Confronting people

[alanschu]

Sooooooo,

 

I have decided that I no longer want to be that person that turns a blind eye and does nothing when people are slighting me....for the most part

 

Some stuff isn't worth fighting over, but lately there was a rift in my recreational volleyball team, and I think some people might not have been really aware.

 

 

Essentially I felt that the team was yelling at its players too frequently. One guy didn't seem to mind, and while I never got yelled at (because I'd snap back), it still bothers me to see my friends get yelled at. One incident had a friend of mine of 15 years get yelled at, and he has since decided that the team isn't for him so now I'm not playing volleyball with one of my best friends (he went to his first love, soccer).

 

There was also mixed messages about how competitive we were to be as a team. It's a rec league, but it's always nice to win. But at one point people will be getting frustrated for playing poorly (individually or as a team), and the next they are trying to say that it's all just fun and games and trying to rationalize that the score isn't affecting them. We always talk about "unleashing" our best player, yet if he makes a solid hit that happens to go off a girl hard, the girls on our team get all mad at our player...even if the girl on the other team doesn't care.

 

 

 

I was just invited to rejoin the team for a roadtrip tournament, which was a blast last year, but I need to discuss these issues with the team, for myself. So I responded saying I'd like to discuss things, because I believe a large part of the problem was that I was too apprehensive to say anything because I didn't really want to hurt anyone's feelings. It led to me not doing anything, and hence sort of assuming that the people that were annoying me, knew they were annoying me. That's not necessarily true though, and it's not fair for them since if I don't mention anything, how can I expect them to change?

 

 

How much is too much though. I really just want to have a talk, and I do think that they are great people. I still respect them and certainly don't hate them (otherwise I wouldn't waste my time), but there's only so much "ignoring" I can do before things build up.

[Tigranes]

I was in your situation last year alanschu, while playing football in a rec team.. a few people who got a bit too enthusiastic and started yelling at people, several people just putting up with it silently. I sort of got by without speaking up about it, just firing back sharply enough if they directed it at me. In the end people enjoyed it quite a bit less than they might have, and several people are now looking for fresh pastures. Doesn't do anyone good.

 

When I was younger I used to think that it was best to keep quiet about these things. I think I was understanding it in terms of my own personality. Essentially they are 'little things' in life, and I don't want relationships or work to get bogged down because people can't get past them, and I didn't want to be someone who gets worked up by 'small' things like people being late. So I used to think it's best for me if I just deal with it.

 

Which is bollocks, really, because the issue isn't just about yourself, it's about the relationship you've established with other people. I realised that some people that I spent a lot of time with didn't realise they were transgressing even after several years, just because I never said a thing about it. Just things like failing to be punctual, or taking liberties of my willingness to help with certain things, or whatever. Silly things, really. And the bad thing is that if you continue to put up with it, knowingly or not it builds up inside you, and just gets you pissed at them.

 

These days I let myself say what I think a lot more, just making sure I stick to the point and don't get all purply and angry. Sometimes they respond to the point you make, sometimes they misunderstand and/or deny, or get angry/hurt, whatever. Can't be helped, really. I realised that when I was frustrated about something the presence of others who were also frustrated but silently put up with it actually ended up making all of us just suffer in silence. So I'd rather not be one of those people.

 

What the hell is up with these therapy threads? YOU WONT GET ME TO CRY

[mkreku]

One of the guys in my volleyball 'team' (we're actually just a bunch of friends) was like that. He'd yell and throw the ball away and blame his team mate (whoever that happened to be at the time since we basically rotated). So I ran into him at full force and broke his knee. He's not been back since the surgery.

 

I sound like a psychopath, don't I?

[Llyranor]

Sound?

 

You should just stick with WoW, alanschu.

[Trenitay]

Sounds like you don't want anyone to start throwing punches. Boring. But as long you're not the first one to throw a punch you haven't gone too far.

[Hurlshort]

It's not easy to find a good sports team that balances the fun and the competitiveness. To be honest, I'd recommend talking to your good friend and joining another team together, because that personal friendship is way more important than any sports team. Teams fold after awhile, friendships hopefully don't.

 

I've had a lot of experience on both sides of this issue. I play Ice Hockey, and I've had a few issues with teams I've been on. My previous team ended oddly. I liked the majority of the guys on the team, but the two guys who ran it were just ultra negative. But I was playing with a good friend and so we kept on playing. Eventually when the season ended, about half of the team was not asked back to play. It was odd, because there was a fair amount of talent in the group that was not asked back, in fact I led the league in points that season. But I don't think our personalities mixed, and they made it easy on us.

 

Still, I've yelled at a few people in my time. I had one guy on our team a few seasons ago that was pretty slow. We were in the last minute of the game, and we were down by a goal. He was trying to get out on the ice, and I told him to sit. He said "I pay the same amount as everyone else" and I said "You don't show up to half the effin' games, don't expect to play in the last minute." He didn't come back the next season. I felt bad, but everyone on the team backed me up.

 

Anyways, I think you need to just look for a new team that doesn't give you anxiety like this. It's supposed to be fun, and people have different ideas about what fun is.

[Enoch]

This is how much is too much.

[Aristes]

It's kind of funny. I was on a coed softball league about ten years ago. Some folks were super competitive and I got up to bat once and *gasp* swung at a ball and a bunch of the guys started yelling at me. I threw down my bat and rushed into our dugout and managed to get a piece of someone before the whole crew ran out of it. I'm fairly big, 6'2", and (in my younger days) meaner than hell. I think that's one of the few times a player rushed his own dugout. lol Anyhow, the upshot is that I handled it wrong, no matter how funny the story is later. I've since become more religious, being one o' them born 'gain Chrishtuns, and so I would never react the same way.

 

However, the point is to react while you are still in control of your emotions. Yelling is a sign of weakness and impotence. When someone yells, it's because he cannot achieve his goals without raising his voice. So, with that in mind, I would respond by talking rationally. ...But that doesn't mean being timid. In recent years, as I am confronted with similar situations, I look the other person squarely in the eye, voice my line of reasoning, and then keep facing them as they answer me. I don't try to mad dog them or stare them down, but I don't want to give them the erroneous imression I'm cowed. Don't be cowed, and don't let folks think you are. If you're not but they think they've got you bullied, then you're actually encouraging confrontation because they'll assume you won't stand up for yourself.

 

It's best not to be in a position where you have to "stand up for yourself." Much better is to have real dialgoue. If folks know you're not going to take things lying down, they're far less likely to try to walk all over you.

 

I agree with you entirely, alan. Don't ignore things. Air them out, but in a good way. On the other hand, make sure you have a real grievance before you jump in. Talk it over in your mind. There's nothing worse than demanding your say, then having it sound lame to your own ears when you say it.

[alanschu]

I did invite my friend out to another team, but unfortunately by this time he had already decided to help his younger brother coach a soccer team on that day. So I am SOL on playing volleyball with him now. Which is part of the reason why I'm pissed off.

 

 

The only response I have gotten to my email to get together and talk was a "I just want to play volleyball" email from someone that I figured would say that. The other two people haven't responded, but I'll give them a little bit of time.

 

 

I suspect it'll be this same stuff.

[Llyranor]

Remember, if you get depressed over this, you can still ask taks for medical advice.

[Walsingham]

So I am SOL on playing volleyball with him now.

 

Satellite of Love?

[alanschu]

Yeah pretty much ahaha.

 

 

Well, I got a response from one person, that basically said "I just want to play volleyball" which is pretty much "I don't want to talk about it."

[Azure79]

So certain team members are yelling at other team members because of a perceived lack of talent?

 

And some people put up with that so they can hit a ball over a net back and forth?

 

I don't get it.

 

Then again, I've never been too emotionally invested in sports. I used to enjoy facing off against another person and trying to kick and punch them in the face, but now I'm just content to sit on my ass and watch movies and play video games.

 

Now, I'm depressed.

[alanschu]

It's not even because of a perceived lack of talent. It's stupid.

 

 

Some people started yelling because they felt a DIFFERENT person wasn't being set to frequently enough. Or because someone hit the ball hard and it happened to hit someone on the other other (usually a girl...most of the time that girl doesn't even care and isn't hurt, and it's not like we headhunt).

 

I get told that I'm too competitive, yet I heard the same people always make excuses for why the score was bad. And so forth.

 

 

It's silly, and instead of talking about things, we decide to yell at people during games.

[Llyranor]

it's not like we headhunt).

See, there's your problem. You're playing it wrong.

[thepixiesrock]

Hey guys this just in, we don't have to take Llyranor's crap anymore.

[Walsingham]

When I was coaching/captaining at university the simplest thing to do was put in a selection test. However, it sounds like you're trying tos elect for not being a **** rather than pure skillz. Do you think you could concoct a test?

[Trenitay]

A **** test?

[Walsingham]

A **** test?

 

No. A NOT **** test.

 

[Trenitay]

A **** test?

 

No. A NOT **** test.

 

 

What sorcery is this!?

[Gorgon]

Fails witty response roll.

[Walsingham]

Fails witty response roll.

 

I liked it.

[WILL THE ALMIGHTY]

Walsinghame hath spoken. Thus it was awesome.

[Trenitay]

Wrong!

[Walsingham]

I've had an idea for the test. I'm thinking it has to be pretty freeform. Simply place the candidate in a room with a table, and on the table is an egg, and a hammer. Observe.