What do you do if you don't have a "correct" emotional response to something?

[lord of flies]

Like, just hypothetically speaking, suppose that your grandmother was dying. You went to visit her in the hospital/at her home, but just felt awkward and bored and wanted to leave, but didn't actually leave or say you wanted to leave because you knew you were supposed to be there. Then she died, and you didn't feel anything at all, and not because she was distant or anything, you were actually fairly close, but you still don't feel anything even though you know you should. You're not suppressing it or anything, you just don't feel bad at all. Like, it's a week later, and over the past week you have paid less attention to her death than you have to pointless minutiae of your day-to-day life.

 

What are you supposed to do in this sort of situation?

 

Thanks in advance.

[kirottu]

This hypothetical person had probably already dealt with the loss of his grandmother even before it happened. Old people die and even more so if they

[lord of flies]

This hypothetical person had probably already dealt with the loss of his grandmother even before it happened. Old people die and even more so if they

[Humodour]

Like, just hypothetically speaking, suppose that your grandmother was dying. You went to visit her in the hospital/at her home, but just felt awkward and bored and wanted to leave, but didn't actually leave or say you wanted to leave because you knew you were supposed to be there. Then she died, and you didn't feel anything at all, and not because she was distant or anything, you were actually fairly close, but you still don't feel anything even though you know you should. You're not suppressing it or anything, you just don't feel bad at all. Like, it's a week later, and over the past week you have paid less attention to her death than you have to pointless minutiae of your day-to-day life.

 

What are you supposed to do in this sort of situation?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

It could mean you're sociopathic (typically characterised by selfishness and narcissism), it could mean you just don't feel strong emotional response to things but are otherwise normal (usually due to desensitisation), it could mean you already got over her death before she died, it could mean you simply don't have a problem with death (think for example a person who is 100% absolutely CONVINCED heaven is waiting for everyone after death), it could mean you have Asperger's syndrome or some other Autism-spectrum disorder (I've discussed a similar situation with a friend of mine who has AS).

 

If this is you, don't beat yourself up over it. Even if your situation matches the worst of the above scenarios - sociopathy - it doesn't mean you're a bad person (not by default at least, though you might be) your brain is just wired differently.

[Morgoth]

I only feel something when I beat the end boss.

 

Am I an unfeeling person?

[Meshugger]

Some people do not feel a thing until several months, some times even years later. Call it an emotional shock or something.

[Rostere]

The fact that the person in question is worried by his/her own response would indicate that the are at least some feelings. I think.

[Hurlshort]

The fact that the person in question is worried by his/her own response would indicate that the are at least some feelings. I think.

 

Exactly.

 

Right now it sounds like that person is feeling some guilt or concern over the lack of a reaction. The best way to handle that is to keep a memory of a good time that person spent with their grandmother alive and active. Maybe share it with a friend.

[Gorgon]

I felt relief when my dad died, to finally not have to hear him struggle for breath and be miserable. Nothing wrong with that.

[Gorth]

Wouldn't it depend somewhat on the the relationship with the deceased too?

 

I've carried 2 coffins with estranged relatives to a grave so far and was mostly worried about the dead one getting a decent, dignified burial rather than that they were dead. When the father of one of my friends died, I felt sorry for my friend and his family, but couldn't really feel genuine sadness that the man was dead (and he was a very nice guy). "Closeness" probably plays more of a role than any abitrariy family tree coincidences.

[Walsingham]

I would reread Les Etrangers (I think that's how you spell it). But frankly I do think that if one had absolutely no reaction that would be worth talking to a professional about. Either this individual has sociopathic tendencies, or they are suppressing their emotions to a degree which can only be unhealthy over time.

 

Or, I suppose they may not understand what death actually is. How often has this person dealt with death?

[Tigranes]

I suppose they may not understand what death actually is.

 

I had a nice family friend who actually erected wooden boards in his living room to give me a room when I had nowhere to stay for a few months, who proceeded to die of cancer a few years later. I was 16 or so and it was just really really uncomfortable being in that hospital room knowing he's going to die very soon.

 

I think it was on one hand having no idea whether to be cheerful or solemn or emotional or whatever, and on the other this terrible feeling that I thought I should be more devastated.

 

It didn't help that he instructed his funeral to be a strictly cheerful, tongue-in cheek affair.

[Blarghagh]

The fact that you worry about not having that response means you're fairly well-adjusted.

 

A lot of people have this. It's fairly common. Sometimes it never "hits" a person in the way they expect, sometimes it happens later. A friend of mine had it when his mother died, it took him a couple of weeks before his system finally realized what had happened and he pretty much broke down.

[Oblarg]

I would reread Les Etrangers (I think that's how you spell it). But frankly I do think that if one had absolutely no reaction that would be worth talking to a professional about. Either this individual has sociopathic tendencies, or they are suppressing their emotions to a degree which can only be unhealthy over time.

 

Or, I suppose they may not understand what death actually is. How often has this person dealt with death?

 

What a terrible book that is.

[vault_overseer]

Sorry, I have to leave this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iKjkPgVQcE

[Humodour]

[WILL THE ALMIGHTY]

I've only had to deal with a funeral twice, both for grandparents, and even then I was young. I barely felt anything, no matter how close I was to them, and I don't believe in anything supernatural happening after death. Maybe I have some sort of sociopath problem, it'd explain a few things, but I'm not close to getting bothered by it all that much. The only thing I can recommend is not to try and fake emotions if you don't get any. You can't force these things and even if you did it wouldn't be any "better".

[Walsingham]

I would reread Les Etrangers (I think that's how you spell it). But frankly I do think that if one had absolutely no reaction that would be worth talking to a professional about. Either this individual has sociopathic tendencies, or they are suppressing their emotions to a degree which can only be unhealthy over time.

 

Or, I suppose they may not understand what death actually is. How often has this person dealt with death?

 

What a terrible book that is.

 

First time I read it I thought so. Then I realised that it's excellent... because it's so bad precisely because the protagonist has no emotions.

[LadyCrimson]

What are you supposed to do in this sort of situation?

I wouldn't worry about it. Either it'll hit this hypothetical person eventually, like some of the others have said, or it won't. If this hypothetical person was close to the grandmother, cared for, had a connection with, & loved her when she was alive, that's indication enough of 'humanity' right there, imo. After that...well we all grieve differently. Not everyone cries or has deep sad emotions immediately after a loss, particularly when the loss is not a surprise.

 

My husband had very little reaction when his mother died (suddenly/unexpectedly). He & his mother weren't super close at that point but there was no animosity/resentment either & we saw her semi-frequently. But...it just wasn't a surprise to him, I think.

Edited July 28, 2010 by LadyCrimson

[Oblarg]

I would reread Les Etrangers (I think that's how you spell it). But frankly I do think that if one had absolutely no reaction that would be worth talking to a professional about. Either this individual has sociopathic tendencies, or they are suppressing their emotions to a degree which can only be unhealthy over time.

 

Or, I suppose they may not understand what death actually is. How often has this person dealt with death?

 

What a terrible book that is.

 

First time I read it I thought so. Then I realised that it's excellent... because it's so bad precisely because the protagonist has no emotions.

 

No, it's bad because the writing style is inconsistent at best and completely incoherent at worst. It's even worse when Camus just abandons all remnants of his esoteric writing style and starts preaching at the end.

[Walsingham]

Yet at the same time, I think it is a relevant and interesting book. Even if Ian Fleming would have written it better.