Guard Dog

Few people living in the United States have a real UNDERSTANDING of the United States. Most of them run with an expand on ideas they heard from somewhere else. Despite the evidence of their own eyes. Hell even I’ve fallen into that trap from time to time.

We talked about getting together again last night. Maybe next week. Have to work out the details. I’m up for another car ride.

In the winter months I don’t have an electric bill. If I had a regular power company I would actually be selling power to them. Unfortunately it’s a co-op so no check for me. The only thing that sucks is dealing with the batteries. But it really depends on how far you want to go down the rabbit hole. I went pretty deep.

That is badass

I called Gail last night. We spoke on the phone for three hours! Haven't done that in a hell of a long time. Conversation with her is effortless. Just now she texted me good morning. I'd say those are pretty good signs.

“Elvira” comes out well bummer, turns out I never had a shot after all LOL!

When I was in high school I had a teacher, Mr. Philbrook, Who taught economics, American government, and honors American history. Whatever I have become in terms of education, self education in particular, I really owe to him. He discussed his subjects not in terms of facts and figures rather as cause and affect. Not only did it completely change the way I thought about his subject material it made me think about all of the classes I had already taken up to that point. By my junior year in high school I had realized I was pretty smart comparatively speaking and could get C’s and B’s with minimal effort and investment. So I was comfortable doing that. Mr. Philbrook managed to get me to really THINK about what I was learning. That made me want to learn more. Which leads to reading books. Which leads to reading more books. Your comment about teaching kids to teach themselves made me remember him again. I’m sure he has long since passed on. I wish I could’ve told him he made a difference.

My new friend sent me this last night

I'm with KP. I don't recall that from middle or high school.

I was just looking at those pics, that is extremely cool!

Hey guys. I got home last night. It’s been a very interesting two weeks or so let me tell you. I started driving north with no particular destination in mind. I followed I-55 north as far as Bloomington IN. I didn’t feel like dealing with Chicago so followed I-39 until Wausau. Then kept going until I ended in up in a little town called Bayfield WI. I got a room in a crappy motel that cost way more than it should have and spent two days there doing nothing. And I do mean NOTHING. I spent the better part of two days sitting on the pier and looking at the lake. I’d never seen Lake Superior before so I can cross that one off my list. After the second day I decided to go home. I turned on my phone and texted my cousin and her husband and told them I was in WI and offered to take them out to dinner. I had not seen either of them in 10 years or more. They live in a little town in the western part of the state. Totally out of the way but what the hell. The next night I met them for dinner and had a great time catching up. They offered to let me stay in their guest house for a few days if I wanted so I accepted. I forgot how much fun they are. Anyway, he is a retired Minnesota state trooper, she is a retired teacher, and they have a business boarding and training horses. Plus a few of their own. Helping them take care of their horses and boarders was thoroughly enjoyable. This led to the best part of the trip… I met someone. They have an equine vet that visits and I got to talking to her and we just clicked. Her name is Gail. She’s a year older than me, divorced with an adult daughter. I asked her out. It went really well. I asked her out again for two days later. That one went well too. Her biggest interests are animals, books, and simplicity in life. That is definitely me. My cousin is all excited about this. She put her “match maker” hat on and you can guess what was doing there. I ended up spending a week with them and had three dates with Gail. It was great. Finally, the time came to go home. Gail and I decided to keep in touch and just see where things go. I live 10 hours and three states away and that won’t change in the near future. Anyway, when I turned my phone back on in Bayfield I got a VM from Stephanie. She finally saw my e-mail I guess. She asked me to please call her. Since I started the exchange I felt obligated and did so while driving to Sparta. We spoke for about 15 minutes and it was awkward but friendly. She asked if we could speak face to face because there was so much she wanted to talk to me about. I agreed and told her I’d meet her for coffee when I got back. I met her this morning. She is working as a supervising RN on the 3rd shift at a big hospital in Memphis. A very nice plum for her. I met her for coffee after work. It’s the first time I’ve seen her or spoken to her since mediation. It was… awkward. She started off right away wanting to apologize again for how things ended. I stopped her and told her it was all in the past. I had forgiven her and she should forgive herself. The remarkable thing is I had. Just then when I saw her I received whatever closure I needed I guess. We spoke for over an hour about Sunny, how we were doing, and happier times. I didn’t get the sense that she is interested in any kind of reconciliation. I tried to subtly imply that was not going to happen. She asked if we could keep in touch and just talk sometimes. I said I’d like that. Maybe some wounds can heal. I put a lot of my stuff in storage before I left. I really had no idea where I was going or how long I’d be gone. Or even if I was coming back at all to be honest. So I’m spending the day putting my house back together. I’m in a much better place now than two weeks ago. It’s hard to believe Sunny’s passing triggered a full on mid-life crisis but I guess that is what it is. Probably not out of the woods but I do feel better. Gail asked me to send her pics of my house and I’m doing it now. I printed and framed a picture of Sunny and put it on the wall next to pics of Bella, Tommy, & Desiree. It’s of her playing in the creek. A happy smile, a happy dog, and a happy memory. The world is going to keep turning… all we can do is go along for the ride. This got really long and rambly again. Sorry about that.

Thank you everyone. You guys are awesome. Going out of town for a little while. Just need to get away.

I've been in a pretty dark place the past few days. The morning after Sunny's vet visit I woke up and just knew something was wrong. She never slept in the bed with me. She was allowed but preferred Tommy's orthopedic doggie bed in the living room by the bay window. That was where I found her. She passed away in her sleep. She was my best friend. I'll never forget her. I'm having a really hard time with this one. I know the realities of dogs and she has had health problems all her life. She was an adult when my ex-wife Stephanie and I found her snooping around the campground in Sugarloaf Key down in Florida. We were on our honeymoon. We were supposed to go scuba diving that day. But that morning Sunny befriended Tommy and we fed her. She was so skinny and desperately friendly. We took her to a local vet and had blood work, shots and exam. She was dehydrated and malnourished but otherwise in decent health. He thought she was around four years old but could have been as old as six. An hour later she had a bath, flea treatment, a collar, a name tag, and a whole new life. That was 2014. I never told you guys how my second marriage ended. I'll sum it up in one word: badly. My first marriage was like a bonfire. My fist wife... God I loved her. I would have done anything, said anything, paid any price to get past our problems. But like a bonfire as hot was it was it burned out slowly until there was just nothing left. I haven't spoken to my fist wife in thirteen years. She remarried a little while back. I truly hope she found the happiness she never did with me. But with Stephanie things were different. It felt more real. Not a bonfire but a hearthfire. Warm and sustainable and enduring. So I thought. It didn't burn out. A giant bucket of water was dumped on it. I woke up one morning thinking life was great. By sunset I knew it wasn't and never was. I cut off almost all contact with her. She tried to reach out to me so many times. In the weeks before the divorce I was polite but cold and curt to her. Since then I've said nothing at all and never responded when she tried to reach out to me. She has tried. as late as a year and a half ago. I have always been one to compartmentalize grief. I stack it all in a little room in my mind. Then lock the door and seal it off. Sometimes I anesthetized myself with bourbon to keep this little legion of sorrows from escaping their locked rooms. I told myself to focus all my energies on the positive things in life. My job. My business when I had one. My dogs always. I have none of those things now and I feel lost. Friday night in a moment of extreme weakness I sent Stephanie an e-mail telling her about Sunny. I rationalized it by telling myself Sunny was her dog too for a time and she deserved to know. But, I know I was just looking for someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. That was probably the worst thing I would have done. Five minutes later I never wanted to un-send an e-mail so much in my life. She has not responded which is, undoubtedly, for the best. With Sunny's passing all the little griefs and sorrows have broken out of their little rooms and I'm finding I can't deal with them all at once. I am missing Sunny, Tommy, Bela, Stephanie (not the real person, the person I thought she was), the business I didn't want to sell, even the job I disliked but it gave me something to focus on. I am having trouble falling asleep. Then I have trouble staying asleep. But I also have trouble staying awake. I'm a grown man. I should be DOING something not sitting here in an empty house crying about what can't be changed. The script is written. The ink is dry. But I don't know WHAT to do. Nothing feels right. I have been sorely tempted to just kill the brain cells where all this negativity is stored with whiskey. But I know that would be the wrong thing to do. I finally admitted to myself two years ago that my self control when it comes to booze is not all it could be (to put it mildly) and swore off of it shortly after. My vet's office invited me to a "pet loss support group" that meets there semi-regularly. I don't think that's for me. I don't think speaking to a therapist is something I'd want to do either. I know what's bothering me. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. I wish I could just switch off all emotions. I wish I had the mental discipline not to dwell on how life might have been different. Or the mistakes I've made. The sun came up this morning. It will come up again tomorrow no matter what. The world will keep turning no matter what I end up doing so all a man can do is turn with it. There is a great old quote from Eupridies I've always liked: "This is courage in a man: to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends.” I've found my courage in the past, I'll find it again. This got kind of long and rambling I guess. I almost deleted it twice. I'm sorry I'm letting my inner demons loose here like this but it was a little cathartic to write it all out. And I really don't have anyone else to talk to right now. Hurlshot, Gfted1, LC, I love you guys but more than that I have always been a little envious of your happy marriages and happy families. You guys are all very lucky.

It was. I had messages going back 10 years in there. All cleared out now.