Man mauled in gruesome chimp attack!

[jaguars4ever]

[Laozi]

:D

[Darth_Radnor]

I'm still voting for kumquatq3.

[LoneWolf16]

Bet's on Kumquat...Have to factor in human tenacity in the face of imminent danger.

 

The strength thing.....not so much of an issue as you'd think. Intellect comes into play too, doesn't it? Certainly, a healthy adult male human could out-think our furry relative...I'm not saying that it all comes down to smarts, but people seem to be forgetting that whole...capability to strategize...thing....And I agree, it'd be hard as hell for someone to keep their cool in that situation, but if they maintained their composure...the little poo-flingin' bastard would sooooo die.............After gnawing off a few limbs/digits/dangling parts of the human anatomy, of course.

[nightcleaver]

Well, there has reportedly been a dolphin attempt at rape/sexual molestation of a human female. Eh, maybe they just like us TOO much...

 

KEEP IT IN YOUR SLIT THINGY ON YOUR BELLY!!

 

Of course, frankly, and I remember a lot about dolphins... dolphins don't have territories, and they don't raid "enemy pods" like chimps do, kill the enemy children, and screw the enemy mothers. They do compete with eachother about mating, however, and that's the only thing I remember about aggression. I used to be Teh Expert at this, too - so unless you know better.

 

Volourn, you ARE rather irritating.

 

Frankly, it's easy to imagine how humans overpower and capture Chimps, instead of the other way around; first of all, chimps DON'T HAVE ZOOS! Wow. We're pretty unique in that, you know. Also, chimps don't use tranq guns or nets, and they don't have helicopters. For the most part they'd have to travel many miles from their habitat to capture live humans, and yet they have yet to invent a combustion engine. I'm sure there are far less than 5 billion chimps in the world, where right now there are (more than) 5 billion people in the world. Yeah, they're a bit outnumbered, too.

 

And no, chimps don't have Deagles, either. They have rocks, though, and enormous strength, and they DO know how to use those.

 

Oh; you don't see chimps throwing their natural predators, because they'd get crushed by them. There is a matter of leverage here, and they really don't have the weight; but I'd believe that a chimp has at least five times the strength of a human, because chimps are capable of pulling limbs off of healthy, full-grown average men. The strength is in their arms, not weight. Ever tried, I mean really TRIED, pulling someones arm off? Hmm...

 

The difficult thing would be reach. The easy thing would be that, well, chimps are actually pretty light themselves, so you could through them around and bash their heads in about as well as they could rip your arms off. Or your butt-cheeks and testicles, for that matter.

[jaguars4ever]

The whole arm ripping thing puts things in perspective - kumquatq has no chance...yet.

 

But if 80's action movies have taught us something, is that a complete novice can become a Champion at absolutely anything with the aid of a two minute montage.

 

*kumquatq "The Champ" trains hard*

 

^_^

[NInjaPirate]

I think that Kumquatq would win this one on pure intelligence. It this was a wrestling match Kumquatq would certainly get his ass handed to him. I can just picture Kumquatq running from the chimp then turning around and predending that the chimps head is a kick ball. But the key part of this is will Kumquatq scream and wet his pants like a little girl or not (most likely he would chimps are scary).

[Atomic Space Vixen]

The strength thing.....not so much of an issue as you'd think. Intellect comes into play too, doesn't it?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then the advantage would still be with the chimp.

 

 

Sorry, but I have to counter the "alpha male" comment before your head grows big enough to crush the chimp, Kumquat.

[Darth_Radnor]

The whole arm ripping thing puts things in perspective - kumquatq has no chance...yet.

 

But if 80's action movies have taught us something, is that a complete novice can become a Champion at absolutely anything with the aid of a two minute montage. 

 

*kumquatq "The Champ" trains hard*

 

^_^

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

kumquatq3 begins training...

 

"Gonna Fly Now"!

[wannabealoser125]

HAHAHA! I cant belive I live like 10 miles from where that happend and I never heard about it untill just now... How pathetic am I :"> .....

Sucks for the people it affected (or is it effected, I could never remember the diffrence)...

[kumquatq3]

Sorry, but I have to counter the "alpha male" comment before your head grows big enough to crush the chimp, Kumquat.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

::slaps on another testosterone patch::

 

::grunts::

 

 

kumquatq3 begins training...

 

"Gonna Fly Now"!

 

I put up pictures of the evil monkey from Family Guy to motivate me

 

[LoneWolf16]

I put up pictures of the evil monkey from Family Guy to motivate me

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

lol, love that show...poor monkey...being cheated on by its wife and going into a homocidal rage like that...........................

 

I'm actually trying to visualize this fight.....and its not lookin' good for kumquat. Just lots of blood, screaming, and cries of "my eye! my eye! its raping my eye!" ..................................

 

........I have a weird imagination...

[ShadowPaladin V1.0]

Oh; you don't see chimps throwing their natural predators, because they'd get crushed by them.  There is a matter of leverage here, and they really don't have the weight; but I'd believe that a chimp has at least five times the strength of a human, because chimps are capable of pulling limbs off of healthy, full-grown average men.  The strength is in their arms, not weight.  Ever tried, I mean really TRIED, pulling someones arm off?  Hmm...

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Must be where the wookie idea came from.

 

Visions of a limbless kumquat shouting "come back here I can still bite you"!

[Volourn]

"Volourn, you ARE rather irritating."

 

Why are you trolling? Keep it up, and I'll report you for bad behavious and breaking the rules.

 

As for the topic, GO KUM GO!

[Nartwak]

Does kumquatq3 have time to prepare?

[ShadowPaladin V1.0]

If it's not a suprise then you would simply tool up for chimp bashing in which case it wouldnt really be a contest at all.

[Rosbjerg]

okay let's specify the rules here ..

 

kumquatq3 will have time to prepare, but only mentally and only physical training! for let's say .. a week .. no weapons are allowed in the "arena", except for what is already lying around in there..

 

the chimp, will be an average male, (someone find the exact specification on this) .. and kumquatq3 you will have to tell us your weigh height etc! :D

 

now then, what will the "arena" be? a forest? urban enviroment? a zoo? and what would we expect to be lying around in these places?

[deganawida]

And lots of things are very dangerous. People have killed lions multiple times one on one, no weapons. They out weigh us, are stronger, and have bigger teeth than chimps.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

There's a scene in the first Tarzan movie (before Johnny Weismuller, this was a silent film) where Tarzan kills a lion bare-handed. What most people don't know, though, is that the actor really killed the lion. The lion lost it, and the trainers couldn't get it to back down, and it tried to kill the actor. The actor (whose name I forget, but he was a wrestler before he became Tarzan) got him in a bearhug and broke his back while he was being clawed and bitten. Yes, it was an older lion, but it still weighed more than twice the actor and had its teeth and claws. It remains, to this day, one of the most impressive feats of film in history IMO.

[draakh_kimera]

And lots of things are very dangerous. People have killed lions multiple times one on one, no weapons. They out weigh us, are stronger, and have bigger teeth than chimps.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

There's a scene in the first Tarzan movie (before Johnny Weismuller, this was a silent film) where Tarzan kills a lion bare-handed. What most people don't know, though, is that the actor really killed the lion. The lion lost it, and the trainers couldn't get it to back down, and it tried to kill the actor. The actor (whose name I forget, but he was a wrestler before he became Tarzan) got him in a bearhug and broke his back while he was being clawed and bitten. Yes, it was an older lion, but it still weighed more than twice the actor and had its teeth and claws. It remains, to this day, one of the most impressive feats of film in history IMO.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Heh, I guess the question is, what state was the lion in due to its life in captivity? Of course, an impressive feat nonetheless...

 

Anyway, back on topic, I'm not sure I read anything about the pain tolerance of animals. It is way higher than a human's tolerance, so there is another advantage to the chimp. Also, chimps may not be rational, but do they not have some combat/hunting instinct? What I mean is, most predators (on land) usually go for either throat, hamstring, or ankle, or something, that sort of thing...

 

Anyway, I still have no clue where I'd put my money.

[Rosbjerg]

maybe we should make a poll?? :D

[ShadowPaladin V1.0]

Heh, I guess the question is, what state was the lion in due to its life in captivity?  Of course, an impressive feat nonetheless...

 

Anyway, back on topic, I'm not sure I read anything about the pain tolerance of animals.  It is way higher than a human's tolerance, so there is another advantage to the chimp.  Also, chimps may not be rational, but do they not have some combat/hunting instinct?  What I mean is, most predators (on land) usually go for either throat, hamstring, or ankle, or something, that sort of thing...

 

Anyway, I still have no clue where I'd put my money.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Animal welfare wasnt a big deal back then.

 

Chimps usually catch a monkey by the legs and then just tear the limbs off. Probably with as much ease as you would peel a banana. If not easier...

[jaguars4ever]

Chimps usually catch a monkey by the legs and then just tear the limbs off.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Holy crap! That's god awful.

 

 

Probably with as much ease as you would peel a banana. If not easier...

I do believe that this chimp prefers fruits of the more "citrus" variety. "

[Atomic Space Vixen]

 

 

 

The first two are a couple of avatars I made a while ago, the last one is just a panel from Get Fuzzy. I think those pictures say it all.

[Azure79]

I too am visualizing this battle with my Echani battle precognition.

 

Kumquat's main strategy seems to be keeping his distance and delivering fast sharp low kicks to keep the chimp at bay. However I believe the Chimps reflexes to be faster and what may seem like a fast kick to humans might seem like a thick branch swaying in the wind to a chimp.

 

Therefore after grasping the timing of Kumquat's kicks the chimp lets out a scream of fury(darkside power) and bounds and claws his way up kumquat's leg reaching his family jewels. The chimp briefly considers going for them but decides to press its surprise advantage and go for the face and neck. The chimp claws his way the torso leaving streaks of bloody marks on kumquat.

 

Obviously kumquat is quite distressed at this turn of events, his masterful kicks become futile as the Chimp converges on his face. Thinking quickly Kumquat sheilds his vulnerable face and neck from the chimps assault, locking his elbows and arms together in front of his chest effectively covering his neck and face, going into a Mike Tyson like defense.

 

The chimp frustrated by this surprisingly simple yet formidable defense begins screaming and tearing chunks of flesh from the forearms of kumquat.

 

Naturally Kumquat screams, more in seeing his own blood splashing everywhere instead of any real pain, that will come later. Screaming in his own fury, kumquat runs to the nearest tree and with a massive effort straightens his arms with the vicious chimp still hanging on them, spins a complete circuit, and smashes the chimp into the truck of the tree with a terrific impact!

 

The Chimp surprised by the tenacity of this human screams and drops to the ground, a few ribs having been cracked and his spinal column in pain. It hurts to breathe now and each movement sends a shudder of pain along the Chimps back.

 

Kumquat is in no better shape. His forearms are a bloody mess and he doubts that they will serve him a second time. He knows if the Chimp gets near his face again it will be the end.

 

The opponents eye each other warily, their former animosity now tempered with a grudging respect.

 

 

And I need to go to sleep.

 

Feel free to write your own endings!

[jaguars4ever]

"The fight is over, the Chimp is down, the Chimp is down! All hail kumquat3 'The Champ'!"

 

 

 

^_^