Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so horny! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have imagined that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealosy makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how great my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly.
You know, there are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the Producers I slept with - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!