What you did today

[Hurlshort]

This girl was sizing you up as relationship material, and you failed pretty horribly.  I mean, you are shallow, that is hard to get around.  She picked up on it quickly and that is probably for the best.  I could try to explain it to you, but it would be easier if you just went and watched Shallow Hal.

 

 

Why don't you answer the question she asked?  If she was overweight, would you still have been able to connect with her like you did?  It sounds like the answer is no, which is unfortunate for you.  

[BruceVC]

This girl was sizing you up as relationship material, and you failed pretty horribly.  I mean, you are shallow, that is hard to get around.  She picked up on it quickly and that is probably for the best.  I could try to explain it to you, but it would be easier if you just went and watched Shallow Hal.

 

 

Why don't you answer the question she asked?  If she was overweight, would you still have been able to connect with her like you did?  It sounds like the answer is no, which is unfortunate for you.  

Thanks for response I was looking for this type of honesty. No I wouldnt have been able to connect with her if she was overweight ...but why does this make me shallow. Do we not go for people we are attracted to...why is it wrong to say an attraction is important 

 

I really liked her Hurlshot ...I could easily have lied to her just to make her feel better and said " of course I would have connected with you "  but I couldn't lie to her. In fact this would have been a white lie not a real lie

 

And to be honest it really was her personality that drew me to her ...that was the main thing but I still don't understand why attraction isnt relevant 

 

I have seen Shallow Hal but thats a bit harsh ...I'm not like that guy ?

[ManifestedISO]

 

I need to understand the lesson here ? What do you guys think it is?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2VBmHOYpV8

[BruceVC]

@ Hurlshot 

 

You wife I believe was a hostess when you first met her, weren't' you attracted to her ?

 

Wasn't that part of the reason you got together?

[BruceVC]

 

 

I need to understand the lesson here ? What do you guys think it is?

 

[

 

M what do you think? Isn't attraction important .?

[BruceVC]

I must tell you guys something else interesting just so you understand I have loads on my mind

 

I mentioned that I'm very active on several radio talk shows where we discuss issues in the new South Africa that are about race

 

Now I am very comfortable in the new South Africa and try to really explain to black South Africans that things are not as bad as they seem. It may sound weird but I believe as a white South African any white person should be part of the transformation of the country

 

Now you probably thinking " wow its 20 years into your new Democracy why could you really say "

 

Apartheid I have realised has really messed up many black people in ways most white people living here don't understand. Apartheid destroyed peoples identities and confidence ....its hard to explain because most people would think..." come on ...get over it " ....but there are some deep rooted and irrevocable problems

 

So for example last night  we discussed the world of assumptions and what assumptions people had. I knew it would be bad but I didn't realize how bad. So black people are incredibly honest and many people phoned to raise honest assumptions they felt white people had about them..so grown men in there 40's, 50's and 60's would phone in a say things like

 

• White people think we are stupid 
• White people think if we have dark skin we are dumb so I want to make my skin lighter 
• White people hate us because they  don't respect our culture
• White people think we don't understand how politics work and we just stupidly vote for the ANC

 

I don't think any of those things but it was upsetting and humbling to think that after all this time many  black South African still think so less of themselves ....its not nice to think people think you think so less of then

 

Apartheid was wrong l man...I now think it was worse than the genocide because the Jews were made stronger at the end but Apartheid did something different to many black people and it lasted 40 years ..what the F***k was wrong with the old government to think it could dehumanize people like that . Its hard to explain, I hope I'm making sense 

Edited August 22, 2015 by BruceVC

[Bartimaeus]

This girl was sizing you up as relationship material, and you failed pretty horribly.  I mean, you are shallow, that is hard to get around.  She picked up on it quickly and that is probably for the best.  I could try to explain it to you, but it would be easier if you just went and watched Shallow Hal.

 

 

Why don't you answer the question she asked?  If she was overweight, would you still have been able to connect with her like you did?  It sounds like the answer is no, which is unfortunate for you.  

 

I'm going to go a little against the grain here(?): how is paying heed to whom you are and are not attracted to being shallow? If you are not attracted to someone, you are not attracted to someone - it doesn't matter what traits that are specifically turning you away, whether it be gender/sex, physical features, how they manage their appearance, what they believe (yes, even stuff like this can play into your perception of who you're attracted to), etc. - you are simply not attracted to them. I also doubt it's a wise idea to pursue those whom you are not attracted to - that would surely result in some difficulties in any potentially meaningful relationship for as long as it remains true (it may not remain true, since what we appreciate can change over time, especially with more exposure - particularly if it's in a consistently positive light - but it's impossible to determine that from the outset, and most people would simply rather be with someone where both parties feel like they are compatible with one another to begin with).

 

On the other hand, the girl also asked, "would you have still felt a connection to me[...]?". This one I am less sure of, since it depends on exactly what is meant by "feeling a connection": if you have trouble making friends and/or just in general getting along with someone because of such factors, I think that may be more shallow (it really kind of depends: some people find it impossible to associate with people with opposite political beliefs, for example...whereas I don't have such problems except for very extreme cases. But I wouldn't classify those who do as being shallow: should I? Are physical appearances really that much more meaningful than political beliefs when it comes to personal relationships with others? That's not a rhetorical question: I'm genuinely unsure of what/how you classify such factors as "meaningful".) But genuine attraction? You can't really control for that.

Edited August 22, 2015 by Bartimaeus

[Gfted1]

Physical attraction is almost a primal instinct and you are in no way shallow for not being attracted to fatties. You like what you like, everyone does. TBH, it kind of sounds like she sprung some immature trap on you regarding a situation that no longer even exists. I think the fortunate one was you because you probably dodged a crazy girl.

[BruceVC]

 

This girl was sizing you up as relationship material, and you failed pretty horribly.  I mean, you are shallow, that is hard to get around.  She picked up on it quickly and that is probably for the best.  I could try to explain it to you, but it would be easier if you just went and watched Shallow Hal.

 

 

Why don't you answer the question she asked?  If she was overweight, would you still have been able to connect with her like you did?  It sounds like the answer is no, which is unfortunate for you.  

 

I'm going to go a little against the grain here(?): how is paying heed to whom you are and are not attracted to being shallow? If you are not attracted to someone, you are not attracted to someone - it doesn't matter what traits that are specifically turning you away, whether it be gender/sex, physical features, how they manage their appearance, what they believe (yes, even stuff like this can play into your perception of who you're attracted to), etc. - you are simply not attracted to them. I also doubt it's a wise idea to pursue those whom you are not attracted to - that would surely result in some difficulties in any potentially meaningful relationship for as long as it remains true (it may not remain true, since what we appreciate can change over time, especially with more exposure - particularly if it's in a consistently positive light - but it's impossible to determine that from the outset, and most people would simply rather be with someone where both parties feel like they are compatible with one another to begin with).

 

On the other hand, the girl also asked, "would you have still felt a connection to me[...]?". This one I am less sure of, since it depends on exactly what is meant by "feeling a connection": if you have trouble making friends and/or just in general getting along with someone because of such factors, I think that may be more shallow (it really kind of depends: some people find it impossible to associate with people with opposite political beliefs, for example...whereas I don't have such problems except for very extreme cases. But I wouldn't classify those who do as being shallow: should I? Are physical appearances really that much more meaningful than political beliefs when it comes to personal relationships with others? That's not a rhetorical question: I'm genuinely unsure of what/how you classify such factors as "meaningful".) But genuine attraction? You can't really control for that.

 

 Barti  I have noticed you haven't been talking to me and I thought you would come around as most people do 

 

I think I know where I offended you and also kgambit pointed it out, at  the time I didn't really think you were being serious but I understand I was condescending. I do like you and I know you a young guy who always adds value so I need to be more respectful. In RL I have several young friends but they look at me as a  mentor and I never joke or tease them like I did with you so I apologize 

 

You see I have many debates in RL so sometimes on these forums I don't pay as much attention as I should and I probably do come across as condescending. And sometimes some people just dont talk to me and I don't know why so I can't address it but I am sure I know with you it was the America thread right ?

 

Anyway sorry about that and I hope you will continue to chat to me

[BruceVC]

Physical attraction is almost a primal instinct and you are in no way shallow for not being attracted to fatties. You like what you like, everyone does. TBH, it kind of sounds like she sprung some immature trap on you regarding a situation that no longer even exists. I think the fortunate one was you because you probably dodged a crazy girl.

I have to be honest I am glad you guys see my point but I still feel I failed on some level where it matters

 

 

So her asking me that question was a bit unfair but it was almost like she wanted to confirm if I was telling the truth about what I said earlier. So it is type of thing I would do but not the first night. I'm eccentric but not in a way people always know, I have been in love but that was about 5 years ago. I do meet girls I like and date them but never love because something always feels like its missing. So some of you guys are married and I respect that but I cannot date someone properly unless it really feels right ..so typically I would date a girl for few weeks and then end it in a way where we all friends.

 

My one friend teases me that I always find a fault as Im scared of commitment but thats not what I'm scared of, I'm scared of realizing something is missing and then having to explain why its not working but I dont have a valid reason that most women understand 

 

Anyway I also have a really big social circle of friends and I had no issue with what I have been doing because I assumed " what is love if you can't feel it " ...its not like I would pretend

 

But Bronwyn changed all that ...it was completely by surprise but it felt so nice to be really comfortable with someone and be content..I had forgotten that feeling because I always feel other feelings that are nice but not this one obviously

 

Anyway thanks for the input 

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

I got roped into a "movie party"(aka drinking screwdrivers and watching movies) and am currently bored to tears of Die Die My Darling.

[ManifestedISO]

 

 

 

I need to understand the lesson here ? What do you guys think it is?

 

[

 

M what do you think? Isn't attraction important .?

 

 

Of course, arguably it underlies everything, which is why success rests in the control of our preferences. If you're not attracted to a certain body type, etiquette says keep it to yourself, particularly if someone is testing your depth of empathy.

 

"You'll see your problems multiply if you continually decide to faithfully pursue the policy of truth. Hide what you have to hide, and tell what you have to tell."    

[BruceVC]

 

 

 

 

I need to understand the lesson here ? What do you guys think it is?

 

[

 

M what do you think? Isn't attraction important .?

 

 

Of course, arguably it underlies everything, which is why success rests in the control of our preferences. If you're not attracted to a certain body type, etiquette says keep it to yourself, particularly if someone is testing your depth of empathy.

 

"You'll see your problems multiply if you continually decide to faithfully pursue the policy of truth. Hide what you have to hide, and tell what you have to tell."    

 

 

Thanks, you guys are seeing my point yet what Hurlshot said still bothers me....

[Hurlshort]

I'm going to have to say Manifested has said it best.  Of course a physical attraction is important to any developing romance.  Of course we all have certain desirable physical traits.  Every girl I've ever been serious about was a 36 D.  That is shallow.  I can own that.  But I'm certainly not going to tell a girl on the first night I meet her I'm only interested in her because her boobs are big.  I might compliment them, I might even ogle them a bit, but I need to show some etiquette.

 

This is important in the long run for her.  Those boobs will change some day, and if I can't hide my disappointment on the very first night we meet, then I'm not going to do a good job when she needs support in her later years.  I'm wearing my shallowness on my sleeve and it is a deal breaker.  

 

 

edit:  Oh and ew, my wife was a professional dancer and beauty queen, not a hostess.  

Edited August 22, 2015 by Hurlshot

[ManifestedISO]

 

I'm scared of realizing something is missing and then having to explain why its not working but I dont have a valid reason that most women understand 

 

Me too, exactly, ever since that time in '99 when the stars descended and I controlled the orbit of the moon, the sun, and the galaxy at large. 

 

Now I feel like Captain America without the super soldier serum and I can't explain the loss or how it happened or why. So I just play games and drink craft beer. Really, really good craft beer. 

[Hurlshort]

 

 

Now I feel like Captain America without the super soldier serum and I can't explain the loss or how it happened or why. So I just play games and drink craft beer. Really, really good craft beer. 

 

 

That is my chosen coping method as well.  

[Guard Dog]

 

 

I'm scared of realizing something is missing and then having to explain why its not working but I dont have a valid reason that most women understand 

 

Me too, exactly, ever since that time in '99 when the stars descended and I controlled the orbit of the moon, the sun, and the galaxy at large. 

 

Now I feel like Captain America without the super soldier serum and I can't explain the loss or how it happened or why. So I just play games and drink craft beer. Really, really good craft beer. 

 

On that note I found a really good one you should check out if you can find it: http://www.tnbrew.com/beer/country-roots

 

Might be hard to come by in California but if you see it and you like stouts give it a taste.

[ManifestedISO]

My goodness, yes, that is right down my alley. 

 

I looked, but it appears I can only acquire Finely Tuned Brew by visiting Nashville.

 

Actually, I've always wanted to experience Asheville, NC, coincidentally not so far away.  

[Hurlshort]

I noticed they have a rye based IPA, that is definitely the hot new flavor base.  It definitely adds a unique taste.  I'm trying to decide what to put in my kegerator when it arrives, I will stick to 1/6 kegs, since I should be able to get through one of those over 6 weeks or so.  I've got a few local breweries that sell them for a good price, thinking about a double IPA from Strike Brewing.

[ShadySands]

I made panna cotta and grilled some steaks

 

Other than that nothing exciting, back to school and back to work

 

Oh, I also got called and took part in a survey about the 2016 election but it didn't go well because I told them I wouldn't be voting for Hillary or "the Republican nominee" and half of the survey was a choice between the two

[ManifestedISO]

What happens when you graduate ... then you'll be smarter than me ... I don't want to be more dumber ... the struggle is real. 

 

Definitely you earned it. This year? Next spring? 

[ShadySands]

I have a year left which sucks because my feelings towards school are not good. It's not hate but it's hate adjacent. The main reason I'm going is because I was thinking of picking up a second job because I used to have a lot of free time and while I wouldn't describe my feelings towards money as love I think they would qualify as love adjacent.

 

Enter the GI bill and now I have a part time job that gives me big ol' dinosaur brains. Job and everything else probably stays the same though I'll probably pick up something else on the side

Edited August 23, 2015 by ShadySands

[BruceVC]

 

 

I'm scared of realizing something is missing and then having to explain why its not working but I dont have a valid reason that most women understand 

 

Me too, exactly, ever since that time in '99 when the stars descended and I controlled the orbit of the moon, the sun, and the galaxy at large. 

 

Now I feel like Captain America without the super soldier serum and I can't explain the loss or how it happened or why. So I just play games and drink craft beer. Really, really good craft beer. 

 

 

Guys thanks for all the input, on further reflection if this happens again I guess I just need to use common sense. Especially if I really like the lady, so next time if it happens I will tell a white lie and say something like   " weight makes no difference". Because then this whole type of question wouldn't have become so contentious. Also obviously once you get into a relationship weight is less of an issue 

 

I decided to go out last night after chatting on these forums, I met up with some friends and had a really good time and it was nice distraction  

[ShadySands]

Bruce, maybe a straight up lie isn't the way to go either but rather some deflection or redirection could be a better course of action. I dunno, I'm no social butterfly myself but it does seems like you rolled a 1 on that trap ',

 

Anyway, so far today I have successfully woken up. Here's to small victories

 

Update - went to brunch, drank a lot of fuzzy navel mimosas and this is the outfit of the day

Yeah, getting my Picard on

Edited August 23, 2015 by ShadySands

[BruceVC]

Bruce, maybe a straight up lie isn't the way to go either but rather some deflection or redirection could be a better course of action. I dunno, I'm no social butterfly myself but it does seems like you rolled a 1 on that trap ',

 

Anyway, so far today I have successfully woken up. Here's to small victories

Yeah it was an epic fail ....no denying it 

 

I'm not talking about normal  lying which is generally done in a malicious way

 

I mean a white lie which is done so you dont hurt someone feelings ...now people will tell you " there is NO such thing as white lie...a lie is a lie " 

 

But thats patently not true and most reasonable people  tell white lies all the time. For example lets take your wife who comes from Latvia ( Or Lithuania or Estonia I forget ) and lets say the majority of her family still live there and for years she has been telling you about her grandfather and how she misses him, she tells you stories about growing up under the USSR and how her grandfather was a very important part of her life ....and even though you have never met him you can see how important he is to her

 

Anyway one day as a surprise you tell her " lets fly your grandfather over to the USA " ...your wife is ecstatic and her grandfather comes over for week or so and your wife has the most amazing time with him but also is very proud to show him her new life and how you have provided for her and how she is part of the USA 

 

But during this time you actually found the grandfather to be aloof and contemptuous towards you for an unknown or not obvious reason...something your wife doesn't see. Now when he goes back  home and your wife is obviously sad and says to you " did you enjoy meeting him " would you really be honest and tell her the truth knowing it will hurt her ..especially considering the fact you probably wont have to see him again?

 

You probably wouldn't see the need to and you would  tell her a white lie...  " yes he is very nice"

 

You see its a lie but done for a valid reason...hence a white lie. I tell them fairly regularly 

Edited August 23, 2015 by BruceVC