What You Did Today

[ManifestedISO]

I've noticed how, now that my hair is longer than Point Break Patrick Swayze, people react totally differently. Instead of mild bemusement or instant disinterest, females stop and gaze for close to two seconds ... even random dudes at the grocery store strike up conversation about the type of beer in my cart. Plus I get carded for everything, which is the most satisfying.

 

Today I went to the comic shop and the grocery store. Wonder Woman #4 and Stone Brewing Delicious IPA are both on the table.   

[Malcador]

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

[ShadySands]

Day 1 of lightning training

 

My wife is going to throw increasingly powerful electronic devices in the shower with me over the course of the next six months or I am immune to lightning or death, whichever comes first.

[Gromnir]

become immune to lightning or death? sounds like a no lose choice.  please send us details o' the protocol.  much thanks.

 

HA! Good Fun!

[Guard Dog]

It was a long week, followed by a long (not in a good way) weekend. I'm turning off the TV, Radio, everything. On the way home I bought a bottle of Knob Creek Single Barrel Reserve. I'm going to sit on the porch, pour a drink, watch the sun set and count the stars. 

[Agiel]

I've noticed how, now that my hair is longer than Point Break Patrick Swayze, people react totally differently. Instead of mild bemusement or instant disinterest, females stop and gaze for close to two seconds ... even random dudes at the grocery store strike up conversation about the type of beer in my cart. Plus I get carded for everything, which is the most satisfying.

 

Today I went to the comic shop and the grocery store. Wonder Woman #4 and Stone Brewing Delicious IPA are both on the table.   

 

I got some random compliments from ladies walking down the street or working cash registers when I grew my mane out (and we're talking about half-way down my back). Unfortunately I'm scrawny enough that whenever I wore slim pants I'd also occasionally get mistaken for a lady from behind

[ManifestedISO]

To borrow a third-person turn of phrase, we look terrible in slim jeans. Skinny jeans are a nightmare of proportion on our less-than-6', less-than-170lb frame. Upper body is much better ... grip strength is high percentile, which helps us not to cry in our sleep every night.

 

Did you know that in Brazil, they don't distinguish between men's and women's shoe sizes, nor shame you for buying a pair of WW Havaianas, arriving Tuesday. I know I have a problem, but if this is wrong, I don't want to be right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gfted1]

Happy Birthday Malc and GD!!!!

 

I spent the weekend fishing and garage drinking.

[Gorth]

Split off the quest for immortality in it's own thread because it deserves to live forever.

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Day two of not talking to the person I'm dating, only twelve more to go...

She needed some time alone to deal with some personal stuff and the plan isn't to break up but it still feels weird.

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

Day two of not talking to the person I'm dating, only twelve more to go...

She needed some time alone to deal with some personal stuff and the plan isn't to break up but it still feels weird.

Don't know you or the situation but sounds like a pretty big red flag tbh.

[Hurlshort]

KP is right, that's not a good thing.  I mean, a cycle only lasts 5-7 days, so that's pretty much the longest you should need to stay away.    

 

Honestly the most important part of relationships is having a teammate to help deal with the personal stuff.  There is a problem if that is not happening.

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

KP is right, that's not a good thing.

This statement is always true.

 

 

 

 

Anyways today I couldn't work because it rained all day and spent the day watching movies with breaks taken to work out and hook up. Probably should have written something but I can't work unless I'm miserable or infuriated.

[Deadly_Nightshade]

 

Day two of not talking to the person I'm dating, only twelve more to go...

She needed some time alone to deal with some personal stuff and the plan isn't to break up but it still feels weird.

Don't know you or the situation but sounds like a pretty big red flag tbh.

 

 

Normally I would agree but considering there is both PTSD and avoidant/anxious attachment in play in addition to her being written out of her parent's will and her sister going through a less than happy divorce it's a much more complicated situation (we actually chatted briefly tonight when we happened to be playing Minecraft at the same time so it's not like we're not talking at all, there's just going to be a break from meeting up and constantly texting/talking while things settle - plus it's the start of classes and we're both going to be busier).

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

 

 

Day two of not talking to the person I'm dating, only twelve more to go...

She needed some time alone to deal with some personal stuff and the plan isn't to break up but it still feels weird.

Don't know you or the situation but sounds like a pretty big red flag tbh.

 

 

Normally I would agree but considering there is both PTSD and avoidant/anxious attachment in play in addition to her being written out of her parent's will and her sister going through a less than happy divorce it's a much more complicated situation (we actually chatted briefly tonight when we happened to be playing Minecraft at the same time so it's not like we're not talking at all, there's just going to be a break from meeting up and constantly texting/talking while things settle - plus it's the start of classes and we're both going to be busier).

 

All right man, hope everything works out but had to call it like I saw it.

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Fair enough, and thanks.

[ManifestedISO]

Honestly the most important part of relationships is having a teammate to help deal with the personal stuff.  There is a problem if that is not happening.

 

Team sports are hard. Deep down, individuals among us wish they could compete with, and compliment others on a team level.

 

On the other hand, watching Olympic track and field, this individual would like to compete with Dafne Schippers of the Netherlands on every level. 

[Leferd]

 

On the other hand, watching Olympic track and field, this individual would like to compete with Dafne Schippers of the Netherlands on every level. 

 

 

This is the only thing I could think of when I see her.

 

 

Twins.

[ManifestedISO]

I wouldn't mind. She could break me, in half or in thirds, we'd still have fun carbo-loading on spaghetti and meatballs and whatever they drink in Holland.

[Longknife]

So this is my sort of depressing story about depression.

I feel like I've suffered from depression for a long time, finally got to the point where I wanted to stop bottling it up and hiding it. Recently went to a doctor just to get the neccesary paperwork and permission to go to a psychologist. Instead, he sent me to a neurologist. I voiced some concern about that and asked why, he said it was standard and that they'd rather measure my brain for any oddities regarding brain waves or wtf-ever because depression can be detected that way. Typical ****ing Germany, I thought. Better believe they're gonna find a way to avoid talking about problems (or talking at all for that matter) and instead they're gonna make things all factual and reduce the situation to a measure of data. But whatever, when in Rome, and not like the USA (which btw Germany, you taught me is the world leader in psychological research. EVER THINK MEBBE THEY ONTO SOMETHING WITH GOING TO PSYCHOLOGISTS FIRST?) is ever gonna insure me with one leg anyways. I agree and go to the neurologist, though my fears are that he'll show little sympathy and just give me drugs.

 

Was there today and he was actually ready to perscribe drugs before I even told him why I felt depressed. It felt like when I told my story all that did was affect the dosage. The perscription even came before the brain scans. Even after I told him, he offered that I could go to a psychologist but said it wasn't neccesary and that it was optional. When I'll get a psychologist appointment...? We will see. Called around and several already booked for months. What's more, currently on the lookout for a job (screw night shift with the last one, that **** gets old and I wonder if a lack of sun isn't part of my problem), and was considering taking it slow because the last time I felt depressed and went job hunting, it was awful. My confidence was just terrible and yet I had to bull**** people and tell them that I felt great and act like there was nothing wrong while overselling my attitude about various positions. This time I just went to the unemployment office and told them I felt like I lack confidence at the moment and I'd like to see if I'm even in good enough mental health to look for a job before we start with that process. This was a bit hard for me to say because I HATE being a problem, and German culture...? Every second mother****er in Germany is so drunk off workaholism that they'd gladly kill four hookers in cold blood if it meant you'd give them a job. I'm a total fish out of water here in that regard, as is every foreigner ever. I mean good on the Germans for their productivity and happiness with work, it's just frustrating when YOU feel burnt out and you have no one to vent to because the moment you chat up Heinz about it he's like "NONSENSE, EVERY NIGHT WHEN I BANG MY WIFE I'M THINKING 'GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO FILE THAT PAPERWORK TOMORROW SO I CAN STOP PLOWING MY WIFE.'" You ****ers are crazy.

So I go there partially in assignment from the unemployment office to deduce if I'm fit to work at the moment or not, and when the time comes for this neurologist to give his input, he says "only you can determine if you feel good enough for it or not." I start explaining why I'm reluctant to say "yeah I'm ready" due to a past experience with searching for work while depressed, he THEN tells me "I hold the stance we should try things first, then later we can take measures neccesary if it's not working out" as he starts nudging me towards not worrying about it until it proves a problem. Yeah dude, let the guy who's feeling god awful find himself in a god awful situation, THEN we can fix it! That's EXACTLY what my fear was: that he was gonna pressure me into trying anyways. It's hard to describe cause it just feels so ****ty. No one likes being unemployed cause you feel worthless; now try it in a society of workaholics where you have to get up the nerve to say "hey I'm not feeling so hot" and their response is "U CAN DO IT" because hot damn working is so important. Every moment not spent working is a moment not lived, right?

 

Maybe this all sounds petty but the way things are done here is just a real turn-off to me. Depression can affect one's brain chemistry, thus medication is often assigned. I get that much. Still, I'm confrontational by nature. I want to resolve the issues that led me to feeling this way. I want to discuss them, I want to be able to walk away from them feeling like they're truly resolved and like I'm at peace with them. I want to hear from a psychologist the exact reasoning why this medication is viewed as a correction to bring me back to my former self rather than "actually we just give these out so people can function in society better lol," because just taking something to change myself to be more functional just sounds gross to me. Taking meds just to **** around with my brain chemistry and make me feel good...? Seems like that masks the problem, in a way. It doesn't really change that some **** went down that really hurt and affected me, and the whole presentation sends an attitude of "I don't care about your problems, take two of these and go away."

 

Writing all this cause I find myself hesitating and debating if I want to take them, at least until I get a psychologist appointment (which sadly could be months, by the looks of things). If the goals were to resolve some problems and buy some time to relax and dwell on it before I'm back to work...? Well clearly I've failed in the latter point so it's not like I'm obligated to take medication for the me-time, and clearly I myself have some reservations about just taking drugs so everything is magically sunshine and rainbow farts.  Doesn't help that I looked up the medication I got and it's likewise perscribed for ADHD, and there's this big honking warning that says "oh btw patients often feel more depressed and even suicidal the first three weeks of taking this. If you feel like killing yourself, don't do it lol."

 

Thoughts? This was legit my fear that I was gonna be shoved off to someone that'd prefer scans and drugs to talking and resolving issues while showing a classic "BUT WORK IS IMPORTANT!!!1" view instead of a more relaxed and understanding one, and here I am. Maybe it sounds ignorant or crazy, but a part of me just thinks that if you cannot explain to me why everything is gonna be alright and life moves on, then I question if it's so much a "chemical imbalance" in the brain so much as it is a natural reaction to the stuff you've lived through. I want to take medication only if I'm convinced thanks to explanations I can fully grasp and understand 100%, not just as a "oh ****, citizen #147,238 is having difficulty functioning in society. Let's give him drugs before we see a drop in our GDP!!" Hard to really describe my point without sounding like some nutjob that thinks the government drugs citizens for productivity or something; yeah I'm aware of that tone and understand I'm speaking hyperbolized and don't think that way. I guess it's just more that if this is who I am and if this is my identity: a melancholy guy that struggles to move past hardships I've had to go through, then I still don't know if I want to force a change and be a different person (to a degree) as opposed to trying to find a way to cope with it given the mindset I have naturally.

[Serrano]

 Dafne Schippers of the Netherlands

 

 

She's hot but she's no Michelle Jenneke. 

[Gorth]

Waiting patiently (or not so patiently) for reference checks to be made and hope they check out Ok. Maybe I should have added a lot more names to the list.

[ManifestedISO]

Not to be a double downer, but I lost my goddaughter over the weekend, a six-year old mini red dachshund. She was tossed down the stairs by a two-year old human, compressing her spine and subsequently euthanized late Saturday. If I stop crying it will be sometime in 2017.

[ShadySands]

[Deadly_Nightshade]