Jump to content

Need a little help .. with some poetry


Rosbjerg

Recommended Posts

I'm participating in a contest .. And we need to present 4 poems, 2 in Danish and 2 in English .. I need some help reviewing the english ones (do they make sense, gramma etc)

 

any comments good or bad will be appriciated! if it stinks you are free to tell me, since publishing a crappy poem would be a bad idea! ^_^

 

here goes:

 

The Notion of an Expectation

 

The present moment vaporizes in the notion of an expectation,

when singular dreams engulfs the dying seconds,

so that you, in the end, are left with a dreaming expectation,

in the instant that you had a notion,

about a certain times mortality.

 

We all count on stagnant moments,

frozen in notions and dreams,

on an eternal passion which will shine its presence,

saving us from time-emphasized losses,

and enclose us in a self-satisfying view

of our own transience.

 

All in all we are quite optimistic.

 

----

 

The Complete Human Being

 

The emptiness we feel in others presence,

is the symptom of the actual existence we lack.

That feeling which is left unsaid, is the result of our own unattainability.

Stirring and stagnant we put our own existence into perspective,

against the emptiness, against the very idea

that constitutes the complete human being.

 

We are the living contrast,

who hate our own beloved existence,

we are the words we create, but in creating them

we form ourselves,

so our complete human being is a product

of an incomplete comprehension, a fragmented mind

which tries desperatly to remake itself.

 

Like a broken mirror trying to reflect the world,

we describe it to feel whole.

We are the complete human being!

 

----

 

and there you have it .. unfortunalty my english skills have eroded over time so I'm not as confident in my abilities anymore .. which is why I need your help!

 

- Rosbjerg

Edited by Rosbjerg

Fortune favors the bald.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

when the singular dreams engulfs the dying seconds,

 

Should be:

"singular dream engulfs"

 

or

 

"singular dreams engulf"

 

 

about a certain times mortality.

 

Not entirely sure what you are trying to say with this verse.

 

 

which will shine it's presence,

 

"its" not "it's"

 

 

All in all we are quite optismistic.

 

Optimistic. Typo?

 

 

 

I haven't spotted anything wrong with the second poem.

 

Interesting poems, if a bit verbose. :rolleyes:

"My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian tourist
I am Dan Quayle of the Romans.
I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.
Heja Sverige!!
Everyone should cuffawkle more.
The wrench is your friend. :bat:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fixed ... and thanks! :)

 

About a certain times mortality is related to the first line ... we all try to stop time, but it vaporizes nonetheless!

 

maybe its "a certain time's mortality" as I'm talking about a moment (but don't want to use that word over and over again)

 

and maybe it's a bit verbose .. but I like being "wordy" .. :)

Edited by Rosbjerg

Fortune favors the bald.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cant you post your danish poems? I think I understand well enough to get most of them and it would be fun :)

DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself.

 

Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture.

 

"I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. "

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, here is a few tips from me to you. :)

 

First thing you need to remember that the key thing is poetry is the economy of words. You need to to shout out your meaning and imagery as few words as possible.

 

Lets reduce your first poem to a 3 line haiku like verse...

 

 

 

The Notion of Expectations (Hades_One remix)

Expectations die

in solitary moments

where dreams are lost loves

 

That uses a 5/7/5 syllable set up and I think still gives the message you are trying to convey.

Edited by Hades_One
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First thing you need to remember that the key thing is poetry is the economy of words. 

 

I thought the key thing in poetry is that there is no such thing as a key thing in poetry. :)

"My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian tourist
I am Dan Quayle of the Romans.
I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.
Heja Sverige!!
Everyone should cuffawkle more.
The wrench is your friend. :bat:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it has to be a freeform poem .. so we can't use jambo/haiku etc .. but I like you remix Hades_One althouh it's not entirely what I was trying to say! do you mind if I use it?? (not in the competition though, but I'll refere to you of course)

Edited by Rosbjerg

Fortune favors the bald.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it could use more polar bears.

"It wasn't lies. It was just... bull****"."

             -Elwood Blues

 

tarna's dead; processing... complete. Disappointed by Universe. RIP Hades/Sand/etc. Here's hoping your next alt has a harp.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wrote my mom a poem about the ocean for mother's day and one about abused children when I was depressed, but that's all I've ever written outside of school assignments... :)

 

Other than the typos that you've already fixed, they look great. I hope you win.

 

EDIT: Could somone tell me what the Danish ones said? I doubt they'd translate perfectly, so all I'm asking for is the idea.

Edited by Darkside
sig2.gif
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just the ending...

 

Maybe something like "but does Rosbjerg feel fear, a thousand times no."

 

I think Robert Frost really messed up by not including this in more of his works.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When reading the english I feel like I'm having a stutter. Bad rhythm and too longwinded in a civil service kinda style (Kancellistil). Totally unlike the danish ones, actually...or nearly, as there are a few foreign words or words that just feel foreign there too. That's my general beef.

 

Unrelated to that at first I read this

"Et v

(Signatures: disabled) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

sorry for the grave digging, but I wanted to update the involved in how things went! :blink:

 

I didn't win anything, but my poems were well recieved and people seemed to think they were good, so I'm quite happy with the outcome!

 

but thank you for your help and support!

 

--

 

in respone to Janmand:

 

Unrelated to that at first I read this

"Et v

Edited by Rosbjerg

Fortune favors the bald.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sorry for the grave digging, but I wanted to update the involved in how things went! :)

 

I didn't win anything, but my poems were well recieved and people seemed to think they were good, so I'm quite happy with the outcome!

 

but thank you for your help and support!

 

Too bad you didn't win, but I'm glad your work was well recieved.

sig2.gif
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...