Need a little help .. with some poetry

[Rosbjerg]

I'm participating in a contest .. And we need to present 4 poems, 2 in Danish and 2 in English .. I need some help reviewing the english ones (do they make sense, gramma etc)

 

any comments good or bad will be appriciated! if it stinks you are free to tell me, since publishing a crappy poem would be a bad idea! ^_^

 

here goes:

 

The Notion of an Expectation

 

The present moment vaporizes in the notion of an expectation,

when singular dreams engulfs the dying seconds,

so that you, in the end, are left with a dreaming expectation,

in the instant that you had a notion,

about a certain times mortality.

 

We all count on stagnant moments,

frozen in notions and dreams,

on an eternal passion which will shine its presence,

saving us from time-emphasized losses,

and enclose us in a self-satisfying view

of our own transience.

 

All in all we are quite optimistic.

 

----

 

The Complete Human Being

 

The emptiness we feel in others presence,

is the symptom of the actual existence we lack.

That feeling which is left unsaid, is the result of our own unattainability.

Stirring and stagnant we put our own existence into perspective,

against the emptiness, against the very idea

that constitutes the complete human being.

 

We are the living contrast,

who hate our own beloved existence,

we are the words we create, but in creating them

we form ourselves,

so our complete human being is a product

of an incomplete comprehension, a fragmented mind

which tries desperatly to remake itself.

 

Like a broken mirror trying to reflect the world,

we describe it to feel whole.

We are the complete human being!

 

----

 

and there you have it .. unfortunalty my english skills have eroded over time so I'm not as confident in my abilities anymore .. which is why I need your help!

 

- Rosbjerg

Edited November 21, 2005 by Rosbjerg

[Pidesco]

when the singular dreams engulfs the dying seconds,

 

Should be:

"singular dream engulfs"

 

or

 

"singular dreams engulf"

 

 

about a certain times mortality.

 

Not entirely sure what you are trying to say with this verse.

 

 

which will shine it's presence,

 

"its" not "it's"

 

 

All in all we are quite optismistic.

 

Optimistic. Typo?

 

 

 

I haven't spotted anything wrong with the second poem.

 

Interesting poems, if a bit verbose.

[Rosbjerg]

fixed ... and thanks!

 

About a certain times mortality is related to the first line ... we all try to stop time, but it vaporizes nonetheless!

 

maybe its "a certain time's mortality" as I'm talking about a moment (but don't want to use that word over and over again)

 

and maybe it's a bit verbose .. but I like being "wordy" ..

Edited November 21, 2005 by Rosbjerg

[Kaftan Barlast]

Cant you post your danish poems? I think I understand well enough to get most of them and it would be fun

[Judge Hades]

Okay, here is a few tips from me to you.

 

First thing you need to remember that the key thing is poetry is the economy of words. You need to to shout out your meaning and imagery as few words as possible.

 

Lets reduce your first poem to a 3 line haiku like verse...

 

 

 

The Notion of Expectations (Hades_One remix)

Expectations die

in solitary moments

where dreams are lost loves

 

That uses a 5/7/5 syllable set up and I think still gives the message you are trying to convey.

Edited November 21, 2005 by Hades_One

[Pidesco]

First thing you need to remember that the key thing is poetry is the economy of words. 

 

I thought the key thing in poetry is that there is no such thing as a key thing in poetry.

[Rosbjerg]

it has to be a freeform poem .. so we can't use jambo/haiku etc .. but I like you remix Hades_One althouh it's not entirely what I was trying to say! do you mind if I use it?? (not in the competition though, but I'll refere to you of course)

Edited November 21, 2005 by Rosbjerg

[Rosbjerg]

and to Kaftan .. I have several poems I want to use, which 2 danish ones aren't 100% yet .. but here are the 2 I'm leaning towards:

 

Dr

[Judge Hades]

Oh, feel free. It was originally your work that brought it out.

[Walsingham]

I think it could use more polar bears.

[Rosbjerg]

I'll take that into advisement..

[Judge Hades]

I actually wrote a poem depicting a polar bear attack and a blizzard (mixing the two images as one). I was doing the whole man versus nature motiff.

Edited November 28, 2005 by Hades_One

[Darkside]

I wrote my mom a poem about the ocean for mother's day and one about abused children when I was depressed, but that's all I've ever written outside of school assignments...

 

Other than the typos that you've already fixed, they look great. I hope you win.

 

EDIT: Could somone tell me what the Danish ones said? I doubt they'd translate perfectly, so all I'm asking for is the idea.

Edited November 28, 2005 by Darkside

[Judge Hades]

I think they are about pastries.

[Laozi]

Just the ending...

 

Maybe something like "but does Rosbjerg feel fear, a thousand times no."

 

I think Robert Frost really messed up by not including this in more of his works.

[Rosbjerg]

Could somone tell me what the Danish ones said?  I doubt they'd translate perfectly, so all I'm asking for is the idea.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I think I'm the man for the job ..

 

the first one "Dr

[Darkside]

Oh wow, I like those even better. Thanks, and again, good luck. Though it looks like you won't need it.

[Janmanden]

When reading the english I feel like I'm having a stutter. Bad rhythm and too longwinded in a civil service kinda style (Kancellistil). Totally unlike the danish ones, actually...or nearly, as there are a few foreign words or words that just feel foreign there too. That's my general beef.

 

Unrelated to that at first I read this

"Et v

[Rosbjerg]

sorry for the grave digging, but I wanted to update the involved in how things went!

 

I didn't win anything, but my poems were well recieved and people seemed to think they were good, so I'm quite happy with the outcome!

 

but thank you for your help and support!

 

--

 

in respone to Janmand:

 

Unrelated to that at first I read this

"Et v

Edited December 19, 2005 by Rosbjerg

[Darkside]

sorry for the grave digging, but I wanted to update the involved in how things went!

 

I didn't win anything, but my poems were well recieved and people seemed to think they were good, so I'm quite happy with the outcome!

 

but thank you for your help and support!

 

Too bad you didn't win, but I'm glad your work was well recieved.

[Janmanden]

Well, there are two kinds of people in this world, those with guns and those that dig and digging is probably a vital part of poetry... Glad you are happy.

 

det ville ogs