jaguars4ever Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 Now, without further ado, the prologue of my first major work: "The Stranger Within" May 16, 2032 Despite his wishes, the ceiling revealed nothing except the slowly shifting pre-dawn shadows. Another sleepless night - not that he dared sleep. When consciousness fell away, he knew darkness would surge and the nightmares envelop him again. Mothers still scared their children with the thought of monsters, however, few truly believed in bogeymen. Viktor Cromwell knew differently; he knew that evil existed. This I like. A very strong opening foreshadowing the darkness to come. :cool: In the beginning, he had been a simple scientist working on his first independent research project with a single assistant. The lab was typical, if better stocked than most, being of corporate sponsorship. Bottles of all shapes, sizes, and configurations filled with carefully labeled but still mysterious liquids lined the dual counters, east and west. Along one wall rested a complex of perhaps twenty cages, each filled with a single rat or rabbit, named for expediency Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 Here's the next one. Sorry, DL, Karn and Sam aren't involved. However, I believe this is the shortest chapter yet. Chapter Five Vikor was resting, listening to warbling Zvorian throat singers, when there came a tapping at his chamber door. Growling deep in his throat, the prince shouted, And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Launch Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Its cool Arch, I'll forgive you this once for not writing about Karn and Sam Well, I have to say that this chapter was probably my least favourite of all the ones you've posted so far, but I most definitely have read worse stuff in published work so don't take it badly Thankfully, it was a short chapter... I found the whole 'body army' thing a little weird but you didn't go on about it for too long so I wasn't too confused :"> I await your next chapter :cool: DL [color=gray][i]OO-TINI![/i][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I have read very selectively but am I the only one who gets the feeling of old school funky sci-fi of the 50's where astronauts had goldfish bowls on their heads? :D IS this your intention Misarth..mister Acrhmonarch? DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Launch Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Now that you mention it Kaftan, you might be onto something... DL [color=gray][i]OO-TINI![/i][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 While I agree this isnt one of my better chapters, unfortunately, "I liked it" or "I didnt like it" do little but tell me what chapters need work. Any specific areas you had problems with, besides the mnemochive? Any ideas on how to improve this chapter? And I believe all of the remaining chapters I have written contain either Karn, Sam, or both. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Launch Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Sorry Arch, didnt mean to be an idiot with unconstructive criticism... Well, I'll read through it again and try and be more specific DL [color=gray][i]OO-TINI![/i][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 No, no, not at all! I highly appreciate your comments and those of everyone else who contributes to this thread. I simply need specificity if I am to improve. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 And could you please say what kind of mood you have for this Sci-Fi? Am I completely out with the funky style? DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 I am not sure I truly understand your question. Do you mean mood as in the emotional tone of my work or mood as in the concepts behind it? If the first, I have no set disposition. If the latter, it is meant to be a commentary on whether we are the sum of our memories or something more. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Launch Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Ok, I've read it through again... I think the main part of the chapter that wasn't particularly well done was the whole "mnemochive" or whatever you call it bit, as it didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the chapter... seemed almost tangent-like... Another aspect that put me off was how you wrote Vikor... the last time you had written about him he came across as if he didn't take the whole 'being responsible' part that seriously (like how he spoke so casually when reporting for duty), so when he said that he'd go down with his ship it didn't quite fit in with the way he was initially portrayed (I suppose that the case with that may be that there could be more to him than what there initially seemed)... Anyway, I hope my rambling makes sense, if not then I'm sorry Arch, but I am still suffering from my insomnia DL [color=gray][i]OO-TINI![/i][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metadigital Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Yep, I can feel that funky "Pulp-Sci-Fi" vibe from here. :D OBSCVRVM PER OBSCVRIVS ET IGNOTVM PER IGNOTIVS OPVS ARTIFICEM PROBAT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 Ok, I've read it through again... I think the main part of the chapter that wasn't particularly well done was the whole "mnemochive" or whatever you call it bit, as it didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the chapter... seemed almost tangent-like... Another aspect that put me off was how you wrote Vikor... the last time you had written about him he came across as if he didn't take the whole 'being responsible' part that seriously (like how he spoke so casually when reporting for duty), so when he said that he'd go down with his ship it didn't quite fit in with the way he was initially portrayed (I suppose that the case with that may be that there could be more to him than what there initially seemed)... Anyway, I hope my rambling makes sense, if not then I'm sorry Arch, but I am still suffering from my insomnia DL <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hmm...I see your point about the mnemochive (mnemo = memory, ar[chive]). I got the idea from another book I read titled "The Golden Age" by John C. Wright. I highly recommend it by the way. It seemed to work there, but perhaps he is more eloquent than I. He is, however, in his 40's (I believe) as opposed to my 17. About Vikor (in case you hadnt noticed Vikor is a corruption of Viktor (his ancestor), I tried to redeem him as not all bad, but corrupted by an overbearing relative, but that seems to have fallen flat. I'll try to rewrite this chapter and have a new version by tonight. Im attending summer classes at a local college so I might not have anything otherwise until tomorrow afternoon. And meta/Kaftan, is that a bad thing? The style you perceive, I mean. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 They should write these Sci-Fi boos without any story and just the fictional techie stuff. I have this wonderful book from the late 70's called "god morning future" thats just full of weird predictions about the technology of the future. It has some pretty spaced-out stuff. I should write a novell in that world, it would kick ass. Everyone would be wearing brown turtlenecks, have full beards and glasses with thick plastic rims :D edit: No archie, I like funky Sci-Fi. People are just trying too hard nowadays. DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 Any particularly convincing examples? Maybe I could incorporate one. A secret message to my friends on the ObE boards. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaguars4ever Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 You guys like funky-pulp-sci-fi too?! (w00t) You lot are hereby assigned to watch Heavy Metal. You have your orders soldiers. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 No, "heavy metal" is bizarre 80's fantasy Sci-Fi... it doesnt have rockets and men living in bubbles on the sea floor. DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nartwak Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 It does have the Loknar though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 Though I normally dont mind OT posts, I would appreciate it if we stuck to the subject at hand here. I am afraid once this thread becomes derailed, attracting renewed interest in my writing would be difficult. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nartwak Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Sorry Archmonarch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 30, 2005 Author Share Posted May 30, 2005 No need to apologize. But I would appreciate more comments if you're willing to read my story. No pressure though. And as Ive told others, call me Arch. And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archoz Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 My Anime Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 No! Bad Archoz! Do not derail the thread! :ph34r: Anyway, heres the next chapter. Its Karn heavy. Im not quite sure of the interactions between Karn, Sam, and Obiji at the end, so I would appreciate any comments on that section particularly. Chapter Six Karn was lonely. It had been three days since he And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Launch Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Oh Arch! This chapter was totally awesome! Much awesomeness indeed! I didn't see the whole Karn-becoming-the-next-Prince thing at all... very cool You're right about the interaction between Karn, Sam and Obiji at the end... would Sam really jump on Karn and kiss him like that in front of her dad? Also, that little paragraph at the end about Bal following his new master seemed a little rushed, like you had just remembered to that you should mention it or something... Despite those two ickle issues, that was a super chapter! Great work Arch DL P.S. Honest, your writing is not bad for a kid [color=gray][i]OO-TINI![/i][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archmonarch Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Well, since you liked it so much, here's another! Unfortunately this is probably my least favorite chapter of all the ones I have written, so any suggestions would be great. Chapter Seven And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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