alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I'm a bit up and down with the burning of a bridge with a good friend that I struggled with feelings for. I ended up being a giant ****, in part because I had to be. She could see that I was getting stressed, and said that she felt maybe we shouldn't be friends...but I knew that wasn't enough. I knew I'd find a way to stay latched, with this idea that if things still didn't work out with her and her husband, she'd pick me. I realized I was willing to wait for that, which was bad. So, I was an **** and hurt her, because I needed her to hate me. She has requested that I not contact her again (though she did invite me to the Halloween party she is hosting) and I don't blame her. The problem was that I couldn't make her mad directly, so I betrayed her trust and voiced my concerns of things that happened since we "broke up" to a friend of hers (the only person who knew how close she and I had become). My friend is pissed understandably, because I needed to burn the bridge because I was convinced there was a secret passage on it somewhere that led to somewhere other than friendland. While I felt that way, I knew I could never truly move on, because I didn't want to. Because I hurt her and made her hate me, it put me in a place where I feel that even if her and her husband don't work out, she won't choose me. It's really helped the moving on. I also told my roommate about it (which made my friend angry, but in this regard I don't care how it makes her feel because I needed someone closer to the situation to know what was up). My friend is "kicking my ass" to make sure that I don't do anything stupid, and to remind me that I can't worry about what she thinks, and to not change my life because of this. A bit of me does want to explain to her why I did what I had to do, and why right now I can't be friends with her. A part of me hopes that in the future (and it won't be soon, it can't be for my own sake) we are able to get past this and maintain something resembling a friendship, though it'll never be like it was. Maybe that will be too hard for me, and things truly are gone forever. Which is too bad because she is/was a great friend to me when I needed it. Though I do have to move on and if this is what it takes, then that is it. For the most part I am doing well. I feel much better than I did the past couple of weeks in general, but a couple times a day I get hit with a pang of just how real it is, that we might never talk to each other again. For having this person a part of my life for the last two years, it seems weird. I am not sure if it is good or bad to try to get 5 minutes of her time to quickly explain...the main reason why I want to talk is that it did negatively affect her friendship with the one I betrayed trust to, and if possible I would like to set that right, because she ended up caught in the middle because I was too much of a chicken **** and unable to directly do something to hurt her, so I threw a curveball via her friend. I didn't know what else to do though... I needed her to crush me and get mad at me, because I think it was the only way I was really ever going to move on. Up and down. Mostly up, but right now, a bit down
qt3.14159 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Whatever you need to do to break the cord, alanschu. That interminable "maybe" is the absolute worst state for a relationship to be in for your sanity. I hope you can get some distance between you now. Good luck! Anybody here catch that? All I understood was 'very'.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Whatever you need to do to break the cord, alanschu. That interminable "maybe" is the absolute worst state for a relationship to be in for your sanity. I hope you can get some distance between you now. Good luck! Thanks! Right now I am up again, and usually am. I am trying to decide if I should bother explaining myself or not, or just leave things be.
qt3.14159 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Thanks! Right now I am up again, and usually am. I am trying to decide if I should bother explaining myself or not, or just leave things be. Leave things be!! You start explaining, you'll start apologizing and soon enough you're right back to where you were.... I know this hurts, but it's going to hurt regardless. It's like a band aid, you just gotta rip it off all at once and get it over with. Anybody here catch that? All I understood was 'very'.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Thanks! Right now I am up again, and usually am. I am trying to decide if I should bother explaining myself or not, or just leave things be. Leave things be!! You start explaining, you'll start apologizing and soon enough you're right back to where you were.... I know this hurts, but it's going to hurt regardless. It's like a band aid, you just gotta rip it off all at once and get it over with. That is true and is pretty much the reason why I haven't. Though I don't think I'd apologize because I don't really regret what I did to her, for her or my sake. It seems to have spilled over and affected two other people as well, which does make me feel a bit bad since it's not really their fault. I don't think I'd apologize to her though. I am pretty convinced that this is what I needed to do for myself. Much of my "blame" has shifted from her husband to her. Though it is strange because I did receive an invitation from her to go to her Halloween party, and a friend of hers that has been working on a "Geek Test" (like those online nerd tests to see how nerdy you are) just contacted me yesterday looking for some video game related questions. My roommate figures that she invited me, and has her friend asking me, to not arouse suspicion. But when you say to me you don't want me to contact you, doing these types of things is a bit of a dangerous bluff. There are other people going to the Halloween party that I am friends with, so I am still probably going to go. My roommate said I should use it as a test....if I go and I find myself struggling to ignore her, then I should leave and recognize that I still have a long ways to go. If I go and have no problems ignoring her and just being myself, then I can feel good about myself that I have made good strides (plus it's an excuse to Rock Band!). At the same time, I am a bit conflicted that if I go along with the things to not arouse suspicion, then I'll just be doing something for her.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 As I think about it, part of me seems to think she wants me to maintain a facade friendship with her, since we share a lot of friends. But honestly, I don't give a **** about the questions people may ask if they see she and I aren't good friends, and part of me wants to say that to her. If she is pissed at me to the point of no return, then no sense maintaining a facade friendship IMO.
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 trying to "explain" things to this girl is not about letting her know why you did what you did, it is only about you rationalizing to yourself why you did what you did, possibly even in hopes of rekindling something anew. let it drop. keeping the issue alive will only extend whatever pain both of you are currently experiencing. been there, done that. taks comrade taks... just because.
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 btw, llyr, i'm down to ONLY 50 mg of sertraline (zoloft) and the occasional ranitidine (zantac) for my stomach. i've totally kicked the omeprazole (prilosec) since it was not helping (i think it made things worse overall). ranitidine every other day and the occasional tums are sufficient for heart burn. the only drug for me is alcohol, simultaneously the cause and solution of most of life's problems (thanks homer). taks comrade taks... just because.
Humodour Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I find getting drunk and ranting emotionally about it to a friend who doesn't give a ****, but is nonetheless sympathetic, often helps. Very cathartic.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 trying to "explain" things to this girl is not about letting her know why you did what you did, it is only about you rationalizing to yourself why you did what you did, possibly even in hopes of rekindling something anew. let it drop. keeping the issue alive will only extend whatever pain both of you are currently experiencing. been there, done that. taks Thanks for the perspective. Though I have been rationalizing on my own a lot My roommate suggests I keep my space as well. He and I are both unsure of why she invited me to a Halloween party the day after she said she didn't want to be contacted again by me. He figures she is either hoping to maintain a facade of a friendship so people don't ask questions (which I agree with), which makes me think to tell her to **** off. He also wonders if she did it because she doesn't want to cut things off entirely and wants to remain "friends" in some way, and then wondered if that is the case, is that fair to me. Regardless of what I do, I do recognize and believe I need time away from her, and probably a lot. So in that sense, it is good. I think part of the reason of talking to her one last time is because I am a last word type of person too haha.
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I think part of the reason of talking to her one last time is because I am a last word type of person too haha. i'm a last word type of person myself, so i know the feeling. maybe we do that for our own satisfaction? i must say that i would be tempted in this situation to get the last word in with her, whether it be to tell her to stuff it in her pipe or to "explain" things, but i would also hope that a friend would kick me in the arse and tell me to just forget her and move on. it's kinda like getting kicked in the jimmy... you have to stand up and stretch out immediately in spite of the desire to stay curled up on the floor. the pain is much more intense but it goes away quicker. taks comrade taks... just because.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 (edited) Hahaha that is intense. Rumors through the grapevine (my roommate who is talking to the other person that knows that is friends with the girl in question....I told the other girl that I told my roommate, which is good because apparently she is grateful to have someone to talk to) are an admission that she isn't sure if she can give 100% to her husband if I am around, which is sort of what I thought (and she kept denying to me which frustrated me...I thought that it was possible I was crazy and just seeing things my way, but maybe not), and as a result invited me to the Halloween party so she wouldn't have to explain to people why she didn't. On the PLUS side, the other friend said to my roommate that the girl probably does still want to be friends with me (suppositions though). I say plus side because after hearing that my views of "I need to create space" haven't wavered. Since the girl seems to be back on speaking terms with the two other people that might have had friendships burned, my desire to talk has really satiated. Which is good. EDIT: I think sending the email to the friend made the friend call out the girl on her actions, and the girl was more able to be truly honest with the friend than me when I asked about it. Edited October 3, 2008 by alanschu
Nick_i_am Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Next week on Obsenders! Who's baby is Hades REALLY carrying? (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it)
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 cue soap music. actually, i have it on good rumor that hades is carrying his own baby. it is a widely believed fact. oh, as for today, i had a beer lunch here. i had three of the farmhouse saison beers. 7.4% abv. oof. nice toasty lunch buzz. their chicken tenders and belgian fries were awesome. mmmm... the beer was, without a doubt, one of the best beers i've ever had. spiced with coriander, apparently, and made with a variety of malts. ahhhh... taks comrade taks... just because.
Shryke Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 i'm at work and i really don't wanna be barely slept at all the girl i was with got to stay in bed and go back to sleep, but i had to get up and get ready for work i'm kinda grumpy and half asleep, and my boss said i looked like i wasn't feeling very well, so i might exploit that and say i'm feeling sick so i can go back home and go back to bed when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse!
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 ah yes, i'm in that boat now as well, though not because i don't feel well. actually, i feel great. three of those beers was just enough to totally take the edge off, but now i want to leave... and drink more, of course. oh, sorry, the "same boat" comparison: i didn't sleep at all last night, either. in fact, i had a migraine this morning, fell back asleep and ended up getting my son to school an hour late. the beer has lulled me into a false sense of happiness that will wear off in an hour or two and then i'm gonna gripe about needing sleep. hey, at least you got to say "the girl i was with..." taks comrade taks... just because.
Shryke Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 she just txted me she's still in my bed being lazy damn her... i wanna be in bed.... when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse!
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 well, if she's still in bed when you get home... ahem. dang, now i'm hating the fact that tonight is pool night. we're not at our home bar (actually at a place i don't like), so i won't do much drinking (if any). rather be home... wife... taks comrade taks... just because.
Shryke Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 get your head outta the gutter i'm too tired for that right now well... actually probably not... but that's not the point! when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse!
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 can't help it... buzzed, happy. taks comrade taks... just because.
alanschu Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Haha dammit, a mutual friend invite me along to join for a group get together of "My Name is Bruce" which I have wanted to see for a long time. He and I talked about seeing it a while ago and were super stoked about it. Of course, I find out that SHE is invited as well. Doh!
Nick_i_am Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 can't help it... buzzed, happy. Hey! Kerzack neeed those! (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it)
Shryke Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 alright i'm off home back to bed weeeeee when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse!
taks Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 beers? or pills? mine happiness is due to beers, and is now wearing off (3 strong beers but i weigh nearly 240 lbs.). taks comrade taks... just because.
Nick_i_am Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Did you put lime in it? (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it)
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