Meshugger Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 After reading this review i had to watch it again And if you wonder what so great about 80's action? Ruthlessreviews has the answer! Here's a some general info: Big sweaty men! Big noisy guns! Dozens of people getting beaten and slaughtered--per scene! Entire cities razed to the ground! Liberal wimps beware as simple handguns become judge, jury and executioner! And the only repercussion is that the Stupid Chief takes your badge and gun for the weekend... THE RUTHLESS GUIDE TO 80s ACTION Welcome to the wonderful, whitebread world of 80s Action. The brain trust here at Ruthless spent some time figuring out just what exactly made a shoot 'em up flick in the 80s so much better than the identical film shot in some other decade. That task took all of about five minutes. Firstly, action films from the 80's are all exceedingly homoerotic. It is an essential part of the given movie's aesthetic. Sure, Steve Reeves took his shirt off in The Thief of Baghdad, but he spent most of his time chasing after the princess, not touching other men. Of course all of the heroes in 80s Action flicks talk like tough guys, but there is rarely any hetero-sex and by the end of the movie they are typically locked in mortal, lascivious combat with another muscular, shirtless man. Furthermore, the heroes of these great films are men who in real life could actually beat the living f*ck out of you. Say what you will about his political abilities [Ed Note: Vote Larry Flynt], but back in 1983, Arnold Schwarzenegger could have ripped the arms off your body. Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lungren, Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude van Damme or Clint Eastwood, back about eighteen years, were all actually muscle-bound, tough-as-nails uber-mensches. You would not have wanted to run into any of them while lurking in a dark alley. Especially if you're a commie-nazi, drug-dealing terrorist leftist cop who's soft on crime and likes kidnapping/molesting under-aged white girls in said alleys. These days, more often than not, all you get are androgynous pencil-d*cks like Jared Leto playing the heavies. Put more succinctly, if me and Leto met in a darkened alley, I'd be the one bending him over. And Will Smith is exactly as intimidating as Milhouse Van Houten. Action stars of today are p*ssies. Action stars of two decades ago shot .44 bullets out of their c*cks. Honestly, if me and Charles Bronson were in the same room I'd kill myself just to make sure he didn't hurt me. Finally, 80s Action films have a definite right-wing slant to them. Similar to Triumph of the Will. Sure, no one wanted to see sex on screen while Reagan was in office, but more than half of the films we're going to discuss derived their plots from Willie Horton commercials. Whether it is Rocky Balboa single-handedly bringing down the Iron Curtain while draped in Old Glory or Charles Bronson intricately dissecting the fallacies of liberalism with a .357 Magnum or Schwarzenegger waltzing around half-nude with more guns than the Branch Davidians, people who enjoy circle jerking to Norman Rockwell prints simply love action films of the 80's. We know we do. Enjoy! "Some men see things as they are and say why?""I dream things that never were and say why not?"- George Bernard Shaw"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."- Friedrich Nietzsche "The amount of energy necessary to refute bull**** is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it." - Some guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabrielle Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Wow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 This website is spot on. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirottu Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 After reading this review i had to watch it again And if you wonder what so great about 80's action? Ruthlessreviews has the answer! Here's a some general info: Action stars of two decades ago shot .44 bullets out of their c*cks. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> :ph34r: This post is not to be enjoyed, discussed, or referenced on company time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Action stars of two decades ago shot .44 bullets out of their c*cks. Reminds me of From Dusk Till Dawn. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterSun Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Dutch (Arnold) and Dillon (Carl) greet each other by arm wrasslin', so as they get to hold hands for like forty-five seconds. At one point after a shouting match, Dutch (white) glares at Carl (black), then sticks a stogie in his mouth. Not to countermand Freud too much, but sometimes, Sigmund, a cigar is a big black phallus. And there is nothing gay about shirtless musclemen with big guns. Nothing at all. :ph34r: master of my domain Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blarghagh Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 You ****. I just spent the whole day at that site because of you. These guys are ****ing awesome. I especially like the 'worst black metal photos' parts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterSun Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I was going to make some comment about how people who laugh at black metal pics don't get it, but those pics are ****ing hilarious... master of my domain Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musopticon? Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Indeed. kirottu said: I was raised by polar bears. I had to fight against blood thirsty wolves and rabid penguins to get my food. Those who were too weak to survive were sent to Sweden. It has made me the man I am today. A man who craves furry hentai. So let us go and embrace the rustling smells of unseen worlds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterSun Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Except for Horgh, naturally.You can't take the piss out of someone that awesome. master of my domain Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meshugger Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 I was going to make some comment about how people who laugh at black metal pics don't get it, but those pics are ****ing hilarious... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yup, ruthlessreviews are one of the few sites who understands the humor about Black Metal "Some men see things as they are and say why?""I dream things that never were and say why not?"- George Bernard Shaw"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."- Friedrich Nietzsche "The amount of energy necessary to refute bull**** is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it." - Some guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirottu Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Funny yet strangely sad. They really tried to be so evil, but failed. This post is not to be enjoyed, discussed, or referenced on company time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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