What you did today

[BruceVC]

I bought tickets to the Denver Comic Con. I've never been to one but I always wanted to go when I lived in NYC but never got around to it.

Sweet, I wish we had events as prestigious as that in South Africa

[Rosbjerg]

Yeah me too - I think I need to save up to a US trip and then go to a Comic Con.

[JFSOCC]

My parents are control freaks. My mom is trying to micro manage my life from 2000 miles away because "we're supporting you" and I had to point out that for right now, I'm supporting myself.

 

And she gave me the "maybe you shouldn't be in college" speech again.

 

And when I mentioned I want to GTFO of America for Europe, she basically said "I don't think you can because you'd have no job, and no support there!"

 

So, she wants me to be basically a "bum" in america with no real future.

 

 

Or, to get more to the root of the problem... I currently have 0 people in my life who have an optimistic view of my future and who are trying to actually help me get back in school and finish my degree.

If you want to come to Europe, go backpacking. spend little, meet people and let them help you, you'll do fine. If you are seen to make an effort to speak the local language, all the better, though in Germany or the Netherlands or the north of Belgium, you'd have no trouble.

 

I know the disapproving/disappointed parent thing too well. And I know how depressing it is, but you're not living your life for them. I too have felt (sometimes still feel) that life is passing me by, but then, I look at the people I admire and find many of them were late to the game. Some of them found they wanted to do something completely different with their life than what they had expected they wanted. So who knows. There's no guarantees that I can offer you, but don't get hung up on failures. besides, my greatest failures ended up teaching me the greatest wisdom I've come by.

[WDeranged]

My brother went to pick up Dad's death certificate today, the cause was exactly what we suspected, which is a terrible kind of mercy but it at least confirms that his death was very quick, I'm back home for a few days so I need to try my best to wind down and start dealing with my own grief, I feel ten years older

[Nepenthe]

 

Meanwhile, I'm at work, so tired I could actually just fall asleep at my desk. Guess it's a few months of old stress leaving the body, and being replaced with new stresses (finding an apartment, moving to a new city pretty far from friends and family, taking a 30 % cut on my base salary, but now with a percentage of all the money I bring in...)

 

Also, as its not a (major) campus town, finding educated young ladies is going to be, if not impossible, certainly a lot harder than here. ****.

[BruceVC]

 

Meanwhile, I'm at work, so tired I could actually just fall asleep at my desk. Guess it's a few months of old stress leaving the body, and being replaced with new stresses (finding an apartment, moving to a new city pretty far from friends and family, taking a 30 % cut on my base salary, but now with a percentage of all the money I bring in...)

 

Also, as its not a (major) campus town, finding educated young ladies is going to be, if not impossible, certainly a lot harder than here. ****.

 

Which city are you now moving to Nep?

 

I know changing a job can be stressful, even if you aren't happy in your current job, but I also believe a change like this will be therapeutic. New people, new faces and new life opportunities

[Nepenthe]

Which city are you now moving to Nep?

 

I know changing a job can be stressful, even if you aren't happy in your current job, but I also believe a change like this will be therapeutic. New people, new faces and new life opportunities

Small enough to fairly reliably ID myself, if I post it here. :D

 

Probably natural to have second thoughts at this point, but it's a job, not a prison sentence, so I can always just leave, if it goes completely to hell. I'll see what happens.

[BruceVC]

Which city are you now moving to Nep?

 

I know changing a job can be stressful, even if you aren't happy in your current job, but I also believe a change like this will be therapeutic. New people, new faces and new life opportunities

Small enough to fairly reliably ID myself, if I post it here. :D

 

Probably natural to have second thoughts at this point, but it's a job, not a prison sentence, so I can always just leave, if it goes completely to hell. I'll see what happens.

 

As long as you'll still have access to the Obsidian forums the whole experience should be manageable

[Nepenthe]

Letäs count on that. :D

[JFSOCC]

I hate my mother, I hate being poor, I hate being 26 and stuck with her. That Transactional psychology video made a lot of sense. And I don't credit my mother with the willpower to do something about her crappy way of treating me like I'm a child. I hate getting blamed for **** she sets me up to, I hate not being able to see her emotional manipulative behaviour before it is too late, and I hate constantly falling for it and giving an antagonising response.

There is just no winning.

I wish my apartment was never torn down. Back then I still had a good relationship with my mother. I'm sick of feeling guilty for responding with anger when she so clearly puts me in that position. I'm sick of being barraged all day every day with helpful suggestions I didn't ****ing ask for. And I'm sick of the inherent disapproval and disappointment she constantly telegraphs to me.

I ****ing hate her.

[Malcador]

Uhm ok ?

 

Anyway, got a good laugh at this problem at work that ate up my day yesterday, amazing insight that I had in the shower "What if there's another server somewhere handling things?". And yep, turns out the London team is running one, was worried that somehow my database had gone rogue and was self-replicating or something similar

[Gfted1]

Hate is a strong word, use it with caution. I assume something is preventing you from moving out (your reference to being poor)?

 

Generally speaking, and being a parent myself, I think most parents only want the best for their children. Maybe she just has a poor method of communicating that to you. Have you ever tried talking to her about it?

[WDeranged]

snip

 

You could try telling her exactly how you feel, but maybe tell her how much you freaking hate the things that she does rather than that you hate her...it might seem impossible but I've solved quite a few impassable situations by choking down the shame and plainly saying how I feel.

 

It's important to remember that in her own twisted motherly way she thinks she's trying to help you with these suggestions

 

*edit*

 

As for what I did today, I'm sitting at my brother's shop after a good night's sleep in my own bed, I feel closer to normal than I have done in a while, we're all trying to come up with something to say at Dad's funeral, there's so much I could say that my mind is going blank.

Edited January 16, 2013 by WDeranged

[JFSOCC]

tried yes, succeeded no.

And having been stuck back home with my mother for over a year now, I can honestly say, yes, I do hate her. I've tried and tried and tried, but I've never actually gotten to the point where she treats me like an adult. I know I'm not exactly the model son, family black sheep and all that, but the constant disapproval is getting to me.

I'm smart goddamnit, I'm hard working, I'm sociable, polite, but somehow all she sees are my failings. So yeah, I blew today, after she told me how to use the microwave that we've had for 15 years and which *I* taught *HER* to operate. She just keeps piling on till I've had enough, and when I get angry I get verbally abusive, and then it's all my fault.

 

When I was 15, she kicked me out of the house for a few months, Back then, everyone kept telling me there are two people responsible for conflict. Everyone kept telling me it couldn't be just her.

 

But here I am, 26, back with my mother, and you know what I've learnt?

 

I was right the first time.

It IS not my fault. It's hers. it's ALL on her. So yes, Hate is a strong word. it's also accurate.

And until the day she starts treating me with respect, I will keep hating her. I'm so done with her meddlesome nature. The fact that it's always me who has to bear the brunt of her passive aggressive behaviour, because *SHE* can't ****ing learn to channel her frustrations and deal with them in psychologically healthy ways. I'm done.

She's the type who listens to psychologists, but only hears what she can accuse others of. I've seen decades of advice be filtered by her ears, anything pertaining to her will just not reach her.

People told her she might have ADHD as well (since that's you know, genetic) but no... "You got that from your father"

or "Even if I did have it, it's not affected me negatively, so why would I need to change anything" the amount of denial I have to deal with is so great, that for me it's insurmountable. I'm not a trained psychologist. But you simply cannot tell someone who won't ever listen. you can't help someone who won't be helped.

Edit: Also, she won't ever accept something if it comes from me. which just shows how little faith she has in me, she's completely dismissed me as credible source for anything.

Edited January 16, 2013 by JFSOCC

[WDeranged]

Sounds like you need to get out of there as fast as possible but I'm sure you know that, not much else I can say really, in my experience (and from what I've seen in others) parents start to respect you far more when you're off doing your own thing, some people just can't live under the same roof without running into eachother all the time

[JFSOCC]

Sounds like you need to get out of there as fast as possible but I'm sure you know that, not much else I can say really, in my experience (and from what I've seen in others) parents start to respect you far more when you're off doing your own thing, some people just can't live under the same roof without running into eachother all the time

pretty much this.

 

unfortunately, for social housing there are waiting lists of about 7 years (I've been on one for 1.5 years now) and for the private market rent is expensive because of the economic crisis, most people decided to rent as it is cheaper than buying. So, high demand, low supply, obvious results. I've been going to various appartments offered for over a year now, and either they are more expensive than advertised, or because of some arbitrary rules by the tax office, I wouldn't be able to get subsidies on them (putting them out of range of what I can afford)

And despite my best efforts, I'm starting to lose motivation to go looking. Not that my mother believes I'm trying hard enough. It's never enough, surely she would have found something by now... that's the implicit argument she's decidedly not saying.

I've been building a buffer though, so I have some money saved.

[Malcador]

snip

 

You could try telling her exactly how you feel, but maybe tell her how much you freaking hate the things that she does rather than that you hate her...it might seem impossible but I've solved quite a few impassable situations by choking down the shame and plainly saying how I feel.

 

It's important to remember that in her own twisted motherly way she thinks she's trying to help you with these suggestions

 

*edit*

 

As for what I did today, I'm sitting at my brother's shop after a good night's sleep in my own bed, I feel closer to normal than I have done in a while, we're all trying to come up with something to say at Dad's funeral, there's so much I could say that my mind is going blank.

 

Good advice, at the very least you'll have it out in a good fight and things calm down. Well works that way with my mom and I

[JFSOCC]

I'm happy I can vent here on the forums. that helps a great deal.

[BruceVC]

I'm happy I can vent here on the forums. that helps a great deal.

 

Venting always helps

[BMacklin]

Nothing of value did I do today.

[Calax]

*sigh* My mom calls to "check up on me" and gives me some good support, and when I tell her "I'll do my best" in reference to getting back into school (which she'd spent the entire conversation dancing around, and again trying to talk about how work shouldn't define me etc), she said "I've heard that before".

 

I promptly attacked her over the comment (which I felt was unnecessary, inflammitory, and relatively prejudice) and she acted like she'd just been saying the truth and that I was now sounding like my drama queen aunt (who's back hurt her so she couldn't go to NY but she could drive to Massachusets from Jersey)

[BruceVC]

*sigh* My mom calls to "check up on me" and gives me some good support, and when I tell her "I'll do my best" in reference to getting back into school (which she'd spent the entire conversation dancing around, and again trying to talk about how work shouldn't define me etc), she said "I've heard that before".

 

I promptly attacked her over the comment (which I felt was unnecessary, inflammitory, and relatively prejudice) and she acted like she'd just been saying the truth and that I was now sounding like my drama queen aunt (who's back hurt her so she couldn't go to NY but she could drive to Massachusets from Jersey)

 

To be honest from an outsiders perspective it sounds like your mom doesn't really respect your ability to make the right decision, there is no doubt that she loves you and cares but maybe you what you need to do is calmly tell that her general lack of confidence in you is both demeaning and inhibiting you from making the right decisions in life.

 

You need to make your own choices and if they are mistakes then they are your mistakes and you will deal with the consequences. But right now comments ikes "I've heard that before" are the last thing that you need to hear as you are clearly sensitive to this type of feedback

[Raithe]

Heh, now consider that I've pretty much spent the last 10 plus years living with my parents as the primary carer for my mother... There are times when I'm the one talking to them as if they're kids. Especially when mom tries to do stuff she really shouldn't due to physical limitations and potential danger. It's that whole "Mother, just what do you think you're doing?" tone of voice.

 

But at the same time, it gets flipped around and because I'm still living in "their" house, they can both act as if I never actually made it past 15. I mean, if I'm going out with friends I literally still get the barrage of questions of "Do you need a lift? Do you need money? What time will you be back? Where are you going?". And if she see's me going to walk the dogs whilst wearing ipod, I still get the whole style of "You be careful crossing roads wearing that, you won't hear things..."

 

At the heart of it, I know it's pretty much parental concern, so I generally try to just let it roll off my back with a bit of a shrug and eyes tilted heavenward. So yes, I do get the feeling that they're never going to think of me as "grown up" at times. But that's probably parents in general for you.

[Malcador]

Well, I don't feel too bad about arguing with my mom most of the time. She still treats me as a kid but for the most part it's just endless double checking of things done - like wiping the seal on the washer, locking up, paying bills on time. Although those are pretty handy, if annoying, at being a good checksum of my life.

[Gfted1]

Being a parent I can understand their position, you never stop worring about your child no matter the age. Hell, Ive installed an app on my daughters phone called "Friend Finder" which allows me to track her with my phone via GPS. Thats right, I want to know within 6 feet where my daugher is at all times. "YOURE A MONSTER GFTED1" you shout? Yes, yes I am.

 

And TBH, as long as all of you are living under your parents roof you should expect a bit of privacy invasion.