Walkabout - A Short Story

[Baley]

In two weeks I, and a number of my colleagues, will be meeting the American Ambassador, Nicholas Taubman at his residence in Bucharest. It's an annual escapade, nothing too fancy, we'll have a chat, watch a movie, strengthen Romanian-American relations, blah blah blah. You know the drill. I'm not usually keen on these things, bland upper class parties with bland upper class people talking bland upper class things. "D'you hear about Madam Wilkinson? Her late husband had been ****ing all over town, fathering dozens of bastards, real shame, poor woman."

 

Yeah, not my thing, machinations, innuendos, liars and chumps.

 

Ah, but my future is looking rather bleak, I need more extracurricular activities. Better Grades. Critical Acclaim. Yeah.

 

If things go well, I'll be getting a shiny diploma, which would easily fortify my chances for a scholarship. I need to get out of this country. And fast.

 

Now here's my problem, I'll have to write a short story, the subject? You guessed it. North Dakota. Now, I know this isn't exactly the most interesting place in the world, but someone, somewhere, must have a funny tale to tell. Bout their dimply cousins wasting kittens on the main road, throwing them in public ****houses, smiling or grinning. Bout Aunt Laney Mae and her fabulous adventures on her fabulous ranch. Anything really.

 

Anecdotes, strange places, foods, drinks, famous people, rumours, gossip, politics, murders, the shocking and the foul, the nice and the boring, whatever you fine folks can share.

 

My thanks.

Edited June 7, 2006 by metadigital

[Musopticon?]

So you are not going to do the whole, sorry but I must quote Nibbler here:

I've been thinking it this way, be prepared here it comes. The man (played on the stage by yours truly, moustache and beard all groomed nice and tidy, black denim pants, leather jacket, rebellious youth ironic styling) is passing through this small Dakotan town, well know for it's hospitality and, obviously, cuisine. Well. Long story short. He hits on this gruff looking cowboy. The whole town is enraged. Christian fury mode. The poet gets hanged by his balls in the town centre, small children cheering, hausefraus bustling with pride. Gonna be a success. I'm sure. Certain even. thing?

Edited June 2, 2006 by Musopticon?

[Baley]

They vetoed it.

[kirottu]

Is North Dakota good KKK material?

[Llyranor]

You should write an article on the economic state of North Dakota as influenced by the migratory habits of the common American pigeon.

[SteveThaiBinh]

Have you even been to North Dakota? I think my entire knowledge of the place comes from the episode of the West Wing where they're discussing changing their name because the word 'North' frightens away the tourists.

[Atreides]

Just wiki it dude.

[Baley]

I need a more personal perspective. Wikipedia is too soulless.

[Craigboy2]

In two weeks I, and a number of my colleagues, will be meeting the American Ambassador, Nicholas Taubman at his residence in Bucharest. It's an annual escapade, nothing too fancy, we'll have a chat, watch a movie, strengthen Romanian-American relations, blah blah blah. You know the drill. I'm not usually keen on these things, bland upper class parties with bland upper class people talking bland upper class things.  "D'you hear about Madam Wilkinson? Her late husband had been ****ing all over town, fathering dozens of bastards, real shame, poor woman."

 

Yeah, not my thing, machinations, innuendos, liars and chumps.

 

Ah, but my future is looking rather bleak, I need more extracurricular activities. Better Grades. Critical Acclaim. Yeah.

 

If things go well, I'll be getting a shiny diploma, which would easily fortify my chances for a scholarship. I need to get out of this country. And fast.

 

Now here's my problem, I'll have to write a short story, the subject? You guessed it. North Dakota. Now, I know this isn't exactly the most interesting place in the world, but someone, somewhere, must have a funny tale to tell. Bout their dimply cousins wasting kittens on the main road, throwing them in public ****houses, smiling or grinning. Bout Aunt Laney Mae and her fabulous adventures on her fabulous ranch. Anything really.

 

Anecdotes, strange places, foods, drinks, famous people, rumours, gossip, politics, murders, the shocking and the foul, the nice and the boring, whatever you fine folks can share.

 

My thanks.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You could write about Mount Rushmore...oh wait that's in South Dakota. Well I guess you can write about why South Dakota is better than North Dakota.

[WinterSun]

I need to get out of this country. And fast.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

You could get yourself smuggled into England. It'll only cost you about six grand.

[Gromnir]

the kkk don't have much of a foothold in ND. is not like there ain't racism, but is not so overt. people in the dakotas and minnesota is usually very polite, and the kkk is too rude for most of the locals.

 

*shrug*

 

story? we worked for the US Attorney's office in ND for a short time after we graduated from law school. am a SD native and we wanted to be close to "home." anywho, the typical us attorney's office in anyplace other than ND is gonna be handling drug cases... lots and lots of drug cases. ain't so in ND. smuggling of endangered and protected animal species were our #1 priority... honest.

 

at the time we were with the us attorney's office we were dealing with this big smuggling opperation going on that involved capture and transport of gyrfalcons from the dakotas 'cross the border into kanada. the birds, much prized by middle-eastern falconry afficianados, were then transported to saudi arabia. sadly, a goodly number of birds had died as the smugglers were more concerned with not getting caught than they were with the health and welfarte of the birds.

 

good news is that the smugglers were brought to justice... but the saudi's who engineered the whole thing simply wrote a big check. we could seize their assets, but we couldn't bring 'em to the US to stand trial, and we had no way of getting the birds back neither.

 

were ultimately pretty pointless.

 

there you go, a real nd story.

 

HA! Good Fun!

[Darth Drabek]

That is some interesting stuff about the falcons. I've been to South Dakota myself on several occasions, but never to the northern lands. I've even got a Wall Drug bumper sticker on my guitar case.

 

My fiancee's brother is stationed at an air force base in North Dakota. He hasn't said much about it, except that it was exceptionally cold in the winter, and he's a Cleveland native, so he's used to cold winters.

[Baley]

You could get yourself smuggled into England. It'll only cost you about six grand.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Yeah, I'd really enjoy slaving my life away, 20 hours a day, 120 hours a week, in a state of constant poverty. Could watch some football on the weekend while getting my skull cracked by some random toddler fancying himself a grade A hooligan. Living in the slums. Eating in the slums. Breeding in the slums.

 

You know, as curious as this may be, I think I'd rather do it the legal way.

 

 

 

Thank you, Gromnir. That makes for an interesting background detail.

 

Now, all I need to do is find a site detailing ND's weather conditions and\or a more intimate detailing of its history.

[Oerwinde]

Just write a fiction story about aliens landing and making first contact in North Dakota, or it being destroyed by a meteor or something cool like that. Have some sort of race of superbeings who were living beneath the ground emerge and claim it as their own, annihilating any local culture leaving only what you make up.

[Atreides]

Just write a fiction story about aliens landing and making first contact in North Dakota, or it being destroyed by a meteor or something cool like that. Have some sort of race of superbeings who were living beneath the ground emerge and claim it as their own, annihilating any local culture leaving only what you make up.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't think a story about Mexicans tunneling under the border and coming out in ND would sit well with the dudes.

[Surreptishus]

Invoke 9/11 to give the story gravitas.

[LoneWolf16]

Make every other word relate to freedom and the fight against terrorism too while you're at it.

[Gromnir]

history o' nd? well, as with most of America, there were indigenous peoples living in what is now known as nd. those peoples were killed or displaced picemeal or enmasse so as to make proper civilization possible in what were formerly barbaric and heathen lands. is not surprising that the barbaric peoples living in what is now known as nd did not particularly wanna be displaced or killed.

 

hokahey

 

well, after those pesky indigenous peoples were eliminated or confined, euro settlers were now free to enjoy the wonders of nd. since there weren't no such wonders very few euros made their way to nd until the northen pacific railroad gots completed... then fargo and bismark became railroad towns filled with lots o' germans and norski and irish.

 

not much worth noting happened in nd until just before the great depression. while technically a republican dominated state, a bunch o' socialists controlled state politics. they advocated stuff like womens sufferage and state ownership of banks and grain elevators and a few had been very much opposed to the US entering ww1. the great depression and post ww1 nationalism helped destroy the socialist movement in ND... which had a momentary rebirth in the 30s. in any event, the political landscape were particularly compelling from 1900-1935 or so. is worth looking into.

 

nd is dependent on agriculture in a big way. the history of the state, after the early genocide period, were probaly more influenced by occasional droughts or floods and by foreign grain prices than by the actual issues that were being discussed or debated in state congress.

 

*shrug*

 

HA! Good Fun!

[Craigboy2]

Just write a fiction story about aliens landing and making first contact in North Dakota, or it being destroyed by a meteor or something cool like that. Have some sort of race of superbeings who were living beneath the ground emerge and claim it as their own, annihilating any local culture leaving only what you make up.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't think a story about Mexicans tunneling under the border and coming out in ND would sit well with the dudes.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't you mean Canadians? Mexico is pretty far away from ND.

Edited June 3, 2006 by Craigboy2

[kirottu]

Baley, I sat this with all seriousness that I can muster: add "lactating monkey nipples" at some part of your story and it will be a total winner.

 

A Winner I tell you!

[Baley]

Okay, I got some of it done, now I need your honest critique. Opinions, please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was walking, or running, or trekking, or marching, doing just about everything a man can do to get from point A to point B on two legs. Point A was the small town of Devils Lake, North Dakota, home of Satan, Sioux rellocation and a whole lot of water. 79

[kirottu]

It was good, but where was "lactating monkey nipples"?

[Baley]

Read it again. Pay attention this time.

[Daaave]

It was good, but where was "lactating monkey nipples"? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Bottom of the first paragraph.

[kirottu]

Sorry. :">

 

It

Edited June 3, 2006 by kirottu