Favorite ranged npc character?

[WILL THE ALMIGHTY]

if i remember well, HK annoyed Malak... yippee!

[Bulgarian Jedi]

Well, a Revealed later in K1,

Malak is the original meatbag. Revan liked HK's opinion of Malak and programmed the droid to use that word more often.

[Lilandra]

if i remember well, HK annoyed Malak... yippee!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A major plus in HK's favor.

[Sturm]

death to malak

[Lilandra]

Malak was a pompous ass and got what was coming to him. He had the Star Forge and did not use its full power.

[Sturm]

"Lord Malak the Star Forge is operating at 200%, Far beyond any capacity we have expected"

[Xard]

And 300 % in the end if I remember right

[Sturm]

something like that, 400 or something

[Deadly_Nightshade]

If you read Just Another Kot0R Parody you'll find out why that makes sense...

 

DN

[Sturm]

[Deadly_Nightshade]

What?

 

DN

[Sturm]

could you ellaborate on what that is? EU comic?

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Ok, here is the text...

(it's long so give me acouple of posts to get all of it up...)

 

Yes, it's another brilliant parody from Helena L., the writer who brought you such comic masterpieces as 'A Losing Battle' and... okay, scratch that. I just thought I'd try my hand at something different for once. I know there's a hundred other KOTOR parodies out there, so I'm trying not to re-use jokes (although this may be inevitable in some cases). If people like this (and only if), I'll continue, though there may be long delays between updates.

Yet Another KOTOR Parody is the story of Randomly Generated Name (RGN for short) and his battle to save the galaxy from the Sith (aka the Evil Space Nazis). Plus a paranoid Republic pilot, a beautiful but stuffy Jedi, a bloodthirsty Mandalorian and more! Not to mention Darth Malak, a villain who really should pay more attention to the Evil Overlord List... well, you'll see. On with the parody!

________________________________________

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS

KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC

Four thousand years before the rise of the Galactic Empire, the Republic

verges on collapse. Again. It must have been, sheesh, a whole 40 years since

the last time this happened? Anyway, Darth Malak, the clich

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 3: Gangs of Lower Taris

 

Scene 1

RGN and CARTH emerge from the elevator into the Lower City. Opposite them, members of the Hidden Beks swoop-gang face off against a group from a rival gang, the Black Vulkars.

 

BLACK VULKAR: Ha! You Beks are so DEAD!

 

HIDDEN BEK: Oh yeah? Well, we'll see about that! (They fight.)

 

CARTH: Sheesh, that was the lamest comeback ever.

 

The Beks are easily killed by the Vulkars. They turn round to see CARTH and RGN trying to look inconspicuous.

 

CARTH: Don't mind us, guys. Just passing through...

 

BLACK VULKAR (looking at RGN): Hey, you... you're Sith! (Grins nastily.) We don't like Sith, do we, boys?

 

RGN (frantically): No, wait, it's all a misunderstanding! (Takes off helmet.) We're not Sith, we're with the Republic!

 

BLACK VULKAR: Would that be the same Republic that initiated 'Operation Smash The Swoop Gangs' when they controlled the planet?

 

CARTH: (laughs nervously) Ignore my friend, he was just kidding. We're with... er... the Exchange.

 

VULKAR #2: The same Exchange that hired bounty hunters to kill our leader?

 

RGN: Al-Qaeda!

 

VULKAR #3: The same Al-Qaeda that blew up the World Trade Centre?

 

CARTH: Oh, I give up. (To Vulkars) Bring it on!

 

Five minutes later, all six Black Vulkars lie dead on the floor.

 

RGN (dusting himself off): Well, that went better than I expected.

 

CARTH: Yeah, what is it with all these goons who can't hit a target right in front of them?

 

Scene 2

CARTH and RGN (now in his normal clothes) approach the door to the Lower City cantina. There is a sign on it: 'Welcome to the Lower City Cantina. No unlicensed brawling! All bounty enquiries to Zax the Hutt. Remember, Thursday night is karaoke night!'

 

They enter the cantina. Some Vulkars are annoying CALO NORD, a somewhat vertically-challenged bounty hunter.

 

VULKAR #1: Hey, it's Calo Nord, the great bounty hunter! (CALO glares at him.) Can I have your autograph?

 

CALO (growls): Go away.

 

VULKAR #2: Ooh, Shortarse here thinks he's too important for us.

 

CALO: I'm warning you...

 

VULKAR #3: We're not scared of you, Calo!

 

CARTH (under his breath): From what we've seen of the Vulkars so far, I'd give them about three seconds.

 

CALO: One... Two... Three.

 

When the Vulkars fail to leave, CALO grabs a pair of blaster pistols and shoots each of them in quick succession, before strolling casually out of the cantina. No one bats an eyelid; clearly this sort of thing happens on a regular basis.

 

RGN: Why do I get the feeling we'll be seeing him again?

 

A short way away, a young Twi'lek girl, MISSION VAO, is being harassed by a couple of sleazy-looking Rodians.

 

SLEAZY RODIAN #1: Hee, hee... Little girl is very well-developed for her age.

 

MISSION: Hello, sickos? I'm fourteen!

 

SLEAZY RODIAN #2: So? That no problem for fanfic writers.

 

MISSION: Zaalbar, could you deal with these perverts for me?

 

ZAALBAR, a huge Wookiee, turns round and growls menacingly at the Rodians.

 

SLEAZY RODIAN #1: Er... actually... me just remember me left oven on... (They make a dash for the exit.)

 

CARTH: Hey, a Twi'lek who speaks Basic!

 

MISSION: Hi there, I'm Mission Vao and this is my best friend Zaalbar. Say, are you two new down here? I don't recognise you, and I know pretty much everyone in the Lower City.

 

RGN: What, everyone on the entire planet?

 

MISSION: Yep. I know all about Davik, Calo Nord, the Lower City gangs... if you want exposition, I'm the person to talk to!

 

CARTH: Er... you wouldn't happen to know anything about the Republic escape pods which crashed here, would you?

 

MISSION: You could talk to Gadon Thek about that. He's the leader of the Hidden Beks.

 

RGN: A gang leader? And he just lets anyone wander in and talk to him, does he?

 

MISSION: Oh, yeah! He's a nice guy, and he only occasionally has people kneecapped. (Suddenly suspicious) Why do you want to know about escape pods, anyway?

 

CARTH: Keep this to yourself, but we're actually Republic fugitives searching for a way off the planet.

 

MISSION: Wow! Hey, maybe I could join your party? I could be the plucky comic relief.

 

RGN: Well... we'll see.

 

MISSION: Coolness! Anyway, I'll be exploring the sewers in the Undercity if you need me. Come on, Big Z! (They leave the cantina.)

 

RGN: (Shrugs) Guess we'd better go talk to our friendly local crime lord...

 

Scene 3

CARTH and RGN are walking through the Lower City towards the Bek base. CARTH is looking moody again.

 

RGN: Something the matter, Carth?

 

CARTH (mutters): Grrr. Don't trust you.

 

RGN: Oh, God, not this again... Why don't you trust me?

 

CARTH (sulkily): Why do you even care?

 

RGN: Because frankly, Carth, your intermittent paranoia is really starting to piss me off.

 

CARTH: Oh, all right then! It's because of Saul.

 

RGN: Saul?

 

CARTH: Saul Karath. (RGN looks blank.) You know, Malak's right-hand man? The commander of the entire Sith fleet? Don't tell me you haven't heard of him!

 

RGN (thoughtfully): Hmm, that is a bit strange. I hadn't heard of Bastila either till a few days ago...

 

CARTH: Anyway, Saul Karath was my commanding officer during the Mandalorian Wars. He was my mentor, taught me everything I know, yadda yadda...

 

RGN: But he went over to the Sith?

 

CARTH: Yes - he even gave them the codes to bypass our scanners. Sometimes I wonder if I could have stopped him...

 

RGN: Why?

 

CARTH: Well, he approached me beforehand and started talking about how the Republic was on the losing side, and how I should start thinking of my survival... But how was I to know he was trying to recruit me into the Sith? (He hesitates) Although perhaps I should have guessed when he yelled "The Republic is doomed, DOOMED!" and ran off laughing maniacally...

 

RGN: (Sighs) Yes, I think perhaps you should.

 

CARTH: So, anyway, that's why I don't trust anyone. Satisfied?

 

RGN: Yes, I see. Well, Carth, you needn't worry - if I ever choose to join the Sith, I'll be sure to explain it to you in terms you can understand.

 

CARTH: Thank you.

 

Scene 4

CARTH and RGN approach the Hidden Beks' base. A young woman stands on guard.

 

BEK GUARD: Yeah, what do you want?

 

RGN: We've come to see Gadon Thek.

 

BEK GUARD: Well, you can't. Sod off.

 

CARTH: Please?

 

GUARD: No.

 

RGN: Pleeease? We'll be good!

 

BEK GUARD: Well, I suppose you don't look like Vulkars... (Indulgently) Oh, all right then, go on in.

 

CARTH: Can we take our weapons?

 

BEK GUARD: I suppose so. But you have to promise not to assassinate Gadon.

 

RGN: Don't worry, we won't.

 

They enter the base. Many Hidden Beks are milling around the place. GADON sits at a desk, guarded by ZAERDRA, a Twi'lek woman who looks at the pair with deep suspicion.

 

ZAERDRA: Hold it, you two! Not a step closer. (She pulls out a blaster.) Do you want me to strip-search them, Gadon?

 

RGN: Mmm, yes pl

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 7: Star-Crossed Lovers (well, sort of)

Scene 1

RGN and BASTILA leave the enclave for the first time in several weeks. An enormous queue of angry-looking people has built up outside the gates.

RGN (under his breath): Jesus... (Aloud) Good morning, citizens of Dantooine! Does anyone have any problems I can help with?

ELISE: Oh, please help me, master Jedi! My... er...

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 10: When a Knight Won His Spurs

Scene 1

Inside the Sand People enclave. RGN and the other Jedi are standing in their underwear, surrounded by a bunch of armed Sand People and looking distinctly uncomfortable. One of the Sand People says something to HK-47

HK-47: Translation: And now, master, they wish you to sing 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star' whilst dancing around and flapping your arms like a chicken.

RGN: HK, you're making this up!

HK-47: Outrage: Master! Would I do such a thing?

RGN: Just tell them that we want to see their chieftain, now. Or else!

HK-47 relays the message to the Sand Person. There is a tense moment of silence, then the guard grunts something in response and turns away.

HK-47: Translation: You are to follow him, master.

RGN and the others follow the Sand People through the enclave. BASTILA and JUHANI look distinctly unamused.

BASTILA: You are so dead, RGN. I tell you, the minute we get out of here...

RGN: Oh, stop being so melodramatic. It could be worse!

BASTILA: How could it be worse? We don't even know what they're going to do to us yet. And stop looking at my breasts!

RGN: I was not looking at them! Anyway, may I ask how you would have gone about rescuing Griff? I suppose you'd prefer to take on the entire enclave?

Still bickering, they continue through the enclave. Eventually they come to a halt in front of an elaborately-dressed Sand Person, who is obviously the CHIEFTAIN.

CHIEFTAIN: (Unintelligible sounds)

HK-47: Translation: He asks why you mock their sacred traditions by coming here dressed in facsimiles of their robes, master.

CHIEFTAIN: (Even more unintelligible sounds)

HK-47: He also expresses disapproval of the way the Sand People are regularly portrayed as villains and savages in human films, and chides you for your lack of cultural sensitivity.

RGN (at a loss): Um. Well, tell him I apologise on behalf of myself and my fellow humans... and say we've come to ask about the Twi'lek he holds captive. (HK-47 relays the message.)

CHIEFTAIN: (A long, extremely voluble string of unintelligible sounds.)

HK-47: Translation: Er... I will spare you the details, master, but I believe the gist of it is that this particular Twi'lek is not his favourite person.

RGN: Would he accept some kind of payment in return for freeing Griff?

HK-47 speaks to the CHIEFTAIN, who replies at some length.

HK-47: Translation: He says he will pay you to take this Griff away, master. Apparently he is no use as a slave and has been enjoying something of a holiday at the Sand People's expense. They have told him he is free to go, but he is either unable or unwilling to understand this...

RGN: Really? Well... tell him we will take Griff for free if he also frees the Jawa slaves they hold.

CHIEFTAN: (An unintelligible but obviously heartfelt tirade.)

HK-47: Direct translation: Anything, as long as you get rid of the damn Twi'lek!

RGN: Good. Er... could you ask him if we could possibly have our clothes back now?

Scene 2

The spaceport in Anchorhead. MISSION runs out of the Ebon Hawk as the Jedi approach, along with GRIFF

MISSION: Griff! (She flings her arms around him.) Thank God you're safe! Are you all right?

GRIFF: Oh, Mission, it was terrible! Those Sand People are absolute animals, I tell you. I was locked up in a tiny cell, starved, beaten

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 16: Breaking and Entering

Scene 1

It is some time after the trial, and RGN and the others are drinking together in the bar. The juice bar, that is. RGN waves a hand drowsily at MISSION.

RGN: Missssion, gemme

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 18: Have I Got News For You

Scene 1

The Hawk has just entered hyperspace when suddenly there is a tremendous jolt, causing the ship to shake wildly. Panicked, RGN and the others rush to the ****pit, where an absolutely massive starship can be seen through the windows. The Hawk is being drawn towards the larger ship by some kind of powerful energy beam.

RGN: What's going on?

CARTH: It's a Sith interdictor ship - we're caught in their tractor beam! Quick, try pressing some random buttons and see if any of them get us free!

He and BASTILA stab wildly at the control panel. Unsurprisingly, nothing happens.

CARTH: It's not working! (Frantic) Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

BASTILA: Under the circumstances, Carth, I don't really think that's an option.

CARTH: Oh yeah. Damn.

The party members look at each other helplessly.

MISSION: Are we going to be taken prisoner?

RGN: Yes, I think it's time for the inevitable 'breaking out of jail without your weapons or equipment' sequence.

MISSION: But how are we going to escape?

RGN: Well, there are ten of us. We just need one person to stay behind so they can free the rest later. (Before anyone can answer) And no, it is not going to be me this time!

BASTILA: Well, Carth and I are main characters so we're out. It'll have to be one of the others.

RGN: Something tells me that Mission might be good at breaking out of prison cells.

BASTILA: You're not serious? We can't entrust the fate of the entire party to a fourteen-year-old!

RGN: Well, who do you suggest?

BASTILA: How about Jolee? Couldn't he use the Force to fool the guards or something?

RGN: Come on, you actually think he'd bother to free the rest of us? He'd grab the first ship he found and leave us to rot.

CARTH: Hey, I have an idea. Canderous has an automatic healing implant, right? (CANDEROUS looks suspicious.) Well, say we beat him up until he's almost dead

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 20: Tomb Raider

Scene 1

RGN and the others walk along the corridor outside his room. YUTHURA BAN is waiting for him.

YUTHURA: Ah, my favourite prospect for the year. (Smiles seductively at him.) You know, I

[Deadly_Nightshade]

Chapter 21: Space Nazis Must Die!

Scene 1

RGN, minus his companions, has accompanied UTHAR and YUTHURA to the tomb of Naga Sadow to take his final test. They stand just inside the entrance to the tomb, giving him instructions.

UTHAR: Now listen carefully, young one. Inside this tomb is an ancient Star Map discovered by Revan and Malak. You must reach the map, take the lightsaber you find there and return to us with it... oh, and if you have time, you can look for the Holy Grail as well. Any questions?

RGN: Star Map, lightsaber, Holy Grail... no, I think I

[The Swedish Dark Lord III]

why didn't you just post a link to that story's website?

[Xard]

Yeah

[Deadly_Nightshade]

why didn't you just post a link to  that story's website?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

It moved or was closed...

But luckily I had a hard copy on hand...

 

DN

[Sturm]

thats an eyesore, im gona go blind after that, ive only read a small section and my eyes already hurt

[Deadly_Nightshade]

you could print it out...

 

DN