1. My opening line will be to compliment her on her very stylish top and how well she seems to have put her outfit together (although in reality it is the ugliest thing I have ever seen).
2. My gift is going to be the a basket from Bath and Body Works containing assorted bath salts and hand creams, because everyone loves to recieve cosmetic supplies.
3. Her experiences with men have obviously been less than ideal. I will show her that I care and listen to problems, telling her the whole time, "I understand", and then relate to her the stories of my childhood bullies who all thought that I was gay.
4. Subtly, hoping that "reasonable education" means she isn't that bright, and won't understand my joke.