After the funeral I was in already in a crap mood, and because she is trying to be safe and not get too emotionally involved with me, and the fact that two of our other friends were with us on the walk back to my car (she needed to pickup her backpack, since I drove her to the funeral given that we're both on University campus), she was emotionally distant. So rather than any of them asking me if I was doing alright, they got the backpack and walked away. It only served to reinforce that I had lost my confidant, which pissed me off. So I sent an angryish text to her saying "Thanks for leaving me alone..." which she got several hours later, and responded "Ok be like that. I hope making me feel bad helps."
Of course it didn't, and it wasn't really her fault anyways. I ended up chatting with her afterwards online. She said she was worried about me because she knew this past week (and the week before) has been really rough for me. I told her the text was just me thinking it'd be easier to get angry than sad at the fact that all the stuff that's happened this past while has made it that much more obvious that I lost the person I felt the most comfortable confiding in. She apologized for being off and on distant the past bit, but hoped I understood why. She said it's hard to see me suffering, and said it's really hard on her side as well. She admitted to me that leaving me alone at the car was awkward. Doubly so when I mentioned that I had made some assumptions that it was clear I wanted her to come to the funeral for my sake. She wanted to hug me, but felt she couldn't, and in the end it just led to a crappy evening where I was feeling angry and bitter.
It's kind of a vicious circle, because I am reminded of the times when she was good for picking me up, so when I go through a lot and get kicked down like I have recently, recognizing that I can't talk with her (though ironically we did talk last night, but whatever) just makes me angrier, because in my mind so much of it is the husband's fault. The girl and I were good friends long before things got too close, and it's a pissoff to know that both she and I are suffering through adjustments while he goes along willy nilly without having to really be held accountable.
She says it's hard because for her sake, she can't get emotionally involved with me, and that she doesn't know what is appropriate and what is not. I spoke with her about the CD. She says she feels foolish because she didn't think about the song contents. She knew I was feeling bad, and told me that that is the CD that she listens to when in the bath or isolated, and she sings loudly to it to make her feel better. It's one of the ways she deals with mounting stress I guess, and that's what she had hoped it do for me. She apologized several times that she didn't mean to mislead me and wishes she could have taken back the gesture.
We both agreed that our snapping at each other was just a culmination of suck that was the day/week. At one point we were discussing my roommate (it was his Dad that died) and she mentioned she had been dreading the day, and she was just some friend (and not his roommate I imagine she was getting at). She's more than just some friend to him I told her though, and she agreed. She said he's a special person. She then said she thinks I'm a special person too, but don't get the same hugs because it's weird. Or rather, it's NOT weird, which is even worse and confuses her. I joked with her that it is so not weird that it wraps around to super weird, and she agreed. I told her I figured if she was alone at my car, she would have hugged me, but the publicness of it made her self conscious, and she agreed.
We then spoke a little bit about the previous deaths we had to deal with in our lives. I lost my brother 14 years ago (almost to the day...September 11, 1994), and she had lost some friends and her grandmother. I ended up opening up with some stuff that I never really have shared with anybody (though in hindsight I probably shouldn't do that with her, but alas), the details of the day I found out my brother was killed (I was discussing how sometimes I hate my memory). Though to reassure her that I don't think it's a curse, and it balances out, I did share some good ones, including some good ones I had with her, and she laughed. At this point I started to wrap things up, since I knew she was tired and I was starting to get tired myself. I thanked her for her time, and that I hoped it didn't make her uncomfortable. She said it's never uncomfortable. Commented that it's a bit strange and weird, because she figures it should be more uncomfortable, but it's not. At the end she said that she couldn't spend the evening with me, but said that the chat was nice. Looking back we had chatted for 2.5 hours, and it was nice. I told her I understood she wouldn't be able to go out and spend an evening with me, and I don't expect that from her. She said it's hard because with me, she has no idea where the friend line is or should be. With me, she's just guessing.
To address your comments Schmarth, there are times I agree with you that she is a bit uncertain. She said a short while ago that it's been three months, and it's taking a long time for her to feel better. I can tell...she's a lot more sombre lately than I have seen her in the past. I don't know what things are like between just her and her husband in terms of fun and enjoyment (outside of an assumption that things are still shaky because I heard that she was recently suggested to go to marriage counseling from a friend), but I know that the times she and I hang out (typically in a group...we've only just hung out together once, and it was to watch Attack of the Clones before seeing Clone Wars) I see glimpses of the unrestricted smile on her face where it gets wide and her eyes brighten. I know she and I still exchange glances quite a bit, often in response to something to see how the other reacted I think.
A looooong time ago, she said she could never imagine herself divorced, as it'd be impossible to think she could love someone so much, only to not have it work out. She figured she'd never be able to love again if that were to happen. It'd hurt too much. Knowing this, I think that there's still some of that mentality. She blamed herself, and us, for why things weren't better between her and her husband, and on some level I can agree. She said that it was easier to spend time with me, since things were so hard with him. I think part of why she made the choice she did is because it was the choice she is supposed to make.
I don't think she has a need to impress me or keep me interested perse. I don't really know what she wants from me, and I don't think she does either. It's hard to erase history, and the times we shared together, and I think she's conflicted about what she really wants. I think she hates to see me suffering and wants to be there for me, but isn't sure what that means for her.
