Reconciling different perspectives on grieving

[alanschu]

So my grandma passed away a few hours ago.  Which certainly sucks, but for the most part it was time.  She was 97 years old, and was of ill health the past few years and actually had pneumonia when she passed, so she's moved on.

 

I shared a post on Facebook (and on Twitter) wishing her well and thanking her for the positive influences she has had on my life and my family, and that I'll always remember the apple treats.

 

 

I later get a message from my aunt, asking me to remove the post.  I asked why, and she said that Facebook is a public place and inappropriate, and that family is still grieving.

 

I responded by saying that she has basically told me that I am not allowed to grieve in my own way, which is something that I personally found very hurtful in a situation that I, for the most part, wasn't really feeling any genuine pain.  All the while, her whole family has changed their profile pictures to ones of her and my grandmother, so in my mind it doesn't really seem like an epic secret.

 

I deleted the post still (a bit of me regrets that, but whatever I'm not interested in fighting this and I can appreciate that my aunt is probably a bit more emotionally shaken than I am), but how does one reconcile two VERY different methods of grieving that appear to be mutually exclusive?

[Rosbjerg]

People get really irrational when it comes to emotional pain.. My family basically split in 2 when my dad died and even though it's over 16 years ago, some still won't talk to each other.

 

I guess for people like this, they project their pain out onto the world and try to keep their surroundings in place, so they don't have to deal with their internal emotional chaos - until they are ready to deal with it.. How does one reconcile it? As always, with communication, respect, listening (as in really listen). Talk to your aunt, explain to her how you felt, but hear her story too. She most likely just wants to be understood, she wants an outlet for her pain, give her a good one.

 

And take your ego out of it - she's not lashing out at you - she's responding to your actions. Her anger does not reflect back on you as a person.

[Guard Dog]

My condolences Alan. Grieving is an entirely personal process that everyone will do in their own way. I don't find your facebook tribute at all impersonal or inappropriate. Nonetheless removing it because your aunt asked you to was the right thing to do. I think Ros had a good point in his post.

[Monte Carlo]

Families. Funny old things. You did the right thing by sucking it up.

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

I deleted the post still (a bit of me regrets that, but whatever I'm not interested in fighting this and I can appreciate that my aunt is probably a bit more emotionally shaken than I am), but how does one reconcile two VERY different methods of grieving that appear to be mutually exclusive?

Thick skin and alcohol. When my grandmother passed, several members of my family rabidly attacked each other for grieving "the wrong way". I just ignored them, grieved the way I felt was appropriate, and consumed large amounts of liquor. Then again, I don't get along well with the majority of my extended family, most of which only bother calling when someone dies or they need money.

[Labadal]

My grandma passed away earlier this year and there were people that put up messages about it on Facebook shortly after and it made me unhappy. I didn't ask anybody to remove their posts, but I knew that that's how some of the family would know of her death. Not the best way to learn about a beloved ones death. We were making calls to close ones to tell them personally, we didn't think it was something you shared on social media so fast.

 

That's basically my only argument against posting something like that on social media.

[Malcador]

Well that problem is one that has to be done on a case by case basis. The photo changing is a subtle way of honouring the dead person as some random internet contact won't immediately know what is up, as opposed to an actual text post to that fact. I get both approaches.

 

Grieving is a problem for me mainly as I have trouble actually doing it.

[Walsingham]

I can understand that you would want to make a publicly visible statement. After all, isn't that what a gravestone is?

 

But then equally I know how your aunt feels, wanting it to be personal and private. When my godfather died the only person I felt able to talk to was his nurse. Everyone else at the funeral and wake seemed only half-interested (to me at the time). I became furious and wanted to drive anyone tangential away, with firecrackers or sticks.

 

Grief is immensely personal. I'm interested and impressed to see that almost everyone here is saying you have to take each instance on its merits. But I also agree that you did the right thing by accomodating your aunt's feelings.

 

EDIT: To directly answer your question, I'd suggest that the old 'Irish' approach of getting steaming drunk and staying up all night is a good process for accomodating wildly different views. It's what I did when my mum died.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Walsingham

[Volourn]

People who demand others grieve in a certain way or the same exact way they do are pieces of crap who have no empathy (yes, I'm a ware of the irony here) and deserve no respect. I loathe anyone who would try to tell me how I should grieve.

 

Condolsesnces for your loss.

[alanschu]

I let her know that it was my way of grieving, but I do understand that while I lost a grandmother, she lost a mother, and I figured some level of "we're communicating this out" was probably there.

 

I lost my brother when I was 13, and can definitely understand emotions run high.  She actually called me up and asked me to be a paul bearer, and I accepted.  In the end I was willing to defer because it's not worth making a big stink over and it was a simple enough gesture.  I had actually tweeted something similar, and I did keep that up (since I have no family that follows me on twitter) and it was pleasant to see the support.

 

In general, I have taken the event pretty positively (as much as one can).  On some level I had already started to emotionally disengage with my grandma somewhat, knowing that for the past year it was pretty much "any day could be her last."  Dozens and dozens and dozens of positive memories, however, and it was a treat to have her in my life and to share a lot of my achievements with her growing up!

 

Thanks guys!

[Malcador]

Another reason to avoid social networking.

[ShadySands]

Sorry for your loss

 

You are a better man than me because I wouldn't have taken it down as you were honoring her in your own way. It's big of you to have accommodated your aunt's request but it was wrong of her to ask you to do so

 

I had a situation similar to Ros in when my mom died our family split and a lot of us still don't speak to each other. But perhaps if we had been more willing to bend as you did then maybe we could have remained close

[Gfted1]

Condolences Alan.

[LadyCrimson]

Don't really have any advice, but I'm sorry for your loss, Alan. 

['GM']

So my grandma passed away a few hours ago.  Which certainly sucks, but for the most part it was time.  She was 97 years old, and was of ill health the past few years and actually had pneumonia when she passed, so she's moved on.

 

I shared a post on Facebook (and on Twitter) wishing her well and thanking her for the positive influences she has had on my life and my family, and that I'll always remember the apple treats.

 

 

I later get a message from my aunt, asking me to remove the post.  I asked why, and she said that Facebook is a public place and inappropriate, and that family is still grieving.

 

I responded by saying that she has basically told me that I am not allowed to grieve in my own way, which is something that I personally found very hurtful in a situation that I, for the most part, wasn't really feeling any genuine pain.  All the while, her whole family has changed their profile pictures to ones of her and my grandmother, so in my mind it doesn't really seem like an epic secret.

 

I deleted the post still (a bit of me regrets that, but whatever I'm not interested in fighting this and I can appreciate that my aunt is probably a bit more emotionally shaken than I am), but how does one reconcile two VERY different methods of grieving that appear to be mutually exclusive?

I think you handled it beautifully, with grace. That speaks volumes for your character.

 

I also lost my grandma this year and know that we each have our own way to grieve. But I'm extremely sentimental anyway... (I still miss my old dog, and he's been gone for nearly 5 years now. ) I'd give you a hug if I could.

[Hurlshort]

My condolences Alan, it sounds like you handled it well with the Aunt.  

[Oerwinde]

I let her know that it was my way of grieving, but I do understand that while I lost a grandmother, she lost a mother, and I figured some level of "we're communicating this out" was probably there.

 

I lost my brother when I was 13, and can definitely understand emotions run high.  She actually called me up and asked me to be a paul bearer, and I accepted.  In the end I was willing to defer because it's not worth making a big stink over and it was a simple enough gesture.  I had actually tweeted something similar, and I did keep that up (since I have no family that follows me on twitter) and it was pleasant to see the support.

 

In general, I have taken the event pretty positively (as much as one can).  On some level I had already started to emotionally disengage with my grandma somewhat, knowing that for the past year it was pretty much "any day could be her last."  Dozens and dozens and dozens of positive memories, however, and it was a treat to have her in my life and to share a lot of my achievements with her growing up!

 

 

Thanks guys!

 

When I lost my grandfather to lung cancer it had been a long drawn out thing, so when he went, while I was very sad, I was comforted by the fact that he wasn't suffering anymore, so I didn't really show anything outwardly and got some criticism for it. What really sucked is that I was trying to move past it and everyone's constant sympathies kept bringing it back up and it just made me angry with everyone for showing they cared for my feelings, which just made me feel like a ****.

[Lexx]

It's funny / interesting, whenever anything bad happens, I find myself making jokes about it. I don't exactly know why, but it's always my first reaction. It's Apparently how I deal with such situations. Seems as if I am full with black humor.

[alanschu]

I'm actually more of a joker too.  Heck, my own Dad and Cousin were making bad puns at my brother's funeral.  We laughed

 

 

Sometimes some silly levity is needed.

[Walsingham]

Aren't there supposed to be five stages of grief? Denial, anger, grief <sic>, bargaining, kraft cheese slices? Or something?

 

Logically one would expect our culture/s to support all five stages. But we only really do one.

 

Personally I'd be interested in inventing novel cultural events for the other four.

[Rosbjerg]

I'd be interested in reading that - do other cultures handle grief differently. Western culture is very scared of death, so probably.

 

And I agree Alan, humor is imo the greatest way. I've always felt mourning was essentially a very lonely experience, where celebration and humor made the whole process social allowing one to deal with the pain by sharing it through laughter.

[Walsingham]

I just checked:

 

- Denial

- Anger

- Bargaining

- Depression

- Acceptance

 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

 

 

You could have some awesome death-type social gatherings using that lot. I'd definitely be up for an anger party, where you burned effigies of cancer or the NHS or something.

 

Or you could have an auction to 'bring them back'. Proceeds to a charity.

[LadyCrimson]

My main method of dealing with grief goes something like this:

 

Cry non-stop for a week

Sleep non-stop for a week

 

I don't actually talk much...altho I did used to write a lot, but I don't do that anymore either. Eventually I stop crying and sleeping and life goes on again. I think for many it's less a fear of death itself and more a fear of being alone/left behind. Watching my mother after my father died ... the being alone part was the hardest thing for her, despite being surrounded by family and friends. Still is.

[Humanoid]

It makes me wonder how I'd deal with serious grief. I'm lucky enough to not have yet lost anyone particularly close: three of my grandparents I'd lost before I turned eight, so I never really knew them; and though the last, who was overseas, passed away when I was in my mid-twenties, I hadn't seen her since my early teens.

 

I do get sentimental over some trivial stuff though, so it's a worry.

[Gfted1]

I'm actually more of a joker too.  Heck, my own Dad and Cousin were making bad puns at my brother's funeral.  We laughed

 

 

Sometimes some silly levity is needed.

 

If you don't mind, what happened to your brother?