The funny things thread

[ManifestedISO]

I'll see your Masters Degree in Communication and raise you the Presidente de Mexico. The subtitles and the professor are the funniest.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wacJGdMmyKI

[ShadySands]

[JFSOCC]

hey shady, I'm subscribed to george takei as well.

[Raithe]

[Raithe]

To take a break from poking fun at the American Government...

 

[Raithe]

[Walsingham]

full metal star wars parody snipped, not safe for forum.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Walsingham

[Oner]

[TrashMan]

 

 

Wrong. It causes a paradox:

 

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Stormtroopers_vs._Red_Shirts

 

 

Here's the relevant bit:

 

 

 

The device is composed of 3 basic components and some other stuff:

• Stormtroopers - Those white-armored guys in Star Wars who cannot aim.
• Red Shirts - Those red-shirted guys in Star Trek who have no name and always die, especially when away on missions.
• A really big Cage - This serves to hold the captives and thus reduces chances of them not fighting each other/escaping/escaping.

All you have to do is put the Stormtroopers and Red Shirts in the cage. They soon begin to fight at point-blank range, and on the basis that neither army without a meaningful input by an external force can win over the other, the fighting continues to this day. One Red Shirt, Lieutenant Leslie, claims to have been wounded, although some scientists dispute the validity of this claim.

The loop works as this:

• The Storm Troopers see the red shirts and fire, but due to their inherent sight disorder, they can't hit the far side of a barn.
• The Red Shirts, upon being fired, immediately soak up the hot plasma death and thus die.
• Because the Stormtroopers are unable to actually kill something, this creates a form of paranormal quantum loop, in which the red shirts must die, yet can't. Ohh, the paradox.

Edited October 5, 2013 by TrashMan

[Walsingham]

The stormtrooper can't hit anything.

 

The redshirt can't survive an away mission.

 

The redshirt doesn't have to get shot.

 

Most likely there is a two foot tall koala bear with a stick in the scenario. It will kill EVERYTHING>

[Raithe]

[rjshae]

[ShadySands]

[Rosbjerg]

[Lexx]

[Hurlshort]

 

Further evidence that Walsingham is an immortal.

[Nepenthe]

[Malcador]

Problem is those people also can't get along - probably Vatican and the Templars causing a deadlock.

[ShadySands]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

 

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
   
2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
   
3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
   
4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
   
5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
   
6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
   
7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
   
8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
   
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
   
10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    
11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
    
12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
    
13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
    
14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
    
15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
    
16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
    
17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
    
18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
    
19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    
20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
    

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Amentep]

I know its for fun and all, but...

 

Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Aluminum was coined by English chemist Humphrey Davy in his 1812 book CHEMICAL PHILOSOPHY; an anonymous author in that same year's QUARTLY REVIEW (and who was presumably from the UK) argued for the Aluminium spelling and (thus) pronunciation.

 

So...both of these are actually English in origin.

 

Sorry pet peeve, move along...nothing to see here.

[Monte Carlo]

Catsup?

 

I've been English for, literally, *years* and it's always been called Ketchup.

 

The thing that drives me mad at the moment is the creeping Americanisation of the word 'schedule.' This should be properly pronounced 'Shed-yul' in The Queen's English, as opposed to 'Sked-yool' like the Colonials. Yet even my elderly father has taken to the Yank version.

 

Anyhow, I am available for duties as a colonial administrator, I am quite taken by Texas. But not before I raze the capitol and reinstate some sort of half-decent, functioning government (I've built a large enclosure out in the desert for those lobbyists).

[ShadySands]

I had a good laugh posting it because my browser kept telling me all the "oUr" spellings were incorrect

[rjshae]

The tl;dr version:

 

[Guest Slinky]

Catsup?

 

I've been English for, literally, *years* and it's always been called Ketchup.

 

The thing that drives me mad at the moment is the creeping Americanisation of the word 'schedule.' This should be properly pronounced 'Shed-yul' in The Queen's English, as opposed to 'Sked-yool' like the Colonials. Yet even my elderly father has taken to the Yank version.

 

Anyhow, I am available for duties as a colonial administrator, I am quite taken by Texas. But not before I raze the capitol and reinstate some sort of half-decent, functioning government (I've built a large enclosure out in the desert for those lobbyists).

Have pity for the rest of the world, it can be damn hard to communicate with the British sometimes A quote from the Snatch:

 

Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie's got blagged last night.

 

Avi: Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the ****ing language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.

[Amentep]

Catsup?

 

I've been English for, literally, *years* and it's always been called Ketchup.

Its ketchup here in the Southern US despite Wikipedia's claims to the contrary (we though it was a Northern thing).

 

Seems everyone knows someone else who says catsup but never says it themselves...

 

The thing that drives me mad at the moment is the creeping Americanisation of the word 'schedule.' This should be properly pronounced 'Shed-yul' in The Queen's English, as opposed to 'Sked-yool' like the Colonials. Yet even my elderly father has taken to the Yank version.

Its because "sked" sounds cooler than "shed".