The funny things thread

[Katphood]

[Serrano]

[Serrano]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlB1CLbEewU

[JFSOCC]

[LadyCrimson]

My belly can attest to that last comic. Altho I usually think what cats are saying is more along the lines of "Me bor'd, gib attention."

[rjshae]

[Katphood]

[Raithe]

Heh, Wrex at the bar.. post genophage cure.

 

[Raithe]

"For I possess the Gift of Communication!"

 

"Huh, explain the conflict in the Middle East then."

 

"Oh, well that's just Pac Man, with Jerusalem as the Power Pellets"

[TrashMan]

this is a completely gramaticly valid story about a night out and drinking. Do you notice anything strange?


Post party
Prošlog petka primim poziv prijatelja, priprema party, Povedi partnericu poručuje. Prihvaćam poziv, prirodno. Petak, pet popodne,party. Predjelo, panceta, pršut, paški, pašticada, pa pečeno. Prepuno poslastica, primamljivo, priznajem pravi pir. Prije papanja popijem par pelinkovaca. Poštovana partnerica pije pepsi. Poslije pršuta puknem po pivu. Preferiram "Pan" pet puta. Poslije pečenog pijem plavac. Primjećujem promjene ponašanja prouzrokovane pićem. Pretjeruješ, previše piješ! Prigovara partnerica. Poslije ponoći polazak. Pođite pješke, prošetajte, predlažu prijatelji. Ponosno,poput pauna, prilazim peglici. Pokret!
podviknem. Putem problemi, peh, prometna policija. Policajac pozdravi pa pristojno pita prometnu.Primjećuje pripitost. Predlaže puhanje. Pušem, pušem, pa popušim!Podosta promila preko propisanog. Prekršaj plaćam papreno. Parkiram peglicu pokraj puta pa polako pješke. Posrćem pijano, par puta povratim. Ponižen, posramljen, praznog portafoja, primam premilu partnericu pod pazuh. Pred posteljom promucam, ponovno postimo!
Pretpostavljam privremeno!

******************
TRANSLATION
******************
Post Party.
Last Friday I recive a call from a friend, he's preparing a party - bring your partner he tells/messages. I accept the call, naturally. Friday, five in the afternoon, party. Appetizer, panceta, prschutto, paški, pašticada and roast. Overfilled with treats, enticing I admitt, a real celebration. Before nibbling I drink a few pelinkovac (beer). Respected partner (significant other) drinks pepsi. After prschutto I hit the beer. I prefer "Pan" five times. You're overdoing it, you drink too much - my partner complains.
After midnight, time to go. Go on foot, take a walk, my afriends advise me. Proud, like a faun, I approach my peglica (car type). Let's go! I yell. On the way problems, bummer, traffic police. The policeman greats  and politely asks my drivers license. He notices my inbrid state. Suggests blowing. I blow, blow and get blown. Quite a few promills above allowed.  I pay the transgression with a hefty (peppery) sum. I park the car by the road and slowly walk. I stumble drunkenly, throw up a few times. Embarresed, put down, with an empty wallet I grab my dear partner by the arm (lit. under armpit). In front of the bed, I mumble, we're fasting again.
I assume temporarily.

 

 

 

****

gotta love my language

[TrashMan]

And more goodness:

 

*Pičić*- good looking young woman
*Pizda* - (žargonski) Female reporoductive organ
*Pizda* - (od čovjeka) - reffering to a indecisive, rotten, cowardly man
*Pizda* - good looking, but sl**ty woman
*Pizdača* - cunning girl
*Opizditi* - to hit something/someone, ram into something with full force
*Popizditi* - to go mad from anger, foam at mouth, go into sport fevor, rack up a positive score
*Zapizditi* - stab something, add something suddenly
*Pizditi* - to be angry, jealous, nervous
*Ispizditi* - to go mental from waiting or someones actions
*Napizditi* - to go overboard (anger)
*Dopizditi* - become untolerably boring or irritating
*Pizdun* - a good for nothing whiner
*Pizda stara* - positive refference to an old person with lots of experience who's been trough a lot
*Pizdurina* - same as above
*Pizdolizac* - used sometimes for tiny dogs
*Pizda materina* (Koja pizda materina?) - context: what the F***  is happening
*Pizda materina*(Koju pizdu materina?) - context:  what the F*** you need?
*Pizda materina*(Ajde u pizdu materinu) - go back where you came from - quite literary in this case
*Pizda strinina*(A u pizdu strininu) - this shouldnt' have happen to me
*Pizda strinina*(Ajde u pizdu strininu)  - don't f***/mess with me / don't pull my nose
*Pička strinina/materina*i sl ) - angrier version of "Pizda"
*Pička materina*(Ajde u pičku materinu) - go back where you came from - quite literary in this case
*Razbiti pizdu* - to hurt onself, fall, etc..
*Razbiti pičku* - to kick the living s*** out of someone
*Dobiti po pički*- recive a beating from somone
*Pizdin dim* - something totally worthless or useless
*Pičkin dim * - same as above
*Pizdica* - name of a specific type of clam
*Spižđen* - being in a bad mood
*Pripizdina* - a place in the middle of nowhere
*Pizdarija* - S***, something stupid or bad happened
*Pizdarija* -  easily fixable problem
*Pizdarija* - not easily fixable problem
*Strmopizditi* - to go down crashng and burning
*Pičkica* -  refering to a person. Same as "Pička" only a feminine, diminutive version
*Pička ti materina*- .swear. no specific meaning
*Pička ti se ogadila*- another swear. Better not translate it
*Oću pičku materinu*-  longer way to say no (usually when afraid to do something.. something like "Like hell I will!")
*Spičkati se* -  to fall down and mangle onself
*Spičkati se* -   to get overprepared for a night out - refering to females and lot of time and makeup
*Spičkati nešto*-   loose something in a very stupid way . like money on a bet
*Je ti upičku materinu*- longer way to say "no, it's not"
*A u pičku materinu*-  meaning similar to "F****, what have I done?!"
*Ona pička materina*- a specific thing you cannot remember the name of
*Dobar u pičku materinu*- simply too good
*Pičkotehničar* - ginecologyst

Edited March 12, 2013 by TrashMan

[Rosbjerg]

I wish I could share this website 'Overheard in Denmark' there are
some hilarious stories there, but it's all Danish.. So I'll translate..

 

Two girls are standing in a Cinema where the power has gone out.

 

#1: Wow!

#2: What?

#1: You know the power is out right?

#2: Yeah, I'm like not an idiot!?

#1: Yeah, but look here!

nr. 1 shows her mobile to nr 2.

#1: "My mobile has power!"

#2: "OMG! I wonder if mine's got power too..." she pulls it out of her bag "Wow, mine too!"

#1: "Then they shouldn't call it a 'power out?'"
#2: "No, they should like call it an.. Ehm.. 'Cinema out'."
#1: "Eh no? That sounds retarded! Maybe our mobiles just have like coverage from the moon or something."

#2: "It's space dear.. Try Saturn."

 

or another one..

A dad with his 5 year old son is in a gas station buying some flowers and some chocolate.

Clerk: "Looks like all the ingredients for a romantic evening."

Son: "No it's 'cause dad was kissing another woman and now he has to apologize to mom!"

Clerk: "...."

Dad: "...."

[Raithe]

Gengis Khan, not just a Conquerer:

 

Throughout his reign, and moreover his conquests of Asia, he was sleeping with, raping or romancing just about every woman he could find. He found a lot.

When you've been scientifically credited as the ancestor to .5 per cent of the human population today, that is the symbol of a true sex god. In other words, his "conquests" were so numerous, he was really was the father to a plurality of Asia.

[HoonDing]

[Guest The Architect]

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

[Rosbjerg]

http://www.theuselessweb.com/

 

Hours of fun..

[rjshae]

 

[Rosbjerg]

This is what happens when you take a ****ed up 70/80's kid show and put dubstep to it.

 

The door opens - and who trashes the party?

[Raithe]

 

 

"What do you mean he's dead grandpa?!"

 

"Well, he is played by Sean Bean, what were you expecting?"

[Raithe]

The Political Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Edited March 16, 2013 by Raithe

[Katphood]

[Orogun01]

@Raithe:
I haven't cried laughing in a while, thanks for posting that.

[Raithe]

@Orogun01, I'm glad to see that in the morass of funnies I throw out, one at least tickled your fancy..

 

 

[rjshae]

Two cows are locked up in a pen watching a bull roam free outside.

 

Suddenly the bull explodes.

 

The cows look at each other. One says, "that's abominable!"

[rjshae]

A busy Doctor is finishing his rounds when he realized he forgot to check on a patient in the other wing. He stops by the duty station and asks, "Nurse, how is that patient who swallowed a quarter?"

 

The Nurse pull out a chart, looks it over, then responds, "No change yet, Doctor".