Lets Play From The Rear End of History We Shall Ride Forth

[Tigranes]

0. Prologue

 

Brian I, 1099-

1. Diplomacy is Best

2. Inter-Regional Diplomacy

[Tigranes]

On a dark and windy day, sometime in 2012...

 

{Screen flickers}

 

We won't survive like this, you know.

We will always survive.

It sure doesn't look like it. Look, we've lost everything we have-

We've got one. Matt-

Oh, please. If you really think those two can bail us out, then you've lost your touch.

No. We can do this. Trust me.

 

I just... I just can't believe this is all we have left. All that we have created. All that we have done. I know we made mistakes along the way, but-

Mistakes.

Yeah, mistakes. I mean, we didn't always do a perfect job, but-

There were no mistakes, my friend. None of this is a mistake.

What do you mean?

Remember...

 

Of course I remember. The fires. The despair when we heard-

Yes. And remember, still more.

 

Even before, yes... the forests, the animals. We built it all, we built it all with our hands. But-

The destruction of all that we have built was neither mistake nor circumstance. There are reasons, and the reasons have been kept from us.

[Tigranes]

Now you must know the reasons. You must understand what enemies we face, so that we may continue to survive. Go, and see what has transpired, and return.

 

Wait, what are you talking about? What, I- what's happening? Wha-

 

Where am I?

Our history, children, begin in the year 1099.

Who is that? Hello?

 

What is this? Is that me? That can't be me. What's happening? That looks like-

That is the year that the first Builder rose out of the depths, and forged an empire that would last centuries.

 

Wait... Brian? Is that you? Hey! Brian! It's me-

Brian the First, as you know, was reknowned for his smashing good looks.

[Tigranes]

He was neither a great warrior, nor particularly learned;

 

His talents lay more towards diplomacy, and mastery over the hearts of men.

He was always a good CEO, Brian. But...

 

We might almost call him a charismatic negotiator.

What the hell is this?

 

Fortunately, Brian the First possessed no physical defects...

 

And was regarded by many as a quick-witted fellow.

[Tigranes]

He did have a bit of an appetite, especially for potatoes cooked in vegetable oil...

 

But above all, he was well known for his gregarious nature.

How do they know all this? Who are they?

 

The lands he ruled were neither small nor large, amounting roughly to what Muslims called a Beylerbeylik, and the Christians Dukedom.

 

Well, children. Shall we recite the deeds of Brian the First, as is recorded in the history of the Builders?

Well I'll be.

 

 

P.S. The terrible, terrible photoshop filters will be used with discretion in future updates. Please don't kill me.

[Monte Carlo]

* pulls up chair* Are there tunnels?

[HoonDing]

 

Adam Jensen meets Bashar Assad.

[WorstUsernameEver]

Tigranes gone Prosper too? Ehr, no thanks.

[Nightshape]

Epic confuzzled.

[Tigranes]

Standard LP'ing will begin with the next update in a bit, as soon as I accrue enough screens. I don't have enough patience to do the C-grade hollywood for long.

[Tale]

I just want to know how you got that tag at the front of the title. It's wizardry!

[sorophx]

what's going on in this thread?.. :\

[Rosbjerg]

Interesting, you're good at this Tigs, so I'm looking forward to it Also because I suck at CK, so maybe I can get some tips.

 

I just want to know how you got that tag at the front of the title. It's wizardry!

 

Hah, yeah I was wondering that too, when you make a thread you check the "make tag as prefix"..

[Gorth]

It's "Life of Brian"!!!

[Tigranes]

1. Diplomacy is Best

July 1099 - December 1102

 

Hi. My name is Brian. I'm a Beylerbey. I'm 39 years old, I own quite a bit of land, and I'm especially good at diplomacy, which is the art of making people not hate you even though you do terrible things to them. Sadly, I don't really have many people in my realm to diplomatise, but I'm sure that will change.

Wait, why does he look like a Mongolian circus act now?

 

In fact, I have only two Beys, or Counts as the stupid Europeans call them, and one of them hates me because I'm Turkish and he's Levantine. With my great diplomatic expertise, I decide the best thing to do about this is wait for the bastard to die. He already looks eighty.

 

I'd like to be able to diplomatise more people, but this is made difficult by the fact that a lot of them are bigger and stronger than I am. The Seljuk Turks have split into the Sultanate of Rum, carved out of the Byzantine Empire after the Battle of Manzikert, and the rest of them in this big fat chunk of land to the East. Of course, notable is the rise of the Crusader Kingdoms after they succeeded in their little crusade; Christian kingdoms of Jerusalem, Edessa, Antioch and even Armenia surround my lands. This is a very recent development. In fact, it happened yesterday! Map fresh off the painter's room.

So... am I going to be listening to him talk for the next 30 years? Seriously?

 

This is my cabinet. My Grand Vizier, the other Bey that doesn't hate me so much, manages the diplomatic parts of government that are beneath my own diplomatic expertise. This generally involves circuitous legal arguments to show how someone else's lands should be mine and that I am perfectly justified in killing them all. It's very diplomatic. The other guys do stuff too, I think.

This is a bit different from Brian I've known, you know. He seems a bit more... unhinged. Although I guess there is that clown costume he used to wear...

 

Obviously, the military is an indispensable part of any diplomacy. From our lands in the Aleppo region, I can personally raise 3828 men, while my two Beys and lower vassals provide 1679. This disparity is very important, in case I need to diplomatise the Beys as well.

[Tigranes]

We are also big on technology. Personally, I'm very fond of Spiritual Art, and look to make great developments over the next few decades. I would die a happy Beylerbey if the Obsidianites were reknowned for advancements here.

Subtle.

 

But for now, we must look to more immediate concerns. As every good Muslim knows, the first step to a successful career is a wife. (The second step is a second wife.) We scour the lands for suitable ladyfolk..

 

Her name smells like tea (literally), she can count to thirteen, and she's twenty-three younger than I am. The pretty icons show that she is a spiritually oriented, diligent, humble and patient, but also cruel.

 

She's perfect.

 

We celebrated with wine and seven different types of jalapenos.

 

My nuptial pleasantries are interrupted by Muhammad Hazaraspid, who believes he is a superior marshal to Timariot Togay. I can't tell, since you both look exactly the same with that ridiculous headdress.

OK, look. I'm just going to zone out now. Somebody let me know when he's done talking about his sex life.

[Tigranes]

My second nuptial pleasantries are interrupted by a Jihad. Seriously, guys. I'm only up to one wife and you want me to come fight?

 

Godefroy has hardly donned his battle gear for the first Jihad when he's hit by a second one. He can probably understand how I feel with the two nuptial interruptions.

 

Oh, you want a real explanation? The first Jihad was by the Sunni Muslims, the second by the Shia. I guess it's a race, now. We're obviously on the Sunni camp, because that's where all the cool kids are at. You need to follow your market, kids.

 

Instead of joining the Jihad, I take a little while to stay at home, assess the situation, and do some uninterrupted nuptialising. Weed-smoking hippies roam the countryside talking about how they're going to stab everyone. See, the way Jihads work is that the greatest contributor to a Jihad wins the conquered lands for themselves. Except contribution is counted by how many men you lead to their deaths, and how much lands you conquer. As a smaller Beyerbey, I don't have enough men to lead to their deaths to begin wtih. Another reason is that really, as far as new lands go, Jerusalem isn't that high on my priority list.

 

It's kind of far away, you see. What I'd really like to do is conquer all the lands shown in green here, which would allow us to form the de jure Kingdom of Syria. This would give me an automatic promotion from Beylerbey to Sultan, chief benefit being I no longer have to call myself something as ridiculous as a Beylerbey. As you can see, the Beylerbeylik of Damascus currently controls half of those lands.

 

Beylerbey Duqaq rules Damascus, and is the primary target of my diplomacy. His grandfather was a Sultan, and he is a church-loving, zealous, just, kind and brave fellow. Given these characteristics, the first step in my diplomatic strategy is to call him Duqaq the Duck.

[Tigranes]

Curses! Duqaq the Duck is sieging Tripoli! He must know of my plans for the Kingdom of Syria, and not only that, his army is larger than mine. Something must be done.

 

When in trouble, I run away from my problems and find another source of expansion. We join the Sunni Jihad.

 

Our belated holy war is off to a great start! No sooner than the day after raising the levies, our forces report a great victory over two heathens that were asking around for some kebabs. We lost six men. They will be remembered as martyrs.

 

I personally lead the great army, consisting only of men from my demesne. I shall let no Bey usurp my path to first spot on the Jihad credits.

 

We march to the Northernmost reaches of the Kingdom of Jerusalem, and find it lightly defended. Only a truly heroic and talented Duke could prevent our men from overrunning the region...

[Tigranes]

Truly, Allah is Great.

 

It seems that while I've been nuptualing, the Kingdom of Jerusalem had folded faster than a company under French management. The Shias reach a peace agreement and conclude their Jihad. Sadly, because Sunni troops are currently occupying Jerusalem and everything North of it, the Shias mostly end up with desert. Told you we picked the right side.

 

Only a few days later we conclude our own Jihad; the Seljuks, as primary contributors, win the remaining lands. We get some high fives and Allah-bless-yous. Truly, there is no room for mid-sized enterprises in this market.

 

Nevertheless, I am now known to all as a Mujahid, the glorious vanquisher of Tancred the Incapable and his two angry heathens. I celebrate with a smashing red turban.

 

But nothing could be more important than the second step to orthodox Muslim glory: a second wife.

[Tigranes]

What the heck, let's take care of the third step, too. Halve the wedding costs!

 

Somehow, the Kingdom of Jerusalem retains the region of Irbid, previously the home of Tancred the Incapable. Approximately one year into his Kingship, Godefroy experiences what it feels like to have someone give you a pie, then take it away from you and leave only one corner of the crust.

 

I guess the Pope felt sorry for Godefroy.

 

But I don't, because he still retains the region of Tortosa, part of the Dukedom of Tripoli and of course the Kingdom of Syria. I wouldn't be a great diplomat if I didn't kick people while they were down.

 

Given that it took 6 of us to kill 2 of them last time, this seems like reasonable odds.

[Tigranes]

I see you understand the finer points of diplomacy, Godefroy.

 

Meanwhile, the Crusaders' strategy appears to be simple: every ****, Harry and Pope Urban will sail to Jerusalem, and kill three times their number in Muslims. They all died.

 

Then some more French landed. They all died too.

 

Those French just don't give up, do they?

 

In the North, the Crusader Kingdom of Edessa has been swallowed up by nearby Muslims, and Armenia and Antioch, the last independent Christians, are also under threat. I might need to go do some pre-emptive diplomatising, soon. But what I really need first, now that I have three wives, is a son. It's scandalous, I've been holding hands with all three of them for months now and none of them are pregnant!

Are we done yet with the rough and tumble?

[Tigranes]

Not now, Sally, I need to do some procreating.

Guess not.

 

Needed to hold more than hands, I guess. I think this one' s my third wife. Are you my third, Mahsa?

 

Looks like I need a new moderat- uh, steward.

 

So yes, this is a relatively straightforward LP where we shall take the custom-named Obsidianites through thick and thin, starting from 1099, the First Crusade. The fortunes of the Obsidianites will depend on the idiosyncracies of each leader, Brian included. I will explain game mechanics as we go, but you can ask too.

 

The meta-stuff was a late night lark, and will play some or little or no part depending on how we go. Mainly, I wanted a way to make each leader-character have a clear personality. I'd like the formatting to be less horribly ugly, but the new board system really sucks for proper fonts, colours, formatting, and having more than 5 pictures per post.

 

We are Muslim because the recent Sword of Islam DLC has some spiffy stuff, like polygamy, for them. Right now, though, it's prone to crashing, so hopefully this will keep going...

[Oner]

Wait, why does he look like a Mongolian circus act now?

Resembles a Turk or an Arabian more actually. O maybe a Hungarian. >.>

[Hurlshort]

Awesome.

 

Although Jalapenos are a new world crop, so you wouldn't see them for another 450 years or so.

[HoonDing]

 

Rum is an empire/kingdom/whatever I really could get behind.