Declaration of Revocation

[Gorth]

Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese

 

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your

failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

 

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the

97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the

need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on

your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping

half the letters.

 

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

 

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'

e.g.Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if

you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

 

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look

up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with

filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable

and inefficient form of communication.

 

Look up "interspersed."

 

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not

old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use

bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know

on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

 

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---

Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with

subtitles.

 

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such

place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If

you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become

"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

English characters.

 

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be

re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't

cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you

to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game.

 

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You

will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper

football.

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a

difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to

play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

body armour like nancies).

 

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

 

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event

called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of

America.

 

Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be

allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball

without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no

longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than

a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day."

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand

the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French

fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you

insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips

are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to

chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

 

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to

be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not

actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British

Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and

accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances

formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as

"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the

American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak

Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as

manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold

without risk of confusion.

 

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as

you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices

with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the

former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices

(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're

not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to

1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

[Arkan]

I'd like to see them try. ^_^

[Shadowstrider]

As much as I like John Cleese, I have one problem with his little tangent.

 

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

Literally every dictionary I've checked has this spelling CLEARLY labeled as "Chiefly British."

 

There is no i in the ending. It is aluminum not aluminium.

 

I'm sure I could disect it a bit, but mreh. Maybe we should just conquer Britain because they don't bother to elect their royals, at all?

[kirottu]

There is no i in the ending.  It is aluminum not aluminium.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Must be an american dictionary.

[Kaftan Barlast]

Oh That John, he shure is one witty old boy :D

 

 

 

...and strangely enough I had some rather disturbing dream about being on a pleasure cruise with Margret Thatcher

[Darth_Radnor]

As much as I like John Cleese, I have one problem with his little tangent.

 

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

Literally every dictionary I've checked has this spelling CLEARLY labeled as "Chiefly British."

 

There is no i in the ending. It is aluminum not aluminium.

 

I'm sure I could disect it a bit, but mreh. Maybe we should just conquer Britain because they don't bother to elect their royals, at all?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Be sure to check British dictionaries next time too, because they invented the language...just because Webster wanted to make corrections to the English language doesn't mean that the rest of the world follows American English.

[Shadowstrider]

As much as I like John Cleese, I have one problem with his little tangent.

 

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

Literally every dictionary I've checked has this spelling CLEARLY labeled as "Chiefly British."

 

There is no i in the ending. It is aluminum not aluminium.

 

I'm sure I could disect it a bit, but mreh. Maybe we should just conquer Britain because they don't bother to elect their royals, at all?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Be sure to check British dictionaries next time too, because they invented the language...just because Webster wanted to make corrections to the English language doesn't mean that the rest of the world follows American English.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

No single individual, nor even one country "invented" english. This idea is simplistically idiotic.

 

English evolved over time from old english (sometimes called Anglish). It altered when the vikings began to conquer the isle(still seen today if you visit the eastern parts of the isle, even in town names, store names, etc...). It evolved further when the french invaded and transforumed the language further. It has changed an innumerable amount of times, and continues to do so.

 

So unless you want to start pronouncing jail as gaile(how it was originally spelled when introduced to english), relax on the "old way or the highway" theory.

 

Humphry Davy, originally named it aluminium, then aluminum to conform with the latin derivative. He was then persuaded to go back to -ium to conform with the -ium naming convention (which he had originally started for other elements, like Sodium).

 

P.S. Webster actually used the -ium ending in his dictionaries. The first Webster's to use the -um spelling was in 1913, nearly a century after the original, in 1828.

[Mosaic]

Hmm, well I do agree we can't rule our country well. So, maybe the brits can do it better. I for one welcome our new british masters! ^_^

[Darth_Radnor]

No single individual, nor even one country "invented" english.  This idea is simplistically idiotic.

 

English evolved over time from old english (sometimes called Anglish).  It altered when the vikings began to conquer the isle(still seen today if you visit the eastern parts of the isle, even in town names, store names, etc...).  It evolved further when the french invaded and transforumed the language further.  It has changed an innumerable amount of times, and continues to do so.

 

So unless you want to start pronouncing jail as gaile(how it was originally spelled when introduced to english), relax on the "old way or the highway" theory.

 

You have a good point, although pronouncing "colonel" as "kernel" ticks me

 

Humphry Davy, originally named it aluminium, then aluminum to conform with the latin derivative.  He was then persuaded to go back to -ium to conform with the -ium naming convention (which he had originally started for other elements, like Sodium).

 

P.S. Webster actually used the -ium ending in his dictionaries.  The first Webster's to use the -um spelling was in 1913, nearly a century after the original, in 1828.

 

Actually the American Chemical Society changed it in 1925. But you are right in other facts. But to imperatively decree that "aluminum" is right and "aluminium" is wrong is a small fallacy, considering that most of the world uses British English.

[Reveilled]

Aluminum sounds better. And if people gripe about Aluminum and use Aluminium instead, why don't they say Platinium?

[Kaftan Barlast]

Because it is called "Platina". As a proof for how wrong your vulgar term "aluuuminummm" is, ponder how odd it was if you were to say "Uranum, Tritum, Plutonum" ?

[Reveilled]

Because it is called "Platina". As a proof for how wrong your vulgar term "aluuuminummm" is, ponder how odd it was if you were to say "Uranum, Tritum, Plutonum" ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Last time I checked, it was called Platinum, not Platina. We aren't speaking Latin. But if we are speaking Latin, and you consider "Platina" a good reason for Platinum, isn't "Alumina" a good reason for Aluminum?

Yes, Uranum and Tritum and Plutonum don't sound as nice as Uranium, Tritium, and Plutonium, but Aluminium and Platinium don't sound as nice as Aluminum and Platinum.

 

Oh, and by the way, it isn't my "aluminum", I'm British. I just think that the Americans got some of their changes right.

[Zoq-Fot-Pik]

Zoq: Who really gives a f-ck?

 

Fot: Hah! You messed up!

 

Pik: ...

 

Zoq: Enjoy it now...it doesn't happen often.

[Kaftan Barlast]

Who really gives a f-ck?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Shhh! You`re spoiling the fun!

[There is only the force]

I just say speak english like the english it is their language

[Oerwinde]

long ago my girlfriend lost a spelling bee because she spelled Theatre as Theatre. Silly americans thinking the right spelling is wrong.

[Arkan]

long ago my girlfriend lost a spelling bee because she spelled Theatre as Theatre. Silly americans thinking the right spelling is wrong.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

One of those "either/or" I'd say.

[Laozi]

Have we really fallen so far as to be less then british? I'll never understand how anyone can watch soccer. Playing it is great but watching it blows