Parrot

[Walsingham]

My girlfriend has been visiting. Hurrah!

 

She has brought her parrot. Hurrooh.

 

Her parrot hates me. I am, generally, good with animals, even monkeys, so I thought it could be handled. On Tuesday I extended to it the hand of Friendship. It accepted the hand of Friendship, waddled sideways up to the shoulder of Peace, and bit me as hard as it could on the earlobe of Naivety. It ****ing hurt.

 

Later in the same day it flew into my office, waggled its arse and crapped into my ongoing projects file.

 

I thought I'd mention this as an example of how to cope with pure incandescent fury. Knowing as I do that any permanent harm would distress my girlfriend, I suddenly had a brainwave! I marched up to its cage, turned about smartly, and farted as fulllsomely as possible into its tiny bastard face. I feel much better now.

 

The end.

[Deadly_Nightshade]

[Trenitay]

Are you sure you handled that situation correctly? I think you're taking your anger out on the bird when you should be taking it out on the girlfriend.

[Gorgon]

Parrots are generally very jealous of potential suitors.

[taks]

Later in the same day it flew into my office, waggled its arse and crapped into my ongoing projects file.

maybe this is how parrots show their love?

 

taks

Edited February 19, 2009 by taks

[Gfted1]

I had a parrot once. Its a sad tale of ignorance and betrayal. A friend had this parrot and they were giving it away lock, stock and barrel. Cage, toys, feeders, food, all free to a good home. So's I thought to myself, Gfted1, you'd be stupid to not take a free, expensive bird. It was beautiful, tiny and colorful with its spectrum covering green, red, yellow and blue. The thing is though that every single time I left the room it would make this tremendous squaking noise and wouldnt stop until I came back. Covering the cage didnt help, turning off the lights, fresh food, nothing. So, I had it for about a week before I found some other sucker to take him, free to a good home of course.

[mkreku]

Just be glad it wasn't a canary bird or you probably would have killed it.

[Walsingham]

I had a parrot once. Its a sad tale of ignorance and betrayal. A friend had this parrot and they were giving it away lock, stock and barrel. Cage, toys, feeders, food, all free to a good home. So's I thought to myself, Gfted1, you'd be stupid to not take a free, expensive bird. It was beautiful, tiny and colorful with its spectrum covering green, red, yellow and blue. The thing is though that every single time I left the room it would make this tremendous squaking noise and wouldnt stop until I came back. Covering the cage didnt help, turning off the lights, fresh food, nothing. So, I had it for about a week before I found some other sucker to take him, free to a good home of course.

 

 

This is quite common, apparently. What boils my bacon is that she acknowledges that owning the damn thing is a mistake, but won't ditch it. My compromise plan of going into a pet store and putting it into one of the cages when no-one was looking. I say compromise plan because my starting plan was to drown it in armagnac, stuff it with water-chestnuts, almonds, and arrowroot flour, and flash bake it for twenty minutes, wrapped in banana leaves.

 

I think the parrot was the appropriate target. My girlfriend may occasionally bite me, but she doesn't poop in my office.

[Rosbjerg]

I had a parrot once. Its a sad tale of ignorance and betrayal. A friend had this parrot and they were giving it away lock, stock and barrel. Cage, toys, feeders, food, all free to a good home. So's I thought to myself, Gfted1, you'd be stupid to not take a free, expensive bird. It was beautiful, tiny and colorful with its spectrum covering green, red, yellow and blue. The thing is though that every single time I left the room it would make this tremendous squaking noise and wouldnt stop until I came back. Covering the cage didnt help, turning off the lights, fresh food, nothing. So, I had it for about a week before I found some other sucker to take him, free to a good home of course.

 

 

Maybe it was afraid that you would give it away... like you did.. it was probably just a very lonely bird.

 

 

Anyway.. Walsh - good one!! You won the masculine way.

[Hell Kitty]

Later in the same day it flew into my office

 

I read that as "it flew into my orifice".

 

crapped into my ongoing projects file.

 

It was just giving you advice.

[Blarghagh]

This is the funniest blog I've ever read.

[Dragon Lord Jones]

thanks for the laugh ... I can't imagine what the bird thought after you did that.

 

i had a roommate who had an african grey parrot and i got along well with it, but the damn bird had a wicked sense of humor.

 

it would make the sound of the telephone ringing and when i would go to answer it it would start laughing .... then wait until i left the room and do it again

 

the bird would have complete conversations with itself and sound like we had an apartment full of people we knew (and sound just like the people it was imitating)

 

one other quirk it had was it was raised by an airport and would screach like a jet going overhead (very annoying)

[WILL THE ALMIGHTY]

That is one talented parrot, there, DLJ.