Cerebus

Under the desert sun of Tattoine, emotions flare. People are prejudiced against Jawas, call them names and lay waste to sandcrawlers. What has the government done? What can the government do? Will you stand up for the Jawas and break the circle of violence or would you rather let them fall prey to sandpeople? This time, your actions affect everyone around you! Choose wisely!

Is that what they are called? Translated back from the German, their titles would be "Ewoks: Caravan of the brave" and "Ewoks 2: The Battle for Endor". When I was in primary school, the films were very popular. I don't even want to think about how hilarious they would appear today. ...But back then they were officially part of the Star Wars canon.

All the more reason to get started! Those poor little creatures. Perhaps we should found a private charity! If the UN hasn't managed to establish itself in that particular corner of space, then what good is it anyway? Guess it's "every bear for itself" from now on. The fools! The fooools! But wait till they get intelligence of Endor's enormous squirrel reserves. They will be dropping stormtroopers on the moon's surface before you can say "Wicket". And don't forget the two movies! Pure magic.

Yes, that was what I had in mind! Something your grandfather would shout at a boy in the street who had kicked a football through his window. Interesting. Guess I am a British speaker despite the amount of American movies I consume. You guys will have to watch your language! It is trying to transmute into two seperate entities!

You said it was racist? Sorry, that was not intended. I am not a native speaker. I had the word somewhere in the back of my mind and looked it up. In the dictionary it was listed as "rogue" / "bandit". What are the racial connotations?

Touche.

But... *gasp* aren't we all republicans here? Are there Sith sypathizers present? Don't tell me that you suffer the company of those antisocial rascals! This is a decent forum. A shrine of democracy. How dare you defile our gardens with your despotic egoism? As much as I agree with you concerning the hotels, (if it were up to me they would also pay the squirrel tax, those lazy beary tree-huggers!) I just can't let you burn the republican flag on my watch! Think of your old mother! What would she say if she saw you in one of those Darth-gangs?

Go show em', Neo! Fight da law. But seriously... do you know how futile your post is? a) you are not the first who tries to "continue the glorious tradition"! b) you will acomplish nothing with it. At all. c) forget what I said: The thought that you would always return - probably even from the grave! - to rant for me and mine gives me a warm tingly feeling! And that makes your post an extremely valuable contribution - to my life, to this forum, to the force. So please be careful... you are playing a dangerous game with high stakes! Still, someone has to do it, I guess. Farewell! You'll be back

Endor. Once a peaceful moon full of trees, now the grave of many an Ewok. And even though it is far, far away, we should still make an effort, for this crisis has been going on for a long, long time. Should we send humanitarian aid to Endor? Are we doing enough to find the hideout of Ex-Emperor Palpatine? Can we look into a baby Ewok's eyes and tell him: "Your father died so that the Republic could live!"?

You are right, of course... While we're at it: Let us remember all the brave Ewoks who fell during the battle of Endor, fighting for a cause they couldn't fully understand! Yo! Bear power, brothers! Res-pect! Perhaps you could get Donny Rumsfeld to say a few words on behalf of the furry orphans who have to bear (no pun intended) the consequences of that terrible, terrible tragedy. Let's start another petition! The gap between reality and fiction is overrated, anyway!

Please! Tell me you are joking! (w00t) 'cause if not, this would be the biggest load of Bantha podo I've ever read. (Still incredibly funny, though!)

Good observation! Another character that Darth Nihilus reminded me of was Galactus from Marvel Comics' Silver Surfer: A cosmic being sending out his envoy to search for planets he can devour to still his endless hunger? Pretty close.

What happened to the other characters: Darth Sion made a career as the galaxy's most famous goth-pop star. He composed three albums for angst-ridden teenagers, telling them about his broken soul ("Wound in the force") , the emptiness of existence ("Only what you take with you") and the anguishing (yet stimulating) torment of eternal pain ("Pit of Sarlac"). A few years later he got arrested for selling psychedelic salt to a group of Huttish minors (aged only 70) and was sentenced to ten years of social service, working as a counselor for droid prostitutes on Tattoine. Atton Rand rediscovered his taste for torture. He stole the dancing outfit from the Ebon Hawk, opened a bar in Southern Telos and attends on a very selected clientele. He occasionally hires the Handmaiden to satisfy exceptionally resilient customers. Mandalore auditioned for a role in "Battlestar Galactica" but got rejected because he refused to polish his armor. Darth Nihilus started working as a consultant for "weight-watchers"and developed the revolutionary Miraluka-diet. He isn't hungry anymore. Mira finally settled her dispute with Hanharr and married him. They are both working for an insurance company and have three beautiful hairy children. GO-TO runs a bowling alley on Kashyyyk, together with the remote. Visas had worked as a detective in one of Nar Shadaa's biggest casinos, finally putting her force vision to good use by detecting scammers from afar, but unfortunately turned color blind after seven years of active service. She now travels with a freak show and is happily married to the company's Rancor..

So you got it! Impressive. Thanks for the synopsis.

Exile (to Kreia): "You wouldn't have heard of a Sith-Lord called Nietzsche by any chance, now would you?" ------------------- HK-47 (singing and dancing in step with the HK-50's): "We are strong! No one can tell us we’re wrong! Searching our parts for so lohohong! Love is a battlefield..." ----------------- LA-spokesman (to the characters): "We're altering the ending. Pray that we do not alter it any further!"

Well, thanks for sharing your thoughts anyway, 'Darth'.

Exile (to that guy on Nar Shadaa) : "No way, geek! You knowing some technical stuff about the Ebon Hawk is not a proof of ownership! You'll have to do better than that." ---------- The Onderon spaceport guard: "Forget it, pal. We are not letting you through. You had a visa, you gave it away. You found another one and felt charitable again . What do you expect us to do? Pretend that you still have a visa?" ---------- Exile (to Visas on Dxun): "Quick! Steal another shuttle from the Mandalorians and come to Onderon! Everybody is looking for Visas here! We'll make a fortune!" ------------- HK-47: "Ah, thank the maker! This bloodbath is going to feel so good."

(The other day on Darth Nihilus' ship, during Visa's introduction sequence) Darth Nihilus: "Blshrnk Hjhlchshnkrbyrk Ashshpkrtk!" Visas:"Yes master, I understand. I will see to it that your will is..." [Hesitates] Darth Nihilus: "Glgshnzzrrghg Ashnaz Lo'hrkrtrk Schshshsch'r'prtk!" [Visas looks directly into the camera] Visas: "What the..." [Embarassing silence] Visas: "WHY am I being subtitled? I speak perfect English. What about HIM? He's prattling gibberish, for god's sake!" Darth Nihilus: "Hhhhrkrtkzzzl'bnagretzschbm! Ajjal' huh'bdregshlkrtzlm" [Laughter from the audience] Visas: "What was so funny? I don't even understand him." [Audience roaring with laughter] Visas: "..." [Audience screaming and slapping their legs] Visas: "You know what? That's enough. I'm out of here. I'm changing sides. Five years of acting school, two years playing Ophelia, and now stranded in some dreadful sit-com. So long, suckers." Darth Nihilus: "Grglshk[bLEEP] G'hlwqrz, qu [blEEPblibBLEEEEEEEEEP]!" [Audience breaks down with laughter] ***Commercial break***** Snickers spot

Atton (finally coming to terms with his xenophile nature): "Is it possible to get the bounty dropped but have the Gand still chasing us?" ------------ Atton (standing at the entrance of Vogga's warehouse in a greyish robe, staff and mistletoe in hand): "Ah! Droids only! Got it!" ------------ Exile (looking at the Jedi Masters' bodies):"Hey wait a minute! Shouldn't you guys dissolve or something?" Jedi Masters (jumping up): "Surpriiiiiise!" Exile: "Oh Vrook, you old rascal! Guess I got 'punked' again. Where is the camera?" ------------- Exile: "Sorry, I don't speak Spanish."

Darth Nihilus (at the Galactic Eat-O-Rama fly-in): "I would like to order a super-sized Katarr-meal with extra Miraluka. Oh, and make it a large coke!"" Visas: "Do you want me to hold the eyes?" --------------------- Lando Calrissian (being choked by Hanharr): "Ha...[ch]..HA...HAN..." HK-47 (without limbs, hanging between the Wookie's shoulders) "Educated guess: That sounded like 'Hanharr, you little wuss! You fight like a girl. My pedicure has a stronger grip than you.' Provocation: If I were in your place, I would permanently silence the little twit. Need I remind you how often he told me that your mother is mating with Ewoks?" ----------------------- Exile: "...and then I made my MA in Gibberish." ---------------------- Atton (to HK): "Pit of Sarlac? Sounds romantic. Lets's go! And I thought you didn't like me..."

Carth (to Atton): What! You here, little bro'?" ----------- Darth Vader (to Darth Nihilus): "I didn't want to say anything in front of the troops, but you really need to get your voice box adjusted, comrade." ------------ Mira (to Exile): "Before I make out with you, old man, I would rather kiss a Wookie!" ------------ Lonna Vash: "I love it when a plan comes together" --------------- Young Darth Sidious (to Darth Treya) "But mom! I don't want to eat my spinach!"

GO-TO: "What do you think you're doing, Exile? Daaaaisy , Daaiiiiseeeeeeee....*" ---------------- Darth Sion: "Damn air conditioning! Plays havoc with delicate skin. Where is that beauty creme when you need it?" ---------------- Visas (to Darth Nihilus): "Really, master, you are making great progress with your ventriloquism... but could you please repeat that last order in proper language?" ---------------- Darth Nihilus (for Snickers): "Hunger: Don't let it happen to you!" ---------------- Silver Surfer (to Visas): "Tell me about it. Me and Galactus, we had the same problem...."

T3 (to Exile): "Bwip Bwob-wob BIIIIIIIIUUUUU! Gnig-gnag!" Translation:" What the... You are just making this up, pal! You don't understand anything I'm saying! So, for god's sake, don't put any words into my mouth, you pretentious moron!" -------------- HK-47 (taking a shower): "Do you beliiieve in life after love?" --------------- Mira: "How do you like my new jacket? Real Wookie-fur!" ---------------- T3 (performing routine maintenance on the Ebon Hawk's navigation computer): "bwib- bwib- Bwib. BWIB- BWIIIB . BWUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB!" ----------------- Kreia (living happily ever after as a tour guide on Korriban): "So much for the tomb of Naga Sadow. There will be opportunities to buy snacks and souvenirs later on, so please don't give any money to the natives. Now: If you'd like to follow me to the tomb of Ajunta Pal, the next stop on our tour? Oh: And please be careful not to touch any of the corpses, thank you very much."

Visas (to Darth Nihilus):"I find your lack of face disturbing" ------------ Darth Sion: "OK, you jokers! Who has hidden my sewing kit?" ------------ Kreia: "Oh GOD! Damn those piiiles!" ------------- Mandalore: "Seriously, guys! I swear I didn't steal that family-pack of catheter bags from the nursing home!" ---------------- Atton (to his psychologist, good old Exile): "(Sob)...And that was the fifth time I was disqualified from the Han Solo look-alike competition!" ------------- Exile (to Handmaiden): "Wait a minute... you just wrestled me naked for three consecutive hours, promised to desert Atris and follow me wherever I go and now you won't even give me your bloody name??!" -------- Kreia (to Vogga): "Good evening. Could I interest you in one carbonite-frozen pilot by any chance?"