The Other Side of Art...

[Archmonarch]

Well with the rash of art threads, I thought I'd throw my own hat into the ring. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I lack all skill in the visual medium; my talent seems to lie in the literary arts. Thus, I propose to post a portion of my current writing. Feel free to leave commentary, positive or negative, as all critiques help.

 

I must warn you, my favored genres are sci-fi and fantasy, so such will my writing contain. And please if you have any idea as to how to improve the general concepts of my piece, say something!

 

Now, without further ado, the prologue of my first major work:

"The Stranger Within"

 

May 16, 2032

Despite his wishes, the ceiling revealed nothing except the slowly shifting pre-dawn shadows. Another sleepless night - not that he dared sleep. When consciousness fell away, he knew darkness would surge and the nightmares envelop him again. Mothers still scared their children with the thought of monsters, however, few truly believed in bogeymen. Viktor Cromwell knew differently; he knew that evil existed.

 

In the beginning, he had been a simple scientist working on his first independent research project with a single assistant. The lab was typical, if better stocked than most, being of corporate sponsorship. Bottles of all shapes, sizes, and configurations filled with carefully labeled but still mysterious liquids lined the dual counters, east and west. Along one wall rested a complex of perhaps twenty cages, each filled with a single rat or rabbit, named for expediency

[Archmonarch]

Please respond someone. I find it surprising how many people gush over drawings or digital art, yet completely lack any interest in commenting on its literary equivalent.

 

Arch is a sad, sad boy.

[Kaftan Barlast]

You have to give us time. Looking at a picture is quick.

[Archmonarch]

You are correct. I apologize for my impatience, yet know that I am simply anxious at the reaction (thus far none) garnered by my work.

[Darth Launch]

Hey Arch!

 

Personally, it sounds like the kind of story that I wouldn't really consider reading... what with genetic modification and military stuff - can all be a bit too technical and manly for me sometimes - but its a really good start to what seems to be a really interesting story

 

I would definitely keep reading it so long as you keep posting it though... I mean if I can write innane crap and comments about people's art then I'm more than happy to oblige with your writing

 

Keep up the hard work

 

DL

 

P.S. Can I request that Viktor gets a shower... I cant imagine a scientist that works with genetics, animals and all sorts of fiddly things to really be that unhygenic

[Archmonarch]

Why, thank you, DL. And this is just an introduction to my universe, so to speak. The remainder of the story is quite different in nature. Remember, any comments you might have, please share.

[OLD SKOOL WHEELMAN]

Hmmmmm.

 

As a man who enjoys more articulate books in the sense of metaphors and foil, I must say I enjoyed it for the most part, but some parts I didn't dislike, just noted as a little trite, or just needed to be tuned.

 

I won't tell you them, though. I'd like for you to tell me them.

 

If you dare.

[Archmonarch]

Though I profess no skill at self-critique, I believe I know the passages to which you refer. First, when Ogren speaks of "national security." Secondly, the entire base scene seems contrived and cliche. Also, dialogue is definitely not my forte.

 

Anything I missed? Though I welcome any comments, more detailed posts would be most helpful.

 

And in case anyone wants to continue reading, I'll post Chapter 1 tomorrow.

[jaguars4ever]

What, no pictures? Just what kind of art thread is this?

 

Instead I find all this "writing stuff" - good god man, this is America!

 

 

 

From cursory glance it looks interesting Arch. I'll read it tomorrow when I have the time.

[Archmonarch]

Well, I decided not to wait. Here's Chapter One. Oh, and I forgot to mention earlier, if you have any questions concerning anything (about the chapters), ask and I will answer where I can.

 

Chapter One

 

Many Years Later

 

Crown Prince Vikor IV, scion of Emperor Vikor III, heir to a third of the galaxy and time in all its dominion, sprawled at his ease in the interface chair of the Tulovian Imperial Fleet observatory ship Galileo en route to his first assignment as an Academy graduate and Imperial cadet.

 

 

[Darth Launch]

Hmm...

 

It was an interesting chapter... I think you overuse a lot of "technical" words though... I dont think all of them are actually necessary for the story... kinda confused me at one point...

 

Also, is this Prince Vikor dude going to be your main character?... I know its not always essential for main characters to actually be likeable but his self absorption is something thats not too interesting to read...

 

I found his shape-shifting moment a little unnecessary too... simulating to eat that dude? Huh?...

 

Apart from that it was a good chapter

 

I liked what little you wrote about Belyara Eller, she seems interesting and a bit more realistic too with what little you wrote of her as does Bal

 

Like I said before, I'm more than happy to continue reading your story and making silly comments if thats what you'd want :D

 

DL

[Archmonarch]

You'll see what happens to Vikor soon enough.

[Archmonarch]

Well in case anyone besides me continues to care...I present Ch. 2! Karn is the main character of the work in total. Also, does the interaction between Sam and Karn seem realistic? Any advice in this area would be most appreciated.

 

 

Chapter Two

 

A passing bird dropped a seed and from it grew a tree. It was an odd-looking tree, but one he thought he recognized: a fig tree. As the plant grew, small bronze leaves slowly turned green and leathery, while from the branches extended aerial roots, forming a veritable forest of eventual stems. Yet as the tree grew, the earth shriveled away, leaving only waste behind. And from this tree were born many fruits, and from these fruits, many Earths.

 

Awaking in a cold sweat from his premonition, Karn opened his dark eyes and gazed up at the familiar stone ceiling of his cell. Such visions occurred from time to time, signs of his psychic potential. Or perhaps indicators of subconscious reasoning. He wasn

[metadigital]

I haven't read the second chapter, yet, so I'll confine my comments to the prologue and chapter one. I was interested in the plot, after a slow start. I found the lack of female characters didn't help to lock my interest: maybe Viktor should be Viktoria? (Is that a English Civil War reference, with Cromwell and the beginning of a new -- genetically modified -- epoch?)

 

I was very interested to see the warm-blooded cooker-roaches (stupid filter, I'll bet the poor people who live in Skunthorpe (sic) are sick of all their email being quarantined ...).

 

Then we get a fantasy setting. Hmm. You just lost me, I'm not a big fan of fantasy. I did appreciate your attempts to pin some of the "magic" down with science (even though those were the bits that Launch didn't seem to like ) but I think Science Fantasy is a dangerous genre: you have to be so careful with the scientific explanations as well as the actual real-life implications of fantastical phenomena; for example, if your Prince actually flies using his wings then I would not read anymore.

 

For example, have you read Olaf Stapleton's Last and First Men? One of the ages of Man is a bird-like flying man, and he briefly describes the physiological changes to a human to allow us to fly: remember that birds have hollow bones to reduce weight, think of the caloric consumption needed to generate the energy required for flight -- hummingbirds eat pure sugar all day, one species in the Andes hibernates to the point of suspended animation in the sub-zero night there, every night. And the musculature of a birdlike being the size of a man would require about half the body to be the pectoral muscles, in size and weight.

 

This is the danger, once you allow scientific rational analysis into a fantasy, you have to provide the charcoal roughage as well as the high-joule diet for the dragon.

 

Now, I suppose you can escape from the rigours of our mundane dimension and invoke some inter-dimensional pseudo-explanations about power being diverted and gravitron-manipulation for what appears to be flight (to us mere mortals) -- and this might be sufficient for other readers -- but I just lose interest and read a non-fiction history of the ancient world or some such.

 

I would have been happy to follow the prologue along further (then again, I presume the two parts of the narrative would join up later in the novel). I did feel that there was too large a gap between the prologue and the first chapter; I actually stopped and physically had to make myself read it after taking a break.

 

At this stage I would be looking for the point of the story: why am I reading this? I would hope there is some ethical dilemma or epic theme to be played out, rather than just a bedtime story with little green men, which ends up being just a distraction from the miseries of existence, if only for a brief moment ...

 

Please don't take these comments as a fatal review; I am merely expressing my own desires for entertainment (and I'm sure they differ from most others, if not all others!).

 

I think you write well, although I'd be interested to see how the story pans out in first-person, rather than third. (One can still omit large amounts of the interior monologue to prevent a plethora of irrelevant and plot-busting verbiage. And also skip between characters in the first person.) That might help hook the reader into the story, especially in the prologue.

 

Incidentally, another reason for pausing between posting chapters is for others to comment on the story so far, without having to read large swathes of future chapters: this would help provide you with more targeted criticism.

[metadigital]

Okay, I am back and I've braved chapter 2.

 

A couple of minor points: "tabled", as in "She tabled the issue for further consultation" means "put away" in the US and "bring out" in the UK.

 

Secondly, I generally dislike having characters with overly similar names; your twins are irritating to disambiguate, much the same as Saron and Sarumon were for me in LotR.

 

Now, I like this chapter a lot more than the first.

 

Karn seems to be a better character, I would say he has been worked on more, because he has more depth and that comes across. One small point, you don't seem to include any negative characteristics in your descriptions; even Karn's habitual tardiness is left to inferrence and another character's comments. I find adding things like having a hang-over or a hang-nail add some depth.

 

I like the post-apocalyptic setting, the contrivance of dates and the use of Aztec nomenclature -- only do please remember to explain the gods / artifacts all the time, because I for one tend to skim those words as they appear similar and I can't pronounce them anyway!

 

I was a little puzzled that Karn has taught himself a lot of science where it is obvious that there isn't any Great Library to help ... that might lead to credibilty problems later, depending on if he builds a laser blaster from a couple of coconuts (unless you're doing a Gilligan's Island spoof or a homage to Holy Grail). :D

 

you might just want to expand on that a bit, or provide some sort of artifact to explain it, rather than giving him the knowledge.

 

I must admit I have little idea what you will write next, except I imagine Karn and the shapechanger dude are going to meet. (Oh, I liked Galileo in the first chapter, too, I think all spaceships should have a hologram of a great scientist.)

[Archmonarch]

They will meet...in a way.

 

I'd like to thank everyone who has commented as well. It all helps make my writing better.

[metadigital]

They will meet...in a way. 

 

I'd like to thank everyone who has commented as well. It all helps make my writing better.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As does posting comments helps us readers to write better -- because most inveterate readers are frustrated writers ... :D

[Archmonarch]

Get ready for a long one.

 

Chapter Three

 

As the two continued toward the outpost, Karn recalled a flash of motion at his arrival.

[Darth Launch]

Hey Arch

 

I tried reading chapter 2, but my eyes are hurting too much at the moment and I want to gouge them out...

 

Keep posting your chapters though, now that I've got the summer off I can catch up easily

 

DL

[Archmonarch]

I advise against gouging your eyes out, because then you wouldn't be able to read any more of my story. :D

[Bytor]

Enjoying your story

[Darth Launch]

Phew...

 

Finally got through the second chapter without banging my head against the wall repeatedly and wanting to scratch my eyes out...

 

I actually really enjoyed the second chapter a lot more than the first or the prelude... you've written Sam and Karn quite well

 

I agree with Mr Metadigital about the twins' names, but I suppose parents tend to name twins quite similarly (I know quite a few twins) so that's not a major flaw in your story in any way...

 

Right, am going to read the third chapter now... :cool:

 

DL

 

EDIT - Okay, just finished the third chapter...

 

I'm finding this story really growing on me now... I love the way you've written Karn, Sam and Obiji and their relationships between each other

 

I'm glad you made Karn's powers subside once again... the whole it-just-was-a-matter-of-doing-something-simple-to-make-you-uber-powerful thing normally annoys me in stories so I'm glad that his powers are once again dormant

 

Can't wait for the next chapter Arch

Edited May 28, 2005 by Darth Launch

[Kaftan Barlast]

All text an' no purdy picteurs to gawk at? I arent readin' that.

 

 

 

*plays a short tune on his banjo*

[Archmonarch]

I like this next chapter alot, so I hope you do as well. The characters introduced here have been mentioned previously. If necessary, refer back to earlier posts.

 

Chapter Four

 

Bram Corvin was a Skrill. Of course, he was not a normal Skrill, for none of that skeletal race would have ever been allowed on the planet, much less appointed Head Security Director of the Atlantis Project. In appearance, there were no differences between he and a normal Tulovian. Indeed, for the first fifteen centuries of his life, Bram had been one.

 

However, thirty-seven years ago, he had disappeared for two weeks. Upon his return, the soldier told his superiors it had been a family emergency and no more was said of the matter. Yet, the truth was quite different.

 

On patrol in M51, commonly known as the Whirlpool Galaxy, largest of a cluster of several nebulae in the Hunting Dogs constellation, Bram had encountered an unregistered vessel of a design with which he was unfamiliar, similar to a squid without its tentacles. When hailing produced no answer, the pilot attempted to scan for lifeforms. The scout ship

[Darth Launch]

Hmm...

 

I liked this chapter too, although not as much as your previous two (I might be a little biased as I've become attached to Karn and Sam :"> )...

 

Belial sounds evil and nasty... I like him already :D

 

On the whole, I felt it was a well written chapter

 

Keep posting

 

DL

 

P.S. My only problem with your stuff is your chapters are soooo long for my poor tired, bloodshot eyes