A Funny Stuff Thread

rjshae · December 22, 2019

Skarpen · December 23, 2019

Guard Dog · December 23, 2019

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Guard Dog · December 25, 2019

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Raithe · December 25, 2019

An oldie but a good one..

Raithe · December 26, 2019

Raithe · December 26, 2019

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Raithe · December 27, 2019

I once gave my players "A Tome of Absolute Knowledge." A thick wood-bound ledger full of tiny 3pt font script. There was a wooden mouth carved on the front that spoke (without moving) to anyone who wished to read from the book.
The players found it in an old abandoned library of a city that was swallowed by a swamp, so they were pretty hyped to pick it up and hear "I am one of the Tomes of Absolute Knowledge. I have the power to answer 4 more questions before the magic ebbs from my pages. Ask."
I could not make this up. The PC holding the book immediately said "Did this book just talk?" in their character voice.
Obviously, no DM could resist: I replied "Yes. I spoke. 3 answers remain open to you."
Instead of laughs, the table erupted in PANIC.
The rogue, in character, said "Everything we SAY gets answered?"
The Wizard chimed in "But does this book know EVERYTHING?"
The monk said "Shouldn't we not be asking questions OUT LOUD?"
Three of the players turned toward me, painfully slowly...
"Yes. I know most things within this multiverse. It would have been a good idea. The questions of the world have been answered! Now, I slumber." and the writing inside the book vanished, and the voice disappeared.

Everyone had their heads in their hands, shooketh.
There was a short "after care" interlude where I smiled, fatherly, at them and explained that things of that nature happen - that they should not beat themselves up. We had some laughs, got some sodas, and kept playing, no worse for wear.

Fast forward like 4 real-life months. The party was welcome to peruse a warlock's sanctum and help themselves to a book of their choice: the tomes of health/strength/dex/etc, manual of golems, a book that sang like a minstrel, a spell book, and... a wooden book with a mouth.
The table went COMPLETELY SILENT and two of the players dug out notebook paper and started passing notes around the table, shushing one another when they would make excited squeaks or chitters.
After 5-10 minutes, one player said "OUT OF CHARACTER I ASK FOR THIS BOOK"
They refused to speak to the warlock, but instead just mimed thank yous and goodbyes. We spent maybe 40 minutes passing notes and miming potential questions before they even UNWRAPPED the book from its oilcloth.
"I am a Tome of Absolute Knowledge. I can answer 3 questions."
Y'all - you'd have thought I gave them a TAKE HOME TEST with the amount of time they spent perfecting their questions and refusing to speak for fear of wasting it. They learned
-The BBG's entire history
-What happened to the fighter's family
-Location of a god-killing spell
It was a DM's DREAM for the last HOUR of our session, answering these long, detailed, comprehensive questions about the campaign and having the players hang on every single word, knowing it was reliable. It SLINGSHOT our campaign by twenty sessions & made them feel SPECIAL.
The moral: players like to feel their mistakes learned from. Don't let their one failure haunt them forever, let it come full circle and watch the enjoyment as they get a second chance.
My group gave up STAT BOOSTS just to answer 3 questions because it had HAUNTED THEM.