For those that are somewhat familiar with the woman drama I had a few months ago...

 

 

Does it make me a jerk to hear through the grapevine from a couple of friends that people are making observations about how poor the woman and her husband's marriage seem to be, and as a result find myself smirking at this news?

 

 

On one side I feel bad, but for the most part I just laugh and say "go go humanity!"

As long as you aren't causing the marital problems, smirk way.

Well, if I am I don't know about it.

 

We hardly interact anymore. Occasionally we'll bump into each other in WoW (though I took a two month break from it), and just recently a big group of my friends started playing floor hockey every saturday so she is there too.

 

We did have some quick conversations about whether or not we were interested in being friends still and whatnot, and be both did say that'd be nice, if possible. For the most part our interactions have been casual and brief. There was one time she made a comment to me that things were frustrating for her because two other friends of hers were not hanging out as much (new BF for one, and so on), and I commented to her that while I was sorry to hear that, I shouldn't be the person she confides in with that sort of stuff.

 

 

It was strange because on the weekend I found her including herself in conversations with me regarding hockey and school that I was having with the person across from me at a restaurant. The topics would have historically interested her, but then on Sunday we both were in wow and chatting, and now hardcore radio silence again.

 

 

If things are bad, my guess is that she "slipped" because she enjoyed hanging out with me, and is now pulling back again to make sure she doesn't lean on me instead of her husband.

 

Regardless, I think I have made good progress for myself lately, which is good.

 

 

 

Commencing smirking! Haha.

as hurlshot said, feel free to smirk away

 

 

 

EDIT: Whoa that was bigger than I thought haha.

Edited February 4, 200916 yr by alanschu

"Have a nice day"

I'd like to think that rather than rejoicing in her suffering, you're hoping that she leaves **** and takes up with you. haha Sounded like her marriage was pretty iffy in the first place.

 

...But, hey, sometimes we cannot help being happy when someone else gets the shaft. It's human nature. Nothing to be proud of, but what's the use of beating yourself up over it.

 

heh heh heh. I'm actually hoping that you and she hook up sometime down the line. It would be funny.

 

On the other hand, if she's unhappy with her husband and finds herself drawn to you, she should just figure out where the hell her head is and do something about it one way or the other. Are you prepared to take her if she splits with her hubby, though? *grinning wolfishly* Don't feel compelled. If she's having problems with her husband because of you, then she's having problems with her husband anyhow.

 

Just comport yourself with honor, you dawg! hahaha

I think the line you've taken so far has been honorable. You probably shouldn't dwell on the smirking feeling, since that might pollute your intentions. It's not wrong or jerky to feel something, since I don't think people can help but feel things, but it is your responsibility to respond appropriately to those feelings, meaning it might be poor judgment to focus on the smirky sensations you get.

 

Also, to the extent you can, I'd say you should encourage her and her husband to work things out, because if she broke up with him and hooked up again with someone else, there is always the possibility of her breaking up again. Though it sounds like it is her husband's fault at this point, if a woman breaks up without dang good reason, then be careful about the weight of that woman's commitments. I don't know much about the situation though, so my opinion is general and may not speak to the issue at hand. I personally hold the conservative standard that a person in general should not divorce his or her spouse unless there is adultery or abuse going on. But what do I know? I'm not married... yet.

Edited February 4, 200916 yr by Blank

from what i remember of alan's old thread, it really sounds like she just doesn't know what the hell she wants

Does it make me a jerk...

 

Since I chimed in last time with a yes I feel duty bound to reply again , no, this time youre cool. BTW, is that Kool Aid?

Hahaha thanks Gfted1.

 

 

As for Shryke's comments, I'd tend to agree, though I don't really judge (my smirking isn't really spiteful, just sort of a "I'm not really surprised") her for it. People are human.

 

There's a thing called "cognitive dissonance" which is essentially when you learn something that conflicts with your current established beliefs and interpretation of the world. You believe something one way, so long, and then to have something come along and challenge those beliefs can be a real mind job.

 

I don't know if she's necessarily "drawn" to me or not. All I can do is, based on our prior interactions, recognize that at one point we did get along very well, and we had a lot in common and all that jazz. At one point she admitted that she had even fallen in love with me. Given the type of person I know of her, I think that that kind of messes her up because for whatever her reasons are, there's that part of her that is like "no, I love my husband" but at the same time, found herself falling in love with me. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some cognitive dissonance because she had this idea of her husband being the love of her life, and if that really was the case, then how could she have possibly loved me.

 

I do feel a little bit bad for her, because if things are bad, then the relationship we shared likely won't make things better. If things stay bad, then I could become that annoying "what if" moment in her past. However, if our relationship in some way does show her that she doesn't have to feel stuck and she moves on and is happier, then I'll feel less bad haha. I do hope that if she stays with him, it's because she's genuinely happy. I hope that she doesn't stay with him hoping for things to get better for the rest of her life. Though honestly, it's not really my problem, so I don't think about it too much.

 

A friend of mine did ask me what I would do if she did leave her husband. I don't know. There's the part of me that would obviously see it as an opportunity, but at the same time, there's the part of me that feels a bit taken advantage of. I'd have to be careful. Though I figured if I just said no right away, it could turn into a "what if" moment for me as well. I figure I'd probably be open to the idea, if she was interested, because according to history we can get along really well. However, I'd really have to play it by ear if (and a big if IMO) it happens.

 

 

 

As for "abuse," I wonder. Not violent (he's a wimp haha), but I remember asking her one time why she loved him, and her response was literally "Because I know he loves me, even if he doesn't show it right now." It made me raise an eyebrow. As for encouraging her to do well with her husband, I can't really do that. I don't have the opportunity, nor do I want it. I will not let her talk to me about marital troubles, since it's totally unfair for her to use me as that crutch to lean on given my past feelings for her.

 

Cheers!

Edited February 4, 200916 yr by alanschu

SOunds to me the two aren't communicating with each other. Maybe they need marriage counseling. You should suggest it, if it comes up in conversation again.

 

However, this does not make you a jerk. There are other things that make you a jerk, but this isn't one of them.

Reminds me of a friend of mine. He was madly in love with a married woman and indulged in all kinds of melancholy until the day she divorced her husband and moved in together with my friend.

 

It lasted a short while, then it fell apart. The promises of the dream being more than reality could deliver.

 

Morale of the story? None really.

You probably don't want any female advice here, but I'll give it anyway, since I read your previous entries and am pretty much up to speed on your dilemma. No, you're not a jerk because you smirk about her marriage problems. However, if the marriage should fold and she looks you up again, keep this in mind: A person who was unfaithful once will probably be unfaithful again. In other words, if her husband couldn't trust her, neither can you.

 

Unless you crave constant dramarama in your life, you might want to move on and open yourself to finding someone who wants to pursue a relationship with you, is free to pursue a relationship with you, and doesn't have a history of window shopping for her next mate while her current one is next to her in bed.

 

I realize you know all of this, but the occasional blunt reminder can't hurt!

 

That said, good luck finding what you are looking for.

SOunds to me the two aren't communicating with each other. Maybe they need marriage counseling. You should suggest it, if it comes up in conversation again.

 

However, this does not make you a jerk. There are other things that make you a jerk, but this isn't one of them.

 

 

Not my place to suggest the counseling, as we aren't really in contact.

 

 

She has been suggested it before though. I think he is non-compliant and gets upset at the suggestion.

 

 

I can't remember, but I think I may have suggested it earlier too, when our friendship was a less intimate one.

 

 

 

EDIT: I understand Di. It's something that I was thought about, and definitely something that I would consider. I certainly don't think that her and I would have any guarantees of being together forever.

Edited February 5, 200916 yr by alanschu

Does it make me a jerk to hear through the grapevine from a couple of friends that people are making observations about how poor the woman and her husband's marriage seem to be, and as a result find myself smirking at this news?

 

It probably shows you are more concerned about yourself and enjoying that the other person is having problems in a smug sort of way.

Ah simple "yes" would have done haha.

 

I guess I don't know if I'm smirking at her, him, or the situation.

So you're taking pleasure form another person's pain? Sounds like a jerk to me! Actually, sounds like me to me.

 

Hm...

More like taking pleasure from indignant self-rightousness of "I am not surprised" more than anything else

 

Not that that makes me a better person in any way. More like worse.

from what i remember of alan's old thread, it really sounds like she just doesn't know what the hell she wants

 

That's women for you.

More like taking pleasure from indignant self-rightousness of "I am not surprised" more than anything else

 

Not that that makes me a better person in any way. More like worse.

 

I think most people feel pleasure from indignant self-rightousness, perhaps some superiority smugness in some form or another. It's probably a human trait. So, I wouldn't worry about it.

I think people just like to believe they were "right."

 

I guess in that sense I am seeing things progressing the way I suspected they might, and hence that's where my smugness comes from

I would respectfully suggest that you need to find a new woman who is just as groovy, but less mental. It's a generic solution, but one which rarely fails.

I'm looking

yes def