Rewriting a bit of item flavor text. Could use some help making it come across better.

[Cyrus_Blackfeather]

Hey guys!

 

With some help from people on the modding subforum, I've put the finishing touches on a mod that'll allow for the DoC Breastplate to be available at Marihi's Metalworks when killing Harmke, with different flavor text. My reason for doing this is that I want a better outcome for her, while the powergamer in me still wants access to one of the best pieces of armor in the game for a melee DPS character. 

 

I have flavor text written for it already, but the English major in me is always a critic of my own work, so I was hoping to get some feedback on it/ways it could be revised. English only for now, since this is mostly just a mod for my own personal use. 

 

"After finding peace beneath the ocean waves, the empty shell that once housed the Devil of Caroc was discovered on the sea floor some time later. It seems that at least one industrious smith saw some use for her remains. This bronze breastplate was forged from the Devil’s chest piece, brass buckles, and rivets from her various clockwork mechanisms. While her soul has doubtless departed, the remains are not wholly inanimate. The metal, no longer a prison for the soul, nevertheless seems to have been infused with life force and retains some power." 

 

It's pretty much just the same thing, with the first few sentences changed. 

 

Some immediate issues...

 

1. How were the Devil's remains found? 

2. Is there a better way to phrase the first bit to be a little more specific to what happened to the Devil in her more positive ending? I've considered something like "After her long wanderings led to her finding peace beneath the waves..." or something like that.