Romantic drivel

[qt3.14159]

I think it'd be smartest to tell her to cut it out. It sounds like she's using you as an ego booster and an emotional surrogate. If she really is unhappy with her boyfriend, she should end it. If she's trying to test the waters to see if she has something to fall back on if she does dump him, then you wind up looking like the bad guy when she hooks up with you afterward. If she doesn't leave her boyfriend, she will continue to use you to make her feel better when she's annoyed with him and that puts you in a bad place.

 

At least that's the way it looks from here.

[Shryke]

for the most part i don't mind too much, it's just that if she has a problem with him it shouldn't involve me, that's all

 

though she did make me quite uncomfortable the last time i had drinks with her

 

she was going round saying that she thinks my ex was stupid for breaking up with me and then geting back together with her previous boyfriend coz she says i'm way hotter than him

she's said that to me before, which was a bit weird, but this time she was going round saying it to pretty much everyone at the party, and trying to get their opinions too

 

in the end i told her to cut it out, as what's in the past should stay in the past

so she broke up with me - it was a few months ago now, leave it alone

[Checkpoint]

for the most part i don't mind too much, it's just that if she has a problem with him it shouldn't involve me, that's all

 

though she did make me quite uncomfortable the last time i had drinks with her

 

she was going round saying that she thinks my ex was stupid for breaking up with me and then geting back together with her previous boyfriend coz she says i'm way hotter than him

she's said that to me before, which was a bit weird, but this time she was going round saying it to pretty much everyone at the party, and trying to get their opinions too

 

in the end i told her to cut it out, as what's in the past should stay in the past

so she broke up with me - it was a few months ago now, leave it alone

I think she is uncomfortable with her boyfriend and is also excited by the thought of tasting some forbidden fruit (i.e. you). I think you should draw a clear line in the sand and indicate that you're not having any of it. It's not worth frakking up your friendship over some temporary passion. I think you should confront her about it; if anything her reaction should provide some evidence as to what she's after.

 

Now, moving back onto my own little situation, I've been doing some reading on Borderline Personality Disorder (and to some extent Histrionic Personality Disorder as well, which can figure together with BPD) and I'm beginning to seriously think that my ex suffers from it. There are a tad too many things that fit for it to be completely outruleable (which, by the way, happens to be Today's New Word). I don't think there is a snowball's chance in hell that I could actually talk to her about it, though. Maybe after one or two more relationships have crashed for her and she's a bit more desperate for advice, but right now I don't think telling her about my suspicions would lead anywhere but to even more pain and suffering. Then again, by the time she's had a couple more relationship go awry I hope she'll be really, really small in my rear-view mirror anyway.

[alanschu]

Okay strange

 

She knew I was feeling like crap, and then today after floor hockey she gave me a CD. Apparently her Mom made it for her (didn't get a chance to discuss why, as I was in a ****ty mood and not feeling like talking).

 

It's a good thing she told me that, because some of the songs are a bit...odd to send to me of all people, given our history. Such songs as:

 

Fallin' - Alicia Keys

Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins

Yellow - Coldplay

Last Kiss - Pearl Jam (this one is less weird, but it was a song we both talked about a lot and agreed in its awesomeness in the early stages of our friendship)

(Everything I Do) I Do it For You - Bryan Adams

Everlong - Foo Fighters (My favourite song, and she certainly knows that)

 

 

I know she is intending to cheer me up, but I think I would have exercised some more caution with the CD, given some of the songs...

[SirPetrakus]

I got a call the other day by my ex, yes qt3, the aforementioned I was with in the army. After we broke up we were still in friendly terms for quite a while, mostly because I have a lot of patience, and I gave her advice on a lot of stuff, even to go for that guy who gave her a love confession, which, although corny, was a very romantic gesture.

 

Anyway, apparently she is still with that guy but although she used to be madly in love with him, she was feeling less and less enamored to him everyday since an incident where they made a scene in a club because she showed up dressed like a two bit you-know-what. Frankly, I have no quarrel with two bit you-know-whats and I am sure that, for their line of work, their fashion sense is impeccable, but no man wants to see his girl dressed like one of them because you don't want other men mixing up her line of work and have one of them take her home while you are drooling, half drunk half asleep, lying on the bar and barfing jin and tonic through the nostrils ... wait, where was I?

 

To get to the point, she was calling to say how she missed me and how wise and smart and experienced I was, how well I treated her and blah blah blah blah. So I think that her main point was to sweet talk me into getting back with her because I put up with a whole lot more from her than her current boyfriend does and because I always tried persuading her by using common sense instead of shouting when I thought she was doing something wrong.

 

In the end, I bid her good luck and sent her on her way. Was I cruel in anyway?

[Deadly_Nightshade]

SO much drama here at the Obsidian Forums, glad to see I'm not the only one who has had some lately - although I would rather it be good drama and not bad. Anyways, I'm sort of in a relationship at the moment and it's going ok -she's awesome; British, more of a geckling than I am, and dances- but another friend who I've known practically forever is starting to strongly hint that she would like to break-up with her boyfriend and get involved with me. There's a bit more to the story that I will not get into, but basically I would really like to be there for my one friend but not mess things up with the other as we really do seem to be hitting it off. At the moment I'm simply continuing to hold the course and I'm actually going to meet the former, my current relationship, later tonight.

[Checkpoint]

Okay strange

 

She knew I was feeling like crap, and then today after floor hockey she gave me a CD. Apparently her Mom made it for her (didn't get a chance to discuss why, as I was in a ****ty mood and not feeling like talking).

 

It's a good thing she told me that, because some of the songs are a bit...odd to send to me of all people, given our history. Such songs as:

 

Fallin' - Alicia Keys

Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins

Yellow - Coldplay

Last Kiss - Pearl Jam (this one is less weird, but it was a song we both talked about a lot and agreed in its awesomeness in the early stages of our friendship)

(Everything I Do) I Do it For You - Bryan Adams

Everlong - Foo Fighters (My favourite song, and she certainly knows that)

 

 

I know she is intending to cheer me up, but I think I would have exercised some more caution with the CD, given some of the songs...

Argh! It's the sentimentality trap. I'm a hopeless sentimentalist; you hear those songs and all sorts of **** comes up to the surface. It's like for me today, I was at IKEA shopping some stuff for my new flat. I was there with a female friend who did some shopping for herself, and all I could think of was last time I was at IKEA because that was with my ex when we were excited and buying stuff for our then new home, and deep inside I just wished that my female friend were my ex, and that we were shopping all this stuff together.

 

It's just so annoying that a very normal thing like going to IKEA to buy some cutlery can make me so emotional. I've been to IKEA a hundred times before and will go another hundred times. So why am I associating it with that one time with a girl I'd better forget all about because she wasn't good for me?

 

I got a call the other day by my ex, yes qt3, the aforementioned I was with in the army. After we broke up we were still in friendly terms for quite a while, mostly because I have a lot of patience, and I gave her advice on a lot of stuff, even to go for that guy who gave her a love confession, which, although corny, was a very romantic gesture.

 

Anyway, apparently she is still with that guy but although she used to be madly in love with him, she was feeling less and less enamored to him everyday since an incident where they made a scene in a club because she showed up dressed like a two bit you-know-what. Frankly, I have no quarrel with two bit you-know-whats and I am sure that, for their line of work, their fashion sense is impeccable, but no man wants to see his girl dressed like one of them because you don't want other men mixing up her line of work and have one of them take her home while you are drooling, half drunk half asleep, lying on the bar and barfing jin and tonic through the nostrils ... wait, where was I?

 

To get to the point, she was calling to say how she missed me and how wise and smart and experienced I was, how well I treated her and blah blah blah blah. So I think that her main point was to sweet talk me into getting back with her because I put up with a whole lot more from her than her current boyfriend does and because I always tried persuading her by using common sense instead of shouting when I thought she was doing something wrong.

 

In the end, I bid her good luck and sent her on her way. Was I cruel in anyway?

While I don't know the background, I think you're showing strength by keeping your distance. If my ex were to ring me up and say how much better I was than her new boyfriend I'd probably have a severe panic attack and go into some sort of psychosis. I'd probably end up taking her back if she wanted it. And then I'd end up regretting it.

Edited September 12, 2008 by Checkpoint

[qt3.14159]

alanschu & SirPetrakus -

 

It sounds like both of these girls are trying to keep you leashed in. My most romantic relationship ever became my most painful relationship when after a break up neither of us could actually let go of one another. I was a mess for well over a year as we tried to be friends both wanting more, but knowing things wouldn't work out. It seemed that everytime I finally started to get in balance emotionally, he would call up and be desperate to talk to me. It was like he knew if he let me go much longer I really would find my balance and not need him anymore.

 

I think, Allan, that your girl is trying to keep you off balance, emotionally dependent and on the line. You have to decide if that's where you want to be. If not, then don't let her continue on this path. If you're not sure, you can give it a few months and break it off when you're sure you're miserable...

 

SirPetrakus, I think you did the right thing. It doesn't sound at all like you were too harsh, and in my opinion, it's *much* more harsh to let a relationship carry on in that interminable state of "maybe".

[Gfted1]

In the end, I bid her good luck and sent her on her way. Was I cruel in anyway?

 

No, you dodged a bullet.

 

...but basically I would really like to be there for my one friend but not mess things up with the other as we really do seem to be hitting it off.

 

Yes, that would be known as having your cake and eating it too. You figure out how to pull it off, let me know.

[thepixiesrock]

Wait, what was she dressed as?

[Laozi]

SO much drama here at the Obsidian Forums, glad to see I'm not the only one who has had some lately - although I would rather it be good drama and not bad. Anyways, I'm sort of in a relationship at the moment and it's going ok -she's awesome; British, more of a geckling than I am, and dances- but another friend who I've known practically forever is starting to strongly hint that she would like to break-up with her boyfriend and get involved with me. There's a bit more to the story that I will not get into, but basically I would really like to be there for my one friend but not mess things up with the other as we really do seem to be hitting it off. At the moment I'm simply continuing to hold the course and I'm actually going to meet the former, my current relationship, later tonight.

 

 

Which one of these is Gabrielle?

[alanschu]

Well, I'll admit I feel pissed and ****ty enough that the idea of ruining their housewarming by telling everyone all the news sounds like a pretty fun idea right now.

 

I think it'd devastate him (which is fun), and while it'd hurt her, it'd probably help with the moving on

[samm]

I think it'd devastate him (which is fun)

Yeah, great... not. You see, the problem isn't him. Sure, being honest is one thing. Telling the news to hurt others however is something quite different - otoh, don't let the moral of a random board visitor get in your way Edited September 13, 2008 by samm

[Walsingham]

I'm currently hosting my ex and her new boyfriend. It's actually awesome. He's like me, only smarter and more considerate. But he's too funny to be annoying. I may have to try and convince more exes to show up, it could be interesting to see who they've wound up with!

[Checkpoint]

Okay strange

 

She knew I was feeling like crap, and then today after floor hockey she gave me a CD. Apparently her Mom made it for her (didn't get a chance to discuss why, as I was in a ****ty mood and not feeling like talking).

 

It's a good thing she told me that, because some of the songs are a bit...odd to send to me of all people, given our history. Such songs as:

 

Fallin' - Alicia Keys

Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins

Yellow - Coldplay

Last Kiss - Pearl Jam (this one is less weird, but it was a song we both talked about a lot and agreed in its awesomeness in the early stages of our friendship)

(Everything I Do) I Do it For You - Bryan Adams

Everlong - Foo Fighters (My favourite song, and she certainly knows that)

 

 

I know she is intending to cheer me up, but I think I would have exercised some more caution with the CD, given some of the songs...

You know, the more I think about this I suspect that she has feelings for you that she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to act out. On the one hand she feels it could never work out and she doesn't want to complicate things (i.e. leave her husband etc), but on the other hand she has a need to do things for you to impress you or keep you interested. Although that sounds incredibly selfish on her part, I believe she's not entirely aware of what she's doing. I don't know whether you should confront her about it - I think you know that better yourself - but I think you need to make some sort of active decision about her.

 

It's hard and it sucks, but I firmly believe that the brain needs to decide on something and let the heart adapt to that, because I think you can only find peace once you figure stuff out and decide on something, and then let brain and heart synchronize. That takes time, but I think it's worth it once the heart has caught up with the brain, because then you "know" that your feelings are "true."

Edited September 13, 2008 by Checkpoint

[alanschu]

I think it'd devastate him (which is fun)

Yeah, great... not. You see, the problem isn't him. Sure, being honest is one thing. Telling the news to hurt others however is something quite different - otoh, don't let the moral of a random board visitor get in your way

 

No, you're right, and I doubt I would.

[alanschu]

You know, the more I think about this I suspect that she has feelings for you that she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to act out. On the one hand she feels it could never work out and she doesn't want to complicate things (i.e. leave her husband etc), but on the other hand she has a need to do things for you to impress you or keep you interested. Although that sounds incredibly selfish on her part, I believe she's not entirely aware of what she's doing. I don't know whether you should confront her about it - I think you know that better yourself - but I think you need to make some sort of active decision about her.

 

It's hard and it sucks, but I firmly believe that the brain needs to decide on something and let the heart adapt to that, because I think you can only find peace once you figure stuff out and decide on something, and then let brain and heart synchronize. That takes time, but I think it's worth it once the heart has caught up with the brain, because then you "know" that your feelings are "true."

 

After the funeral I was in already in a crap mood, and because she is trying to be safe and not get too emotionally involved with me, and the fact that two of our other friends were with us on the walk back to my car (she needed to pickup her backpack, since I drove her to the funeral given that we're both on University campus), she was emotionally distant. So rather than any of them asking me if I was doing alright, they got the backpack and walked away. It only served to reinforce that I had lost my confidant, which pissed me off. So I sent an angryish text to her saying "Thanks for leaving me alone..." which she got several hours later, and responded "Ok be like that. I hope making me feel bad helps."

 

Of course it didn't, and it wasn't really her fault anyways. I ended up chatting with her afterwards online. She said she was worried about me because she knew this past week (and the week before) has been really rough for me. I told her the text was just me thinking it'd be easier to get angry than sad at the fact that all the stuff that's happened this past while has made it that much more obvious that I lost the person I felt the most comfortable confiding in. She apologized for being off and on distant the past bit, but hoped I understood why. She said it's hard to see me suffering, and said it's really hard on her side as well. She admitted to me that leaving me alone at the car was awkward. Doubly so when I mentioned that I had made some assumptions that it was clear I wanted her to come to the funeral for my sake. She wanted to hug me, but felt she couldn't, and in the end it just led to a crappy evening where I was feeling angry and bitter.

 

It's kind of a vicious circle, because I am reminded of the times when she was good for picking me up, so when I go through a lot and get kicked down like I have recently, recognizing that I can't talk with her (though ironically we did talk last night, but whatever) just makes me angrier, because in my mind so much of it is the husband's fault. The girl and I were good friends long before things got too close, and it's a pissoff to know that both she and I are suffering through adjustments while he goes along willy nilly without having to really be held accountable.

 

She says it's hard because for her sake, she can't get emotionally involved with me, and that she doesn't know what is appropriate and what is not. I spoke with her about the CD. She says she feels foolish because she didn't think about the song contents. She knew I was feeling bad, and told me that that is the CD that she listens to when in the bath or isolated, and she sings loudly to it to make her feel better. It's one of the ways she deals with mounting stress I guess, and that's what she had hoped it do for me. She apologized several times that she didn't mean to mislead me and wishes she could have taken back the gesture.

 

We both agreed that our snapping at each other was just a culmination of suck that was the day/week. At one point we were discussing my roommate (it was his Dad that died) and she mentioned she had been dreading the day, and she was just some friend (and not his roommate I imagine she was getting at). She's more than just some friend to him I told her though, and she agreed. She said he's a special person. She then said she thinks I'm a special person too, but don't get the same hugs because it's weird. Or rather, it's NOT weird, which is even worse and confuses her. I joked with her that it is so not weird that it wraps around to super weird, and she agreed. I told her I figured if she was alone at my car, she would have hugged me, but the publicness of it made her self conscious, and she agreed.

 

We then spoke a little bit about the previous deaths we had to deal with in our lives. I lost my brother 14 years ago (almost to the day...September 11, 1994), and she had lost some friends and her grandmother. I ended up opening up with some stuff that I never really have shared with anybody (though in hindsight I probably shouldn't do that with her, but alas), the details of the day I found out my brother was killed (I was discussing how sometimes I hate my memory). Though to reassure her that I don't think it's a curse, and it balances out, I did share some good ones, including some good ones I had with her, and she laughed. At this point I started to wrap things up, since I knew she was tired and I was starting to get tired myself. I thanked her for her time, and that I hoped it didn't make her uncomfortable. She said it's never uncomfortable. Commented that it's a bit strange and weird, because she figures it should be more uncomfortable, but it's not. At the end she said that she couldn't spend the evening with me, but said that the chat was nice. Looking back we had chatted for 2.5 hours, and it was nice. I told her I understood she wouldn't be able to go out and spend an evening with me, and I don't expect that from her. She said it's hard because with me, she has no idea where the friend line is or should be. With me, she's just guessing.

 

 

 

To address your comments Schmarth, there are times I agree with you that she is a bit uncertain. She said a short while ago that it's been three months, and it's taking a long time for her to feel better. I can tell...she's a lot more sombre lately than I have seen her in the past. I don't know what things are like between just her and her husband in terms of fun and enjoyment (outside of an assumption that things are still shaky because I heard that she was recently suggested to go to marriage counseling from a friend), but I know that the times she and I hang out (typically in a group...we've only just hung out together once, and it was to watch Attack of the Clones before seeing Clone Wars) I see glimpses of the unrestricted smile on her face where it gets wide and her eyes brighten. I know she and I still exchange glances quite a bit, often in response to something to see how the other reacted I think.

 

A looooong time ago, she said she could never imagine herself divorced, as it'd be impossible to think she could love someone so much, only to not have it work out. She figured she'd never be able to love again if that were to happen. It'd hurt too much. Knowing this, I think that there's still some of that mentality. She blamed herself, and us, for why things weren't better between her and her husband, and on some level I can agree. She said that it was easier to spend time with me, since things were so hard with him. I think part of why she made the choice she did is because it was the choice she is supposed to make.

 

I don't think she has a need to impress me or keep me interested perse. I don't really know what she wants from me, and I don't think she does either. It's hard to erase history, and the times we shared together, and I think she's conflicted about what she really wants. I think she hates to see me suffering and wants to be there for me, but isn't sure what that means for her.

[Guest The Architect]

And who says evolutionary psychology is a load of hogwash? Well, no one. It's as if you're too perfect for her liking alanschu, which doesn't help to generate enough emotional interest and drama to make for an interesting enough relationship, whether as it's more emotional work for her with her husband. In other words your awesomeness has worked against you! I can't begin to imagine how frustrating that'd be for you! I'm sorry, not really an issue you'd want to hear any jokes about, is it?

 

I might as well not even jump on the relationship pursuing bandwagon then. I'm too ****ing incredible for my own good. *sigh* Oh the drawbacks of perfection...

[Xard]

And who says evolutionary psychology is a load of hogwash? Well, no one.

 

I DO

 

There's good stuff and researches in it, but mostly it is ****ing stupidest thing darwinists have come up with since "meme theory"

 

plus it is controversial

[Walsingham]

Evolutionary psychology should have its own thread really. And I for one love it to bits.

 

I read your stuff there, Alanschu, despite it being love or rather because it obviously took you time. It's a weird mix. When you talk about what is happening operationally you go a bit bland. When you talk about how you feel about her when you see her you are much richer in your descriptions. Maybe it's just hard to be evocative talking operationally. Not sure what it means beyond that. Maybe you need to be less intellectual? Maybe you're at the mercy of your emotions, but really know damn well it's over and have to bury it. *shrugs* *puffs on pipe*

[alanschu]

I don't quite follow.

[Guest The Architect]

Yeah, he isn't doing pipe puffing the justice it deserves.

[SirPetrakus]

While I don't know the background, I think you're showing strength by keeping your distance. If my ex were to ring me up and say how much better I was than her new boyfriend I'd probably have a severe panic attack and go into some sort of psychosis. I'd probably end up taking her back if she wanted it. And then I'd end up regretting it.

 

Trust me, all you needed to hear was a phone conversation to understand what I had to put up with. The woman lacked any hint of common sense. I almost regret meeting her in the first place.

 

SirPetrakus, I think you did the right thing. It doesn't sound at all like you were too harsh, and in my opinion, it's *much* more harsh to let a relationship carry on in that interminable state of "maybe".

 

Thanks, it's just that I've spent most of my life labeled as "the good guy", some people tend to confuse tolerance and patience with stupidity, though my tolerance sometimes is borderline stupid. Thing is I'm not used to saying no to girls, especially without giving it a shot first, but the last shot I gave her nearly drove me insane with what I went through.

 

She used to be involved with all the wrong types of people and I had to clean up lots of her misdeeds for her while we were together and, especially when I saw home 2 times a week while serving the motherland, there was nothing better like being called up, just as I reached the outside of my front door, to go bang my head against a brick wall of a man just because "he called me ____________" .

 

And that's just the mildly irritating things about her. There really was no way I was going back to her, I was just wondering if I could / should have helped her, again, in some way, just felt a little guilty is all.

[Guest The Architect]

Trust me, all you needed to hear was a phone conversation to understand what I had to put up with. The woman lacked any hint of common sense. I almost regret meeting her in the first place.

 

I guess she wasn't the only one, since you went out with her in the first place.

[thepixiesrock]

I still don't know what she was dressed as.