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The Funny Things thread


LadyCrimson

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For the second book, my cat definitely thinks it's the latter. If I leave a room he's in I have to have either a spray bottle with water or a rolled up newspaper to ward him away from attacking my leg.

Edited by Agiel
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"All of life’s lessons come with a price…
We may learn a lesson, and things may get better in the end…
So that’s the trade off…life experience for exhaustion… wisdom for innocence.
There may be a happy ending to our stories…
but we paid for that with little pieces of our souls and we will never get those back."

-Austin Lunn

 

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Why has elegance found so little following? Elegance has the disadvantage that hard work is needed to achieve it and a good education to appreciate it. - Edsger Wybe Dijkstra

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I wish some one at Charter would call me names so I can get free cable/internet.

"Good thing I don't heal my characters or they'd be really hurt." Is not something I should ever be thinking.

 

I use blue text when I'm being sarcastic.

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The Toast - Empowered Female Heroine

 

 

 

A Day in the Life of an Empowered Female Heroine

 

She woke up like she did every day: slowly pulling her motorcycle helmet off, then shaking her head slowly back and forth to reveal a long, blonde ponytail. Everyone gasped. “That’s right,” she said, kicking the winning football goal before sliding into a sheer, sexy camisole under a blazer and playing as hard as she worked, “I’ve been a girl this whole time.” One of the guys, the real sexy one, shook his head in slow motion, as if to say “wh-wh-wh-whaaat?” You know the kind. His mouth was kind of open while he did it. He was totally blown away.

She walked off the field, and she knew everyone was looking at her butt, and she totally loved it. “Sorry, boys,” she called out over her super-sexy shoulder. She always called men boys, because she knew what gender was. Now she was carrying a briefcase and wearing a pencil skirt and sex glasses. She was at law.

“Your Honor,” she said, and the Honor paid attention, “I’d like to win this case,” and she totally did, she totally beat that busted-looking male lawyer who had the mushy face and wore suits that didn’t fit. She gave a little fist-pump, because even though she’s tough, she’s still relatable. “Girl power,” she said, high-fiving her curly-haired friend, who had just appeared behind her.

“Girl, you need a drink,” her curly-haired friend said, “and I need a man.” She laughed because her curly-haired friend didn’t really get it yet, but she was getting there.

***

She strolled up to the bar and planted a firm-yet-sexy pump-encased foot down on the rail. The bartender looked at her and started pulling out little frilly umbrellas and Malibu and speared slices of pineapple to make some kind of girl drink, but she held up her hand. “A whiskey,” she said, her voice low in her throat. “Neat.”

Behind her the pool table exploded. Every man in the bar immediately grew a beard. The jukebox made a record-scratching sound, even though it was an mp3-playing jukebox.

Her lawyer partner was there too. “Buy you a drink?” he asked.

“I can’t be bought,” she said. Later, after they did it, she slipped out of bed and briskly put on her clothes.

“You’re leaving?” he asked, full of feelings.

“Sorry, babe,” she said, turning to leave. “You knew what this was.” She threw a thong at him, to remember her by. It was totally awesome, the way he wanted to be her boyfriend but she was too busy and cool to care. “Thanks for all the doing it. But I have to go win a karate tournament.”

***

“Yeah, I get it,” she said. “Like a contest. Like a boys against the girls thing.”

“Not exactly…there’s no reason to make this a conte–“

“Like a contest,” she said firmly. “Girls versus guys. Prove once and for all who’s really the toughest.”

“I don’t see what this has to do with toughness,” he began.

“The girls are totally going to win,” she said, “You’re a bunch of sexists.” She could win at everything. She could change a tire and dance in a ballgown in the same ten minutes. Maybe with a little streak of grease over her cheekbone, to remind you that she was tough and beautiful, and also to remind you how good her cheekbones were. Now she was wearing a pretty dress but combat boots underneath it, and she also had a gun, to fight sexism. She looked so good. She kicked a guy in the face, and she didn’t even care.

“Feminism,” she said to herself, and then put on some red lipstick. “Just because I’m a feminist doesn’t mean I don’t like to look good.” Then she kicked another guy through a window, and he fell all the way. He was probably dead. She had like four guns strapped right on her boobs.

***

“I’m sorry, Miss, but we really do have to go–“

“It’s Doctor, actually,” she smirked. The guys were totally shocked. They’d been talking about the doctor they were supposed to meet like it was some old guy, but it was her the whole time. “According to this scroll, all the prophecies are going to explode,” she explained. “Let me run some tests in my hacking lab. I’m a very important scientist.” She had so many abs, too. So many abs.

“I can hold my own in the bedroom and the boardroom,” she said to no one, and to everyone. “You should never underestimate me.” She took off her blonde ponytail and shook her hair loose; there was another blonde ponytail underneath it.

 

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"Cuius testiculos habeas, habeas cardia et cerebellum."

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I've yet to hear an explanation of pan-sexuality that doesn't sound like complete bull****.

probably means a person who will have sex with everything that can be defined as a living being regardles of age, gender or species

The words freedom and liberty, are diminishing the true meaning of the abstract concept they try to explain. The true nature of freedom is such, that the human mind is unable to comprehend it, so we make a cage and name it freedom in order to give a tangible meaning to what we dont understand, just as our ancestors made gods like Thor or Zeus to explain thunder.

 

-Teknoman2-

What? You thought it was a quote from some well known wise guy from the past?

 

Stupidity leads to willful ignorance - willful ignorance leads to hope - hope leads to sex - and that is how a new generation of fools is born!


We are hardcore role players... When we go to bed with a girl, we roll a D20 to see if we hit the target and a D6 to see how much penetration damage we did.

 

Modern democracy is: the sheep voting for which dog will be the shepherd's right hand.

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