Stupid things you have learned

[Calax]

Yes... that's right... I'm making a topic in which you try to rattle off all the stupid things you've learned about life and warfare from your computer games.

 

For Example I've learned from the Warriors games (Koei's benchmark for any run around and slaughter game):

If you are unique, you can take anything be it a sword, shield, feather fan (that shoots lazers....), Childs toy, your arms, flintlock pistols(that are rapid fire), a giant mace, axes, spears, a deck of cards... whatever, and make it kill in one blow.

You will also be a great general

Rice balls will heal any wound... even those inflicted by a giant cannon the size of a bus.

Some warriors on the battlefield are so femenine even the ladies man will take him for a girl. (ranamru Mori)

One soldier will win a fight by standing at a crossroads and mowing down close to 1000 men and officers in a five minute period

All wives of generals were either spies, or ninjas, or both.

 

 

And from other games

Soldiers are never born and trained. they are made from credits and walk out of a tent in a field.(Strat games)

Germans always stopped to let the allied rangers run in front of them (Company of Heroes)

In the future, our biological processes will be integrated with a technological neuronet that will allow us to hack robots by looking at them (Deus Ex Invisible War)

Anytime "interdimentional transport" is mentioned... run the other way, VERY FAST. (FPS Half Life)

Hot half naked chicks will try to kill you.(Sin:Emergance)

Being the savior of the world also means you are the only guy who makes the mail go. (about half the RPG's on the planet)

Saviors never screw up when they save the world... the world screws up and needs saving again. (Jrpgs and their sequals)

Cars when flipped blow up (see GTA series)

In WWII a soldier could be hit by 1000 rounds, three tank blasts, a strafing run, grenades, mg42's and your average beanbag and survive as long as he had three seconds to duck and cover (Call of duty 2)

Cyborgs are evil when the person requested to become a 'borg, And good when they must be a 'borg to survive.(General)

Guns when in the hands of anyone except the player, only hit the ground. In the hands of a player, the worst accuracy gun will be able to knock a beerbottle off of William tells forehead at 2000 yds.(older FPS')

Crossbows do more damage than your average shotgun.(Half Life 2)

It is better to be a Quest giver than a Quest doer (WoW... You get some serious treasures for some of those quest givers)

The same battle will always have new stuff to play (Star Wars and it's hoth. As well as playing airborne during normandy)

The party leader is always a savior or some sort of chosen one. It's NEVER a party member.

The party leader is (when the leader isn't player made) male.

The love interest in the game will either A) die B) marry the protagonist or C) live a life of solitude because the protagonist dies/goes on a journey to find themselves or is exiled.

 

 

 

 

think up some of your own.

[Diamond]

FPS games: You can carry about a dozen weapons at the same time (including RPG, of course) and ammunition for all of it. Also you can jump, run and swim while carrying it all.

[Pop]

Food and / or first aid kits can fix anything. Doesn't matter if you've suffered third degree burns or you've taken two barrels of buckshot to the gut, find that little red cross and you're ready to kick some ass in no time.

[Oerwinde]

People will only allow you to respond to what they say if you already know their name.

[aVENGER]

Heh, this thread kind of reminds me of a site which lists some of the most popular (console) RPG cliches. A few examples:

 

RPG characters are young. Very young. The average age seems to be 15, unless the character is a decorated and battle-hardened soldier, in which case he might even be as old as 18. Such teenagers often have skills with multiple weapons and magic, years of experience, and never ever worry about their parents telling them to come home from adventuring before bedtime. By contrast, characters more than twenty-two years old will cheerfully refer to themselves as washed-up old fogies and be eager to make room for the younger generation.

 

Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores.

 

Your group is the only bunch of people trying to save the world. All other would-be heroes will either join your party or else turn out to be cowards and/or con men.

 

Click here to read more.

[kalimeeri]

Only fire or acid will kill a troll.

'Detect Life' works on ghosts.

[Tigranes]

I remember that list. Good stuff.

 

Can't remember if these were in that list too, but since the link is dead;

 

A) Rats will always, always carry money. These creatures seem to have built an independent economy where they will take human money, keep it carefully preserved and carry it with them at all times. These gold coins appear to operate as symbols of authority in the rat society, and often the leader of each rat community will carry a considerably larger amount of money.

Exception; When a rat is broke, it will ensure that its tails are detachable, presumably for a similar purpose. (Planescape: Torment)

 

B) Despite being a hermit in the middle of nowhere who has only ever sold items to yourself and live a life of simple frugality, he will have 1,000,000 gold with which to purchase your loot, such as rat tails.

Exception; Sometimes this may not be the case, and shops actually own so little money they would not be able to buy their own merchandise. This is because a mysterious crab has taken all the money in the universe. (Morrowind)

 

C) The game universe, no matter how advanced, civilised or technologically adept it may be, will have only one functional airship at any given time. The giant wheel of Fate or somesuch ensures that as soon as another, usually better, airship becomes available, the previous one is destroyed, usually with a lot of fire and noise. Despite this scarcity of airships, every city, town, cave and ancient ruin will harbour an airport specifically designed, built and manned to service your vehicle during its two weeks of intensive usage.

Exception; Your aircraft may sometimes come across less prescient townships, but thankfully you are always provided with an excuse to crash into the middle of it, saving you the need to find parking space. (FFVII, many times)

[Diamond]

From long ago. Some of them overlap with the list from aVENGER's link.

Here. (Feb 3 2007: popups alert)

Many of them are related to FF series, but some are applicable to all RPGs.

Examples:

Dealing With Beautiful Women, Part 1 (Yuffie Rule) - All good-looking young females are there to help you. This rule holds even when the girl in question is annoying, useless, or clearly evil.

 

Dealing With Beautiful Women, Part 2 (Rouge Rule) - All good-looking middle-aged females are out to kill you. This rule holds even when the woman in question has attained your unwavering trust and respect.

Currency Name Convention - All currencies in games start with the letter G. (gil, gella, goth, gilder, gold, etc.)

Dibs Rule - In most cases, your party are the only ones trying to save the world. Nobody else ever beats you to it or even tries. Anybody that is trying to save the world on their own ends up either joining you, or dying.

Duel boss - Most games have a boss that you have to find as just the main character.

[CoM_Solaufein]

You must gather your party before venturing forth. Really? You don't say.

 

RPGs where you can walk around great distances in full plate armor with no ill effects. Carrying around an assortment of weapons and other equipment without feeling fatigued. Or keeling over the first mile from exhaustion. Everyone in RPGs is strong with godly stamina.

 

Fallout, bottle caps is currency? Surely there are other items of value that can be used.

[Walsingham]

Never put down antthing. I have a room in my flat which contains anything I find in houses I enter.

 

Helping old ladies find missing cats will make you a mighty wizard.

[Atreides]

Deathclaws are furry.

[Enoch]

Gold coins are weightless.

 

Every once in a while, a group of bronze-age spearment will triumph, Ewok-like, over a squadron of modern attack helicopters.

 

If all the lights go out, for even an instant, a grue attack is imminent.

 

You must gather your party before venturing forth.

[Hurlshort]

Space Quest - You can easily fit a mop down your pants. You will, however, be happy to see everyone.

[Dark_Raven]

Halflings and gnomes can wield two handed swords, halberds and other large weapons with ease.

[Wistrik]

When you slay the evil demon and pull the shard out of its forehead, you must immediately plunge it into your own forehead despite common sense suggesting otherwise. (Diablo)

 

Despite a war between the greatly superior powers of Heaven and Hell, and your ally being a powerful Arch-Angel, you, a mere mortal, are the one expected to save the world. (Diablo 2, LoD)

 

Though you may be the child of a (dead) god, you will be about as powerful as your normal party members (the Slayer helps but is only an option for evil characters). Meanwhile, the other divine children who are supposed to be less powerful than you invariably have god-like abilities and are capable of commanding armies and sacking entire cities (and they don't have a time limit on those abilities). (Baldur's Gate I, II)

 

As you adventure through the countryside, you will invariably run into book characters or former (now dead) enemies who will aid you or join your party merely for the 'cool factor'. (Baldur's Gate I, II)

 

Your love interests will always suffer from various emotional imbalances and/or a tortured past, and it falls upon you to be the skilled counselor. Counseling typically involves sex. (Baldur's Gate I, II)

 

Any attempt to merely be friends with a potential love interest effectively ends the relationship, just like in real life. (Baldur's Gate I, II, unmodded)

 

People will forcibly attach themselves to you and your cause, often for their own selfish reasons and despite your wish for it to be otherwise. (KotoR, NWN2, HL2)

 

You can sail off into the eastern sea and arrive on the western coast without circling the globe. This phenomenon also occurs in dungeons (Ultima III, IV, V, Bard's Tale)

 

You always start sequels with no or meager equipment despite what you were wearing when you finished the first game/campaign in the series. (various RPGs)

 

You always start sequels at level 1, with no equipment, despite playing the part of the same character. (Ultima II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX)

 

Plot-critical characters will be invulnerable and may also have godlike powers, such as the ability to slay you on sight, despite your abilities or heritage. (Baldur's Gate I, II)

 

All my problems can be solved with violence. (Most games)

 

The best way to improve the neighborhood is to kill everyone who isn't on your side. (Most games)

 

The only way to grow as a person is to kill things. (various games)

 

Though there are days and nights, merchants and other key NPCs tend to stay up 24/7 just for you. (various games)

 

You can completely ignore/avoid using certain party NPCs but they will still blame you for all their problems in the end (and they'll somehow get there despite your wishes). (NWN2)

 

All the reasoning and loving concern in the world won't sway the minds of scripted NPCs. (NWN OC)

 

You being as a lowly mercenary but somehow grow to be the most powerful people in the region, despite there being others who have far more years of training and experience than you do. (IWD, IWD2, NWN OC)

 

 

Some of these may overlap what that site has, but I felt like posting from my personal experiences rather than from a big collection. Much of what is on that site is from console RPGs, which I've never played.

[Calax]

What'd be interesting is if Josh and his cohorts made a game that tries to avoid at least 3/4's of the cliches.

 

For example, your party is a bunch of mooks who run around trying to save a dying corrupt empire.

[Musopticon?]

A thief can carry several tons of loot in his person(inlcuding a dozen one-foot candlesticks) without dying from internal hemorrhaging and serious rectal trauma. (Thief trilogy)

Edited February 4, 2007 by Musopticon?

[Rosbjerg]

Halflings and gnomes can wield two handed swords, halberds and other large weapons with ease.

 

and put on an armor that a 10 feet tall giant was just wearing..

--

 

People will repeat themselves endlessly when they run out of news/goosip/interesting things to say..

 

Things apparantly only happen when you are around (those orcs will stand in the exact same spot for days and days until you pass by)

 

Graveyards all have silly inscriptions and will often contain zombies or other various nightcreatures at night..

[Dark_Raven]

Baldur's Gate and Fallout, Fallout2 headstones have comical inscriptions.

Edited February 4, 2007 by Dark_Raven

[Tale]

Baldur's Gate and Fallout, Fallout2 headstones have comical inscriptions.

He looked up the shaft to see if the cart was coming down. It was.

[Hassat Hunter]

*If you not look behind you when someone says "look behind you, a three-headed monkey!" a three-headed monkey appears (Monkey Island)

 

*Undead are lousy in PR (Monkey Island 3)

 

*Only when you are hold in a ship you cannot steal the items available for personal use and benefit (MI3 VS. alot of RPG's)

 

*If people hunt you down they only arrive just in time; but do have time to start long-distance chats before that (Deus Ex)

 

*Even if you wiped out their entire armies and kill them on sight... you can still join their cause if you just give them the info they want (Deus Ex: Invisible War)

 

*You are perfectly able to summon the endboss for a chat for a secondary mission if you already killed him in the mainplot (Dungeon Siege2: Broken World)

[Weiser_Cain]

Stepping on lava will kill you.

[Hassat Hunter]

*In order to lose the law you can change your appearance or the appearance of your transportation. There is no need to ever do both. (GTA: SA)

 

*Cops cannot see you change your current vehicle straight infront of them; but they do notice when you steal a new car in the middle of nowhere with nobody in sight for square miles. (GTA's)

 

*Shopkeepers have alot of items; but you can only steal them when the shopkeepers remain alive (BG's). Might be related with the fact shopkeepers don't notice things dissapearing in front of them when you stand behind them (Oblivion).

 

*Reversed Darwinism: You do not need to addapt to your enviroment; the enviroment adapts to you (Kotors, but most obviously Oblivion)

 

*Asking a doorguard for the way in than giving that way in 5 min. later doesn't raise any suspicion (alot of RPG's and Adventures)

 

*The less reliable the machine; the harder you make it to kill them (Deus Ex (killswitches and phrases))

 

*Giving up a name; then 2 min later yet another doesn't raise suspicion either; and they will always remember you as the second... (Monkey Island 3 and various RPG's)

[alanschu]

Stepping on lava will kill you.

 

At least you learned something actually applicable to reality with that one.

Edited February 5, 2007 by alanschu

[Diogo Ribeiro]

A studded bra, high heeled boots and a thong provide the same kind of protection that a full suit of armor does.