Ask Monte

[Monte Carlo]

Hello mortals.

 

I have decided to nominate myself the forum agony aunt, in these times of equal opportunities I see no reason why a large hairy middle-aged bloke can't have that job title.

 

Anyway, I digress. Please post your problems and dilemmas, however big or small*, and I will share with you the ripest fruits of my wisdom.

 

Cheers

MC

 

* smaller the better really, there are highly trained professionals to deal with big problems.

Edited June 28, 2010 by Monte Carlo

[Serrano]

Auntie Monte, the heatwave combined with heavy hay fever is unbearable. If I leave the windows open the pollen will get me, my eyes will itch and I'll be constantly sneezing. If I leave them closed then even with a fan I'm uncomfortably hot. What should I do?

[theslug]

Dear Monte,

 

Why can't I get laid?

 

Cordially,

 

The Slug

[Hurlshort]

Dear Monte,

 

My newborn son seems to have some acid reflux, what can I do about that? He has already spit up on my best t-shirts. His belly button also looks a bit odd.

[Humodour]

Hello mortals.

 

I have decided to nominate myself the forum agony aunt, in these times of equal opportunities I see no reason why a large hairy middle-aged bloke can't have that job title.

 

Anyway, I digress. Please post your problems and dilemmas, however big or small*, and I will share with you the ripest fruits of my wisdom.

 

Cheers

MC

 

* smaller the better really, there are highly trained professionals to deal with big problems.

 

Dear Monte,

 

Are you a narcissist?

 

Longingly yours,

Gabe Newell

[kirottu]

Dear Monte

 

How to straighten a bend ****?

 

With kind regards,

 

Kirottu

[Monte Carlo]

So many dilemmas.

 

Serrano: A short-term solution to your problem is difficult. Whilst you are saving money to emigrate to a country with a lower-than-average median summer temperature and pollen count, I suggest you put your sleep-wear in the refrigerator while you are at work. Frosty PJs are the perfect tonic to hot summer nights.

 

Theslug: I'm an agony aunt, not a freaking miracle worker. Give me a break.

 

Hurlie: I am happy to share my experiences of fatherhood with you in this regard. Generally speaking, you should leave all of these tasks to Mrs. Hurlshot to manage, it is after all her biological imperative. Busy yourself with manly tasks such as chopping wood and drinking beer whilst watching sporting events and you will find that these issues resolve themselves.

 

Krezzie: I suspect your problem is that you can be a bit of a humourless tit occasionally. Worry not, it's hardly the end of the world and there is lots of stuff you can be doing about it. With regards to your original question, my head-doctor has found some marginal sociopathic tendencies married with occasional anxiety. Nonetheless, I will raise the issue of Narcissism with him at my next session, if I can drag myself away from the mirror and dusting the 12' tall hardboard mounted photo of myself dressed as Stalin.

 

Like I say, you can't teach wisdom like this and it's all free.

[theslug]

Dear Monte

 

How to straighten a bend ****?

 

With kind regards,

 

Kirottu

I can answer that one. Take vitamin e, no joke.

[Monte Carlo]

Dear Monte

 

How to straighten a bend ****?

 

With kind regards,

 

Kirottu

 

Wow, why does the language filter have a problem with the word 'nail?' My advice is buy some more from your local hardware store.

[Purkake]

What is game?

[WILL THE ALMIGHTY]

Who was phone?

[213374U]

Dear Monte,

 

I can't ever seem to get out of bed when I'm supposed to (!). Please help.

 

Yours faithfully,

 

elitenapper

[Kor Qel Droma]

Dear MC:

 

I recently upgraded my golf clubs. Yet while using them I seem to slice the ball 98% of the time. What can I do to hit the ball straight?

[Guard Dog]

Dear Monte,

 

I'm trying to design a packet microwave transport system for a customer in Florida but that state has rather unreasonable wind loading requirements for monople towers and even the addition of a forty kilogram package and antenna is causing leasing and regulatory compliance issues on their towers. I've worked out a plan to replace the RF coax lines with a brightcell system (fiberoptic connections from the mux in the base station to an integrated RF transciever mounted with the antenna on the tower). This will require reinforcing the mounting arms of the brackets but eliminates the need to reinforce the monople structure since it also eliminates the weight of the waveguide. The only problem is the customer does not want to spend the money on britecell infrastructure and it opting to go with reinforcing the whole tower. My question is, how do I deal with the cost overruns associated with the reinforcement since this project has a hard budget? I have to cut some $20k in our costs to come in under budget, but still make a Dec 31 deadline. Help me please!

 

I keep drinking but this problem will not go away.

[Monte Carlo]

Dear Monte,

 

I'm trying to design a packet microwave transport system for a customer in Florida but that state has rather unreasonable wind loading requirements for monople towers and even the addition of a forty kilogram package and antenna is causing leasing and regulatory compliance issues on their towers. I've worked out a plan to replace the RF coax lines with a brightcell system (fiberoptic connections from the mux in the base station to an integrated RF transciever mounted with the antenna on the tower). This will require reinforcing the mounting arms of the brackets but eliminates the need to reinforce the monople structure since it also eliminates the weight of the waveguide. The only problem is the customer does not want to spend the money on britecell infrastructure and it opting to go with reinforcing the whole tower. My question is, how do I deal with the cost overruns associated with the reinforcement since this project has a hard budget? I have to cut some $20k in our costs to come in under budget, but still make a Dec 31 deadline. Help me please!

 

I keep drinking but this problem will not go away.

 

Obviously I will get around to the other questions later (the golf club dilemma is particularly disturbing) but this one requires urgent attention.

 

Firstly, Guard Dog, it is good to know that you are hitting the bottle. When the Nazi threat loomed over Europe in 1939 Winston Churchill famously began drinking heavily and didn't stop until VE Day five years later. So that helps put your dilemma in perspective.

 

Now we've got that out of the way I think we can deal with the real issue - your over-reliance on high technology solutions to an age-old problem. A combination of well-trained carrier pigeons, semophore, nimble-footed runners and (yes) Citizen's Band radio (you can bulk buy these from a friend of mine in Karachi, will PM you his number) I think you can crack this one and come in under budget.

 

Then buy some soothing healing crystals, take a nice long bath with some scented candles in it, order out for some Chinese food and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

 

Cheers

MC

[Darth InSidious]

Dear Auntie Monte,

 

I have no talent whatsoever but have enveigled myself into almost every area of modern TV and theatre. Is my career about to crash? Please advise.

 

Yours incontinently,

Jim Barrowboy

[Humodour]

Dear Auntie Monte,

 

I have no talent whatsoever but have enveigled myself into almost every area of modern TV and theatre. Is my career about to crash? Please advise.

 

Yours incontinently,

Jim Barrowboy

 

Yeah, here's what you gotta do: smoke some cones, bang some hoes.

[Kor Qel Droma]

I'm sorry, but this thread does not deliver.

[Monte Carlo]

^ My apologies, now I have a problem too.

[theslug]

This thread sucks. Thanks for the sham a hole.

[kirottu]

Dear Monte,

 

Why can't I get laid?

 

Cordially,

 

The Slug

 

Dear The Slug,

 

You must think women as candy shop owners, who wont give you candy for free and will call the police if you try to pay for it, but if you appear not to be interested in candy they will tie you down and force feed you until your has crap has changed color to E961.

 

Not currently dating,

 

Kirottu

[Walsingham]

Dear Monte,

 

I'm trying to design a packet microwave transport system for a customer in Florida but that state has rather unreasonable wind loading requirements for monople towers and even the addition of a forty kilogram package and antenna is causing leasing and regulatory compliance issues on their towers. I've worked out a plan to replace the RF coax lines with a brightcell system (fiberoptic connections from the mux in the base station to an integrated RF transciever mounted with the antenna on the tower). This will require reinforcing the mounting arms of the brackets but eliminates the need to reinforce the monople structure since it also eliminates the weight of the waveguide. The only problem is the customer does not want to spend the money on britecell infrastructure and it opting to go with reinforcing the whole tower. My question is, how do I deal with the cost overruns associated with the reinforcement since this project has a hard budget? I have to cut some $20k in our costs to come in under budget, but still make a Dec 31 deadline. Help me please!

 

I keep drinking but this problem will not go away.

 

What are tyhe fundamental, hard science, constraints on your solution, and what are the human constraints? Divide, and list, please.

[Serrano]

I realise this thread was intended as a joke but I actually could use some advice for something not earth shatteringly important. Does anyone have any tips or mental exercises that would help me focus on something mundane over long stretches of time, say an entire day even while there are distractions going on around me?

Edited July 13, 2010 by Serrano

[WorstUsernameEver]

Dear Monte,

let's assume you were a sage from an eastern country and you were asked if the egg came before the chicken or viceversa : how would you react?

And how would you fight against an handicapped ogre with magic powers that wants to conquer the world for some perfectly understandable freudian excuse?

 

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Ever

[Blarghagh]

Dear Uncle Monty,

 

I have acquired a kitten. He has been named Binky. He is extremely violent, and keeps trying to kill my feet. Yet I cannot help but be endeared by this violence. Is this because video games have desensitized me to violence? Am I going to commit school shootings?

 

Sincerely yours,

 

Andrew de Weerd

Edited July 13, 2010 by TrueNeutral