Jump to content
The Community Blog (An Invitation)
Obsidian’s 10th Extra Life Anniversary

How the Jedi Temple was destroyed AGAIN (humor)

Darth_Dilemmus
 Share

Recommended Posts

Darth_Dilemmus

Darth_Dilemmus

Posted
Posted

A man wearing a jester suit and wielding a lightsaber enters the conference room of the new Jedi Temple, with two Jedi Guardians hot on his heels.

 

Facing Jedi Masters Visas, Atton and the Disciple, he finally comes to a stop and looks around for a moment.

 

"Who are you?" the Disciple says as he stands up, surprised by his arrival.

 

The bells on the stranger's head jingle as he turns to face the Disciple and responds in a calm tone, "My name is Darth Dilemmus and I have come to destroy your temple from the face of Dantooine."

 

Atton half laughs and half sneers, "What?! Are you stupid?"

 

Atton's words, and those of Visas and the Disciple, melt into the background as Darth Dilemmus senses Kira and two unidentifiable companions approaching from an adjacent hallway. The moment is right. I must strike now.

 

Turning to face the Masters, heedless of the Guardians flanking him with lightsabers drawn, Darth Dilemmus coolly says, "Between Bastila and Visas, who is the hottest Jedi babe ever?"

 

Immediately, Visas rises to her feet. In a tone that was both serene and desperate at the same time, she raises her hand and warns, "No, don't answer that -"

 

Not exactly hearing or heeding her, the Disciple gestures to the crowd. "Visas, of course. What kind of idiot would -"

 

Atton turns and looks at him incredulously. "Excuse me?" he cuts the Disciple off harshly. "Are you Force-blind? Bastila is the hottest Jedi babe ever."

 

"No!" Visas cries out.

 

The Jedi Guardian to the left of Dilemmus cuts in. "Clearly it would be Visas."

The Guardian to his right shoves the other one. "Are you Sith-stricken or something? Bastila is the hottest babe ever, Jedi or not!"

 

The first Guardian rolls his eyes. "Oh come on, for Coruscant's sake, you only like Visas because she can't see!"

 

Dilemmus quietly watches as his simple question quickly swells into a heated debate.

 

A Jedi Consular points out, "Bastila did win the best Photoshop Nude Job EVER contest last year, did she not?"

 

Guardian #1 adds, "Not to mention the most popular nude game mod 2 years ago."

 

"EXCUSE ME?" Bastila's voice suddenly blurts out, echoing throughout the room.

 

"What is this all about?" Kira demands, arriving with Bastila at the same time. The Handmaiden is silent as she enters with them.

 

"My fellow Jedi, stop..." Visas pleads.

 

Bastila puts her hands on her hips and fumes, "There's a Photoshopped nude job of me floating around? Who in all of Korriban made such a thing?"

 

All fingers immediately point to HK-47.

 

HK-47 responds. "STATEMENT: I believe it was I, master. My memory core recalls carrying out Order 69 -"

 

Atton and the Disciple both glare at him. "WHAT?!"

 

Visas walks out into the midst of everyone and blurts out, "Please, everyone, stop!"

 

Kira chuckles. "This is all about some stupid clip job of Bastila's head on some nude woman's body?"

 

HK-47 adds, "RESPONSE: No, mistress. The subject of discussion is whether Visas Marr or Bastila is the hottest Jedi babe ever."

 

Bastila seethes as she glares at HK-47. "You stupid <bleep> droid..."

 

Visas finally stamps her feet and yells, "STOPPPP!!!"

 

Kira shoots back at her, "Oh shut up, you blind idiot! Everyone knows I'm the best looking Jedi babe around here!"

 

The Handmaiden bristles. "Not while I'm standing here, you're not," she says, ****ing her head haughtily.

 

Kira throws her arms down and turns around to face her, exasperated. "Who says you have to be standing?" With that, she raises her hand and hits the Handmaiden with Force Push, knocking her on her back.

 

Meanwhile, Bastila storms through the crowd, knocking Visas over in the process. "Out of my way!" she bellows. "You'll pay for this, droid!"

 

Visas scrambles to her feet but it's too late. With a single swing of her lightsaber, Bastila beheads HK-47. "SYSTEMS FAILING, MASTER!" the droid cries, matter-of-factly, before falling to the ground.

 

At this point, Darth Dilemmus turns and walks. The Handmaiden gets to her feet and Force Pushes Kira into Atton, who zaps her with lightning. Kira punches out Atton and zaps the Handmaiden.

 

"For Kira!"

"For Visas!"

"For Bastila!!!"

 

Darth Dilemmus successfully departs the room, the jingling of his bells grabbing no one's attention, what with the all-against-all lightsaber duel erupting behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh my God, you killed Visas! You bastard!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bytor

Bytor

Posted
Posted

Nice.

 

Gotta be Visas :x

 

Very representative of this forum. Lol :(

"I tried the most potent Noise Amplification spell once upon a time. Mavellous spell. I could hear the birds speaking to one another in trees over the horizon, I could hear the rustlings as the clouds rubbed against each other in the sky. I could hear the sound a rainbow makes as it arches it's back over the world. Then a dog barked behind me and I burst my left eardrum."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Eidolon

Eidolon

Posted
Posted

You missed in the final "for Brianna!" too, and that's should be the way she would be called in the story since the handmaiden status was long gone.

 

Bastila is hot, Visas is sensual, Brianna is cute and Mira (Kira?) is sexy. Take your pick.

 

And Atris is not an option in the story since she was dead. Presuming all the others would survive the KotOR2 storyline-ending...

I am that who grips the heart in fright

Hearkens night and silences the light...

Link to comment
Share on other sites
metadigital

metadigital

Posted
Posted
You missed in the final "for Brianna!" too, and that's should be the way she would be called in the story since the handmaiden status was long gone.

 

Bastila is hot, Visas is sensual, Brianna is cute and Mira (Kira?) is sexy. Take your pick.

 

And Atris is not an option in the story since she was dead. Presuming all the others would survive the KotOR2 storyline-ending...

I redeemed Atris.

 

And Visas was a bunny boiler.

OBSCVRVM PER OBSCVRIVS ET IGNOTVM PER IGNOTIVS

ingsoc.gif

OPVS ARTIFICEM PROBAT

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Darth_Dilemmus

Darth_Dilemmus

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You missed in the final "for Brianna!" too, and that's should be the way she would be called in the story since the handmaiden status was long gone.

 

Bastila is hot, Visas is sensual, Brianna is cute and Mira (Kira?) is sexy. Take your pick.

 

And Atris is not an option in the story since she was dead. Presuming all the others would survive the KotOR2 storyline-ending...

I redeemed Atris.

 

And Visas was a bunny boiler.

What's a bunny boiler? *smacks self for being so un-hip*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...