Anyone know any starwars jokes?

[OrganisedChaos]

Since Lucasarts is not planning on releasing new info anytime soon, does anyone have any starwars jokes to pass the time?

 

Keep them clean though. The last joke thread got deleted as it just turned into Michael Jackson bashing.

 

Here's one thats kinda funny, though its not really a joke.

 

Don't you think the ending of ROTJ was a bit unfair to the characters? All those rebels are trying to have a good time partying with Ewoks when these 3 glowing ghosts turn up unannounced, gatecrashing all the fun and start attracting all the flies with their glowing!

And the ghosts just feel like thier being used as slaves rather than guests. "Yo Obi, could ya stand over here so I can see this bottle I'm trying to open."

 

Okay thats not too good, see if you can do better. Go on.

[Gorth]

Part of a scene that was cut from Star Wars has recently surfaced.

It's in the Millenium Falcon, after the escape from the Death Star:

 

HAN: Listen, I ain't in this for the revolution, and I ain't in

it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in

it for the money.

 

LEIA: If money is what you want, then that's what you'll get.

 

 

LEIA: One million credits enough?!

 

HAN: A million? Uhh.. yeah, that's fine.

 

LEIA:

There! There's your reward. Enjoy it!

 

HAN:

Ahh, Thanks.

 

LEIA: I wonder if he really cares about anything.

 

LUKE: I care...

 

HAN: Hey, wait a minute - "First National Bank of Alderaan"??!

[KOTORFanactic]

(What some think of Darth Maul)

"Unfortunately, Darth Maul is a dancing prancing, double saber wielding nancy boy, who can't do anything right. But he looks good, and all the kids will want his action figure."

 

 

(This 1 is basically referring to changes in KOTOR2 release date)

(Apologies if this is inapprpriate, but I need it off my chest)

 

Darth Gates-"Lord Lucas, let the PCers make the first move."

 

Darth Lucas-"Yes, my Master."

 

Neimodian Guy-"What should we do to the PCers my lord."

 

Darth Gates- P*ss them off. All of them.

 

 

(Simpson quote here)

"It's the mighty robots from Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots from Star Wars."

 

 

(Vader on Luke Ep5)

Vader-"Luke. You are a disgrace to the Skywalker family. You just got your hand sliced off.

 

Luke-"But I destroyed your precious Death Star."

 

Vader-"Oh P Lease. I won the boonta eve ppod race at the age of 10. I was flying starfighters by then. I wiped out the Jedi by the time I was your age. What have you done in all that time. SLiced off hand, one large battlestation destroyed. Pathectic"

 

*Luke jumps into chasm*

Luke-"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

*Vader shouts down after him*

Vader-"AND GET A HAIRCUT."

[roguefrog]

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"But now we must eat. cumm, good food, cummm..."

 

-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

[OrganisedChaos]

What do you get when you cross a Hutt with a fast-food chain?

A Pizza Hutt!

O man thats poor.

 

 

 

If Starwars was remade as a gangsta film..........

 

Vader:Who's your Daddy? Who's your daddy? C'mon who's ya daddy?

Luke: You killed him.

Vader: I'm your daddy!!!!

[Master Jedi]

Just look up the old racist jokes substitute Irish for Ewok, Canadian for Gungan, and kiwi for Selkath(aussies only may understand)

[OrganisedChaos]

Got a good one now.

 

An Ewok goes into a bar. He asks the barman

"Can I can have a gin...........................................and tonic please."

 

The barman asks

"Why the pause?"

 

The Ewok looks down his arms and replies

"I dunno. I was born with them."

 

[Darth Sirius]

Keep them clean though. The last joke thread got deleted as it just turned into Michael Jackson bashing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LoL, that was me, and a dev of all people (w00t)

[Darth Sirius]

Hobbies of Darth Vader

 

1) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls

 

2) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"

 

3) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits

 

4) Genealogy

 

5) Using the force to learn to juggle

 

6) Mortal Kombat 5436

 

7) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship

 

Late nights with a pain droid

 

9) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma

 

10) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

 

 

Reasons not to join the empire...

 

1) Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.

 

2) All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."

 

3) Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedoes and always lead to the "main reactor."

 

4) TIE Fighters have no shields.

 

5) The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.

 

6) Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.

 

7) Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.

 

Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.

 

9) The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.

 

10) Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!

[Ludozee]

Redneck Jedi

 

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored!!!

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE

Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had tospit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

[Ludozee]

Ok, here's another one:

 

Job Posting

 

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

 

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

 

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

 

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

 

*****************************************************

 

Dark Side CG is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

[KOTORFanactic]

Imperial Stormtrooper Interveiw

 

When I first joined the Empire, I thought it would all be guns and glory. You know killing Rebels, innocent people, you know, that kinda stuff. Instead, I was assigned to the Empire's most powerful weapon, the Death Star, which was an honur in itself. I got to meet Vader.

 

But then, i discovered how boring it was. I always get people phoning up about, how there computers wont work, then they discover they never plugged it in. Or, they go on about can't finding the any key. I class these people under the I D 10 T error.

 

*Interveiwer*

"I D 10 T? What is that exactly?"

 

*Writes it out on white board*

IDIOT

 

Once, I got a guy who didnt remember his identity number. Said somert bout a weapons malfunction. I mean, you use those things every GODDAMN DAY to log into your computer, and yet he cant remember it then. I mean c'mon, I wouldn't be suprised if this guy got put into a star destroyer engine.

 

*George Lucas phones*

Hi, I got people trying to leak the Episode 3 script, and I need you to protect it.

 

*CHING CHING*

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure Mr.Lucas. Just send me a copy and I'l get right on it.

 

*newspaper headline*

EPISODE 3 SCRIPT LEAKED

 

*Guy in background*

Excuse me, Steven Speilberg just phoned about that job application you sent.

 

Oh, I'll be riiiiiiiiiiight back.

[Duende]

The Top 12 Pick-Up Lines Used by Star Wars Fans

 

 

12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?"

 

11. "Your place or my Mom's?"

 

10 "I... uh... ummm... I... uh... (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!"

 

9. "You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend."

 

8. "I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby."

 

7. "Date, or date not -- there is no 'let's just friends be'."

 

6. "If you only knew the power of the Dork Side."

 

5. "How's about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?"

 

4. "Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is."

 

3. "Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places!"

 

2. "If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?"

 

1. "I'm gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?"

[OrganisedChaos]

CONSOLE WARS

EPISODE 6

RETURN OF THE PC

 

In his most villianous act yet the sith lord Darth Gates has broken into Obsidian Entertainment studios. He has accessed the files containing the PC version of 'The Sith Lords'. His finger now rests on the 'delete' key.

 

Desperatly the PC'ers attempt to fend him off and restore freedom to the gaming industry........

 

Darth Gates: "Come boys see for yourselves. From here you will witness the destruction of the PC version and the end of your insignificant PC market."

 

*Holds out a copy of the x-box version*

 

"You want this don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your money. Use it. Buy an x-box. Give in to your anger. With each pasing moment you make yourselves more my servents."

 

PC users: "I'll never buy an x-box!"

 

Darth Gates: "It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like George Lucas, are now mine. Now take your place on my profit margin."

 

PC user: "Never. I'll never buy an x-box. You've failed your highness. I am a PC'er, like my fathers before me."

 

Darth Gates: "So be it. PC'er. If you cannot be profitable, you will be destroyed."

 

*Blasts PC'er with force lightning.*

 

"Your feeble PC skills are no match for the power of the x-box! You will pay the price for your lack of custom! And now PC'er you will buy."

[OrganisedChaos]

Keep them clean though. The last joke thread got deleted as it just turned into Michael Jackson bashing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LoL, that was me, and a dev of all people (w00t)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah I remember. I can't believe what the dev was comming out with. <_<

 

This thread is good so far.

 

So if the devs can control themselves we should be okay. The mods seem to give this thread their blessings (ie they havn't deleted it yet).

[KOTORFanactic]

Drunk Star Wars

 

Vader - Yoush dont knowen da poweeer of da Drunk Side

 

 

Yoda - Much Alcohol I sense in you

 

 

Luke - You kill ed my fasher

 

Vader - Noone Luke. I am ur fasher, or was it Uncle?

 

 

Emperor - You want dish, dont you. The pukeis swe lling in you now. Throw up, I em defenceleash. Drown me in alloya puke, and youah vourney towards da Dark Side will be completeses.

 

 

Bastila - Another vision...

 

LS Revan - aasshs shuts upen will ya

 

Bastila - But...

 

LS Revan - Stay... away... from my... wife.

 

 

Malak - Wipe this pathe ctic plnet from da fac e oda laxative *THROWS UP*

[newc0253]

a star wars joke?

 

episodes 1 and 2. those were a joke, weren't they?

[mr insomniac]

Well I laughed when Yoda started lightsaber-fighting, but it was a sardonic kinda laugh.

[Duende]

Well I laughed when Yoda started lightsaber-fighting, but it was a sardonic kinda laugh.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I remember one guy in front of me walked out when that happened and didn't return.

[OrganisedChaos]

CONSOLE WARS

THE CONTIUING CHRONICLES

 

At Obsidian studios the devs are hard at work completing 'The Sith Lords'.

They have an enexpected visitor........

 

Obsidian exec: :Lord Lucas this is an enexpected pleasure, we're honored by your presence."

 

Darth Lucas: "You may dispence with the pleasentries. I'm here to put you back on schedule."

 

Obsidian exec: "I assure you Lord Lucas my men are working as fast as they can."

 

Darth Lucas: "Then perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."

 

Obsidian exec: "I assure you we will have the PC version completed by December."

 

Darth Gates: "Darth Gates does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation."

 

Obsidian exec: "But we've almost finished it."

 

Darth Gates: "I hope not commander for YOUR sake. Darth Gates is not as forgiving as I am."

 

 

Based on a true story.

[OrganisedChaos]

CONSOLE WARS

THE CONTINUING CHRONICLES

 

AT Lucasarts headquarters. Rows of Stormtroopers line up to greet the arrival of the sith master. Darth Lucas kneels to greet his lord......

 

Darth Gates: "Rise my friend".

 

Darth Lucas: "The sith lords will be completed on schedule, for the x-box."

 

Darth Gates: "You have done well Lord Lucas. And now I sense you wish to continue your work on the pc version."

 

Darth Lucas: "Yes my master."

 

Darth Gates: "Patience my friend. In time when my profits are high enough you may publish it. And when you do you will bring it before me. I will ensure there are no extras and my x-box sales will increase."

 

Darth Lucas: "As you wish master."

 

Darth Gates: "Everything is proceeding as I have forseen. HAHAHAHAHAHA"

[Ludozee]

LOL :D :D :D

[KOTORFanactic]

The New Game

 

Tarkin - ah princess Leia

 

Princess - ah Governor Tarkin, I should have realised you were holding Vader's leash. I recognized your fowl stench when I was brought on board.

 

Tarkin - Charming, to the last. You dont realise how hard I found it, to sign the order to put the PC version back by 2 months.

 

Leia - Im suprised you had the courage to do it yourself.

 

Tarkin - In a way, you have chosen the game, that will be destroyed first. As a test of the Microsofts new battlestation XBox, we have decided to test it on your home PC game of A Tale in the Desert.

 

Leia - No Tale is a peaceful game we have no weapons, you cant possibly...

 

Tarkin - YOU WANT ANOTHER TARGET A MILITARY THEN NAME THE SYSTEM. I grow tired of asking this, so this shall be the last, where is the PC base.

 

Leia - Homeworld. They are Homeworld.

 

Tarkin - These you see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready.

 

Leia - WHAT!?!?!?!

 

Tarkin - Youre far to trusting. Homeworld is far to remote to make an effective demonstration, but dont worry, we will deal with your PC friends soon enough.

 

Leia - No.

 

*BOOM*

 

Millenium Falcon

 

Luke - Obi Wan what is it?

 

Obi Wan - I felt a great disturbance in the force feedback. It was as if a million gamers threw there control pads down in disgust, and were suddenly silenced.

[OrganisedChaos]

CONSOLE WARS

 

It is a happy time in the gaming community. Tommorow is the day of release for the PC version. A happy PC gamer has just visited a computer store to buy new PC upgrades to fully enjoy the 'Sith Lords' experience.

 

Little does the PC'er know that upon leaving the store he will have an unplesent encounter........

 

Darth Gates: "Welcome young gamer. I have been expecting you. You no longer need those."

 

*The PC'ers graphics and memory cards fall to the floor*

 

"Guards leave us. I'm looking forward to completing your gaming."

 

PC'er: "Your gravely mistaken. Soon I'll be broke. And you with me."

 

Darth Gates: "Perhaps you refer to the imminent release of the PC version. I assure you my profits are quite safe from your PC friends."

 

PC'er: "Your overconfidence is your weakness."

 

Darth Gates: "Your faith in the PC is yours! It was I who allowed the stores to release the PC version. An entire legion of my best troops man the tills. Oh I'm afraid the X-box version will be the only one available when your friends arrive."

[KOTORFanactic]

Knights of the Console Wars

 

Malak - Wipe this pathectic version from the face of the tills

 

Karath - The, the entire PC version Lord Malak, but there are countless innocent PCers down there, not to mention our own men still in the tills

 

Malak - Your predecesor once made the mistake of questioning my orders, Admiral, surely you are not so foolish as to make the same mistake

 

Karath - Of of course not, Lord Malak, but it will take several hours to position our salesmen.

 

Malak - Then I suggest you begin immediately. You are dismissed Admiral.