Friggin family.

[Calax]

Ok, I've applied to a College in Iowa state as a physics major (haven't heard back), meaning that (among other things) I'll have to drive half way across the US to get to the school. Got a couple of friends out there (went there a few weeks back, tore up my throat and chipped a tooth four wheeling, got the thing buried in 4 feet of clay too), and was planning (under the assumption that I'd get in) that I'd transfer from gamestop to gamestop, and work the seasonal. My first year would be only taking quarter time (4 credits) while earning residency.

 

Today I got told by my parents "You have to have a 20 hr a week job during the summer!", currently I've got MAYBE 4 hrs a week because I'm lowest on the totem pole in terms of rankings (GameAdvisor, your basic rank and file gamestop worker). I'm gonna ask for more hours and some training so that I might be able to x-fer as an SGA (shift leader) and have guaranteed more hours while there. But if I do ask for this it's gonna mean that I'm not gonna have the job hours I'm practically being ordered to have. I'm hesitant to do summer school because I don't want to have another reunion type thing (grandparents 60th anniversary) where I fly out (last time to vegas) for a total of a day, after having class in the morning, then flying back (basically fly friday and sunday) particularly across the US (family in NY this time).

 

And now the land of ultimate bitching. Currently I'm not talking to my brother, as he threatened to kill me after I told him to show me the same respect he expected me to show him, or I'd probably end up in a fist fight with him (the words he used were "and you'll end up in the back yard with a snapped neck"). And I'm approaching that point with my mother, as within the past week, she's triggered one fight, and was spoiling for another one tonight. The previous fight was over the fact that she thought she could override anything I chose to do because technically everything here is purchased by her (true), and I had gotten pissed off she erased something I was gonna watch, and simply said I'd probably be doing the same. Fight ensued, one point I brought up was that she assumed that if she put ANY money into anything in my life, she owned that particular instrument, as evidenced by the fact that if she paid a bit towards repairing my motherboard earlier this year, she'd own the computer as a whole and would be able to lock me out of it if she wished. She said that this was irrelevant as without the motherboard the computer doesn't work, well great, without the power cable the TV doesn't work, does that mean for 5 bucks I can own the tv? (of course not).

 

Anyway, after that fight I had both parents come up and accuse me of not taking my bipolar medications because I was OBVIOUSLY at fault and irritable which ended up leading to the fight. Even though I wasn't the first one to raise my voice during the conversation. Sometimes it seems like I'm expected to just roll over and do what they want no matter what, and then turn around and tell me (not one sentance later) that I should stand up for myself. FFS pick one and go with it, either control my life and be honest about it, rather than this whole shock collar thing, or let me bloody well make my own choices and don't order me to do stuff if I'm able to do stuff. I ended up writing most of this stuff in a letter (well, most of the stuff brought up in the first argument) and finally got her to take some responsibility for starting the fight, but tonight she started it again and only got called off after a phone call.

 

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm leaving and they want that last bit of domination of facets of my life before I go. But it seems like since I applied they've become very much the control freaks. Ok, my mom was always a control freak, but she tends to keep it under control (HA Ha ha... I kill me). But it's been getting back to the point of "Didn't see it, it didn't happen" in terms of homework, research on school, anything. I'm being accused of not putting in enough work to go to school (And I'm supposed to find a job in Iowa how? OH you want me to get a job that will expect me to stay for the holidays when I'd probably be taking off in august? Yes, I'd feel perfectly fine doing that, and you somehow expect me to be able to get out there with having worked that job, and being trained and INSTANTLY get to the top of the hiring pile and get hired lickety split... riiiight...). I don't want to be doing two jobs again as 6 days a week is murder on me.

 

*sigh* I'm so tired of being told that I can do anything. That if I just try hard enough I'd find a job that'd make me happy. That I'll be happier with a job... I have a job currently that I'm mostly happy with, I want more hours, but other than that it's ok. I don't want to go back and be a miserable drone expected to have a friggin clowns smile for 8 hrs while doing a total of two things for 8 hrs straight and then get yelled at when I don't show enthusiasm for monotony. I did that for two years an all it got me was a miniscule paycheck and so tired from being yelled at all day because some numbskull on the grill put THESE onions instead of THOSE onions on their burger, that I didn't go out at all, and was in general snarky as heck.

 

I don't like getting yelled at for saying "I don't want to". I don't like getting yelled at because I try to stand up for myself to my family... I don't like being told that I'm not worth of respect. I don't like being told that I think I'm more important than I am in this family. I HATE being told that I'll never amount to anything if I think to far ahead and don't want to start anything that I consider short term in terms of relationships or jobs.

 

...

 

*sigh* sorry for the /wrists emo rant.... just needed to put it somewhere that people can see and ignore.

[Hurlshort]

4 hours a week isn't really a job. Is that one half shift a week?

 

Sorry you are having family problems. I'd say you are best off saying yes ma'am and yes sir until you ship out, it's a relatively short period of time and it will be best in the long run. Good luck.

[Gorth]

*sigh* sorry for the /wrists emo rant.... just needed to put it somewhere that people can see and ignore.

Who needs TV when you've got the internets? >_

 

Sounds like you really need to get away from home for a while. Study, education, work anything that takes you elsewhere and gives your a feeling of more control over your own life.

[Rosbjerg]

Yep, you've reached that magic time when you finally realize how pushy your parents are and want to leave.. they've actually been like this always, only now you notice.

 

Pack your things, tell them to stuff it - and head out into the world.. your dad will most likely be happy for you and proud - your mom will start complaining that she never sees you.

[Walsingham]

It's got suck having people use the excuse of being on meds to blame you for being pissed at them.

 

I'm not sure how smart this is as a suggestion, but consider doing something for cash which involves

 

a) getting out of the house

b) being your own boss

c) is self-organised

 

Doing yard work in summer could be good. Likewise collecting junk and recycling/reselling it.

 

Just a thought.

[Gorgon]

Walk the earth, get into adventures, you know like Caine in Kung Fu.

[Calax]

As I mentioned, I'm probably going to head to Iowa in the fall... and from that point on I'm gonna stay at least 1k miles from where they live...

[Orogun01]

As I mentioned, I'm probably going to head to Iowa in the fall... and from that point on I'm gonna stay at least 1k miles from where they live...

You are the second person I know of that has that same problem. Hulrshot's advice is what I said to the first one: bear with it for a while longer, avoid them and conflict as much as possible. Basically just drag it all until you leave.

[Hurlshort]

There is going to be a time in your life when you will need your family, so be careful not to burn bridges. There are a lot of cliches regarding family for a reason.

[Orogun01]

There is going to be a time in your life when you will need your family, so be careful not to burn bridges. There are a lot of cliches regarding family for a reason.

I also believe that but there are families and then there are families

[Monte Carlo]

Walk the earth, get into adventures, you know like Caine in Kung Fu.

 

I was going to compose a lengthy reply based on the collective wisdom of my four-and-a-bit decades of life. Then I read this post and realised that you're not going to get any better advice than this.

[Calax]

There is going to be a time in your life when you will need your family, so be careful not to burn bridges. There are a lot of cliches regarding family for a reason.

I don't intend to burn bridges, at all. I just don't want to be around them for quite a long while

 

Walk the earth, get into adventures, you know like Caine in Kung Fu.

 

I was going to compose a lengthy reply based on the collective wisdom of my four-and-a-bit decades of life. Then I read this post and realised that you're not going to get any better advice than this.

Well, one of the things I was thinking of doing while at Iowa was doing foreign exchange type deal in England and possibly a few others. It'd break my bank, but hell, it'd be worth it.

[Monte Carlo]

I am an Englishman. Do a long weekend in London then go to Italy instead.

[Walsingham]

You should totally come to England. You can be my cleaner, and I can lie about you being a legal immigrant*. Then we can drink ale. And eat curry. Hurrah!

 

 

 

*Obscure British politics joke.

[Oner]

Calax is living my life. In America. o.O

[Calax]

You should totally come to England. You can be my cleaner, and I can lie about you being a legal immigrant*. Then we can drink ale. And eat curry. Hurrah!

 

 

 

*Obscure British politics joke.

have a hot daughter I could wed instead?

[Walsingham]

You should totally come to England. You can be my cleaner, and I can lie about you being a legal immigrant*. Then we can drink ale. And eat curry. Hurrah!

 

 

 

*Obscure British politics joke.

have a hot daughter I could wed instead?

Nope. But I'm sure we could hook you up with SOMEBODY. Assuming you don't mind older left-wing ladies who drink beer.

 

Actually, I don't know why I'm trying to palm them off on you. Scratch that, YOU can come here and save ME from myself.

[Volourn]

"There is going to be a time in your life when you will need your family, so be careful not to burn bridges. There are a lot of cliches regarding family for a reason."

 

Nonsense. Some family 'bridges' deserve to be burned. it sounds to me his family (most notyeably is mother and brother) are scumbags. If anyone in my family had threatenined to kill me ever that be one bridge I'd brun without a moment's hesitation as he should. I don't care how nagry one is they should never threaten to kill someone in a serious manner.

 

As for the mom, the best thing there is for him to move out ASAP. It's best for them both. She obviousily fears his growing independence so she uses money to keep as much control as possible.

 

Thankfully, my parents are cool dudes and while there was a time where it was time to go it was on good terms. And, my siblings no matter how angry we've gotten with each other, have never used to threads of murder. Anyone who does is worth crap.

 

Family is more than blood. Blood just gets you an in; but doesn't make one family.

[Krookie]

Calax, I know you aren't dumb enough to take relationship advice from Volourn, but just in case, don't burn any bridges. 10 years from now you might need a kidney, or something.

[GreasyDogMeat]

You make a fairly convincing argument in your post... have you tried confronting your family with it?

[~Di]

*hug*

 

Because I think you really, really need one.

[Walsingham]

I've more or less quit on my family. Friends are far nicer, more loyal, and more reliable. Seriously. Families are SO hunter-gatherer.

[Hurlshort]

"There is going to be a time in your life when you will need your family, so be careful not to burn bridges. There are a lot of cliches regarding family for a reason."

 

Nonsense. Some family 'bridges' deserve to be burned. it sounds to me his family (most notyeably is mother and brother) are scumbags. If anyone in my family had threatenined to kill me ever that be one bridge I'd brun without a moment's hesitation as he should. I don't care how nagry one is they should never threaten to kill someone in a serious manner.

 

As for the mom, the best thing there is for him to move out ASAP. It's best for them both. She obviousily fears his growing independence so she uses money to keep as much control as possible.

 

Thankfully, my parents are cool dudes and while there was a time where it was time to go it was on good terms. And, my siblings no matter how angry we've gotten with each other, have never used to threads of murder. Anyone who does is worth crap.

 

Family is more than blood. Blood just gets you an in; but doesn't make one family.

 

I'm here for you if you need to talk buddy. I know you don't like using PM's, but if you need a friend, just let me know. Life doesn't have to be this hard.

[Calax]

Calax, I know you aren't dumb enough to take relationship advice from Volourn, but just in case, don't burn any bridges. 10 years from now you might need a kidney, or something.

Eh, honestly if I have to go to him for ANYTHING he'd lord it over me. He takes advantage of anything he can, and will outright extort me for stuff (or he used to, until I basically stopped talking to him all together and will do whatever I can to not see him...)

 

You make a fairly convincing argument in your post... have you tried confronting your family with it?

Yes and no. I've had an on and off psychologist who I saw and would bring this stuff up with them. But usually what ends up happening is that they either only listen to the psych (who tends to make things seem a lot less controlling) or the argument ends up getting dragged out. We made an agreement that things brought up there wouldn't be used at home (effectively creating a sort of moderated safe zone) but, of course, my mom ended up breaking that a number of times when my dad effectively "reported" what was said in the session while she was at work, some of which was directed at her and she took as if I'd shot a puppy and started coming after me.

 

And as I mentioned before, in the OP (I think I mentioned it anyway) I had to start writing letters that I'd leave around the house to get any form of conversation beyond "I'm the boss, if you don't like how I told you to live, get out." about this sort of thing. All of us consciously want me to get out, but it seems like every step I take to getting out, is met with a step to keep me here, or otherwise make my life hell. Hell, I was looking at two schools for where I'd go and literally decided against one because I didn't want to be near family of any kind (3 of my dads 7 close family members live in Tuscon and surrounding area, with the other college I was looking at being U of A), to prevent them from coming to see me using the family as an excuse.

 

My mom has always been the domineering type, she is currently teaching which I think gives her some outlet (as in: she lets up on me because she holds the academic lives of about 100 students in her hands), but more and more it's seeming like anytime I show my face, I get yelled at about SOMETHING, which leads to me showing my face less and less (at this point, I'm basically in my room except for school, some console gaming when the family isn't home, food and work) which turns it into a bit of a vicious cycle.

 

Both my parents seem to think "It worked for us, you can do it too!" particularly my dad. He admits it took him two goes at college to actually get a degree... and tells me stories about how at 12 he was delivering newspapers, and then he left his house at 19 for school, then worked as in drywall, on a oil rig up in alaska (nearly loosing his hand), he chased chickens for a job, and basically did anything that came his way because dammit he was independent. Of course, his cost of living wasn't nearly as high as current (I live in the RICH suburb of sac... within 5 miles of my house there are multimillion dollar homes), and he didn't exactly have bipolar, ADD, Asbergers (no confirmation on that yet... I REALLY don't wanna have ANOTHER diagnosis >.<, and my mom at one point said "you people" in reference as if I was a friggin minority), got kicked out of the navy for at least 2 of those, have had 2 incidents of near suicide... Hell, when my computer broke I had to practically have an emotional breakdown before they did ANYTHING to help me with it. The only way I stayed sane during that period was using web based IM systems on my moms laptop, as well as watching anime on there and playing my ps3/xbox360 like a nutcase.

 

Even though I'm medicated right now I think I'm at the nadir of my bipolar cycle (if you wanna call it that), which is usually what leads me into the depressions. I'm praying to god I can salvage one of my grades (philosophy, where i didn't really do most of the initial homework, but am working on the "big" projects). The other three seem to be going well, My anthropology class is actually getting more difficult (I learned most of the early stuff by watching and laughing at the critical analysis videos by ExtantDodo on youtube about the creationism v evolution stuff), and my mathclass I'm doing ok in, but the teacher is horrible (never budgeting enough time, our last three classes have started 10-15 minutes late, it's 5 units technically, and the teachers idea of explaining a concept/teaching a formula is to derive the formula then give us class work to do saying "use the formula" without really showing HOW to use the formula... most of the students are learning simply by staring at the bloody book. The only other class I'm taking is History 313 (US from 1860-1950) where the teacher only has a total of 3 assignments and bases your grade on how much you've improved on writing his papers over the semester, but he teaches friggin awesome information (like the highway everyone uses this side of the American River (Hwy 50) was originally gonna be the transcontinental railroad until they found the route that is currently I-80).

 

And it probably doesn't help that all this garbage is happening within 16 days of my birthday.

[Killian Kalthorne]

As I mentioned, I'm probably going to head to Iowa in the fall... and from that point on I'm gonna stay at least 1k miles from where they live...

 

If you ever head into Ames, drop me a line.

 

The only family I got along with on any real level is my mom. That is it. Also, forget about birthdays. I stop celebrating them or even acknowledging them since I was 14. In the end the only person you have to live with is yourself. DO what makes you happy, do what will allow you to survive.