The Funny Things Thread.

[Azdeus]

Woooosh.

[babaganoosh13]

"Eventually, theatre staff was notified, and the Canadian living legend was loudly removed from the cinema. Witnesses report that he did not go quietly. One patron recalled, “The last thing I heard him yelling was, ‘Have you been to space? Because I’ve been to space!’” 

“But he’s still a hero, I suppose.”

 

1. What a loser.

 

2. Going to space doesn't make you a hero (unless you a reblowing up an asteroid that is about to destroy Earth that is <>).

The Beaverton is the Canadian equiviancy of The Onion.

 

Chris actually did a Q&A at the film's premiere at TIFF.

Edited November 2, 2013 by babaganoosh13

[Keyrock]

You know, if an asteroid was headed toward earth the last thing you would want to do is blow it up.  That wouldn't be heroic at all, even if it was Bruce Willis and/or Ben Afleck.  That would only spread the damage over a larger area of the world.  We'd still all be ****ed.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Keyrock

[Woldan]

And you can't blow up an asteroid anyway, without oxygen there is no pressure wave like one earth. All you'd get -even with an atomic bomb- would be lots of heat and radiation concentrated in a relatively small area. And thats it.

 

*edit* If the asteroid consists of rock AND ice however you can insta-melt the ice, it vaporizes and creates lots of pressure probably blowing up the asteroid.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Woldan

[HoonDing]

You know, if an asteroid was headed toward earth the last thing you would want to do is blow it up.  That wouldn't be heroic at all, even if it was Bruce Willis and/or Ben Afleck.  That would only spread the damage over a larger area of the world.  We'd still all be ****ed.

It would still mean the difference between end of all life and end of some life. A lot of smaller pieces of the asteroid would vaporize in the Earth's atmosphere.

[Woldan]

What happens when you turn a huge rock into a bunch of smaller rocks? The surface increases dramatically and the energy stays the same. When the smaller pieces enter the atmosphere (assuming they're still as big as entire buildings) they heat up the atmosphere over a larger area, more than a single large object would.

Breaking the asteroid into smaller pieces increases the chances of hitting an ocean AND land at the same time, so you're not only getting thousands of devastating forest fires that pollute the air and further heat up earths atmosphere you'd also get deadly floods on all coastal areas. - And that happens to be the place where most of earths population lives. So you'd get either burned or washed away.

 

Of course, the shock wave of one large object would do massive damage and produce an enormous shock wave, in the end its a no-win situation. Getting hit by a large caliber rifle projectile or 9x 00 shotgun pellets, your day is ruined either way.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Woldan

[Keyrock]

The point is, the correct course of action would be to attempt to deflect the asteroid just enough so it misses us, rather than breaking it up into pieces.  Assuming we detected it early enough and sprung into action quickly, we might only need to change its trajectory by a degree or two.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Keyrock

[HoonDing]

Blowing things up is the solution to everything.

[ManifestedISO]

That is a properly scary avatar. 

[Woldan]

The problem is, we would have to detect it VERY early, changing the flight path of a mountain-sized asteroid via gravitational forces produced by probes (thats what we can do right now) would probably take years, asteroids are moving with dozens of kilometers a second so we would have to shoot the probe(s) to the asteroid with blistering speeds.
Right now I'd say we'd be totally screwed.
 

That is a properly scary avatar. 

Whose avatar? Mine? It better be, its me on a Halloween party as crazy horror butcher. 

 

 

 

Edited November 2, 2013 by Woldan

[ManifestedISO]

I know, that's why it's scary. You're not an actor, in a movie, you're a real guy who can do chin-ups without using his arms.  

[Rosbjerg]

Scandinavia, the Canada of Europe..

[ManifestedISO]

mmm ... kladdkaka

 

 

Better to be the Canada of the world, than the Florida of anywhere in the universe. 

[rjshae]

[Oner]

[Raithe]

To return to Amazon reviews.. Amazon - Haribo Gummi Candy, Sugarless Gummi Bears

 

 

Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.

By C. Torok   on October 3, 2012

Amazon Verified Purchase

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

 

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

 

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

 

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

 

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

 

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

 

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

 

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

 

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

 

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

 

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

 

 

 

Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives

By DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer on October 3, 2013

 

The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley what you are searching for.

.

I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

 

 

Gastrointestinal Armageddon

By C. Cooper   on November 23, 2009

 

When I got these, I couldn't contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. Scenes from the movie 2012 could have been filmed inside my gut. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

 

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn't the brightest thing I've done (but it also wasn't the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I'll probably leave a suicide note.

 

 

Rapture me, please lord.

By Craig L.  on October 5, 2013

 

As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?

 

What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can't be all my s***. There's no way. That's not my s***. That's s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.

 

Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!

 

My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.

[JFSOCC]

The point is, the correct course of action would be to attempt to deflect the asteroid just enough so it misses us, rather than breaking it up into pieces.  Assuming we detected it early enough and sprung into action quickly, we might only need to change its trajectory by a degree or two.

you know, I've heard and seen this come up a bunch of times, and I don't think it's true

 

When you break up an asteroid into a lot of tiny little pieces, you increase the surface area by such a large amount, that I believe it would burn up a significantly larger portion of the meteorite in the atmosphere, rather than if you can one big chunk with a limited surface area.

[GhoulishVisage]

[kirottu]

Hah! Classics never die.

[Woldan]

Classic! I love it. 

[Oner]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7874385152/h52DE6832/

[JFSOCC]

klaus ohne kopf has a credit in that, hilarious.

[Walsingham]

I have to acquire some of those gummi bears. There are a great many folks in need of swift ungodly justice.

 

I wonder if one could customise a nerf gun to fire them into people's open mouths?

 

EDIT: It would appear that the key ingredient is LYCASIN.

 

I deduce that one could load lycasin syrup into a supersoaker and get into the world's most deviant waterfight.

 

As a point of order I am not encouraging anyone to give lycasin to anyone. Always forcefeed lycasin on the advice of a physician.

Edited November 3, 2013 by Walsingham

[Woldan]

Another classic.....

 

[Hurlshort]

 

The point is, the correct course of action would be to attempt to deflect the asteroid just enough so it misses us, rather than breaking it up into pieces.  Assuming we detected it early enough and sprung into action quickly, we might only need to change its trajectory by a degree or two.

you know, I've heard and seen this come up a bunch of times, and I don't think it's true

 

When you break up an asteroid into a lot of tiny little pieces, you increase the surface area by such a large amount, that I believe it would burn up a significantly larger portion of the meteorite in the atmosphere, rather than if you can one big chunk with a limited surface area.

 

 

I'm pretty comfortable leaving this whole scenario in the hands of rocket scientists.