you are at least human" - uuuhhii

"I refuse to buy from non-woke businesses" - HoonDing

"feral camels are now considered a pest" - Gorth

"Melkathi is known to be an overly critical grumpy person" - Melkathi

"Oddly enough Sanderson was a lot more direct despite being a Mormon" - Zoraptor

"I found it greatly disturbing to scroll through my cartoon's halfing selection of genitalias." - Wormerine

"Am I phrasing in the most negative light for them? Yes, but it's not untrue." - ShadySands

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Warnings issued by the U.S. military to their own troops:

 

"Aim towards the enemy."

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

 

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."

US Marine Corps.

 

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

USAF Ammo Troop.

 

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

Infantry Journal.

 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit."

Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

U.S. Air Force Manual.

 

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

Infantry Journal.

 

"Tracers work both ways."

US Army Ordnance.

 

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."

Infantry Journal.

 

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."

Anon.

 

"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

Your comrades.

 

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."

USAF Ammo Troop.

 

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

P: Something loose in ****pit.

S: Something tightened in ****pit.

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

P: Mouse in ****pit.

S: Cat installed.

 

 

And the best one for last..................

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

 

 

 

 

Donald Rumsfeld was giving the President his daily briefing. He concluded

by saying:

"..and yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident.'

"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, watching nervously as

the President held his head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and

asked..........'How many is a Brazillion??'

 

 

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."

 

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

 

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "I don't like sprouts" !

 

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

 

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

 

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.

 

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

 

Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A PENguin.

 

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?

A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

 

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus!

 

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

 

Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

 

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

 

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

 

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

 

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

 

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.

 

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A: A subordinate claus.

 

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

 

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?

A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

 

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

 

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

A: Because every buck is dear to him.

 

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

A: It was wound up already.

 

Q: What's a good holiday tip?

A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

 

2 martians come to earth. They go to a gas station and find a petrol pump.

The first aims it's lazer pistol at it and says:

- We are martians earthling. Take us to your leader or suffer the consequencies.

The other try to take reason with his pal.

- Man, stop that. This earthling is a die hard.

- Shut up! Don't matter how he is, he must obey us, we are superior!

- No dude! He can tottally take us alone.

- Don't be ridiculous. Earthling, stop ignoring us! Take us to your leader... So that's how it's gone be right? TAKE THAT!

The martian shoots. The pump, obviously, explode. Both martians are thrown some hundred meters from there. The one that shoot asks the other.

- This one was angry! How do you knew he was so dangerous?

- Didn't you saw his ****? It reached the ground, circled him twice and yet came back up and it's head was hangging in his ear!

 

 

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

 

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.

I love you,

Your Father"

 

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

 

"Beloved Father,

Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.

I love you, too,

Ahmed"

 

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

 

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

 

"Beloved Father,

I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.

That's all I could do for you from here.

I love you,

Ahmed."

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* YOU ARE A WRONGULARITY FROM WHICH NO RIGHT CAN ESCAPE! *

Chuck Norris was wrong once - He thought HE made a mistake!

 

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