Let's create the worst fantasy setting ever.

[Syraxis]

Every lvl 1 and above NPC should speak Words of Power with 0 casting time and as a 20/day racial ability.

And the official greeting in warrior guilds is to cut off one finger.

 

What happens if one runs out of fingers? Toes?

[SteveThaiBinh]

What happens if one runs out of fingers? Toes?

Presumably you exchange fingers with the warrior you are greeting, so you would always have 10 fingers (though not necessarily attached).

[Monte Carlo]

^ The obvious answer is Regeneration - the worst fantasy setting would be heavily powagaemed and munchkin-central.

[Oner]

What happens if one runs out of fingers? Toes?

Presumably you exchange fingers with the warrior you are greeting, so you would always have 10 fingers (though not necessarily attached).

Exactly. Hey, if losing your fingers as a part of greeting your boss isn't a bad setting, then nothing is.

 

MC, munchkining(?) doesn't make the setting bad, only the rules.

Edited June 21, 2009 by Oner

[Darth InSidious]

And for a eight-thousand years they were at war with the Dwarf-Kings of Spukkelsturm, the Hidden Fiefdom of the Nine Mountains and the Eighth Mishap of Taraglock The Dyspepsic.

The Dwarf-Kings of Sppkklstrrm should speak Grkkvfgg, a language notable for having absolutely no vowels.

Pr'fcct!

[Rostere]

The hero(ine) that wins the day is the reincarnation of a former hero(ine) that defeated the Uber Bad Guy/Girl in ages past.

 

Yeah, and let her name be Alys... or Jill perhaps? I can't decide which would be the most clich

[Walsingham]

Every possible action a person can take is contained in a tome called Heavenlyhair's Comportment. This tells you whether what you are about to do is good or evil. One cross indexes this with the tattoo your parents put on your inside wrist to tell you whether you are good or evil and what your option is. Good and evil never change and neither does your viewpoint. The book is in 50 volumes and is sometimes stitched into a suit of armour, but is always carried at all times.

 

Failure to carry the book results in being incapable of doing anything and is equivalent to being knocked unconscious. It happens frequently in private detective novels.

 

Any action not already detailed in the book, or which has been somehow lost, is quite literally impossible. Which is why science has yet to advance beyond the stage of wooden carts and iron swords.

[Meshugger]

Excellent thread, i crave for MOAR.

[HoonDing]

When the hero finally faces off against the Uber Bad Guy/Girl (usually Guy), the hero gets beaten badly but the Uber Bad Guy somehow refuses to finish things and in a final twist (a cutting remark, an unexpected flourish or a sneer at the Uber Bad Guy "having nobody that loves him") the hero swiftly turns the tables and delivers the killing blow.

[Meshugger]

We need someone to compile all this data in order to create the ultimate NWN mod. It would be the best ever, outselling WoW, Halo and CoD combined.

Edited June 23, 2009 by Meshugger

[Cycloneman]

Names for countries in this setting: Kju'han, Fa'gusr, Xfoj'iad, Gfu'igjal, Izuxf'g, Uoa'fgy, Ucfo'g, Ifj'agy, X'uzfgik, Fd'oig, Fg'ijx, and Xo'jd. Yes, I made those just by jamming on the keyboard and deleting the semicolons and numbers, then adding in random apostrophes.

Edited June 23, 2009 by Cycloneman

[Oner]

Ifj'agy

Youngbrain. o.O

[Cycloneman]

Ifj'agy

Youngbrain. o.O

Welp. Turns out the Hungarian language was created by man pounding randomly on typewriter.

[Oner]

Ifj'agy

Youngbrain. o.O

Welp. Turns out the Hungarian language was created by man pounding randomly on typewriter.

Or randomly stabbing at paper..Oh wait, we didn't use that yet. Er..

[Monte Carlo]

Our heroes are a farm-boy who discovers a magic sword in a hay-bale, a mysterious wandering gypsy with a magical lute and the ability to charm snakes, a sullen elf hideously scarred after Torture By Orcs , a drunken dwarf with an axe and a ludicrously hot female cleric who has sworn a vow of Utter Chastity, which allows for moments of comic relief when the dwarf is even drunker than usual.

 

They are brought together by a Very Old Wizard (who has a secret, oh yes he does) and given the Widget of Power, which must be taken to the King of the Dwarves. Drunken dwarf is banished from this clan for reasons of stubborn dwarven pride.

 

Their enemy is Ifj'agy, a five hundred pound evil warrior with blue hair and a horned helmet in the shape of an octopus, a big Black Sword and a castle with a skull-shaped gate. He is in thrall to Xfoj'iad, a narcoleptic lich (slumbering evil, geddit?) who has stolen his mortal soul and is hawking it around to evil but hot demon chicks. Later in the plot drunken dwarf will find this hilarious.

 

En route our heroes seek sanctuary in Cutehaven, home to the teddy-bear like Ewok / Hobbit hybrids called the H'zk'jop (one of whom joins them but is sadly slain saving the troupe of adventurers from an army of orcs led by Ifj'agy.

 

After the Widget is delivered to the Dwarf King, hot cleric chick loses her powers after she declares her undying love for the farm-boy. Sullen, hideously scarred elf learns the folly of prejudice against dwarves and wandering gypsy becomes a powerful sorcerer.

 

Honestly, this all comes naturally. What happens next?

[Calax]

We're missing the tiny race that is only in the tale to provide comic relief. You know, Kender, or Gnomes, hobbits (sometimes) etc?

[HoonDing]

One of the hero's party members must of course also betray the main hero, not to mention the hero must befriend a snarky, talking pet during the epic quest (preferably a tiny dragon that got cast out by his brethren because of his size and the inability to breathe fire).

[Monte Carlo]

^ Good point, I'm wondering if hot cleric chick being possessed by an evil spirit would suffice? Being the Worst Fantasy Setting Ever this means that she can be redeemed, and indeed subsequently romanced in a series of unconvincing cut-scenes.

 

Honestly, I'm expecting a PM from Bioware at, like, any minute.

 

The snarky pet is too much fun. I'll not hog all the good stuff, someone else can have a go at that one.

 

I'm trying to figure out where the psycho elven anti-hero fits in, don't worry I'll get there, will probably involve a portal or a curse or a djinn in a bottle.

 

Cheers

MC

[Monte Carlo]

Naturally, by the way, Hot Cleric Chick is in fact the farm-boys long-lost sister. Cruelly scarred elf gets the girl, but not before he is turned to stone and captured by bounty hunters.

 

[Calax]

Naturally, by the way, Hot Cleric Chick is in fact the farm-boys long-lost sister. Cruelly scarred elf gets the girl, but not before he is turned to stone and captured by bounty hunters.

 

And there are hints of romantic tension between the cleric and the hero until they learn about their family connection, then it drops faster than a brick into a black hole.

[HoonDing]

Or it is revealed that the hero was in fact conceived by the lich in a vile magical experiment involving the blood of newborn children, jackal teeth & the eye of a Kraken, to create the ultimate Champion of Evil - but the experiment turned awry when the lich was distracted by a boob flash of one of his scantilly clad succubi and the infant was transported across the world in the barn of a random farming family who took up the child and raised it as their own.

 

So the hero would then finally learn of his heritage after facing and defeating one of the lich's powerful henchmen, who would splutter it out with his dying breath and leave the hero behind crying "Nooooooooooo!!!" in despair and cause a lot of tension with the hot cleric --- even causing the hot cleric to leave the hero's adventuring party only to be kidnapped by another henchman of the lich, forcing to hero to go and save the damsel in distress who would of course be locked in a tower with seventy-seven floors, each of them guarded by a Demon Prince and a three-headed hellhound.

[Monte Carlo]

We need to be careful with this stuff. It's freaking CRPG dynamite and we're just touting it around an open forum with no copyright.

[Slowtrain]

Honestly, I'm expecting a PM from Bioware at, like, any minute.

 

 

No, they are scribbling furiously trying to get it all down, while wondering why they never thought of all these great ideas.

 

Actually, there's probably a lot of fantasy authors taking notes as well.

[Darth InSidious]

The Lich is also preparing to extend his powers to infinity via a dark ritual hidden in the Black Codex of Mng-Klushvush, The Sneezing Abhorrence With A Thousand Tendrils From Beyond The Abyss, one of the eight Dark Gods . The Black Codex is naturally written entirely in an ancient and very obscure dialect Grkkvfgg... inscribed in the blood of the first Dwarf-King, Gkrrrlggsg Th'frst. Who was killed in the battle to defeat the Dark Priests of Mng-Klushvush in the First War of Darkness in QX 5586. QX doesn't stand for anything, it's just the counting system imployed.

 

To do this, he will stand on the top of Mount Incontinence, the only volcano on the world, in the land of Xo'jd where the... um, shades abide. He intends to stand in stone circle of Ungthummerungel at the moment of total eclipse, activating the Talisman of Heksekek The Foul at the precise moment of eclipse.

 

Naturally, in a STUNNING PLOT TWIST (international copyrights obtained), the heros will arrive too late, and after a brief battle, he will activate the talisman, only to be consumed by the power of Heksekek, who will then turn out to be the true big bad. This is, of course, after having fought through legions of enemies whose only real job is to block the way.

 

Which brings us onto the subject of gods. There are nine gods, and eight dark gods (there were originally nine, but one got sucked up by the hoover and chucked in the bin by mistake by Mum, the mysterious Overgoddess). The gods live on Mt. Paphnutius, and some of them are Yam Greatest And Best, The Father of gods and King of men (with the portfolio for thunder and lightning), his wife, Yulie The Frowning One, goddess of bossy wives and makeup, their daughter (and Yam's only legitimate child) Bimbo Shining-Hair, goddess of negotiably priced love, hunting, blondes and total stupidity (also known in the dark hinterlands of the Distant North as Lurial The Worthy), and her daughter Lusilu, goddess of elves and long, stupid names.

 

The dark gods were banished at the dawn of time by Yam to the pits of Tartasaus, the darkest pit in Haidou, Abode of the Dead (governed by Ossides, god of bones and chartered accountancy).

 

Not that I'm sending up the classical epics at all...

 

Oh, and in the first area, there's a bookstand, which you can read. It says "Well done! You can read! Aren't you the special one? Have some XP." It instantly gives the PC enough XP to level up to lvl 3.

 

Did I mention that there are fifty classes, each with two prestige classes? There are. And hundreds of useless spells and bizarre abilities that you can use X number of times per day (such as "conduct ontological debate with aubergine"). Each of the majority of the classes are capable of using a single weapon - ranging from "sharp stick" through to magic users, all but one of which have mainly spells that are no use at all in combat, and need to go on a three week correspondence course before using any of their spells. After which they have to do a further week-long retraining-by-correspondence before they can use it again. Aside from the Faustlord, who can cast endless attacks of precisely 1 damage at enemies... mostly.

Edited June 24, 2009 by Darth InSidious

[samm]

some stuff's awesome - and in places getting way too original to be bad. I mean, mages preparing spells via correspondence, a narcoleptic lich...