Funny Stuff: The Funny Awakens

[Raithe]

okay, so. here’s the thing.

when i was in middle school, the stem program i was in required us to do science fair as part of the curriculum. a pretty decent handful of us made it all the way to the tricounty regional fair, which was as high as we could go in the junior division. and one of the things i had to learn to win at science fair was a good business handshake to greet the judges with - something not too soft but not too firm, nice and crisp and decisive. i practiced this handshake with my dad until he deemed it Just Right, and off to the science fair i went with my newly calibrated Perfect Business Handshake at the ripe old age of twelve.

(this continued to serve me well in various other contexts, and i treasure every instance of watching someone visibly double-take over the fact that i - a squishy-looking 5′1 teenage girl - had casually deployed a Perfect Business Handshake.)

this all changed when i started doing construction work.

men who do construction work take firm handshakes to the next goddamn level. construction worker handshakes are a check to both parties’ professional pride, establishing to each other that they have the calluses and forearm muscles appropriate to their station. construction worker handshakes are ‘we are both using the other person’s hand as a grip strength checker’ handshakes. construction worker handshakes are like bricks. 

(source: the many, MANY handshakes i’ve experienced at the union hall. carpenters local 197 represent.)

most importantly, however, construction worker handshakes would have eaten my perfect business handshake for breakfast. i had to up my game, so i recalibrated to match the standing expectation of ‘the right amount of firmness is the maximum grip output you are capable of.’ which was all well and good for a while, because the only people i was handshaking were other construction workers! i got a couple considering nods out of this! life is going swimmingly!

… except then one day my dad, an accountant, gets an assistant to help at his home office. a very skinny and desk-work-inclined assistant, to whom i am summarily introduced.

“this is jay, he’s going to be helping me out this tax season,“ dad says. “jay, this is kelly.“

i say “hi, nice to meet you,” and reach forwards for a handshake.

now, the thing you have to keep in mind is that i’d just come home from a long day at work. i am very tired, i am operating on pure autopilot, and my handshake has been calibrated for construction worker grip strength for the last year and a half. absolutely nowhere in my mind is the concept that perhaps a CPA’s assistant might not be expecting that. nowhere in my mind is the thought that perhaps i should dredge up my old business handshake for the current situation. but it really should have been, because you know what happened next?

he puts his hand in mine, and i crush it like a soda can. 

[Gfted1]

[rjshae]

[Raithe]

[Chilloutman]

[teknoman2]

journalism 101

[Gfted1]

[Malcador]

 

[Keyrock]

4 minutes ago, Malcador said:

 

Jackie Chan looks disappointed.

[Raithe]

[Raithe]

[Guard Dog]

Alright Buddy. Let’s settle this s—t once and for all!

[teknoman2]

[Raithe]

[Skarpen]

[majestic]

 

[Raithe]

[Raithe]

"Siri Google Alexa" is a complete sentence.

[Guard Dog]

9 minutes ago, Raithe said:

"Siri Google Alexa" is a complete sentence.

wow. I am sitting here racking my brain trying to think if there is any other series of words in the English language that can form a complete sentence with three proper nouns. I got nothing

[Raithe]

2 minutes ago, Guard Dog said:

wow. I am sitting here racking my brain trying to think if there is any other series of words in the English language that can form a complete sentence with three proper nouns. I got nothing

Of course, to make it grammatically correct.. it would have to be "Siri, Google Alexa."

[Raithe]

[Raithe]

And because it's always worthwhile as the occasional repost...

 

The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

MAXIM 1: Pillage, then burn.
MAXIM 2: A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.
MAXIM 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
MAXIM 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
MAXIM 5: Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
MAXIM 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
MAXIM 7: If the food is good enough the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire.
MAXIM 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the air lock.
MAXIM 9: Never turn your back on an enemy.
MAXIM 10: Sometimes the only way out is through… Through the hull.
MAXIM 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.
MAXIM 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
MAXIM 13: Do unto others.
MAXIM 14: "Mad science" means never stopping to ask "what's the worst thing that could happen?"
MAXIM 15: Only you can prevent friendly fire.
MAXIM 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
MAXIM 17: The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.
MAXIM 18: If the officers are leading from in front, watch for an attack from the rear.
MAXIM 19: The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer.
MAXIM 20: If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win.
MAXIM 21: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
MAXIM 22: If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong.
MAXIM 23: The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
MAXIM 24: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun.
MAXIM 25: If a manufacturer's warranty covers the damage you did, you didn't do enough damage.
MAXIM 26: "Fire and forget" is fine, provided you never actually forget.
MAXIM 27: Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
MAXIM 28: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid to bring ammunition home with you.
MAXIM 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy, no more, no less.
MAXIM 30: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
MAXIM 31: Only cheaters prosper.
MAXIM 32: Anything is amphibious if you can get it back out of the water.
MAXIM 33: If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.
MAXIM 34: If you're leaving scorch marks, you need a bigger gun.
MAXIM 35: That which does not kill me has made a tactical error.
MAXIM 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
MAXIM 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."
MAXIM 38: What's easy for you can still be hard on your clients.
MAXIM 39: There is a difference between "spare" parts and "extra" parts.
MAXIM 40: Not all good news is enemy action.
MAXIM 41: "Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this."
MAXIM 42: "They'll never expect this" means "I want to try something stupid."
MAXIM 43: If it's stupid and it works, it's still stupid and you're lucky.
MAXIM 44: If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool.
MAXIM 45: The size of the combat bonus is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.
MAXIM 46: Don't try to save money by conserving ammunition.
MAXIM 47: Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.
MAXIM 48: If it ain't broke, it hasn't been issued to the infantry.
MAXIM 49: Every client is one missed payment away from becoming a target, and every target is one bribe away from becoming a client.
MAXIM 50: If it only works in exactly the way the manufacturer intended, it is defective.
MAXIM 51: Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
MAXIM 52: The army you've got is never the army you want.
MAXIM 53: The intel you've got is never the intel you want.
MAXIM 54: It's only too many troops if you can't pay them.
MAXIM 55: It's only too many weapons if they're pointing in the wrong direction.
MAXIM 56: Infantry exists to paint targets for people with real guns.
MAXIM 57: Artillery exists to launch large chunks of budget at an enemy it cannot actually see.
MAXIM 58: The pen is mightiest when it writes orders for swords.
MAXIM 59: Two wrongs is probably not going to be enough.
MAXIM 60: Any weapon's rate of fire is inversely proportional to the number of available targets.
MAXIM 61: Don't bring big grenades into small rooms.
MAXIM 62: Anything labeled "This end toward enemy" is dangerous at both ends.
MAXIM 63: The brass knows how to do it by knowing who can do it.
MAXIM 64: An ounce of sniper is worth a pound of suppressing fire.
MAXIM 65: After the toss, be the one with the pin, not the one with the grenade.
MAXIM 66: Necessity is the mother of deception.
MAXIM 67: If you can't carry cash, carry a weapon.
MAXIM 68: Negotiating from a position of strength does not mean you shouldn't also negotiate from a position near the exits.
MAXIM 69: Sometimes rank is a function of firepower.
MAXIM 70: Failure is not an option; it is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do.

[Raithe]

[Raithe]

[Raithe]