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UK elections soon. Quick brief to get everyone up to speed. THE BRITISH PUBLIC Incapable of understanding the concept of balancing income against expenditure. Unwilling to understand everything else. CONSERVATIVES Well educated forehead, apologetically leading Britain with no specific plan. Certain doom to follow, with reassuring accent. LABOUR Goggled-eyed student union activist, ready to give Britain whatever it wants, like a pathetic step-parent. certain doom to follow, with reassuring blame attached to fat men in top hats. LIB-DEMS World's tiredest trouser knees, torn between contempt and hope for the public it is desperately trying to spoon-feed. Like in that film. Will impart prosecco, elderflower, nuances to certain doom if part of coalition. GREENS Corduroy prophetess(?) of greater doom befalling nation. Billions will die, lakes of blood, drought, plagues of locusts. Manifesto emphasis: saving wetland animals and defying simple mathematics. True emphasis: passive-aggressive shoes. SNP Socialist nationalist party seeks ethnic re-awakening while blaming foreigners for all problems, during economic trouble. Seeks to unite Europe. Nothing worrying here at all. EDIT: UKIP Sandworm president of local golf club seeks subsidised drinking privileges, shouting at foreigners. Certain feelings of inferiority, shame, and lust around foreigners; particularly shirtless Russians. Certain use of world map found on cornflakes packet ca. 1935.