Oliver's story time!

[Calax]

Yeahhh... Posting this from my phone in bed so bear with me... Just a story idea/scene that's been rattling in my head.

 

The fires crackled, spotting and hissing their disapproval of the damp logs the storm had created. With each pop a small group of children in the corner of the inn would jump and look wild eyed around the great room. Everyone could feel the tension between the Germanic auxilia "peacekeepers" and the four traders in the opposite corner. The serving girl couldn't even get the newcomers their orders because the Auxilia were demanding her attention any time she went near that table.

"Even Augustus on his throne would be faster!" Yelled one of the drunken Germans, trying and failing to stifle a giggle as she brought out the same plate of lamb for the sixth time. As she passed their table one hand reached out and caught the back of her dress, tearing the worn materIal with ease and causing her to drop the try while laughs boomed from the "peacekeepers". The entire rest of the den went silent as the naked girl turned and fled back to the safety of the kitchen.

"Lass! You fergot yer-"

The rest of the se tangs was lost as a knife thud-d-d-ded into the table before the molester. Across the room one of the traders was still holding his position as if he had been crystallized in time with his throw. Two of the others looked at him with only an eyebrow raised at his actions while the last pressed back deeper into the shadows.

Nervous shuffling accompanied a general evacuation of patrons with only a few brave ones remaining to peek over their counter, table, or window to watch the fight they new was coming. Auxilia were the law, nobody fought Rome's law and won.

Edited October 6, 2013 by Calax

[Orogun01]

You may want to add more figures of speech or something to make the story interesting without resorting to over description. Unless you've been reading A song of Fire & Ice in which I forgive you for describing everything in detail as you probably can't help yourself.

[Calax]

Hey I only spent about 10-20 minutes putting that in while Octavian tried to munch on the phone. I'll expand it further when I get some more free time.

[Walsingham]

I'm not sure this is the right milieu to use. Have you read any Lindsay Davis?

[ManifestedISO]

Familiarity with active-voice versus passive-voice can empower stories and enthrall readers. And make writers feel like Hemingway without the booze and firearms.     

[Walsingham]

Familiarity with active-voice versus passive-voice can empower stories and enthrall readers. And make writers feel like Hemingway without the booze and firearms.     

 

Could you elaborate? Sounds like I could absorb some of that lesson.

[JFSOCC]

 

Familiarity with active-voice versus passive-voice can empower stories and enthrall readers. And make writers feel like Hemingway without the booze and firearms.

 

Could you elaborate? Sounds like I could absorb some of that lesson.

 

ditto, especially since nanowrimo is around the corner.

[ManifestedISO]

 

Familiarity with active-voice versus passive-voice can empower stories and enthrall readers. And make writers feel like Hemingway without the booze and firearms.     

 

Could you elaborate? Sounds like I could absorb some of that lesson.

 

 

I am no instructor, but I enjoyed a revelation when the distinction between voices became apparent.

 

An active voice is the subject (of a sentence) giving it good to an object, by way of a verb. The weak, passive voice indicates that the subject is the one getting pounded by a verb.

 

See if you can tell which sentence is active, which is passive, without identifying subjects, objects, or verbs:

 

 

Raistlin's thin, clawlike hand gripped Tanis's arm.

 

Tanis's arm was gripped by Raistlin's thin hand like a claw. 

 

 

Hand is the subject, grip is the verb, and arm is the object. Active: hand grips arm. Passive: arm was gripped by hand. The top sentence is the active voice, and the bottom is passive (!). More importantly, the top one is easier to read, shorter, and implies direct action. Almost all writing benefits from the choice of an active subject, since objects are just objects without a good verb. Once you see it, you'll see it everywhere.      

Edited October 8, 2013 by ManifestedISO

[Tale]

One thing I came upon recently is varying sentence length. I'm not sure it's a one size fits what everyone does, but it helps me look over my own work without feeling too mechanical or tedious. Instead of having nothing but long sentences where things go on and on, have some shorter sentences. Just a little.

[PK htiw klaw eriF]

Familiarity with active-voice versus passive-voice can empower stories and enthrall readers. And make writers feel like Hemingway without the booze and firearms.

But, why would you not want booze and firearms?

[Walsingham]

Interesting.

 

I'd have thought - logically - that it made sense to signify the target/object first. But nevertheless, you have the air of a man who knows what he's about. I'll give it a go.

[Orogun01]

Grammar:"The Thread"

[Calax]

The angry German growled before flinging the scraps of dress into the air between the two tables. The traders lost sight of the drunken auxilia for a split second, but that was long enough for the Germans to send their table spinning through the dress to attempt to smash the knife wielder and his friends. Before it could reach the any member of the traders table, there was a flick from the foot of the man in back and a second table rose to meet the first. The knife thrower started moving swiftly under the splintering tables, but wasn't as nimble as he thought he should be. He bit back a cry as a shower of splinters filled his neck and arm with an array of splintered needlework of pain. His left arm, unharmed, snapped two more knives across the floor to embed themselves in the ankles of the molester.

 

A german, wielding a massive sword not normally seen within auxilia contingents, roared and was sprinting behind the table, only to be cut off in surprise first by the table not continuing to move, then by the small man diving beneath him as he lept onto and over the table to attempt to catch the traders off guard. Instead of surprise his attack was caught in mid air by one of the traders wielding an old style gladius. They matched each other blow for blow, but the german was tiring faster than his opponent, who had an economy of movement rarely seen outside the Legions. As this dawned on him his defenses slipped and the gladius was embedded in his ribcage expertly sliding in and out before he had finished dying.

 

The other members of the german table put up a good fight but were outfought by what was obviously professional fighters. The other sword fighter was left with a nasty cut on his breast but managed to dispatch the two lesser fighters still at the table, leaving only the molester to the cruel mercies of the knife thrower.

 

“Lucius, make sort work of this eh? We're going to have to depart before dawn!” the first trader said while cleaning his blade.

 

“Gaius, I hardly think I'm going to take that long... I'm an artist with a knife, but certainly am not a perfectionist” the knife wielder responded.

 

“Well we need to get out of here after finishing our task. Octavius is not that pleased with this exposition of our talents. And Crassus needs to have his chest examined by one of the priests.” Gaius responded, sliding his blade away before ducking out the now empty inn's door to get to work on the now time sensitive task before him.

 

Lucius looked back at the man in black, who glared from under the hood of his overcoat before turning and leaving without saying a word.

 

“Fine” Lucius sighed ending his plans for the molester before helping Crassus stand and out to the wagon.

 

The next day, before the Auxilia barracks stood an Imperial Standard, a symbol that caused the entire garrison to seal it's gates to the townsfolks delight, and fear for only the Auxilia really knew what the Standard meant.

 

 

 

 

Yes I am slowly continuing this... not to happy with that last sentance but F- it.

[Orogun01]

Better.