What you've done today - There will be no dawn for Men

[Guard Dog]

I've been in a pretty dark place the past few days. The morning after Sunny's vet visit I woke up and just knew something was wrong. She never slept in the bed with me. She was allowed but preferred Tommy's orthopedic  doggie bed in the living room by the bay window.  That was where I found her. She passed away in her sleep. She was my best friend. I'll never forget her. 

I'm having a really hard time with this one. I know the realities of dogs and she has had health problems all her life. She was an adult when my ex-wife Stephanie and I found her snooping around the campground in Sugarloaf Key down in Florida. We were on our honeymoon. We were supposed to go scuba diving that day. But that morning Sunny befriended Tommy and we fed her. She was so skinny and desperately friendly. We took her to a local vet and had blood work, shots and exam. She was dehydrated and malnourished but otherwise in decent health. He thought she was around four years old but could have been as old as six. An hour later she had a bath, flea treatment, a collar, a name tag, and a whole new life. That was 2014. 

I never told you guys how my second marriage ended. I'll sum it up in one word: badly. My first marriage was like a bonfire. My fist wife... God I loved her. I would have done anything, said anything, paid any price to get past our problems. But like a bonfire as hot was it was it burned out slowly until there was just nothing left. I haven't spoken to my fist wife in thirteen years. She remarried a little while back. I truly hope she found the happiness she never did with me. But with Stephanie things were different. It felt more real. Not a bonfire but a hearthfire. Warm and sustainable and enduring. So I thought. It didn't burn out. A giant bucket of water was dumped on it. I woke up one morning thinking life was great. By sunset I knew it wasn't and never was. I cut off almost all contact with her. She tried to reach out to me so many times. In the weeks before the divorce I was polite but cold and curt to her. Since then I've said nothing at all and never responded when she tried to reach out to me. She has tried. as late as a year and a half ago. 

I have always been one to compartmentalize grief. I stack it all in a little room in my mind. Then lock the door and seal it off. Sometimes I anesthetized myself with bourbon to keep this little legion of sorrows from escaping their locked rooms. I told myself to focus all my energies on the positive things in life. My job. My business when I had one. My dogs always. I have none of those things now and I feel lost. Friday night in a moment of extreme weakness I sent Stephanie an e-mail telling her about Sunny. I rationalized it by telling myself Sunny was her dog too for a time and she deserved to know.  But, I know I was just looking for someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. That was probably the worst thing I would have done. Five minutes later I never wanted to un-send an e-mail so much in my life. She has not responded which is, undoubtedly, for the best. 

With Sunny's passing all the little griefs and sorrows have broken out of their little rooms and I'm finding I can't deal with them all at once. I am missing Sunny, Tommy, Bela, Stephanie (not the real person, the person I thought she was), the business I didn't want to sell, even the job I disliked but it gave me something to focus on. I am having trouble falling asleep. Then I have trouble staying asleep. But I also have trouble staying awake. I'm a grown man. I should be DOING something not sitting here in an empty house crying about what can't be changed. The script is written. The ink is dry. But I don't know WHAT to do. Nothing feels right. I have been sorely tempted to just kill the brain cells where all this negativity is stored with whiskey. But I know that would be the wrong thing to do. I finally admitted to myself two years ago that my self control when it comes to booze is not all it could be (to put it mildly) and swore off of it shortly after. 

My vet's office invited me to a "pet loss support group" that meets there semi-regularly. I don't think that's for me.  I don't think speaking to a therapist is something I'd want to do either.  I know what's bothering me. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. I wish I could just switch off all emotions. I wish I had the mental discipline not to dwell on how life might have been different.  Or the mistakes I've made. 

The sun came up this morning. It will come up again tomorrow no matter what. The world will keep turning no matter what I end up doing so all a man can do is turn with it.  There is a great old quote from Eupridies I've always liked: "This is courage in a man: to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends.”  I've found my courage in the past, I'll find it again. 

This got kind of long and rambling I guess. I almost deleted it twice. I'm sorry I'm letting my inner demons loose here like this but it was a little cathartic to write it all out. And I really don't have anyone else to talk to right now.  

Hurlshot, Gfted1, LC, I love you guys but more than that I have always been a little envious of your happy marriages and happy families. You guys are all very lucky. 

 

[Malcador]

Very sorry to hear that GD. 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Malcador

[Sarex]

Sorry for your loss GD.

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

Damn GD, sorry to hear about your pooch.

[Keyrock]

I'm so sorry to hear that, GD. Condolences.

[teknoman2]

Losing a pet is like losing a family member, its hard but all you can do is wait for the absence to become the new normal. Some suggest that you should get a new pet to fill the gap but i think that's the worst move. If you do that you see the new pet as just a substitute for the lost one and you can never love it properly. You should only get a new pet after the grief period is over and you have made peace with the loss.

[Hurlshort]

I am really sorry to hear about Sunny, GD. We are here for you. It may be a bit odd, but this message board is a family of sorts. I know the folks here got me through my issues with my parents pretty well. Anytime you need to shoot the ****, you know someone will be posting something worth arguing about.

[Amentep]

Sorry to hear of the loss of Sunny, GD. 

[Gorth]

Condolences @Guard Dog

Not sure if there is anything really appropriate to say or make things less painful. As @Hurlsnotsaid, in some ways, people here have been together for so long we might as well have been family (and been together than your average marriage I think). Let us know if anyone can do anything, either here or on private messages

 

Cheers Mate

 

[BruceVC]

14 hours ago, Guard Dog said:

I've been in a pretty dark place the past few days. The morning after Sunny's vet visit I woke up and just knew something was wrong. She never slept in the bed with me. She was allowed but preferred Tommy's orthopedic  doggie bed in the living room by the bay window.  That was where I found her. She passed away in her sleep. She was my best friend. I'll never forget her. 

I'm having a really hard time with this one. I know the realities of dogs and she has had health problems all her life. She was an adult when my ex-wife Stephanie and I found her snooping around the campground in Sugarloaf Key down in Florida. We were on our honeymoon. We were supposed to go scuba diving that day. But that morning Sunny befriended Tommy and we fed her. She was so skinny and desperately friendly. We took her to a local vet and had blood work, shots and exam. She was dehydrated and malnourished but otherwise in decent health. He thought she was around four years old but could have been as old as six. An hour later she had a bath, flea treatment, a collar, a name tag, and a whole new life. That was 2014. 

I never told you guys how my second marriage ended. I'll sum it up in one word: badly. My first marriage was like a bonfire. My fist wife... God I loved her. I would have done anything, said anything, paid any price to get past our problems. But like a bonfire as hot was it was it burned out slowly until there was just nothing left. I haven't spoken to my fist wife in thirteen years. She remarried a little while back. I truly hope she found the happiness she never did with me. But with Stephanie things were different. It felt more real. Not a bonfire but a hearthfire. Warm and sustainable and enduring. So I thought. It didn't burn out. A giant bucket of water was dumped on it. I woke up one morning thinking life was great. By sunset I knew it wasn't and never was. I cut off almost all contact with her. She tried to reach out to me so many times. In the weeks before the divorce I was polite but cold and curt to her. Since then I've said nothing at all and never responded when she tried to reach out to me. She has tried. as late as a year and a half ago. 

I have always been one to compartmentalize grief. I stack it all in a little room in my mind. Then lock the door and seal it off. Sometimes I anesthetized myself with bourbon to keep this little legion of sorrows from escaping their locked rooms. I told myself to focus all my energies on the positive things in life. My job. My business when I had one. My dogs always. I have none of those things now and I feel lost. Friday night in a moment of extreme weakness I sent Stephanie an e-mail telling her about Sunny. I rationalized it by telling myself Sunny was her dog too for a time and she deserved to know.  But, I know I was just looking for someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. That was probably the worst thing I would have done. Five minutes later I never wanted to un-send an e-mail so much in my life. She has not responded which is, undoubtedly, for the best. 

With Sunny's passing all the little griefs and sorrows have broken out of their little rooms and I'm finding I can't deal with them all at once. I am missing Sunny, Tommy, Bela, Stephanie (not the real person, the person I thought she was), the business I didn't want to sell, even the job I disliked but it gave me something to focus on. I am having trouble falling asleep. Then I have trouble staying asleep. But I also have trouble staying awake. I'm a grown man. I should be DOING something not sitting here in an empty house crying about what can't be changed. The script is written. The ink is dry. But I don't know WHAT to do. Nothing feels right. I have been sorely tempted to just kill the brain cells where all this negativity is stored with whiskey. But I know that would be the wrong thing to do. I finally admitted to myself two years ago that my self control when it comes to booze is not all it could be (to put it mildly) and swore off of it shortly after. 

My vet's office invited me to a "pet loss support group" that meets there semi-regularly. I don't think that's for me.  I don't think speaking to a therapist is something I'd want to do either.  I know what's bothering me. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. I wish I could just switch off all emotions. I wish I had the mental discipline not to dwell on how life might have been different.  Or the mistakes I've made. 

The sun came up this morning. It will come up again tomorrow no matter what. The world will keep turning no matter what I end up doing so all a man can do is turn with it.  There is a great old quote from Eupridies I've always liked: "This is courage in a man: to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends.”  I've found my courage in the past, I'll find it again. 

This got kind of long and rambling I guess. I almost deleted it twice. I'm sorry I'm letting my inner demons loose here like this but it was a little cathartic to write it all out. And I really don't have anyone else to talk to right now.  

Hurlshot, Gfted1, LC, I love you guys but more than that I have always been a little envious of your happy marriages and happy families. You guys are all very lucky. 

 

Thanks for sharing GD, sorry for your loss of a beloved pet. As mentioned by others many pets become like family members so any grief is not just real its to be expected

I think you being too hard on yourself and the reality of the  fact you single and the reasons for you being single, Stephanie had  an issue with being faithful...that was her issue and you shouldn't judge yourself on that

Marriage is an amazing way to have a relationship when it works, do you know how many people I know who are bitterly unhappy and married? I also have a long list of failed relationships and most of it is my fault but not all

But I realized something years ago for me, I would rather be  single and content than married or involved but be unhappy or do things that are wrong ....like cheating

Anyway I hope this post makes you feel better. But  you shouldnt be too hard on yourself ...I think you have done many things well and many things I personally admire. Your career and work ethos for example , you have achieved relative financial independence without family resources, that is always something I respect because having family resources makes many things easier. You also  did your military service which always matters in a country like the USA

You have put effort into supporting  retired veterans and you are a law abiding citizen who has never taken advantage of  state subsidies or government handouts, you have always worked and been independent. I consider you a success on many levels  but I am sorry for your loss of Sunny. 

[Guard Dog]

Thank you everyone. You guys are awesome. Going out of town for a little while. Just need to get away.

[LadyCrimson]

@Guard Dog  I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of Sunny. I know how much you loved her.  I was similarly lost when I lost my cat Misty and Mr. Black. Well, all of them really, but those two especially. Such moments in life can make one introspect about all kinds of things re: our lives and the paths we've walked.

I hope your trip is a healing one for you. Cyber-hugs.

[Chilloutman]

Hey GD, I know we are weird sort here but I always liked you and I know you are strong dude. I am sorry for your loss and I know I sound like a douche but you WILL get over it and find happines again. And I know me telling you this does not change much. Just don't close to the world and world will give you. Also I am not that type either and I prefer to deal with my emotions and deamons on my own but beer with friends always helps

[Chilloutman]

I am almost now ashamed to share this. But I didn't have good sleep past week, my hands looks like emo teenage girl with surplus of razors and my house smell like public toilets.

A)

Spoiler

I started doing heroin

B)

Spoiler

 

[Azdeus]

@Guard Dog I'm very sorry to hear about Sunny. Stay strong mate.

[Gfted1]

Aww, Is that a Labrador / Rottweiler mix?

[Chilloutman]

Lab with Bernese

[Malcador]

Answer is both A and B.

[Chilloutman]

11 hours ago, Malcador said:

Answer is both A and B.

 

[Hurlshort]

Yesterday my wife and I raced in the Santa Cruz 70.3 Ironman. I had done this race 3 years ago when I was still pretty new to triathlon, so I was interested to see how it would go. This was also my wife's first big triathlon. She had done a couple short ones, but the pandemic cancelled the races she was going to do to prepare for this one. So after 2 years of not racing, we were both excited and nervous to toe the starting line.

The swim was fantastic. Water temperature was 61 degrees, which is great for the ocean. It was a bit foggy, so you could really only see as far as the next buoy, but it is just around the Santa Cruz Pier, so there isn't any way to get lost. It was a washing machine the whole way, I was surrounded by other swimmer. But I felt good and swam pretty aggressively. I ended up shaving 2 minutes off my previous swim time for the 1.2 mile distance. This was the a part my wife was worried about. She is not a fan of ocean swimming. But she side stroked the whole time and got it done. I was so excited when I saw her later on the ride and knew she made it through the swim. 

The 56-mile bike was pretty tough. I got a triathlon bike this year, which is great for these races. But this is a hilly route up the coast on Highway 1 and the wind was not very favorable. I was a bit disappointed in my time, but it was still a couple minutes faster than before. Then the run was hard. I ended up 5 minutes slower than the previous race, with a half marathon of 2:04. I had been dealing with some injuries from running, so I hadn't trained as much as I wanted. The injuries didn't bother me, but I didn't have the legs for a better pace. 

I still finished 4 minutes faster than my first time, coming in at 5 hours and 51 minutes. It felt great to get it done. I threw up immediately afterwards, but was recovered enough to go cheer my wife on over her last half mile. She finished in 7 hours and 48 minutes.

 

Here is me trying to get my shoes on after the swim for the 1/2 mile run to transition.

Despite the extra 2 hours, my wife was way fresher at the end than I was.

 

[ShadySands]

Found out that my uncle (only one left on my mom's side) isn't doing so great and is likely heading to a hospice. He fell or something and went to the hospital last week and they're saying he had a stroke some time ago but nobody noticed because he's perma-drunk and always slurring.  Still curious as to what else happened since he was talking and feeding himself just a couple of days ago and now he's in a vegetative state.

[LadyCrimson]

My waist continues to shrink bit by bit, even tho the scale keeps saying I've hardly lost any weight. So weird. I can fit into some very old pants/shorts again. In another month or two maybe I'll fit into those zippered-leg snow/ski pants I wore that were a little loose when i was 13 (mid-20's they were slightly snug). Yes, that's right, I kept snowpants for 40 years. Only wore them a few times. Waste not!

[Chilloutman]

Yeah, I had to do something with my weight as well, thing is, I am pretty lazy  

[Amentep]

I have a 32 year old suit I bought, but even if I lost the weight to fit into it from the waistline size, it still wouldn't fit, thanks to a last minute growth spurt in my 20s changing my proportions (pants leg too high, sleeve too high and shoulders slightly larger the suit jacket).  I'm not actually sure why I still keep it.  Also, I need to get me a new suit jacket...

[Malcador]

I can still fit in my 16 year old suit, although the pants is beginning to, shall we say, experience structural stress when I wear it.  Clearly the fabric shrunk.  Somehow did manage to shed 10 lbs over the past 2 weeks, I guess cutting out bread helped.

Had two days off this week for appointments but the hospitals are having anti-vaccine passport/anti-vax/muh freedom wackos protest outside them so those got moved to phone ones, so hooray, can spend the days learning something.