"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'

-Clarence Darrow

 

^_^

I like the Seneca quote. I shall certainly use it.

 

My own twist on the DR quote is

 

"Tell me kid, you ever dance with John Major by the pale moonlight?"

 

Which I find more disturbing.

 

Although I do have a favourite question, like the hockey one. I was in Games Workshop, buying the new Gaunt's Ghosts novel, and myself and the staff are having this conversation about dice or something and these kids come in. They're about ten years old, and look (so far as I am any judge) pretty well turned out and confident, and this one kid butts in and says

 

KID: This stuff ...is it fun?

ASSISTANT: Yeah, it can be. There's a lot of different things to do.

KID: Is it cool?

ALL: *gazing around the room and at each other, then speaking in a kindly fashion* No. No it really isn't. If you want to be cool you need to turn around and walk away right now.

I was in Games Workshop, buying the new Gaunt's Ghosts novel, and myself and the staff are having this conversation about dice or something and these kids come in. They're about ten years old, and look (so far as I am any judge) pretty well turned out and confident, and this one kid butts in and says

 

KID: This stuff ...is it fun?

ASSISTANT: Yeah, it can be. There's a lot of different things to do.

KID: Is it cool?

ALL: *gazing around the room and at each other, then speaking in a kindly fashion* No. No it really isn't. If you want to be cool you need to turn around and walk away right now.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

It's funny because it's true. (I like the inherent irony in my statement.)

 

I was actually looking for a particular quote which is why I came up with so many JFK ones: he was really ahead of his time, I think I'll refer to him from now on as the King of the Sound-Bite. (I didn't find the quote I was looking for: I'll have to search otherwhere for it.)

What were you looking for?

Well, if I could find it then I could quote it. :D

 

It was the statement that whilst one man is a slave then we all are. It may not have been JFK, but I think it was; a British Union leader quoted it a decade or so ago, too.

Ha, yeah I meant paraphrase it.

 

"Freedom is indivisible, and when one man is enslaved, all are not free. When all are free, then we can look forward to that day when this city will be joined as one and this country and this great Continent of Europe in a peaceful and hopeful globe. When that day finally comes, as it will, the people of West Berlin can take sober satisfaction in the fact that they were in the front lines for almost two decades.

All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words "Ich bin ein Berliner."

Speech in Berlin (26 June 1963)

 

???

Edited January 2, 200719 yr by Nartwak

I may have been reading the Union Leader's speech that paraphrased (or just took the first sentence from that one of) JFK, because I recongnize the only the first sentence.

 

Also, as a tangential editorial, a "Berliner" is a small sugar-coated pastry.

yeah, because yours is so much more pleasing to the eyes..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Let the German tanks... roll onwards to victory!

"How fortunate for leaders that men do not think."

- Adolf Hitler

 

He saw into the future as well.

 

"Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future."

- Adolf Hitler

It's already in my sig, but there's a nifty little site devoted to hilarious analogies and metaphors from high school essays.

 

"The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work." -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

 

"He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -Susan Reese, Arlington" -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

 

Also, I often go to the Joe's Cafe quote database when I need a quick internets humor fix. The site also has a fake song/band name database (they're practically identical) that intermittently will produce titles of middling to outstanding quality. I highly recommend it.

 

"I used to be the self-proclaimed "King of Sodomy."

Then I got a dictionary." -- Yobaval

 

"When I asked my doctor why it hurt when I urinate, he pointed out

that my **** was on fire. I guess that's why he's the doctor." -- Kevin Bonnay

 

"Whenever I'm driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner,

I run it over and say, "That's for the coyote!" I don't really

like the coyote, but it's a good excuse to run over things." -- Craig Stacey

 

Also, anything by TEH MASTAR.

 

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey

Edited January 2, 200719 yr by Pop

A berliner as pastry is only called that when said outside Berlin. Hence he was in fact correct, as Berliners don't call berliners Berliners.

However, you don't say "Ich bin ein Berliner", either; I'm a little rusty, but it would be more like "Ich bin aus Berlin, auch".

 

Is that correct, German speakers?

Listen buddy, if I wanted to speak good german I'd go back 60 years and tell my grandfathers not to bother.

Oooo, zing.

Here's some of my favorites, all from dead comedian Mitch Hedberg:

 

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. "Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose!"

 

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

 

I wanted a candy bar which was "HH" so I hit H twice, and potato chips came out! They had an "HH" button! Christ - you gotta let me know! I didn't learn my AA BB CC's, god god dammit dammit!

Listen buddy, if I wanted to speak good german I'd go back 60 years and tell my grandfathers not to bother.

More likely russian.

 

 

 

Anyhow:

 

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

 

- Samuel Beckett.

Edited January 3, 200719 yr by Guard Dog

Listen buddy, if I wanted to speak good german I'd go back 60 years and tell my grandfathers not to bother.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Still laughing

"How fortunate for leaders that men do not think."

- Adolf Hitler

 

He saw into the future as well.

 

"Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future."

- Adolf Hitler

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

A few I have on hand:

 

You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?

 

People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

 

I am a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh

Edited January 3, 200719 yr by Laozi

Oh yeah, and this by a McDonalds rep: Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes.

In the long run, we're all dead.

-- John Maynard Keynes

 

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, buddy."

-- Jack Handey

 

So in conclusion, gentlemen, **** you.

-- NY State Senator Allan K. Race (D), in a written response to a racist group's letter.

 

I wish I were less awkward around strangers. I never know

what to say when someone asks me who I am and what the hell

I'm doing in their house.

-- Andy Ihnatko

 

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said, "Outlook not so good."

I said, "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."

-- Tom Singer

I like the Senator's comment. Of course it's nice for elected politicians to be able to speak their minds on any subject. I recall talking to a parliamentary candidate who confessed he had just had an altercation with a gentleman in the street. The course had been along the lines of.

 

Man: We were promised more jobs

Cand.: Well *relieved* I think you'll find that unemployment has fallen by around a million during this government.

Man: No it hasn't.

Cand.: It really has. No-one is contesting those figures much. That's a lot of people. You can't just make that sort of number up.

Man: Well... they're not real jobs, are they?

Cand: What do you mean 'not real jobs'? They're as real as any of the other ones.

Man: You're lying.

Cand: Sir, we'll agree to disagree. You think you're right. I think you're an imbecile.

Religion is not merely the opiate of the masses, it's the cyanide.

Tom Robbins

 

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.

Richard Dawkins

 

Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

George Orwell

 

Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to.

Sophocles

 

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus