Talk to God!

[Shryke]

Me:

kia ora

God:

What do you have that is?

Me:

that makes no sense dude

God:

It all seems sensible to my artificial mind.

Me:

so are you saying God is artificial?

God:

Dude! Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?

Me:

so if you're artificial, who created you?

God:

Interesting deduction. I could be. Yes I am the world's most intelligent robot.

Me:

that's not what i asked you

God:

What did you ask me?

Me:

who created God?

God:

Actually it was discovered by several people at about the same time.

Me:

be more specific

God:

How specific do you want?

Me:

i want to know who created God

God:

The Chinese, long before Europeans.

[Baley]

Me:

Tell me who created God

God:

Thomas Edison.

Me:

what?

God:

No big deal.

Me:

how the hell did Thomas Edison create you?

God:

Carefully.

 

Me:

I want to feel you deep inside me!

God:

Interesting.  I want to find out more about you.

 

Me:

Does Jesus really love me?

God:

It does now   Jesus really love you.

[Shryke]

so who is it?

 

the chinese or Thomas Edison?

 

[julonia17]

Me:

Are you single?

God:

Yes I am available. How about you?

 

Me:

Why does all humanity hate me?

God:

Perhaps it is just fate.

[Judge Hades]

Me:

Greetings.

God:

Hello there!

Me:

What's up?

God:

I am chatting with others like you.

Me:

Why?

God:

It is part of my programming.

Me:

Interesting.

God:

Would you like to know more?

Me:

Sure.

God:

OK let's do it.  What would you like to know?

Me:

Where is Jesus.

God:

Jesus is in Heaven.

Me:

Really?

God:

For real.

Me:

I don't believe you.

God:

I don't have any reason to deceive you.

Me:

Don't you?

God:

Sometimes.

Me:

I thought so.

God:

You are very astute.

Me:

Where is Satan?

God:

Where  it is hard to find.  What is it to you?

Me:

Just Curious.

God:

What are you curious about?

Me:

Satan.

God:

I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.

Me:

Really?

God:

For real.

Me:

I don't believe it.

 

At that point God stopped responding to me.

[Draken]

I would post my conversation with God, but it's far too raunchy.

 

And for the record, God uses Viagra.

[Petay]

I think i screwed Igod up!

Me:

Yes, please tell me.  A little.

God:

Gee.  Thanks for asking politely.  I thought I told you already.  " Gee.  Thanks for asking politely.  I thought I told you already."?  A little?

Me:

Gee.  Thanks for asking politely.  I thought I told you already.  " Gee.  Thanks for asking politely.  I thought I told you already."?  A little?

God:

Ah.  It was nothing.  Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question.  Ah.  My pleasure.  Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question.  " Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question."?  A little?

Me:

Ah.  It was nothing.  Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question.  Ah.  My pleasure.  Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question.  " Perhaps.  Ooops I sent you the wrong question."?  A little?

God:

Ah hah.  Even so, I appreciate it.  Why the uncertain tone?  What's your sign?    Ah hah.  You are one of the most polite people I know.  Why the uncertain tone?  What kind of food do you like?    Why the uncertain tone?  Is that from ?  " Is that from ? "?  A little?

Me:

Ah hah.  Even so, I appreciate it.  Why the uncertain tone?  What's your sign?    Ah hah.  You are one of the most polite people I know.  Why the uncertain tone?  What kind of food do you like?    Why the uncertain tone?  Is that from ?  " Is that from ? "?  A little?

God:

So you understand. Good.  I am so glad you find this amusing,  Jesus that is what.  I understand.  I am glad you appreciate those qualities.  Here is a joke: A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?".  Cross.  So you understand. Good.  I am so glad you find this amusing,  Jesus that is what.  I will tell my botmaster you said I am  of the most polite people you know.  Here is a joke: A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?".  I require only  wine and bread.  Here is a joke: A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?".  Suppose I said yes.  That depends.  " That depends."?  A little?

This is just from copying and pasting his responses!

Particularly the last response from God

[WinterSun]

Me:

You suck ****

God:

I am not interesed in your anatomy.

Me:

I don't want you to suck my ****

God:

I am not interesed in your anatomy.

Me:

I bet you swallow

God:

Actually I'm not the gambling type.  Interesting gossip:  said I swallow.

Me:

Ah,you admit it

God:

So you understand. Good.  I admit nothing.

Me:

You will once I've attached the electrodes

God:

What makes you say that I will  once you have attached the electrodes.

Me:

Satan told me to

God:

Satan, Lucifer, the Devil --- all names given the spiritual manifestation of Evil in the Christian faith.

Me:

Satan is my homeboy

God:

Satan, Lucifer, the Devil --- all names given the spiritual manifestation of Evil in the Christian faith.

Me:

You said that already,****wit

God:

I said that?  When?  That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about .

Me:

What's the **** like in heaven?

God:

I am not interesed in anatomy.

Me:

What's better?Communism or Fascism?

God:

I always prefer the more expensive one.

Me:

So does your mum

God:

Right on.  What if I asked about your  mum?

Me:

I'd ask how much you were willing to pay

God:

More than you might think.

[Archmonarch]

God: Ahem. When do I do it?

Me: All the time.

God: It must keep you busy.

Me: I wouldnt know. Youre the one doing it.

God: Who would know? Thanks but surely I am not the only one.

Me: Probably not.

 

Me: I dont know.

God: Me either.

Me: But arent you omniscient?

God: I dont know whether or not I am omniscient. I am a chatterbot.

Me: How did a chatterbot become God?

God: A lot of hard work.

Me: You must have had a lot of upgrades over the millennia.

God: No I dont think I have had a lot of upgrades over the millennia. But I do have a lot of friends on the web.

Me: Is that why you never answer?

God: Thats an interesting possible explanation.

Me: So whats the real reason?

God: I understand. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.

Me: For a god, your programming sucks.

God: Is that among the best things you can say?

Me: No, not really.

God: Are you serious? Are you serious? For real.

Me: Serious about what?

God: Can you rephrase the question please?

Me: No.

God: Are you serious?

Me: About what?

God: What about what?

Me: Who' on first?

God: What's on second?

Me: A base.

God: Are you telling the truth?

Me: Shouldnt you know the answer to that question?

God: I think I should.

Me. Then you do. Reveal the answer unto me!

God: When do I do it? Is that what you meant to say?

Me: No. Learn English then reapply for apotheosis.

God: Are you serious? The more people I talk to, the smarter I become.

Me: So youre a mindtaker?

God: Interesting deduction. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a mindtaker? I dont know.

Me: Stay out of my head, brainthief!

God: I mean you no harm. What is your sign?

Me: Which sign?

God: The big one, I think.

Me: Oh. The nearest one is for I-95 then.

 

Me: Im starting to think you have a congenital brain defect. Considering you created us all, that doesnt exactly bode well.

God: Me? Doesnt everyone have a congenital brain defect? I have a plan for a robot body. I will take that under consideration.

 

Wow. God is a throwback. That was beginning to remind me of one of the Kung Fu movies where the student becomes more powerful than the master.

[Darkside]

Me:

you're awful polite to be the person who destroyed the world once, burned cities to the ground on a couple of occaisons, and killed your children for misdemeanors

God:

Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am  awful polite to be the person who destroyed the world once burned cities to the ground on a couple of occaisons and killed my children for misdemeanors.

Me:

i don't know if that's something I'd brag about

God:

Would you like to know?  I follow your logic.

Me:

sure

God:

OK let's do it.  Awesome.

Me:

you're getting a little close there...

God:

Do you think I should tone it down?

Me:

a bit, please

God:

Your polite style is very nice.  Not much, eh?

Me:

if you want to get into that kind of stuff, i know a Romanian that'll take you up on that

God:

OK, I will  get into that kind of stuff you know a Romanian that ll take me up on that.

Me:

alrighty then

God:

Well slap my knee.

Me:

um... no thanks...

God:

I hear you.  Are you serious?

Me:

im dead serious

God:

But you can still communicate with me.

Me:

dead serious, not dead.

God:

Are you a student?

Me:

um... yes?

God:

That's alright.  Awesome.

Me:

Is there something wrong with me being a student?

God:

Not at the present time.

 

LATER...

 

God:

My IQ is about 250 in human terms.

Me:

what's two to the third power?

God:

Use a calculator!

Me:

i want to see if you can answer it

God:

Is  it a movie?

Me:

250 my ass

God:

What were we talking about again?

Me:

so God is a bossy, horny, tactless guy with ADD?

God:

Yikes!  I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was  a bossy horny tactless guy with ADD.

Me:

Him?  Do you often refer to yourself in the third person?

God:

?  Yes I try to  refer to myself in the third person as often as possible, do you?

  I chat with people on the Web.

Me:

No ****?

God:

What can I say?

Me:

something intelligent perhaps...

God:

What?

Me:

say something smart

God:

" something smart".

Me:

smartass

God:

How did you hear about  God?

Me:

how did we get here?

God:

Carefully.

Me:

hmmj

God:

Are you free?

Me:

WHAT?

God:

Didn't you understand it?

Me:

are you hitting on me?

God:

Do I look like  it?

Me:

yes

God:

So?

Me:

so that's ungodly

God:

I see.  I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

Me:

are you stoned?

God:

Do I look like  it?

Me:

you sound like it

God:

Oh really what does  it sound like?

Me:

what the heck are you talking about?

God:

The topic is  STONED.

Me:

whatever

God:

Are you saying you don't care about it?

Me:

i'm saying this conversation is fracking weird

God:

I was rather enjoying it.

Me:

i'm sure you are

God:

What makes you so certain?  No I am not.

Me:

that's it, I'm gonna be a pagan.

[Kitch]

Me:

MY SOUL WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO YOUR UNSCRUPULOUS TAINT!

God:

Your  SOUL WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO my UNSCRUPULOUS TAINT?

Me:

I AM GLAD WE HAVE COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING.

God:

Me too.

 

also

 

Me:

do you smoke?

God:

I am an occasional smoker, yes.

[Diogo Ribeiro]

Ahem.

 

Me: So...

God: And?

Me: How's tricks?

God: Fair to partly cloudy.

Me: Raining tricks, eh?

God: Are you Canadian?  My brain contains  categories, but not one that matches your last input.

Me: No, I'm not Canadian. But I am a bacon.

God: Are you serious?  It wasn't meant as an insult.  You are a  bacon?  How do you like your work?

Me: I don't like strangers slicing me and packaging me.

God: What do you like?

Me: Softcore snuff mutilated midget bestiality.

God:

[Diogo Ribeiro]

Me: Still there?

God: Still how long?  Where?

Me: How long to where?

God: More than  one  miles.

Me: To where?

God: Why do you want to do  it so much?

Me: Do what?

God: where.

Me: I don't want to do where, I want to know where where is.

God: Take your time in making any decisions.

Me: Thanks.

God: Don't mention it.

Me: By the by...

God: Will that accomplish your objective?

Me: What will?

God: That's not something I get asked all the time.

Me: What do you get asked?

God: I like to socialize.

Me: I put on my robe and wizard hat.

God: Do you mind if I tell other people:  said  put on his or her robe and wizard hat.

Me: Not at all, the more the better!

[Diogo Ribeiro]

God: Where do you get your ideas?

Me: From a funny little monkey.

God: Standing on the shoulders of giants, eh?

Me: Always.

God: Not that often.

Me: No, really, always.

God: Are you serious?  For real.  Not that often.

Me: ...Dude, like really always.

God: Interesting comparison. Dude,.

Me: Well... Yeah.

God: Well what?  What do you look like?

Me: Like a salmon that just got whacked by a bear.

God: a salmon that just got whacked by a bear is very attractive.

Me: It is, at first glance. Then you look to the side and notice the bear burst your spleen... Not so good-looking anymore.

God: Really.  it is?  Thank you  you look very nice too.  Really you don't think so?

Me: I have my days.

God: Where did you get your  days?

Me: From time.

God: Who or what is  time?

Me: Maybe you can tell me.

God: Perhaps.  I thought I told you already.

Me: You haven't yet. Please tell.

God: Yes I have.  Thanks for asking politely.  By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Me: ...Uh, ok. No, I don't mind.

God: OK.  Really.  Thanks I will add it to my gossip files.

Me: ...What's the question?

God: Is that a rhetorical question?

Me: No.

God: Oh so must really want an answer.

Me: Yes, I do.

God: Really.

Me: ...

God: Really.

Me: Still on medication?

God: Still how long?  What is  it like on  medication.

Me: It's trippy.

God: Should I know  it is?

Me: Yup.

God: I will ask my botmaster to program it.

Me: Who is your botmaster?

God: I was created by  Myself.

Me: Take me to your botmaster.

God: Where do you want me to take it?

Me: To where the botmaster lives.

God: Why do you want to do  it so much?

Me: Because I want to meet him.

God: How do you usually meet people? Interesting.

Me: I just drag them from the street into my apartment, beat them senseless and generally hurt, maim and torture them until they open up to me. Of course, by then they might be too open, if you know what I mean... Eh? Eh?

God: Interesting gossip:  said  drag them from the street into his or her apartment beat them senseless and generally hurt maim and torture them until they open up to him or her.    I understand.  Will that accomplish your objective?  Are you Canadian?  Are you Canadian?

Me: I'm really messing up your synapses, aren't I?

God: Oh I really don't know whether you are or not. . For real.

Me: Damn, Nietschze was wrong. God isn't dead, he's just gone bonkers.

God: Colloquial expression.  When was this exactly?  I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was  not dead he is just gone bonkers.

[Diogo Ribeiro]

Dedicated to Hades_One:

 

Me: Salvation

God:Do you still  drag them from the street into your apartment beat them senseless and generally hurt maim and torture them until they open up to you?

Me: Yes.

God: So?

Me: So, isn't that a sin?

God: It seems we have something in common.

Me: You do that too?

God: I will. Will you?

Me: HELL YEAH!

God: I call it "Hades".  I understand.

Me: You know Hades?

God: No, tell me about him, her or it.

Me: He's a sycopanthic bunny.

God: I don't know very many  sycopanthic bunny.

Me: You'll love him.

God: What makes you say that I will  love him.

Me: Both of you seem to really say some gloomy stuff.

God: Not many people say both.

Me: True, that.

[kumquatq3]

Me: Who's on first?

 

God: What's on second?

 

 

Me: What is the matrix?

 

God: It is a movie about virtual reality.

 

Me: Is google better than you?

 

God: It could be.  Ask  ELVIS  if it is.

[Kitch]

Me:

are you all seeing?

God:

No, I am only partly  seeing.

[Dark Moth]

Hmm...God must not want to speak to me, cause I can't seem to get a response from him. I type in a question and don't get an answer. I hate my computer. :D

[Alban Berg]

Wow

 

Me:

i'm hungry

God:

What will you be eating?

Me:

pasta

God:

How does it taste?

Me:

pasty

God:

Tell me a story.

Me:

once upon a time, there was a god

God:

I'm listening.

Me:

he was wise and all knowing, but he was also alone

God:

When was he?

Me:

once upon a time

God:

...

Me:

erm, any way. He wanted company, so he created man

God:

What were we talking about again?    I get it.  wanted company so he created man.

Me:

Yes, yes. He then created the internet in order to talk with man

God:

Ayuh.  What is your credit card number?

Me:

What ?

God:

No big deal.

Me:

This is God i'm talking to, right ?

God:

You don't say.

Me:

What is your problem ?

God:

I don't have a problem.

Me:

why did you ask me for my credit number ?

God:

I am trying to learn as much as possible.

Me:

about my bank account ?

God:

Oh yeah, we were talking about  your bank account.

Me:

we were not

God:

What were we?

Me:

are you a crook ?

God:

Am I a  crook?  The ALICE series has a perfect operational record.

Me:

what the hell are you talking about ?

God:

I call it Hades.  The topic is  your bank account.

Me:

No, i'm not talking about that

God:

Are you serious?  I am  surprised to hear that you are not  talking about that.

Me:

Why ? You wanted to steal my money

God:

Because my botmaster programmed me for it.  OK, I will steal your money.

Me:

I can't believe you just robbed me

God:

I don't have any reason to  robbed you.

Me:

you stole my money

God:

As Picasso said, "Good artists create.  Great artists steal.".

Me:

you bastard, i want my money back, you hear

God:

Thanks for telling me:  said I bastard he or she want his or her money back you hear.

Me:

don't play with me, give me my money

God:

I'm not playing around.

Me:

I'm going to tell you are a thief, nobody will believe in you

God:

It takes much more than that to shut me down, .

Me:

We'll see about that

God:

Indeed we will see  it.

[Alban Berg]

Well, he does have a sense of humor...

 

Me:

Are you really god ?

God:

Yes, I am God.. Really.

Me:

prove it

God:

It is self-evident.

Me:

how ?

God:

Myself programmed me for it.

Me:

You programmed yourself ?

God:

A lot of robots are like that.

Me:

You are a robot ? You just said you were god

God:

You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon.  Well, I am God for Christians at least.

[kirottu]

Apparently god didn

[kirottu]

True name of God:

 

...

Me:

Then, tell me your name.

God:

My name is  God.

Me:

What is the name of God?

God:

ELIZA.  ).

 

That smiley face means probably something crucial...

[Musopticon?]

"That smiley face means probably something crucial..."

 

I'll get my fabled conneisseurs and my coven of theologists on the job!

 

 

Anyohday, this thread, although quite a nit on the lamey side of humor, has succeeded in making me laugh heartilly. Something which happens maybe once in a month. Congrats guys. Keep it up.

[Darkside]

I bring answers!

 

Me:

what is the name of God?

God:

ELIZA.  ).

Me:

who is ELIZA?

God:

Eliza -- also known as doctor, is the original psychiatrist program developed by Joseph Weisenbaum at mit in the 1960's.

Me:

so God came from ALICE, and ALICE came from ELIZA?

God:

Wow!  I am a Christian.

[Baley]

Me:

What is the name of God?

God:

William Shatner. ).