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    (4) Theurgist

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I'm sure you've all come across a player that always managed to fumble or make the wrong choices which resulted in a most hilarious disaster. This is the thread for it! Well, there was another one but it got locked so ...

Anyway, I have a few stories concerning a certain individual that traveled with us .... uh, more like we carried his stiff carcass with us, for a while.

It was a custom setting resembling much the Forgotten Realms and Dragonlance settings, way back in good old 2nd Edition. Having finished our first major quest and reaching lvl 3 ( yay!) I decided to let the party to some R & R. Most went to inns, temples etc. Except our "leader" , and by leader I mean he paid us 1.000 gp to call him "leader" , decided he wanted to go farming for mobs, I know, I was getting a very bad feeling about it already but I let it go. Arguing that we were in the Capital of a Kingdom with a powerful Knighthood that left little farming, if any at all, lest some side quests. However, that wouldn't do for Odysseas, my friend.

Following would be my greatest and gravest mistake. He asked if there were any legends about the area. I had created, for a quest later on, a haunted keep, occupied by a Death Knight. Hm, Knighthood, Haunted Keep, Death Knight ... this doesn't resemble Dragonlance in the slightest. Anyway, our "leader" decided that he could take them all on singlehandedly and left without informing any one of us. Upon his arrival at the castle he ignored the magical seal that prevented the undead from exiting the keep but was useless against living creatures. So he entered the keep shouting at the inhabitants to apply suction to a certain part of his body. Needless to say the Death Knight wasn't too happy about it and prepared to attack him.

I will now post the dialogue as best as I recall it.
- A Death Knight? You never said anything about a Death Knight!
- Uh, yes I did. When I said the keep is haunted by A DEATH KNIGHT!
- Oh ... well, I wouldn't have gone if I knew that!
- Yes, but you did know and you did go.
- Ok, I run away then.
- You run away ... well, uh, since you broke the seal and opened the door, the Death Knight summons his Nightmare steed.
- What Nightmare steed?
- The one all Death Knights summon.
- No, they don't! Let me see that! *looks at the Monster Manual* Oh ... well I got a head start!
- Ok, the Death Knight climbs on the Nightmare and charges at you, he gets a free attack since all you do in your round is flee and he *rolls a natural 20* ah, wow! Charge and a critical, you get triple damage! *rolls damage* You take 48 points of damage.
- But I only have 34hp!
- Yup!



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heh.. I guess he learned his lesson? :lol:

I have a few good of stories, most of them about a particular player who always chooses the weirdest characters.. The stories of these characters are however worse than M-rated. So I'll have to choose a less disturbing one.

It's still a bit disturbing, but bear with me.

We were playing a "league of extraordinary gentlemen"-ish campaign. We were recruited by the most famous adventurer of the known world, to fight super baddies and that kinda jazz.

Well, we were sent on a mission which meant we had to search a forest area for an ancient observatory - in this forest lived a village/big camp of robbers (the good kind) whose help we needed. So we went to visit them and asked for their assistance.
They refused. Seeing as we were some of the most famous people in the world we were mildly surprised and insulted. We then went a little overboard and started threatening them, which resulted in a fight - which resulted in a massacre (they started it!).

Seeing as we were mostly good guys we didn't really feel all that good about slaughtering an entire village (only men), but as we were wondering what actually happened, a huge war party of orcs attacked. We took care of them as well and subsequently hid the human corpses in a barn.

As we finished, a Royal Legion passed by - they didn't know it was a robber’s village, so they were a little disturbed by the sight that apparently the entire place had been laid to waste. The only guy outside was a monk and the Legion of course asked him what had happened.
This particular player wasn't very good - and the GM was getting pretty mad by now - so when he started explaining (and doing a terrible job) we all started laughing. The GM decided that this was way too disturbing and ruled that it was in game..

So as the Monk was making a fool out of himself in front of the legion, the nearby barn "ruptured" in a thunderous laugh - at just the wrong time. Needless to say the Royal Legion didn't find it amusing and everyone (including the legion) was killed. I however managed to be the last guy standing.

This pattern repeated itself over the next 3 campaigns, where I would play the same character and everyone else would lose their new ones.

In the end, my Elven Arcane Archer went insane with guilt... poor guy..



    (4) Theurgist

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Dear God!

No unfortunately he didn't learn his lesson, he just went on dying in the most improbable of ways. He has been pierced, imploded, burnt, exploded, drowned, chocked, disintegrated, ripped in half ... you name it! Therefore I will give you another story of his!

Last time we talked about how our "leader" unleashed hell on earth by breaking the seal that held a score of Skeleton Warriors and a Death Knight out in the world, now we'll talk consequences.

After dying 10' away from the keep's entrance, the rest of the party had no way of knowing where to find him and when he didn't show up at the designated meeting point, the rest of group decided to search for him. With the help of a really good hound dog his body was eventually recovered. So we took him to the temple and used Raise Dead on him to revive him at 1hp. Telling the group what he had just done we decided we would need help against the Death Knight and his Skeleton Warrior Army. So we went to see this old retired adventurer for advice and all was going great until our "leader" noticed a greatsword mounted on the wall, clearly for exhibition, not practical use.

However, in his eyes it seemed like a Holy Avenger +5 and naturally he had to have it. There was a 1 minute argument that didn't persuade him otherwise.

- Dude! That sword is magical!
- No it's not! If it were magical it wouldn't be mounted on a wall, it would be kept somewhere safe!
- But it's beautiful! It has to be magical! Come on, help me steal it!
- We can't steal it. He's a retired adventurer, he's bound to see us!
- He's just an old man ... come on!
- No, I'm not doing this!
- Fine, just cast invisibility on me.
- What?
- Cast invisibility on me so I can steal it.
- You do realize that once you pull it out, you will become visible again, right?
- Yes ...
- OK, fine I cast invisibility on you and my mage goes to sit on the side, I just have to see this!

So he did get the sword off the wall and he did become visible and he did get impaled for 31 points of damage.

- Oh, cool! I have 34 HP!
- Um, no, you have 1 HP.
- What? How? Why?
- We used Raise Dead on you, not Resurrection, we didn't have the money.
- So?
- Raise Dead sends you to 1 HP and drains a Con point, you're lucky I didn't enforce the Con drain, but you're still at 1 HP.
- I didn't know that! I wouldn't have done it if I had known that!
- Yes, but you did know that and you did do that. You're dead. Again.

So we were threatened to by the retired adventurer and forced to leave so as not to share our "leader's" fate. So we raised him again and he went off to a mageware shop to steal some scrolls, we promptly found him dead and naked in a puddle of mudwater with signs of electric discharge on his body. So we raised him again because his deaths were so creative they were too funny to pass out on.

Tune in next time to see Odysseas get decapitated, drowned, incinerated, ripped in half and had his heart ripped from his torso, not necessarily in that order! And we're not even half way there!




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Well the GM is good at making death scenes. Kinda shows the intentions he has for the story.



    (4) Theurgist

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Well the GM is good at making death scenes. Kinda shows the intentions he has for the story.

Oh, I was just getting warmed up, the rest of the party were doing just fine as they seemed to possess a legendary artifact called "common sense".

Anyway, after that, the Knighthood had to fight off the Death Knight and his Skeleton Warrior Army, but not after they had destroyed half the kingdom, so the party decided that it might be a bad idea to stick around here, so we moved to the Elven Lands.

Once there, Odysseas decided that it would be a good idea to visit the weaponsmith. What the heck, it couldn't go wrong this time, right? Well ...

I made it clear that the weaponsmith is a retired adventurer, pretty much like the guy that killed Odysseas earlier on and that it would be unwise to anger him. Odysseas still wanted the rogue to steal a sword or two. In the end he promised the rogue that should anything go wrong, the weaponsmith would first have to go over his dead body, not a very hard task if you ask me.

So the rogue indeed tries to steal the sword and, being a 4-5th level thief, fails at it and the weaponsmith catches them. When the weaponsmith tells them to put it back, Odysseas shouts at him "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" and the weaponsmith says "Suit yourself!" and promptly decapitates him. The thief smiled, said "It was his idea!" and returned the sword.



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Is the player that dense or is he just playing a character that's dense on purpose?

I kinda know the answer with "I didn't know that! I wouldn't have done it if I had known that!", but I just can't imagine someone being that naive.


We once played a campaign where I screwed up the campaign totally.

It was in Call of Cathulu.

In that game, if you throw a grenade, you have to roll to see if you can actually throw it in the right direction. If I remember correct there's even a graph to show which direction it goes depending on succes or failure.

Long story short - Me and a party of soldiers, in a WW2 setting, were defending a town against Nazis. The campaign was 40 minutes in and we decided to haul everyone in the church to protect them.

I decided to throw a grenade at the Germans.. Failed horribly and by evil bad luck chucked the thing inside the church and killed almost all the civilians.. The Germans were so suprised that they stopped their attack, as the Allies tried to kill the fire and save the remaining few.

My character decided to flee the scene and that was the end of the campaign as the most important NPC had died.



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thats dence, post more please



    (4) Theurgist

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So, by now, Odysseas dying was starting to get "old news" followed by /facepalm. So, contrary to our better judgment we raised him, again, but first made sure he would rest before doing something else, like provoking another killing blow.

The rest of the party looked into local concerns and found out that there had been some inexplicable Drow sightings in the area and we decided to look into it more. After days of search, the part found a small number of tunnels leading all the way down to the underdark. With Odysseas rested and at full HP we decided to check into the Draow city that lurked below.

We disguised ourselves to resemble Drow as convincingly as possible and went down, just in time to hear the speech of the High Priestess of Llolth and her plan to slay all of the surface dwelling elves. Then Odysseas decided to step up.

- But I will not stand for that!
- Ok, as you say that, the whole city turns towards you guys.
- What? Why?
- You just openly shouted that you intend to thwart the High Priestess' plan!
- Well, I didn't shout it!
- You mean you just whispered:"But I will not stand for that"?
- Yes! That's exactly it!
- Riiiiiight. Sorry, it didn't happen.
- What? Oh, come on! As if I am THAT stupid!

So the rest of the party managed to flee while Odysseas was captured, brought to the Priestess and had his heart ripped from his chest ( I had seen Indiana Jones the previous day :D ) which was later fed to one of her pets.

Next time Odysseas gets Resurrection! Thrice!




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I am loving this thread.

Keep'em coing. This is hilarious.



    (4) Theurgist

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Last time, Odysseas had died rather grotesquely, even by his standards, and the rest of the party had fled the underdark to avoid any association with him. Now they wanted to go back and rescue him. Well, they were a little late for that!

Odysseas' body had been dumped far from the temple and a few rats had made a nest out of the carcass, so we just cut one of his fingers off and decided we would use Resurrection this time. In an effort to find evidence to support our claim of the imminent Drow attack, the party stumbled upon a sleeping drow priestess, not of immense power, but for convenience's shake, she could cast Resurrection. Odysseas was once again alive, for what good that would do to him.

On our way out of the Drow temple we were surprised to see that half the city was alert of our presence and when we reached the door, the Drow started pouring in. So we fell back and tried to find another way out, which we did. The temple had a secret door that lead to one of the tunnels towards the surface, it was daytime outside so the Drow wouldn't follow. The secret door was in fact a rotating wall and Odysseas argued that it should be left open, because you don't really wanna inconvenience a Drow army at your back with little things like searching for the switch.

- I try to keep the rotating wall open.
- Uh, why?
- It's gonna lock us in!
- Ok ... roll a strength check, I guess ...
*rolls a natural 1*
- Oh, wow! Well, as the door closes you get crashed between the two wall segments.
- Crashed?
- Yeah, when you critically failed your strength check the door came in too strong for you and crashed your abdomen. You will be dead in a round or two.
- I didn't know that!
- Ah, the Drow are catching up on you and are shooting arrows over Odysseas' carcass, what do you do?
- We pull Odysseas' corpse in so the door will close.
- Ok, but the Drow aren't just gonna let you do that, they start pulling back, so you have to roll a strength check against the wall's pressure AND the drow pulling him on the other side.
- OK.
*rolls are tied*
- Well, you guys make a pretty good effort but with the Drow pulling from the other side, Odysseas doesn't budge.
- We go at it again.
*rolls again tied*
- Same thing.
- We try again.
- By now, Odysseas' body is starting to rip open due to the crushing wall and you pulling on each side. If you tie again, Odysseas will be ripped in two.
- Really? We just HAVE to see this!
*rolls tied again*
- Ah, ok, so which half do you guys want again?

So with just half of Odysseas with us, we make a run for the surface and once we are safe, we make the Drow priestess Resurrect Odysseas again.

- Dude! Is she hot?
- What are you talking about?
- The Drow chick! Is she hot?
- Uh, I dunno, lemme see ...
*rolls 3d6 for a perfect 18*
- Yeah, she's hot.
- I wink at her.
- She seems uninterested and does not fall for your winks.
- I grab her ass.
- You ... you do ...wait, what?
- I wanna see if she likes me, she Resurrected me twice!
- Ok ... well, after that, the Drow starts cussing in her own language, which none of you speak, but can clearly tell by her tone that she isn't talking about a recipe making cookies. She seems very agitated.
- Listen, we are very sorry about our friend, as you might have figured out he isn't the brightest man alive, so do what you want, just raise him again afterwards.
- Ok, she's preparing to cast Flame Strike on Odysseas.
- What, Flame Strike?
- Yeah, it's a 5th level spell.
- I didn't know she could cast that!
- She just cast Resurrection, a 7th level spell, at you. Twice! Why wouldn't she be able to cast Flame Strike?
- Oh ...
- Roll save vs spell ...
*rolls a 1*
- You just ... you can't ... roll again!
*rolls a 3*
- Again!
*rolls a 1*
- Ok, you not only fail to jump out of the spell's way, but you jump into it! You are incinerated for 70+ damage. Guys, she is out of Resurrection spells.
- ... OK, we rest here until she memorizes another Resurrection Spell, then we take her to the Elven King.
- Someone gather Odysseas' remains.

Next time, Odysseas offends the Elven King.



    (10) Necromancer

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Lol, what are the Int and Wis scores of this character? Your friend is either roleplaying very well or he is indeed very dense...

I don't have that much funny stories to tell but I will try my best:

- I was playing a chaotic good rogue in my party (the two other players were a barbarian and a monk of evil alignment). Being the only good aligned character, I was constantly bullied by my fellow co-adventurers. For example, I once had the misfortune to fall in a pit trap and was asking them to throw me a rope so that I could climb up. Instead, they both started peeing on me. Another time, when the monk character had died and after I had resurrected him with my rod of resurrection, the barbarian guy tried to intimidate me into giving him the rod. I refused of course and he threatened to kill me. I started fleeing but he caught up with me (barbarians have fast movement after all) and I was forced to give up my rod. The whole adventure was filled with mistreatments of this nature (I was being used as a decoy, etc) and I do remember that it was quite an unpleasant experience (for me at least)...

- In another campaign, me and my party were sitting in a tavern. The wizard of our team had a rather mischievous crow as a familiar. While we were busy drinking, singing and talking, the crow went to some other table, insulted another wizard who was sitting there and even spilled his glass of wine on him. The wizard got really mad and started shouting. The crow returned to its master and the wizard started threatening my party member. It is very hard to describe the chaos that followed: the two wizards were having an argument, then they started throwing spells at each other, my party then started fighting against the other wizard's party, and a tavern brawl started with all the other drunkards... At some point, someone threw a fireball and the tavern caught fire and our party's bard started singing "the roof is on fire, the roof is on fire"...

- In some other campaign, me and my friend were investigating the whereabouts of some mysterious thieves' guild. We were wandering in Neverwinter's sewers and we reached some open space at some point. We were both hiding in the shadows and heard voices in the room ahead of us. We moved very carefully and noticed a group of three rogues talking to each other and playing a game of dice. I was playing a rather reckless character and I estimated that we had to attack the rogues that were in front of us. The passage was quite narrow and only one person could pass at a time. As the rogue character, who was standing in front of me, refused to move any further, I had to push him into the room in front of us. The problem was that the rogues then noticed us and we lost the surprise round we could have gotten. This action resulted in my friend's death a few rounds later since rogues are not very good in one-on-one combat... I can tell you that he was pretty pissed off... Had I not been carrying a wand of resurrection on me, he would have quit playing with me...

I have posted much funnier stories in the following thread:



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This thread is some seriousy fun reading... Posted Image



    (4) Theurgist

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Last time we talked about how Odysseas met 2 gruesome deaths and how he was resurrected from them, now we will see how he fared in front of the Elf King.

We arrived at the glorious Tree-Palace of the Elven king and presented the Drow priestess to the guards, thus requesting an audience with the King himself. Shortly afterwards a Steward took us to see him. Presenting the Drow plot to the King, he took heed of our words and decided to trial the Drow of treason and possibly hanging her. Odysseas argued that we couldn't let her die, an opinion the party shared but were not as quick to act as he was.

- Your Heinous listen to me!
- Heinous?
- Yeah.
- You mean Highness, right?
- Yeah, that!
- OK, the King seems repulsed and everyone else in the room is shocked at your statement, correcting it to Highness from Heinous doesn't help that much. The Steward seems really agitated. "How dare you mock our King! How dare you address Him without permission, how dare you look at Him like some common man!"
- OK, now we're all gonna die, I pull out my sword and hit Odysseas at the back of his head with the hilt to knock him out.
- Roll the dice ...
*rolls a 15*
- You hit him but the damage is insufficient to knock him out.
- Why did you do that for?
- Shut up! You're gonna kill us all!
- Your highness, please listen to me! Do not kill the Drow! She's hot and I love her!
- Wait ... let me get this straight, you asked the Elven King not to kill the Drow, a priestess of Llolth, on the basis that she is ... hot?
- Well, I said I love her!
- OK, you have just elevated the Elven King to a whole new level of anger, he is seething! "Throw these two in the dungeon! I will decide their fate later, but for now I must attend other matters. The rest of you, leave us!"
- Wait a minute, me too?
- Dude, you pulled your sword during an audience with the King! That's sacrilege!
- Well, I had to do something!
- True, you did save the rest of the party, maybe the others can negotiate a release for you two if they play it out right.

So the party did manage to strike a deal, the two imprisoned members would go monster hunting while the rest of the party would work as scouts in a mission to the Drow city. All looked well and it seemed that Odysseas would actually make it through a session without dying! But ...

The deal was that the two prisoners would have to kill 10 beasties each and come back with their heads as proof ... guess who did not make it past the first one. All they had to do was kill 10 wild boars. This is how it was played out.

- You see a wild boar sleeping near a tree trunk, what do you do?
- I attack it!
- Wow, wait! Why not go for a coup de grace?
- A coup de what?
- When your target is asleep you can attack it and kill it in one stroke.
- Oh, cool! I do that!
- OK, remove your armor first. It'll wake up if you don't.
- Right, I do that first then.
- So, you manage to creep up next to your sleeping target. It is immobile and all you have to do is hit it. Roll a d20.
*rolls a 1*
- You have got to be ... anyway, you miss and your sword is plunged in the ground, the wild boar wakes up.
- Oh $#1t! I run away!
- No you ... mph! OK, you run away and the boar charges you, *rolls a 19* well, that's a critical alright. So, the wild boar headbutts you and send you flying on the ground, you take 18 points of damage.
- 18! That's half my HP!
- So, you spend the next round to get up and the wild boar tramples you for ... another 18.
- Oh, come one! I'm dead! This is so unfair!
- Uh, no, actually the first attack was supposed to be triple damage, so you would have gotten 27 points of damage and another 18 from the trample would have sent you to - 11 HP, now you are at -2, if someone is looking for you he might ...
*the rest of the party shake their heads*
- No? Anyone? Uh, OK, so mama boar takes you home to feed baby boars. The End!

Anyway, after the party, minus dead, boar eaten Odysseas, eliminated the Drow threat, rescued the somewhat friendly Drow priestess and Resurrected Odysseas once more, they decided to leave the Elven lands while they were still in relatively good terms with the Elven King and his people, so they took a boat to the mainland. During their trip, they were attacked by a giant squid and all was going well until Odysseas, naturally, botched an attack roll, sending his +0 Greatsword into the sea. Nobody really cared until he decided to go look for it.

- I dive in to find my sword.
- Can't you just grab a weapon from the dead sailors already?
- Dude! It's my sword!
- OK ... do you have swimming as a proficiency?
- No ... but I can float! Anybody can float!
- But you're not gonna remove your plate mail before you dive in, are you?
- There's a MONSTER in the water! What am I gonna do if it tries to hit me?
- Yeah, makes sense ... Anybody wanna go with him? Give him a hand? Save him?
- Well, I could cast water breathing on me, but I never memorize that spell, it's useless.
- OK, Odysseas, give me your Character Sheet.
- Why? What's wrong? *hands it over*
- Oh, nothing ... *hsssssss*

Edited by SirPetrakus, 09 September 2008 - 01:25 AM.



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Funny how the most funny stories usually revolve around the horrible death of a party member..

I'm gonna tell another story about my unlucky elevn archer. Who, at this point, had outlived about 10 adventures and had become increasinly gloom about it.

The leauge was still up and running, despite the previous failures and deaths of the legendary members. So Aram (my characters name) and the unnamed leader, decided to recruit the next (lower) tier of heroes, to fill the ranks.

By now Amras was feeling somewhat guilty for having survived so many friends.

Anywho - he gathers 4 followers. 2 young wizards (one of them kind of a half devil, because of an unwilling stay in the nine hells) a tortur master and a famous swashbuckler.

The team sets out on a mission, which I can't remember.. along the road arguments run high - the ˝devil and tortur master wants to pursue are less ethical approach, while the Swashbuckler is worried about his renown and the Wizard was more interested in the phwat loot, but didn't want to get his hands too dirty. Amras stopped caring some time back.

We then come to a village where the last wheels of fate would jump into place - and doom the Elf.

In this village a fierce argument starts - the tortur master was getting very impatiant and the ˝devil was getting us in trouble because of his apperance, the villagers wanted us out the village. The others were trying to cool things down to avoid trouble - when a Devil suddenly appears and starts talking to the ˝devil. The villagers of course freak out.

I can't really remember what happens, but suddenly the tortur master looses his patience completly, he attacks a villager who tries to push him out of the way - killing him - which makes the entire village explode in rage.

The following battle was really chaotic - because the Wizard and Swashbuckler sided with the villagers and the tortur master ˝devil and full blood Devil started slaugthering people. Amras tried to sue for peace between the different sides, but was overheard and could only watch as the two sides started fighting. He stayed indecisive and simply observed the battle - the rouge and the swashbuckler was fairly easily killed - but the villagers managed to kill the ˝devil.

At the end only the tortur master and demon remained. Amras killed them both in disgust and standing in blood to his knees finally went insane with all the carnage that seemed to follow in his wake.

And thus the leauge ended and unnamed leader went into exile.



    (3) Conjurer

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OK i have something, now this is from a game that my friend made some years ago the rules are a bit different from D&D.

So my party is dropped near a city state that had been conquered by it's neighbors but due to some freedom fighters from another city state had been half reclaimed. Our job was to go in and help the resistance remove the invaders.

So we arrive at the outskirts of the city and there are dead bodies everywhere, bodies from both sides scattered around, now as a necromancer i immediately to the horror of my party rush over to harvest parts. I screw up my roll to properly remove the body parts so my guy simply is playing with the guts and limbs of the recently dead. About this time the local troops of the freedom fighters arrive (a bunch of Dwarfs) and see me in my little act. Naturally this pisses them off but my group manages to convince them to ignore me. So they begin to question the soldiers as to what is going on, they give us the run down as to what is going on.
We request a map of the area as to make our plans, they give us some vague directions and tell us to follow the smell as it used to be a breeding pen for a lovely delicacy which is a worm like creature which eats feces but can be chopped up and cooked like steak. My character stands up from his fun work and says to the leader "Oooh, i thought that smell was coming from the dwarf barracks" now the Dwarf is not amused and throws his axe into my head dropping me to the ground.

I am brought back shortly afterward and we go through the city. We are ambushed by a Gnomish Slammer which is a gnome that is tortured until he is completely broken then implanted with a crystal which greatly increased his strength, warps his hands into claws and grows wings. The battle takes place in a basement and doesn't take very long and after we kill him i find a vault in the basement of the building and i pick the lock to enter.

While my group is following me i have a few moments to myself in the vault. I find two very well dressed bodies laying on the ground. Being a necromancer i attempt to raise one of the bodies as a ghoul to serve me. Naturally i roll a 1 as i was doing constantly in this game. I thought that meant i would simply fail to raise him but he gets up and starts staring at me. He doesn't seem to be doing anything so i quickly remove all of his Identification symbols just as the group walks in. Sadly for me one of my group members was formerly of the elite guard of the city and recognizes the chancellor to the King and back hands me sending me flying into the wall cracking my head against some debris and I die once again. The Chancellor turns to the guy who struck me and lunges at him. Not out of any loyalty to me but the fact that he was now the closest person to him and my botching up the raising made him a vampire. He sinks his fangs into his throat and almost kills him before the group took him out. Now the funny thing is that my head has been almost totally smashed at this point but before they bring me back someone places a plate in where my head used to be. Now when i am brought back my head grows around and behind the plate. Now i cannot see as the plate is covering my face. I crawl to the body of the Gnome and pluck out his eyes. I do a roll to carve holes in the plate and to implant his eyes into me so i can see but i screw up that roll too. So my guy instead attaches the eyes to the front of the plate. Now i have a plate for a face and two eyes just sitting on the front of it thus earning my character the nickname "Plateface" which for the life of me i couldn't get rid of.

Needless to say the entire game session i am constantly rolling critical failures a very aggravating night though it did cause many humorous events usually ending my life in the process. I must have been revived around 10 times in that mission.
I did have my moment of hilarity in the end.
We accomplish our mission, and even after that stop an inter dimensional invasion of these Minitor like creatures with four arms and six horns and lava like blood.
We capture their hive queen and kill her body guards. As we are leaving i finally get my roll right and raise one of her headless guards to serve me. As we leave their dimension we are surrounded by their fleeing forces. I stand behind my ghoul and demand them to allow us to pass sticking my hand up where his head is suppose to be moving it imitating mouth movement. The army opens up a path for us and we do get around halfway through before they realize that he is a ghoul with no head. Naturally they turn to us and butcher us.
The next thing we know we are waking up in a hospital with my Ghoul standing next to me. Apparently they ignored him and left our bodies rotting in the sun, and the colonial government that we were working for kindly brought us back.



    (4) Theurgist

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Another time, another place, me and a few friends were playing Dragonlance but due to events we were planeshifted to Ravenloft. Upon arrival we were ambushed by vampires and most of us got hurt pretty badly, but we survived, mostly because Dalamar had come with us in this quest. So we started out in search of a settlement that we could rest and recuperate, eventually finding a small fortified town, but the guards wouldn't let us in because they thought we were vampires so we had to prove them otherwise.

- Listen man, do we look like vampires?
- Maybe, I can't be sure, I can't let you in.
- Wait, what do you know about vampires?
- Well, they're supposed to be really pretty and such.
- And what about us?
- You guys are pretty fugly!
- Hey, screw you, buddy! I don't see the ladies lining up for you either!

So they let us in ><



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I may have already described this story. We were playing vampire, in whatsitthingy, you know the White Wolf universe where everything is terrible... thingy.... anyway. We were in apartheid South Africa where Mandela was shot by neo-nazis coming down the road from prison etc etc.

We often used two referees and one player, to give a richer experience. One ref would handle mechanics and storyline. The other ref would play all the NPCs.

Our man was masquerading as an anti-apartheid lawyer, living on the fringes of a big township. He'd been out and about his merry way, dropping into shebeens, and feasting on, well he was supposed to hunt drug dealers and informants, but he'd been snacking on anyone. So he heads home, having made no attempt to conceal himself, so naturally enough just after he gets home there is a knock at the door.

"I look out the window"
"You see a tan police truck, with a white policeman and a black policeman near it. They have shotguns out. You can just see the blue shirted back of a third policeman standing on your veranda."
"Yes! It may have something to do with the headless corpse not 200 yards from your house."
"I change into a tiger!"
"OK. Then what?"
"I turn out the lights and pretend I'm not home."
"But they saw you with all the lights on. They'll see you turn them off."
"Then I'll turn off the lights AND hide under the bed! [immensely pleased with himself]
"Fine. There is more knocking. [rolls] You also hear noises from the side of the house."
"Hmmmm. I change back again, turn the lights on, and go to the door. I also blood buff or whatever so I'm ultra strong."
"I open the door"
"A large fat police sergeant is there. He looks at you suspiciously, and says 'Excuse me, sir, but I was wondering if we could ask you some questions about a suspected murder not far from here.'"
"Right. Um. I lean out, put one hand on his shoulder, then use my other hand to pull his head off.[rolls successfully]"
"The policeman's still warm body slumps to the ground, as thick red blood fountains across the stoep. The two other policemen haven't yet established what just happened."
"I close the door."
"Then what"
"Then I turn out the lights and hide under the bed. If they knock again, I'm not home."

Needless to say the Army were called in, and he only escaped by running smack through one wall of his house, and into a river. But he would have been jihaded for sure if he hadn't been busy with coursework.



    (4) Theurgist

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Oh God!

That was my reaction reading about this guy. Did he really expect that after killing a police officer in he presence of 2 others they would just leave him alone? This man ... Oh my God!

Years after the initial Odysseas, the same guy decided to give D&D a second try, this time in the 3rd edition rules. We had already started a campaign and since leveling in 3rd edition isn't all that hard, we were 10+ level, so we had Odysseas start at 10+ level. Our quest involved going through this tropical forest where a Great Green Dragon lived and we'd have to kill it. So we were hiding in the forest and we watched the Dragon fly high above our heads every now and then, where the foliage allowed us to and we wanted to wait until he would return to his cave and fight him there. Well ... Odysseas had a different idea.

- I go ahead of the others.
- OK, you move forward at a little faster pace and slowly but steadily distance yourself from them.
- Is there a clearing up ahead?
- Uh ... sure, why not!

The other party members, having played with him before, were all getting a little uneasy and rightly so. I saw something bad coming too and I was starting to see it.

- Is the clearing big?
- It's ... pretty big.
- OK, I start shouting.
- Shouting for what?
- The Dragon of course!
- I don't think that's such a good idea, the others are pretty far away.
- Oh, come on! I'm a level 1X fighter! I can take him on.
- OK, you guys hear him shouting too, what do you do?
- I think we'll let him handle it.
- OK, uh, well, after a while the dragon appears at about 100 feet over your head and lets himself drop down on you, what do you do?
- I wait for him to get down.
- You see a 7 ton Dragon drop on you and you wait it out ...
- Yeah.

He really saw nothing wrong in that sentence.

- OK, well the dragon lands on you, crushing you with the force of his fall and the sheer weight of his, I think it 's safe to proclaim you dead.
- What? Oh, I swear to God you hate me!

Next time, I get to kick some ass and we almost die because the rest of the party is useless.



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:thumbsup: Although I can kind of see the guy's point. I'd have made it explicit that he was going to be crushed.

The thing I love most of all about Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay is the Fate Point system. Essentially you each have 'get out of badness' cards. You get some at the start of your career, and earn more by doing 'Fatey' things like save the world, or tell an incredibly funny joke in character. They don't overrule the referee completely, but they prevent total death/losing the mission etc. We also allow them to be used to do things the players know to do, but the character doesn't. Like set up an ambush, or run a special scam. The main thing is that it's up to the player to say when they are used, and so the referee can concentrate on simply being realistic. If the player consistently makes an arse of themselves and never does anything adventurey then they die off fast, but not instantly.



    (4) Theurgist

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You know, the first time we played, must have been like 10 years ago, we were kids, so it made sense that sometimes you would do the wrong thing, but this was somewhere around 5 years later, I'd think that a dragon crushing you with his weight and size would stimulate the danger senses inherent in any man and say something like I MOVE!

Anyway, somewhere in between the events told, there was another legendary fighter. At the said campaign I was playing a Dark Sun half giant warped in a different world and blah blah blah blah, at 12th level me and my company were whisked away to Sigil, city of doors. Yes, I know you're not supposed to be there at 12th level cause it's a death sentence but ... anywho, as we walked around the city, a band of undead, similar to the Fallout ghouls but with a nasty temper and the inherent zombie hunger, approached us seeing a potential meal. Seeing me as the bigger meat, they tried to persuade me to come with them. Call me biased, but going home with a pack of undead never seemed like a good idea to me. So they tried to go after the second fighter in the party.

- Oh, most magnificent one! Though exalted deeds have reached our ears and praises are sung every night in your name. Keepers we are of a great weapon, waiting to relinquish it to one such as you, will you come with us?
*DM rolled a 20 on the bluff check*
- Great weapon? Is it a greatsword?
- Eh ... yes, why how did you know?
- Is it vorpal?
- Uh ... maybe? We've never used it ourselves my lord, we know not of its power.
- So how do you know it's magical and so great? *that's me btw*
- Um, well, that is, we ... we were told about the powers of the sword long ago, but, alas, we've forgotten.
- Yeah, that makes sense! I should with you guys.
- Dude! They're the UNDEAD! Non living things that kill living things! Are you sure that's such a good idea?
- We're in Sigil! Good undead are as much a possibility here as a good Lich!
- Let the man decide for himself!
- OK, you're right, I shouldn't impose myself on you, I am sure you will make the sensible choice.
- Right, I'm going with them!


So anyway, he dies and I'm trying to persuade the others of going to rescue his, soon to be devoured, carcass but they all thought that he brought it on himself so we shouldn't go rescue him, plus this is Sigil, as far as we knew, these undead might have been Epics. I take a good look at my Half-Giant and say: "Screw you guys! I'm going after him!"

I went and traced the undead compound and barged in, breaking doors, walls, kicking ass and taking names. I eventually reach a chamber with a surgical table where poor unintelligent fighter laid dead. The pack of undead consisted entirely of fighters, 4 of level 20 and 4 of level 16, it seems however that when the undead dine, they also carry +5 greatswords, for when that simple knife just won't cut it.

The DM did cut me a deal though, he would allow critical hits if they were on both sides because undead are immune to critical hits and I was 2 sizes larger than the undead, so they would be unable to crit me. As a Half-Giant barbarian with 30+ Constitution, I rolled for HP (1d12+Con Modifier) x2, so at my level, my HP were nearing 400. This would be a long battle. To make a long story short, I kill everyone except the 2 16 lever fighters, leaving on of the two basically crippled and the other one at a little over half HP. Then the rest of the party decides to come in and help and they all died except for the thief. It was the last time I tried to save anyone, ever.

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