Let's create the worst fantasy setting ever.

[Monte Carlo]

The banter on the numerous Dragon Age threads amuse me a great deal, and I want to avoid filling them up with too much invective.

 

Therefore I thought we could direct the collective creative will of the forum to creating the worst fantasy setting ever. The most hackneyed, cliched, unappealing piece of vanilla rubbish ever. Something that makes the Forgotten Realms look like Elric's Melnibone by comparison.

 

But careful, my friends! You might just think that a Scottish-accented dwarf here, a chainmail bikini there and a dash of slumbering ancient evil will be enough. But no, like playing the piano badly, this game actually takes skill.

 

It is free-form - post a brief idea, a character, a magic item, a monster..... anything that, collectively, would add up to the Worst Fantasy Setting Ever.

 

Cheers

MC

[Oner]

Sorry, you can't. Imagining something that's worse than FATAL is impossible.

[Monte Carlo]

Nobody link to FATAL. Please. FATAL is ridiculous for reasons unconnected to cheesy cliche.

[Kaftan Barlast]

How can you make fantasy any worse than it already is? That's like asking for a virgin rum&coke without any coke in it.

[Oner]

MC wants to create the worst, not worse fantasy setting.

[Hurlshort]

Yeah, all the things I thought of already exist somewhere else.

[samm]

Yeah, all the things I thought of already exist somewhere else.

That's the point, isn't it? This is exactly what makes bland fantasy settings so damn bland: It's been done already, so boring, always the same, as mentioned, scottish accent dwarves, slumbering ancient evil. Whatever we would do differently would make the setting more appealing, so our very quest

You might just think that a Scottish-accented dwarf here, a chainmail bikini there and a dash of slumbering ancient evil will be enough. But no, like playing the piano badly, this game actually takes skill.

is impossible.

[Monte Carlo]

Look, in Dragon Age they've actually named a region of wintry mountains "The Frostbacks."

 

So I know our struggle is, indeed, a tough one.

[samm]

Ok, then I'll contribute with:

 

A tribe of travelling people that pretend to get their money as knifegrinders (men) and fortune tellers (women). In reality however they send their kids out as theives and/or beggars. They have dark curly hair, moustaches and golden earrings (men) or long dark wavy hair and colourful clothes and golden earrings (women). Men use their big brown eyes to look like puppies if needed be, women to seem seductive, but both have bad teeth. They are regarded with mistrust, but use that notion to play on sympathy by people who think themselves more progressive. They are called the..., uhm, ... Gorranpeese, because they have a guttural language.

 

A tribe of travelling people, fearsome warriors of the north, also curly haired, but bearded (in case of men) or buxom (women). They only wear leather, and have their lower arms and legs free, despite the freezing cold of their surroundings, Frezzebok or 'the Coldlands' as it is called by the commoner. They are strong, and strong drinkers. They are organised in tribes and thought to be close to nature despite wearing axes all the time and loving to hunt in jeering droves. They don't actually have children, only male youths who have to kill a mamut on their own to become a man. They are called Utukk, because they talk like that.

Edited June 19, 2009 by samm

[Blarghagh]

Or we could just link to Dominic Deegan.

 

Actually. I changed my mind. It's the best AND worst fantasy setting ever.

[HoonDing]

OK, I'll write something up that would make even David Gaider cringe:

 

"The world of Ferredram, created fifty thousand years ago by the two brother-gods I'frei end I'dei who both courted the goddess I'draa (both belonging to a pantheon of ancient powerful beings) -- when the goddess got tired of the two brothers fighting over her, she issued the challenge that who-ever could impress her the most with a creation of his own would have her hand. Both brothers then set to work, using all of their minds to create two worlds, named Ferre and Dram -- but after labouring for millions of years the brothers noticed that the worlds they had created was imperfect : Ferre was filled with flame, Dram with completely filled with ice.

 

Realizing that neither would have the hand of the goddess this way, the two brothers decided to reconcile and merge their very divine essences into one, creating one new god -- and one new world, the world of Ferredram, where the magical fire & ice came together and formed the frugal essence of earth. Pleased, the new god then went to seek the goddess to ask for her hand, but the goddess refused, claiming that the agreement she had made with the two brothers millions of years ago was void since the two brothers were absent.

 

Feeling tricked, the new god then was so enraged that he hit the goddess in rage, and she fled the divine realms unto the world of Ferredram. Frightened, the goddess then decided to hide forever from the god and to do this, she took many small clods of earth and into each one she distributred a part of her own soul -- making the clods into the first inhabitants of Ferredram known as the Idraar.

 

When the god's rage finally ended and went to seek the goddess to beg her for forgiveness, he noticed the Idraar on the world of Ferredram and realized what the goddess had done. Both ashamed and sorrowful, he then decided to become the protector of Ferredram for ever, as part of her essence was in all its inhabitants. The god then took parts of the earth himself and made many new races & creatures to serve as companions for the Idraar, who became plants & beasts.

 

But when the Idraar noticed that new creatures came to their world, they saw in it the hand of the god and a great fear came upon them -- for their souls all originated into the goddess's very essence and hence they remembered what the god had done to them, and this caused a schizm into the Idraar; one part managed to overcome their fear and met with the god, learnt from him and eventually accepted him, but another part refused to meet with the god and instead came to hate and fear him. These peoples fled underground and grew distinct from their kin, both in demeanor and appearance, and eventually became mortal enemies of the Idraar known as the Uthrar or "Forsaken", who would eventually rise from the depths of Ferredram and battle their former kin for domination."

[Slowtrain]

We will need a talking sword and some sort of traveling gypsy folk that wear bright colors and ride around in wagons filled with pots.

[Calax]

What about the prince who doesn't know he's a prince trying to save the princess (who can kick anyones ass) and her twin sister (who is the standard damsel in distress) from the evil count who is unequivocally evil but the population never knows it despite the fact that the count literally murders babies in the streets...

 

Oh and the guy from the all evil race who isn't evil because he was born special. This is the guy who can kill anyone and everyone with a glance.

[alanschu]

Look, in Dragon Age they've actually named a region of wintry mountains "The Frostbacks."

 

Oh?

[Darth Sithari]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49lAgtSzh40

[Nihilus5078]

A monster, I could name one:

 

Only instead it sould technically be a land monster, the bodyless monster.

[Syraxis]

The hero must find the four sacred crystals of power or else the world will fall to an apocalypse of combined natural disasters. No one knows of these crystals except the royal family in some city kingdom where it's the center of culture, magic, worship of the gods, economy, blah blah [random **** idea here].

 

The hero sees the upcoming disastrous events in some stupid prophecy that happened to be a dream he had while in deep slumber. Not thinking he needs to lay off the drugs, he heads off to the royal castle in search of adventure, riches, and some hAwT pRiNcEsS x HeRo action (oh wait, that's AFTER the final battle with the big hideous demon lord who is immune to everything except a certain weapon/item forged by the gods for no particular reason that will ever be explained.)

 

After visiting the royal castle the hero magically transforms from an ordinary citizen who would do NO WRONG (what kind of hero has flaws?) to a SUPER WARRIOR WHO SIMPLY CANNOT BE BEATEN AND JUST ****S AMAZING!!1 He travels to the four dungeons where each crystal somehow got there (but who could do such a thing??!?!?!? OMG THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!! its its the

FINAL BOSS of the dungeon and his loyal gang of minions, dun dun dun!

 

 

After the hero is done god-modding through the dangerous four dungeons he travels to the ZOMG demon palace in the 7th layer of the abyss. He gets to the demons chamber, somehow ****s up after god-modding through half the adventure and is about to get a demonic send off when

the princess magically somehow teleports herself into the chamber and takes the blow for the hero, OH GOD NO NO NO!

 

 

After seeing princess mary sue die an epic death, the hero gets pissed and slays the demon. Somehow her royal majesty, the all beloved one: mary poppins gets her soul back and poof! she's back to life, not a scratch on her!

 

Credits roll and princess x hero get married, lived happily ever after and absolutely nothing else goes wrong...

 

Until the sequel gets announced a few years later.

[Laozi]

Ok, then I'll contribute with:

 

A tribe of travelling people that pretend to get their money as knifegrinders (men) and fortune tellers (women). In reality however they send their kids out as theives and/or beggars. They have dark curly hair, moustaches and golden earrings (men) or long dark wavy hair and colourful clothes and golden earrings (women). Men use their big brown eyes to look like puppies if needed be, women to seem seductive, but both have bad teeth. They are regarded with mistrust, but use that notion to play on sympathy by people who think themselves more progressive. They are called the..., uhm, ... Gorranpeese, because they have a guttural language.

 

 

Thats a crack at Greeks, right?

[Oerwinde]

Peasantrise was once ruled by an evil warlock king who demanded unrealistic taxes from his subjects and just treated everyone terribly. For some reason he managed to keep tight control over his huge army despite being hated by pretty much everyone in the kingdom. One day a prophecised young man from a humble farming family came back from fetching water to find his family killed by the king for not paying his taxes. He then gathered a ragtag group of freedom fighters including a sexy female rogue, gruff dwarf fighter, mysterious wizard, snooty elf, and charismatic best friend who eventually betrayed him. He then managed to storm the castle of Eavylkeep and defeat the king in single combat, becoming king himself. He immediately enacted tax reforms and farming subsidies and everyone was happy forever.

[Calax]

Wende, you're missing the princess who secretly falls in love with the charming peasent boy and betrays daddy just to get a shot at being one of his candidates for bride... then is used by her daddy to lure the hero to his death (only to have him survive the trials which sets up for the final battle).

 

And it's not the boy who becomes king... it's the guy who he met who helped him start on his way to becoming the "hero of the land" who becomes king, and the boy retires back to his simple farming existence with his ex-high society wife and has a happy 50's family with no complaints and the wife LOVES her new farming lifestyle rather than being waited on and clean at the castle.

[theslug]

I find the lack of magical schoolgirl loli harem forming around the oblivious and seemingly non hetero lead disturbing.

 

Then again thats only in anime. Real shame though. Fantasy severely lacks in loli and fan service.

Edited June 20, 2009 by theslug

[Calax]

I find the lack of magical schoolgirl loli harem forming around the oblivious and seemingly non hetero lead disturbing.

 

Then again thats only in anime. Real shame though. Fantasy severely lacks in loli and fan service.

well... this is basic fantasy, that's Japan territory which is a WHOLE other ballgame.

[Monte Carlo]

Some excellent stuff here, but Virumor's contribution is especially awful: cliche ridden, derivative, full of silly, pretentious naming conventions largely free of vowels.

 

I salute you.

 

Here I present you with a fallen elven anti-hero who hopefully is as awful.

 

X'Yaris D'Athbringer of the Nightvelvet Helm hefted his mighty war-blade, Heart-Eater, and contemplated his foe. The hated Corsairs of Odge, scarlet-clad pirates wielding cruelly curved swords and wearing the ears of their enemies in their hats, snarled and spat on the deck of the Moon-Cutter Sh'Rll. They had already slain his faithul retainer, Z'larg, a deaf mute Kozolani, one of the hardy reptilemen that live under the Scoldingash Mountains. He had died bravely, performing a blood-spattered calypso of death with his spear. A dozen Corsairs had fallen by his hand already, their heads and other bodyparts littering the bloodstained decking.

 

"By the Night-Lord!" cried X'Yaris, his heavy, ash-coloured mail sodden with blood and his long yellow hair falling in bloodied strands across his face. Heart-Eater split the first corsair in two and X'Yaris cried a a hideous cackle as he fell on the next pirate. The Corsairs of Odge knew that they were, indeed, in the presence of the companion of death and prepared for oblivion as the mighty elven war-sword glittered and danced and spilt hot blood like it was the unique Zxly't''ian chocolate drink they call "Drthhyl'op."

 

"Ouch!" They cried as they were split asunder.

 

Then, like the first and unexpectedly sudden ray of sunlight piercing a particularly fat raincloud, a young woman dressed in white appeared on the deck between the dark elven swordsman and the ragged curs of Odge.

 

"Hold, X'Yaris D'Atbringer," she said. Her large amber eyes and ridiculously short skirt marked her as one of the warrior sun-maidens of Laaaa, the golden god of all that is good and banishing all that is bad.

 

A corsair lunged at her with his sword, and she snapped her fingers. A cloud of light engulfed the pirates and they were taken by the destructive rapture of Laaaa, melting like candals tossed into the giant hell volcano of the war-god Xok.

 

"Enough of this mortal foolery," she said, fixing him with a stern but actually rather hot stare, "The sun-maidens of Laaaa seek your assistance, hell-bound avatar of chaos. The ancient dead sorceror-god of F'lik' stirs again. Can we count on your fealty?"

 

"Perhaps..." said X'Yaris...

 

(hopefully not to be continued)

[Gorth]

Why did I have to read this thread?!?

[Monte Carlo]

Because, as a Moderator, it is your fell responsibility.

 

You knew the risks.