What's your strategy for getting over a woman/man?

[alanschu]

First, I'll admit this is totally a search for tips haha.

 

Historically moving on past someone I was in a relationship was as simple as "it's over" and I would move on. My most recent one, not so much! Very annoying. I have limited contact, though we have a lot of mutual friends and we play on the same recreational Volleyball team.

 

I've mostly just been trying to keep busy, since it prevents my mind from wandering (often to her). Lately though a fair bit of withdrawal is being felt, and when not focused the mind frequently wanders to her. The worst is sleeping, where dreams lately have been frequently including her in some way.

 

 

Our relationship is a bit distant at the moment as we both take space for ourselves, but for the most part it's pretty amiable when we interact. Neither of us really harbor any ill feelings toward each other.

 

 

Oh, and to all those that don't already know (shame on you!!!!) it's complicated mostly because it was a friendship that evolved into romantic feelings for each other...which posed a small problem to the marriage she was already in!!!! As a result...it's a bit complicated because I would like to be discrete enough such that I am not fielding a ton of questions myself (I suppose her too...though I have been pretty successful in convincing myself that I can't worry so much about what happens to her).

 

Been considering dropping contact out almost entirely, but am worried it'll only make things "weird" the times we do cross paths because of mutual friends and stuff. I think I could tactfully withdraw from the volleyball team...though I'll miss playing volleyball with the team. However, I am definitely aware of her presence when playing, which is why I'm thinking that it might be best to take next season off and so forth.

 

 

Stupid emotions!!!

[Diogo Ribeiro]

You don't. You just hope time's tide will wash it away, eventually.

 

Some days you wake up and the fist thing that comes to mind is how you can no longer go "Sneak Attack!" before closing in for a kiss and make her smile by exploiting that particular gaming background you both shared. You will sit in your cubicle day after day, compiling pointless databases and shrug off the fact that dozens of clients on the listings have the same first name as her, as if the silent dead just rose from their graves and reminded you of your past. You'll smile as you read a good post on some internet forum and try to nevermind the fact that she's online; the nickname a cold, silent reminder that your object of affection is now gone. You will constantly remind yourself not to go to the bottom of your cellphone contact list because her name is *right there*, a pointless dash separating her from all others. You contemplate the silence in your bedroom as you try to push into the back of your mind whatever affection, tenderness and passion were spent under those sheets.

 

It doesn't go away. Anytime soon, at least. But as you go by, you think less and less of it. Today, it's a stone that drags your heart and mind. Someday, it'll be a pebble, a keepsake, a warm memory that will stop asking for attention. Best thing to do is to tell yourself you were happy as you could have been. Take that with you and you'll do fine.

[Pidesco]

The fetal position helps. Also, rocking back and forth while whimpering.

[alanschu]

I've done both of those a lot! Hehe.

[Hell Kitty]

Diogo wins.

 

Basically I agree that there is nothing that you can actively do, you'll just be temporarily taking your mind off the issue. Time heals all wounds and all that.

[alanschu]

Well here's hoping it's a quick one.

 

I've never been a fan of the "time" argument, and in a lot of cases where people have told me that "it takes time" (not this issue) I've typically disagreed with them and shown that being proactive can work too.

[Morgoth]

Real men don't need love. Real men only need Pizza, Beer, Pr0n and videogames.

 

Hey, it does work with me!

[Diogo Ribeiro]

Well here's hoping it's a quick one.

 

I've never been a fan of the "time" argument, and in a lot of cases where people have told me that "it takes time" (not this issue) I've typically disagreed with them and shown that being proactive can work too.

 

Whether you are being proactive or not, time keeps ticking. Being proactive simply means you are actively spending time healing the wound faster, as opposed to letting it scar painfully until you stop feeling it altogether. But it's always a question of time and in particular, what you do with it.

[Gorth]

Try winter bathing

[alanschu]

Joining the polar bear club does not seem like my cup of tea haha.

[Aristes]

If you have a good reason to skip the next volleyball season, I'd do so. Just keep in mind that taking off the next season and NOT filling the time is going to mean more time to mull. I've had this problem exactly ONE time. ~DR is pretty much right. Just let time do its thing. Even now, a few years out, my heart still stops when I think about her. ...And there was absolutely no future for us. I guess it didn't help that I'm married, which put a big damper on our friendship. I mean, nothing like having a terrible problem that you can't discuss with your wife.

 

I'll tell you, it's absolutely grueling, but you will get past it. It's as simple as that. Keep on living, and you'll recover.

 

However, I will say one thing. I've been lurking here for a bit. That doesn't really mean I know anything, but I have heard about what's going on. As a good friend, you should want her to have a successful marriage. You should want her to patch things up and be happy. However, you can't help it if you want her to be free, so don't feel guilty. If her relationship with her spouse has deteriorated to the point that she harbors romantic feelings for someone else (you), then she has two options. Find out what's wrong and do something to save her marriage or, if it cannot be saved, get out of it. If she ends up leaving her husband, then maybe that will be a sign for you to pursue (slowly or quickly) a relationship. Just don't let these feelings between you be the reason you lose a good friend. Even if it hurts a bit to be around her, a true friend is hard to come by. ...And, no matter what, you never know what the future will bring. Don't burn any bridges.

 

In the meantime, keep talking about games and giving people hell. It's especially good if you're having a hard time sleeping at a quarter to five in the morning.

[Walsingham]

I'd hope I'm as romantic as the next man, and have spent more than my fair share of time mooning about, writing bloody awful poetry.

 

The solution, however, is entirely pragmatic. You are to go out and buy two pounds of the worst quality sausages available. Cook and eat these, while thinking about her, and drinking a pint of water. It works without fail. I think it's a pavlovian thing, but it could be something in the sausages.

[Guard Dog]

My body of work in this field is extensive. My political career, business, and marriage all utterly collapsed within eight months. In that order too I might add. I was totally broke, facing foreclosure on my house, and involved in a furious and angry divorce with a woman (that I loved with ALL my heart) who said she wished I was dead more than once. For a time I started to agree with her. I got over it by staying drunk. Literally. I have almost no memory of 1998. But I can't say it did not help because after one phone conversation with her and her lawyer she dropped her attempt to take the house. I don't know what I said (in fact I have only the vaguest notion the conversation even took place) but evidently Jim Beam did more for my cause than my lawyer ever did.

 

So, take my advice, and the advice of your fellow Canadian, David Allen Coe, and try to "drink Canada dry". At least until you feel better.

[Gfted1]

Wow, a lot of good responces. Guess its my turn.

 

You're young and in college. For Christ sake man, go out, get liquored up, find some equally liquored up hottie, take her home. Repeat as necessary. Maybe get some food somewhere in the middle there.

[Walsingham]

I must concur with my learned colleague Gfted1. going out, getting angry drunk, dancing like a dervish and bringing home some fresh skinned beauty may not be a solution, but it will be a fun way to take your mind off the problem.

[Amentep]

Yeah I can't really top that advice.

[Hurlshort]

Eh, I've never been dumped, so I'm not able to help here. My advice is to always be the dumper.

 

Sometimes I write a letter that illustrates all their character flaws. That usually makes me feel better, and then I share it with everyone I know.

[Aristes]

You're just evil, Hurlshot, you rat bastard.

 

Hey, sleeping around while liquored up is great. Just make sure you don't wake up in jail with some prostitute's underwear in your pocket and needle tracks in your arms. It might get you over your ailing heart, but only because you'll end up married to bubba. And, at 6'4" and 300lbs, you'll be bubba's bitch, not the other way around.

[theslug]

What I do is preventative action against things like this. First thing i do is discard all my existing relationships and sabotage any attempts at new ones. So far I've yet to get dumped.

[Trenitay]

He may end up married to bubba but if hes 6'5'' and 250 lbs bubbas got some competition.

[alanschu]

I must concur with my learned colleague Gfted1. going out, getting angry drunk, dancing like a dervish and bringing home some fresh skinned beauty may not be a solution, but it will be a fun way to take your mind off the problem.

 

You guys are all talking like I haven't done that....

 

 

(well, not so much the getting all liquored up part haha).

 

Though I'm not as "young" as my university attendance would indicate. I'm quickly approaching 28. Though I don't consider myself old either haha.

 

I have never really been a big drinker, and mostly I don't because I think I'll probably do something stupid if I do haha.

 

Sometimes I write a letter that illustrates all their character flaws. That usually makes me feel better, and then I share it with everyone I know.

 

Haha, I tried that but it didn't really make me feel any better. It didn't make me feel any worse though. I have shared it with a few people I know. My roommate tried helping me by asking me questions like "Well how would you feel if [insert potentially bad thing here]" and my responses were always "I don't know how I'd feel" which kind of irritated him haha.

[Theseus]

You guys can still be friends, just wait a year till you dont care what **** is inside her.

 

Stay busy, preferably fun or humorous people. Also Its good to rationalize what happened wrong and make meaning out of it of how you can become a better person now. This is your chance to redefine yourself man! Big Al, this is your time to start all over and fresh. None of those old issues will count anymore.

 

You may feel like you want a girlfriend, but once you have one, you dont want one anymore lol. Theres always that constant flux of wanting and not wanting a girl.

[Diogo Ribeiro]

You guys can still be friends, just wait a year till you dont care what **** is inside her.

 

Coarse, but strangely true.

[Kaftan Barlast]

I took revenge on my evil psycho girlfriend by hooking up with a much hotter chick no more than 2 weeks after the breakup, I can definently recommend doing that

[alanschu]

However, I will say one thing. I've been lurking here for a bit. That doesn't really mean I know anything, but I have heard about what's going on. As a good friend, you should want her to have a successful marriage. You should want her to patch things up and be happy. However, you can't help it if you want her to be free, so don't feel guilty. If her relationship with her spouse has deteriorated to the point that she harbors romantic feelings for someone else (you), then she has two options. Find out what's wrong and do something to save her marriage or, if it cannot be saved, get out of it. If she ends up leaving her husband, then maybe that will be a sign for you to pursue (slowly or quickly) a relationship. Just don't let these feelings between you be the reason you lose a good friend. Even if it hurts a bit to be around her, a true friend is hard to come by. ...And, no matter what, you never know what the future will bring. Don't burn any bridges.

 

First off, I don't feel guilty nor do I regret anything. It's not so much that it doesn't hurt to be around her. It tends to be very, very easy for us both, even after all the drama. Though sometimes, it is awkward, which is never pleasant obviously. It's messed up.

 

 

(Note: I still want to protect the anonymity of the people in question, so The Girl = the girl I like, The Girlfriend = the friend of The Girl that knows what's up, and my roommate is well, my roommate haha)

 

On the advice of The Girlfriend at the end of September, The Girl told me she did not want to be contacted again by me. However, the very next day I got an invitation from her (part of a mass mailing) to come to the Halloween party she was hosting. Given the whole "don't contact me again" it seemed weird. My roommate knows about the situation since I needed somebody other than her to talk to about how I was feeling, and he said it seemed weird too. So The Girlfriend and my roommate were talking, and the friend told my roommate that I was invited because she didn't want people to ask questions (which is bullllllllllll**** and certainly not something I care about maintaining a faux friendship for). Shortly afterwards, a mutual friend invited us (and others, but it ended up just being the 3 of us) to a horror movie marathon weekend. I know The Girl was worried it'd be weird, based on her talking to my roommate. Shortly after that, I got an invitation from The Girl and the mutual friend that started the horror movie marathon idea, to have a Bruce Campbell movie marathon. Making me go "What. The. ****?" My roommate also concurred, and set The Girl an email asking what was up, because the roommate and I figured she was sending mixed signals.

 

So at this point, The Girl says that she invites me out to stuff too because I still deserve to have fun too. I literally flip a coin as to whether or not I go to the Bruce Campbell day (I already agreed to go to Deadmonton, the horror marathon, because it sounded awesome). Bruce Campbell day was fine, though we didn't really say a word. My roommate and I planned to get there after the dinner invitation, to reduce on awkwardness, but they ended up being delayed so we ended up having to join them for dinner after all. (This was funny because the husband asked me if I would like I hamburger, to which I said "No, I already ate" and he asked "are you sure?" to which she chimed in "He said no") In any case, dinner was quiet for me (enough other people there to talk though), and the evening of movie watching was fine and not uncomfortable.

 

The horror movie marathon was really good. It was 3 days, and day 1 and day 3 was just The Girl, myself, and the mutual friend. Day 2 my roommate and the husband also came along. Day 3 was a bit strange because The Girl was wearing an outfit I had previously said she looked good in, and was also wearing the subtle purple eye liner that I thought looked fantastic on her. Given it was just me, her, and the mutual friend (who is engaged), I was surprised. Though the days it was just the three of us, well all got along really well and had a great time. It wasn't painful or awkward at all.

 

The comes Halloween. A bigger group, and from what I can tell was the biggest difference...The Girlfriend was in attendance. Perhaps it's just coincidence, but outside of a few moments where we made eye contact, The Girl and I did not interact at all, and she seemed to be putting in a concerted effort to avoid me. My conclusion: The Girlfriend told her to keep distance from me, so in the presence of The Girlfriend...she does. I also think this because I know that The Girl and The Girlfriend had some fights shortly after the whole "don't talk to me again" incident, my assumption being that The Girlfriend was giving The Girl crap about inviting me to movie nights and providing situations to see me.

 

So my situation: I find it easy to be comfortable around her if I just let go and be myself. However, this is also the problem, because it keeps me close to her and I doubt I'll ever really be able to move on. Sooooo, I look to create space for myself, to move on. I haven't really been a jerk to her or anything, so I don't know if I am burning a bridge with her.

 

I guess in an email to my roommate, The Girl commented that she said the idea of not being friends with me was awful for her, and that she cried when she read the last email from me (basically an "Okay, if that is what you would like" in response to her saying we shouldn't be friends) and that she couldn't talk to me because she'd just breakdown). Now I don't think The Girlfriend is bad, and doesn't like me (in fact we get along fine). But I am guessing that she is supporting her friend's decision, and kicking The Girl's ass when she starts to slip (hence why they have had some fights). My roommate thinks that The Girl wants to have her cake and eat it too, in that choosing me would guarantee losing contact with husband. Choosing husband means there's a chance of having husband and me in her life (even if it's just me as a friend).

 

I'd like to remain friends, but I don't know if that's possible. Not that I don't want to be friends, but rather that I don't know if I'll be able to be in a situation where I'll be okay with just being friends, rather than wanting the friendship to be a part of a deeper relationship.

 

 

In the meantime, keep talking about games and giving people hell. It's especially good if you're having a hard time sleeping at a quarter to five in the morning.

 

I'll take the talking about games and giving people hell as a compliment haha. Though my sleeping problem I think is mostly Left 4 Dead related, rather than woman issues haha. I stayed up too late Friday night and it totally buggered my sleep schedule!