Jump to content

Anyone know any starwars jokes?


Recommended Posts



The PC'er has avoided Gates' Sith troopers and has infiltrated the gaming store of Davik Kang.......



Davik: "What do we have here? PC buyers in the game store? So you thought you'd buy the PC version for your gaming pleasure, and leave me high and dry when the x-box profits turn to dust? Sorry, but that aint gonna happen."


Calo: "I'll take care of them. I've been looking forward to this for a long time."


Davik: "Make it quick Calo Darth Gates means business. If we don't make more

x-box sales soon he'll kill us all."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knights of the Console Wars Battle on the Leviathan


(aint used exact quotes, developing story as I go, makes it more original.)


Bastila - Darth Malak


Malak - Hahahahahaha

So it is true, I had heard the rumours, but I did not think it was possible.


Our Hero - What are you talking about Malak.


Malak - What hehehe, you mean you don know. Surely you must have seen the visions, memories bubbling up to the surface.


*Vision for our hero*


Revan - No, it can't be.


Malak - Yes See that you were once Darth Revan, Lord of the XBoxers, and know that I have now taken your place.


Revan - Bastila, is this true?


Bastila - It's true. I was sent to capture Revan, to capture you. You were badly injured when Malak fired on your ship, and I used the force to preserve your life.


Malak - Tell the truth Bastila, you wanted to taste the power of the XBox for yourself.


Bastila - NO


Malak - Enough talk. *Stasis field on Bastila and Carth*. now Revan, we will face each other, in single combat, master vs apprentice, as it was always meant to be


*Skip to Revan caught in stasis field*


Bastila - This isnt over Malak.


Malak - Your friends do not give up easily revan, you always could inspire loyalty in your gamers.


Bastila - FOR THE PC


Carth - Bastila NO hes to strong. NOOOO


*Door closes*


Revan - We have to help her.


Carth - Bastila sacrifieced herself so we could find the XBox. If we dont find the last PC memory part, well never find it, and the Republic of PCGamers will be overun by XBox consoles and games.


Revan - All Alright fine. *Whispers* Ill kill you Malak. I swear on the Force Feedback, I will kill you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites



Microsoft Lackey: "Lord Gates the x-box is operating at 300% of our expectations. Each day we add new titles to our console range."


Darth Gates: "Patience commander. My new apprentice is nearly ready. Once we add George Lucas and his 'star wars' franchise to our enormous company we shall be invincible. Then we can begin our conquest of the gaming market."

Link to comment
Share on other sites



Master Zhaar: "Well done apprentice you have only one more trial to complete. Then you will be a full member of the Jedi order."


PC: "What must I do."


Master Zhaar: "There is a disturbance in the force, a dark power has corrupted the gamers."


PC: "You want me to kill these infected gamers?"


Master Zhaar: "These gamers are only part of the problem. You must find the cause of the darkness."


*In the ancient grove we find Juhanni playing on her x-box*


PC: "Who are you?"


Juhanni: "I am Juhanni. And this is my x-box."


PC: "You've been corrupting the gamers."


Juhanni: "Yes they can feel the power of my x-box."


PC: "The x-box is a tool of the darkside, it is corrupting all the gamers. I've been sent by the council to cleanse the grove."


Juhanni: "The council sent you to kill me?"


PC: "I have no desire to kill you Juhanni."


Juhanni: "But how can my masters take me back?"


PC: "Turn away from the x-box. Return to the PC, come back to the light."

Link to comment
Share on other sites



Malak: "The PC version's sale list is too long. We cannot risk them beating our profits. Destroy the entire version."


Saul: "The other gameing markets are defenceless against our assult my lord. The PC version is in ruins. They are offering no resistance."


Malak: "Resume the bombardment Commander. Wipe every other pathetic console from the face of the galaxy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knights of the Console Wars The Top of the Rakatan Temple


Bastila - Revan I knew you'd come for me. Malak thought you might be afraid to enter the temple again, but he doesnt know you like I do. Not any more.


Revan - I sense the Dark Side in you, dont say...


Bastila - Yes! I am an XBox apprentice. Malak is teaching me the secrets of the XBox. Your puny PC is nothing to us.


Revan - No


*Fighting, saber sounds yada yada yada*


Bastila - You are stronger than I thought. Join me, and together we will rule the galxy.


Revan - I am not the XBox Revan, I serve the PC now.


Bastila - Reclaim your lost identity. You can beat Malak. You are the true Dark Lord of the XBox.


Revan - I am a servant of the PC now.


Bastila - Together we could have defeated Malak and ruled over an XBox empire, but now, I will be at Malaks side.


*Bastila flees etc etc etc*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sith servent: Lord Malak some of the other consoles have penetrated our sales defences and landed on our profit margins.


Malak: This is not unexpected. The other consoles are formidable opponents. Send a special offer on our x-box games.


Sith servent: I have news about our profits.


Malak: Ah yes our profits. Did our special offer do its job.


SA: No my lord. They are still cutting into our profits.


Malak: Strange. i did not think any consoles could resist our marketing.


SA: It was the pc my lord.


Malak: Yes that would explain why our offers failed. Very well, send in a 3 for 2 offer. And a 50% off as well.


S: you think that will stop the pc


Malak: of course not but it will give me time to fuly activate the x-box

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knights of the Console Wars Revan vs Bastila (StarForge/XBox)


Bastila - Revan, I knew you'd come for me.


Revan - Turn away from XBox Bastila, its not to late.


Bastila - Your wasting our time, I have seen the PCs for what they are, weak and corrupt. Now you must pay the price. (get it) Here on the XBox the Dark Side is at its strongest. This time you will not defeat.


*does all that stasis field stuff*

*fighting with the swishing and the swooshing and the wing wing wing*


Bastila - You are growing weary, I can sense it. The PC is failing you, while the processing power of the XBox re-energizes me.


Revan - Then strike me down Bastila. I wont defend myself


Bastila - What type of trick is this?


Revan - No trick Bastila. Remember who you were, you wont strike down a defenceless opponent.


Bastila - I am an Xbox apprentice now. You place to much faith in the PC I used to play, and for that, you shall fall.


*More fighting*

*Im to lazy to type anything about the fighting, so just accept this*


Bastila - No, this isnt possible. You have rejected the XBox, you are a weak and pathectic servant of the PC, why cant I defeat you


Revan - Now you see the PC has more processing power than the XBox


Bastila - Yes, I see you speak the truth. Please end it quickly.


Revan - I could never kill you Bastila.


Bastila - What other choice do you have. I have fallen to the XBox, you cannot let me live.


*skipping ahead of the sob story*


Revan - I love you Bastila, and I beleive in you


Bastila - I will use my Battle Resolution to aid the PC fleet, and you said you loved me. This may not be the best time to say it but I love you to, with all my heart


*You guessed it, we are fast forwarding again*


Bastila - Good luck my love, and may the PC be with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knights of the Console Wars Revan vs Malak Final Battle


Malak - You are strong Revan, stronger than you ever were playing the XBox, I did not think that was possible.


Revan - Turn away from the XBox Malak. It doesnt have as many options as the PC.


Malak - Save your preaching. You are many things Revan, and a preacher is not one of them. Saviour, Conquer, Hero, Villain. You are all these things Revan and yet you are nothing


*Fast forward to Malak dying*


Malak - Im...Impossible, I cannot be beaten, I am the Dark Lord of the Xbox


Revan - Now you see the PC is faster than the XBox


*skipping past Malaks sob story, which im sure none ofyou want to hear*


Malak - I suppose you speak the truth. And now as the black colour scheme of the XBox takes me I am nothing.


*Revan goes to Ebon Hawk*


Carth - There you are, what happened


Revan - There was no way to save Malak I had to kill him.


Bastila - I dont think anyone actually expected Malak could be saved. Im suprised you would think of trying


*with that they escape the exploding XBox*

(I leave the celebration scene to OrganizedChaos)

(Its over)


Link to comment
Share on other sites





Admiral Dodonna: On behalf of the people of the gaming community I thank you for saving us all form the threat of the x-box. I am proud to award you all with the 'medal of gaming'. Whereever you go in the gaming community you wil be recognised as saviors of the PC, the hero's of our age.


Master Vandar: PC players, defenders of the gaming republic, and sworn protectors of gaming freedom. You have done well to defeat the villany of Darth Gates and his x-box. But beware a PC'er must always be on guard against any future threarts to the gaming market for this is the destiny of a pc'er. Ever will there be a new console to threaten to our gaming republic.



(For now)







Darth Gates is brooding in his lair. Despite the setback of having his prized X-box defeated in sales he is planning his comeback. When the x-box 2 comes online it will be a dark day for the gaming community. But the PC'ers will always be there to save the day.......


Cue credits.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Revan's speech to the Republic.


I would single handedly win da vor on da Sith, by trackin Malak to his secret location, jumping outa da Ebon Hawk, through space. Landing on his secret base, fightin me way through da base, killin da enemy Sith. Then I vould find Malak, and snap his neck like a defencless little gizka. Then I vould find his accomplice deep witin da Korriban caves, and shoot him repeatedly, with large caliber veapons, then I vould jump home to Coruscant, train with me lightsaber, kiss Bastila, and drink some Tarisian Ale.


Based on this movie. (You will know which part I am talking about)

60 Seconds

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The top 33 sexually suggestive lines from the original Star Wars Trilogy:


A New Hope

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."


The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"


Return of the Jedi:

13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)

12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han)

11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master." (Emperor)

10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)

9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)

8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab." (Lando)

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)

6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)

5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." (Jerjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." (Darth)

4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)

3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)

2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)

1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So.....um....does anyone who has both platforms, and originally decided they were going PC change their minds so they could get KotOR2 sooner?  Or worse yet, are actually buying an Xbox to play it first?  DAMN YOU DARTH LUCAS AND MASTER GATES!!!


Nah I was always going to rent or buy the Xbox version.


Revan ignites his lightsaber which stutters and fails because of a bug. Malek then smashes him over the head with a 1 ton Xbox :D

I have to agree with Volourn.  Bioware is pretty much dead now.  Deals like this kills development studios.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Worst Star Wars joke ever:


Who da man?

Yoda man!

"My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian tourist
I am Dan Quayle of the Romans.
I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.
Heja Sverige!!
Everyone should cuffawkle more.
The wrench is your friend. :bat:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading the first page of this thread I've got two one of two conclusions:


No Starwars jokes are funny.




None of you are funny.


Take your pick.

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."


- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials


"I have also been slowly coming to the realisation that knowledge and happiness are not necessarily coincident, and quite often mutually exclusive" - meta

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...