Fun with the Bible

[Kaftan Barlast]

Find and post weird and funny bible quotes here. Ill go first. They have to be real(unless they're REALLY funny)

 

 

Genesis 38:8-10 "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also."

 

 

What bothers me here is that they aint talking about your usual grain here... :D

[Gorth]

Find and post weird and funny bible quotes here. Ill go first. They have to be real(unless they're REALLY funny)

 

 

Genesis 38:8-10 "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also."

 

 

What bothers me here is that they aint talking about your usual grain here... :D

 

Sounds like bad xxx stuff... and the guy got divinely nuked for the crime of failing to... ehh... nevermind :">

[deganawida]

Is there any particular reason for this thread? I mean, other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs? If so, I fail to see it. I suppose that if I started a thread with supposedly funny quotes from Gerald Gardner, or Mohammed, or Confusious, or Lao Tze, or Buddha, that would be great fun as well?

[Gorth]

I mean, other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs?

Not sure what it has to do with "ridiculing", but then, I'm not very sensitive to religious matters. Having read the Bible, I know that there are some funny passages in there although I can't remember them from top of my head anymore

[Nartwak]

Is there any particular reason for this thread? I mean, other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs?

 

No.

 

[Product of the Cosmos]

Is there any particular reason for this thread?  I mean, other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs?  If so, I fail to see it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

The reason I would assume(by looking at the title), would be fun. lol. Maybe mixed with a little bit of 'wow I didnt know that'.

 

I suppose that if I started a thread with supposedly funny quotes from Gerald Gardner, or Mohammed, or Confusious, or Lao Tze, or Buddha, that would be great fun as well?

 

Sure, please do. It would be interesting. Well, if you actually had any... lol. Seriously, I would love it if you did post a thread with quotes of any kind. But I dont think your into posting knowledge or history people dont know, moreso ridiculing others doing it in a way you don't like... Maybe I don't see enough of your posting.. But thats what it seems..

 

If you quote a source, and it makes them look bad, maybe they should not affiliate with whatever looks bad......

 

Anyway here are some:

 

"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him takes care to chastise[beat] him"  (Proverbs 13:24 NAB)

 

"When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished.  If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property."  (Exodus 21:20-21 NAB)

 

"Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock." Psalms (137:9 NAB)

 

 

lol this is probably full of selective editing... But Funny(to me anyway) nonetheless:

 

1.God is satisfied with his works

        Gen 1:31

        God is dissatisfied with his works.

        Gen 6:6

    2. God dwells in chosen temples

        2 Chron 7:12,16

        God dwells not in temples

        Acts 7:48

    3. God dwells in light

        Tim 6:16

        God dwells in darkness

        1 Kings 8:12/ Ps 18:11/ Ps 97:2

    4. God is seen and heard

        Ex 33:23/ Ex 33:11/ Gen 3:9,10/ Gen 32:30/ Is 6:1/

          Ex 24:9-11

        God is invisible and cannot be heard

        John 1:18/ John 5:37/ Ex 33:20/ 1 Tim 6:16

    5. God is tired and rests

        Ex 31:17/ Jer 15:6

        God is never tired and never rests

        Is 40:28

    6. God is everywhere present, sees and knows all things

        Prov 15:3/ Ps 139:7-10/ Job 34:22,21

        God is not everywhere present, neither sees nor knows all   

        things

        Gen 11:5/ Gen 18:20,21/ Gen 3:8

    7. God knows the hearts of men

        Acts 1:24/ Ps 139:2,3

        God tries men to find out what is in their heart

        Deut 13:3/ Deut 8:2/ Gen 22:12

    8. God is all powerful

        Jer 32:27/ Matt 19:26

      God is not all powerful

        Judg 1:19

    9. God is unchangeable

        James 1:17/ Mal 3:6/ Ezek 24:14/ Num 23:19

        God is changeable

        Gen 6:6/ Jonah 3:10/ 1 Sam 2:30,31/ 2 Kings 20:1,4,5,6/

          Ex 33:1,3,17,14

    10. God is just and impartial

          Ps 92:15/ Gen 18:25/ Deut 32:4/ Rom 2:11/ Ezek 18:25

        God is unjust and partial

          Gen 9:25/ Ex 20:5/ Rom 9:11-13/ Matt 13:12

    11. God is the author of evil

          Lam 3:38/ Jer 18:11/ Is 45:7/ Amos 3:6/ Ezek 20:25

        God is not the author of evil

          1 Cor 14:33/ Deut 32:4/ James 1:13

    12. God gives freely to those who ask

          James 1:5/ Luke 11:10

        God withholds his blessings and prevents men from receiving 

        them

          John 12:40/ Josh 11:20/ Is 63:17

    13. God is to be found by those who seek him

          Matt 7:8/ Prov 8:17

        God is not to be found by those who seek him

          Prov 1:28

    14. God is warlike

          Ex 15:3/ Is 51:15

        God is peaceful

          Rom 15:33/ 1 Cor 14:33

    15. God is cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious

          Jer 13:14/ Deut 7:16/ 1 Sam 15:2,3/ 1 Sam 6:19

        God is kind, merciful, and good

          James 5:11/ Lam 3:33/ 1 Chron 16:34/ Ezek 18:32/ Ps 145:9/

          1 Tim 2:4/ 1 John 4:16/ Ps 25:8

    16. God's anger is fierce and endures long

          Num 32:13/ Num 25:4/ Jer 17:4

        God's anger is slow and endures but for a minute

          Ps 103:8/ Ps 30:5

    17. God commands, approves of, and delights in burnt offerings, 

        sacrifices ,and holy days

          Ex 29:36/ Lev 23:27/ Ex 29:18/ Lev 1:9

        God disapproves of and has no pleasure in burnt offerings, 

        sacrifices, and holy days.

          Jer 7:22/ Jer 6:20/ Ps 50:13,4/ Is 1:13,11,12

    18. God accepts human sacrifices

          2 Sam 21:8,9,14/ Gen 22:2/ Judg 11:30-32,34,38,39

        God forbids human sacrifice

          Deut 12:30,31

    19. God temps men

          Gen 22:1/ 2 Sam 24:1/ Jer 20:7/ Matt 6:13

        God temps no man

          James 1:13

    20. God cannot lie

          Heb 6:18

        God lies by proxy; he sends forth lying spirits t deceive

          2 Thes 2:11/ 1 Kings 22:23/ Ezek 14:9

    21. Because of man's wickedness God destroys him

          Gen 6:5,7

        Because of man's wickedness God will not destroy him

          Gen 8:21

    22. God's attributes are revealed in his works.

          Rom 1:20

        God's attributes cannot be discovered

          Job 11:7/ Is 40:28

    23. There is but one God

          Deut 6:4

        There is a plurality of gods

          Gen 1:26/ Gen 3:22/ Gen 18:1-3/ 1 John 5:7

[Gorth]

Not sure that would qualify as humorous...

[Product of the Cosmos]

There is no 1 size fits all when it comes to humor. To me, its funny because people actually believe it, or once followed it. lol.

 

Its the type of humor, kinda like watching a dog chase its tail.. The stupidity is funny. Cant help but feel bad if the dog smacks its head on a table or something, but its still funny.

[Oerwinde]

Timothy 4:1-3

 

Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

 

God hates vegetarians.

[deganawida]

Is there any particular reason for this thread?  I mean, other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs?  If so, I fail to see it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

The reason I would assume(by looking at the title), would be fun. lol. Maybe mixed with a little bit of 'wow I didnt know that'.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

There is no 1 size fits all when it comes to humor.  To me, its funny because people actually believe it, or once followed it. lol.

Its the type of humor, kinda like watching a dog chase its tail..  The stupidity is funny.  Cant help but feel bad if the dog smacks its head on a table or something, but its still funny.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I'll ask again: Is there a point to this thread other than to ridicule those who have Judeo-Christian beliefs?

[Product of the Cosmos]

You decide with your own perception dega.

 

If people think beating their children is good.

Killing someone for wearing more then 1 type of clothe.

Killing someone who grows more then 1 type of plant in their crops.

 

heh... I think they can take some ridiculing. I havent met a single person with those beliefs. Yet it is in many people's religion...

 

I have to put up with the BS everyday of a largely religious populous. And I take it all in stride. If someone takes this badly, it may act as something to strengthen them in areas they should be stronger in.

 

If your going to keep asking, looking for your answer, well... You can just stop at Nartwak, and leave the thread 'knowing' your 'right' in your discontent... lol.

 

 

*clicks report*

 

Report:"These people are pointing out things that are said in the bible!!!!!! Stop them!!"

 

lol.....

 

More contridicting 'snips'(many seem exagerated or completely fabricated lol):

 

24. Robbery commanded

          Ex 3:21,22/ Ex 12:35,36

        Robbery forbidden

          Lev 19:13/ Ex 20:15

    25. Lying approved and sanctioned

          Josh 2:4-6/ James 2:25/ Ex 1:18-20/ 1 Kings 22:21,22

        Lying forbidden

          Ex 20:16/ Prov 12:22/ Rev 21:8

    26. Hatred to the Edomite sanctioned

          2 Kings 14:7,3

        Hatred to the Edomite forbidden

          Deut 23:7

    27. Killing commanded

          Ex 32:27

        Killing forbidden

          Ex 20:13

    28. The blood-shedder must die

          Gen 9:5,6

        The blood-shedder must not die

          Gen 4:15

    29. The making of images forbidden

          Ex 20:4

        The making of images commanded

          Ex 25:18,20

    30. Slavery and oppression ordained

          Gen 9:25/ Lev 25:45,46/ Joel 3:8

        Slavery and oppression forbidden

          Is 58:6/ Ex 22:21/ Ex 21:16/ Matt 23:10

    31. Improvidence enjoyed

          Matt 6:28,31,34/ Luke 6:30,35/ Luke 12:3

        Improvidence condemned

          1 Tim 5:8/ Prov 13:22

    32. Anger approved

          Eph 4:26

        Anger disapproved

          Eccl 7:9/ Prov 22:24/ James 1:20

    33. Good works to be seen of men

          Matt 5:16

        Good works not to be seen of men

          Matt 6:1

    34. Judging of others forbidden

          Matt 7:1,2

        Judging of others approved

          1 Cor 6:2-4/ 1 Cor 5:12

      35. Christ taught non-resistance

          Matt 5:39/ Matt 26:52

        Christ taught and practiced physical resistance

          Luke 22:36/ John 2:15

    36. Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed

          Luke 12:4

        Christ himself avoided the Jews for fear of being killed

          John 7:1

    37. Public prayer sanctioned

          1 Kings 8:22,54, 9:3

        Public prayer disapproved

          Matt 6:5,6

    38. Importunity in prayer commended

          Luke 18:5,7

        Importunity in prayer condemned

          Matt 6:7,8

    39. The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned

          Judg 13:5/ Num 6:5

        The wearing of long hair by men condemned

          1 Cor 11:14

    40. Circumcision instituted

          Gen 17:10

        Circumcision condemned

          Gal 5:2

    41. The Sabbath instituted

          Ex 20:8

        The Sabbath repudiated

          Is 1:13/ Rom 14:5/ Col 2:16

    42. The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day

          Ex 20:11

        The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites   

        out of Egypt

          Deut 5:15

    43. No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death

          Ex 31:15/ Num 15:32,36

        Jesus Christ broke the Sabbath and justified his disciples in

        the same

          John 5:16/ Matt 12:1-3,5

    44. Baptism commanded

          Matt 28:19

        Baptism not commanded

          1 Cor 1:17,14

    45. Every kind of animal allowed for food.

          Gen 9:3/ 1 Cor 10:25/ Rom 14:14

        Certain kinds of animals prohibited for food.

          Deut 14:7,8

      46. Taking of oaths sanctioned

          Num 30:2/ Gen 21:23-24,31/ Gen 31:53/ Heb 6:13

        Taking of oaths forbidden

          Matt 5:34

    47. Marriage approved

          Gen 2:18/ Gen 1:28/ Matt 19:5/ Heb 13:4

        Marriage disapproved

          1 Cor 7:1/ 1 Cor 7:7,8

    48. Freedom of divorce permitted

          Deut 24:1/ Deut 21:10,11,14

        Divorce restricted

          Matt 5:32

    49. Adultery forbidden

          Ex 20:14/ Heb 13:4

        Adultery allowed

          Num 31:18/ Hos 1:2; 2:1-3

    50. Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced

          Deut 27:22/ Lev 20:17

        Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union

          Gen 20:11,12/ Gen 17:16

    51. A man may marry his brother's widow

          Deut 25:5

        A man may not marry his brother's widow

          Lev 20:21

    52. Hatred to kindred enjoined

          Luke 14:26

        Hatred to kindred condemned

          Eph 6:2/ Eph 5:25,29

    53. Intoxicating beverages recommended

          Prov 31:6,7/ 1 Tim 5:23/ Ps 104:15

        Intoxicating beverages discountenanced

          Prov 20:1/ Prov 23:31,32

    54. It is our duty to obey our rulers, who are God's ministers 

        and punish evil doers only

          Rom 13:1-3,6

        It is not our duty to obey rulers, who sometimes punish the 

        good and receive unto themselves damnation therefor

          Ex 1:17,20/ Dan 3:16,18/ Dan 6:9,7,10/ Acts 4:26,27/

          Mark 12:38,39,40/ Luke 23:11,24,33,35

    55. Women's rights denied

          Gen 3:16/ 1 Tim 2:12/ 1 Cor 14:34/ 1 Pet 3:6

        Women's rights affirmed

          Judg 4:4,14,15/ Judg 5:7/ Acts 2:18/ Acts 21:9

    56. Obedience to masters enjoined

          Col 3:22,23/ 1 Pet 2:18

        Obedience due to God only

          Matt 4:10/ 1 Cor 7:23/ Matt 23:10

    57. There is an unpardonable sin

          Mark 3:29

        There is not unpardonable sin

          Acts 13:39

 

Got them from http://www.evilbible.com

 

rofl@ the name.

[Gorth]

  I have to put up with the BS everyday of a largely religious populous.  And I take it all in stride.  If someone takes this badly, it may act as something to strengthen them in areas they should be stronger in.

 

And that entitles you to deliberatedly trying to destroy this thread by posting flamebait how ?

 

My life sucks, therefore everybody elses have to suck too ?

 

The original post was funny, so was Oerwinde's, sadly it only takes one troll to ruin it...

[Oerwinde]

This thread should be trimmed, and renamed Fun with Religious Texts, so that we can poke fun at how ridiculous all religions are.

[iamthelorax]

Any commands and such in the New Testament supercede any contradictory ones in the Old. And each Testament frequently condradicts itself because it was written by a zillion different authors over probably a significant span of time. Furthermore, many of those contradictory quotes are certainly instances of different contexts, and diminish the overall strength of that argument against the Bible. Finally, the Catholic Church left the contradictions in when it assembled the Canon probably because it just didn't want to edit the "Word" for consistency (after all, it was all inspired by God, how could it be contradictory?) and/or because it wanted to have a Biblical quote to back up every piece of doctrine, even contradictory ones (usually at different times). Even given that, I, for one, disagree even with what's would be in a Dogma-friendly edit of the Bible. Which is to say that I disagree with the Church.

 

As for the vegetarianism quote, that goes to show that even the New Testament is faulty, and that God, if IT exists, disagrees with some of it. And I imagine you can find veg-friendly quotes in the NT. I know you can in the Old.

[Product of the Cosmos]

  I have to put up with the BS everyday of a largely religious populous.  And I take it all in stride.  If someone takes this badly, it may act as something to strengthen them in areas they should be stronger in.

 

And that entitles you to deliberatedly trying to destroy this thread by posting flamebait how ?

 

My life sucks, therefore everybody elses have to suck too ?

 

The original post was funny, so was Oerwinde's, sadly it only takes one troll to ruin it...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I don't see any 'flamebait'(except your attack towards me). I don't see how you could see me trying to destroy this thread. lol.

 

My life does not suck. And religious zealots do not make my outlook or enjoyment lower in life.

 

Conflict is all I seem to get on these forums. lol. I post 'I think automatic cars are better' and I get some wanker taking a jab at me. You are no different in this case.

 

You did not understand what I meant in the quote I presume. Please break down why you think I am trolling this thread so I may understand your point of view better.

 

Because so far you seem like someone acting on impulse, anger, or a grudge. I can see no reason to your attack towards me. Unless maybe your Christian... In that case I guess you feel like lashing out at someone? Simple, dont come in the thread...

[Craftsman]

As a Christian, I find this thread questionable in its purpose and wonder just why it was started.

[Nartwak]

I post 'I think automatic cars are better'

What the **** is wrong with you? Okay, this time I'm joking.

 

This thread should be trimmed, and renamed Fun with Religious Texts, so that we can poke fun at how ridiculous all religions are.

Um... no. How about, instead of that, we all respect (read: ignore) each other's various theologies, spiritualities, or philosophies? How does that strike you? Perhaps we could pretend for a while that we're not all thrice-damned bigoted **** interested mainly in marginalizing, disrespecting and proselytizing? As though!

[kumquatq3]

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

--Albert Einstein

 

Off subject a bit, you know Einstein isn't religious like you are, right?

 

He was a deist, of sorts. He felt that something helped to created it all, but not a God thats active in everyday life or the existence of an after life. He had in mind something like the God of Aristotle, a distant, impersonal "prime mover." It might not even be conscious, but a mere force.

 

I'll find a link to his letters that say as much if anyone likes, but just an FYI on a subject most people (including me till this was brought to my attention) misunderstand.

[Nartwak]

I think Einstein was an Atheist and that he used religious nomenclature as a poetic metaphor.

[kumquatq3]

I think Einstein was an Atheist. He used religious nomenclature as a poetic metaphor.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

He didn't believe in a christian god or a god of islam, so to them, he might be. Depending on how you want to play with the wording.

 

He didn't believe in a revealed religion or anything like that.

[Kaftan Barlast]

I suppose that if I started a thread with supposedly funny quotes from Gerald Gardner, or Mohammed, or Confusious, or Lao Tze, or Buddha, that would be great fun as well?

 

 

Yes!! That would be great, I coudlnt find much on those when I googled yesterday but if you got any ideas bring em on.

[Phosphor]

Yes!! That would be great, I coudlnt find much on those when I googled yesterday but if you got any ideas bring em on.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Um, no, let's not. For a whole host of reasons, this isn't cool.