Quick update: I'm at the title screen right now, I was able to get it to run. We'll see how she does but this is the farthest I've gotten. I've been doing a lot of stuff -- SO much stuff -- and I'm not sure what finally pushed it over the edge into viability. But the three main things I suspect contributed are: 1) I ran the sfc command and it found about 14 corrupt files and repaired them, 2) I ran msconfig and disabled a lot of non-microsoft processes, 3) I reinstalled. I've also, over the weekend, done a lot of other stuff suggested here and elsewhere. Good luck to everybody still having issues (for all I know this isn't the end of my woes either) and I hope they patch this thing up soon.
EDIT: Oh and I throttled the FPS to 60 in my AMD settings.